Ask Me Help Desk - Should she be told?

Should she be told?

17 years ago I had a short relationship with a woman.she had two girls with another man and they were split up at the time.Our relationship was coming to and end when we found out she was pregnant by me.after a lot of confusion we agreed she would get back with her ex and raise the child as his.he knew everything and they got married soon after that and I disappeared and never told anybody the secret.
I don't know why,but she didn't keep it secret.quite a few people know.all of these people are 30/50 years old now.
I met this woman lately and she told me all about my daughter.she is 16 now and knows nothing about me.she told me she is always worried that our daughter will find out the truth especially when she turns 18 and starts to socialize more.its a small town
Should she carry on with the secret and hope our daughter never finds out?
Should she be told the truth?

I would love to meet her but I know that I would be a total stranger to her and she may hate me for arriving in her life

Being a teenage myself I would say you should be straight with her, even if you maybe wait till she is 18. You should not keep the fact you are her real father from her.

Her mom should have long ago told her, you need to talk to the mom and discuss this with her

I agree. She needs to know. It would be a bad thing if she over hears or someone says something to her thinking she already knows. She will think it's like a bad joke, everyone knows but her. She needs to be told.
It's kind of like adoption, that is not something that should be hid from a child.

Thanks for the advice.just to be clear the woman I talked is her mum

You need to talk to her mother and she needs to tell this young lady what's up.

YOU should not be the one who suddenly appears in her life and announces that you are her father. That will mess up her head for the rest of her life. Her mother should be the one to tell her. Like Fr_Chuck said, discuss this with the mother.

The woman I talked to is her mother,she doesn't know what to do.thats why I'm asking

Her mother should take her out to lunch and talk to her. Let her know that the man she grew up with might be her Daddy, but he is not her biological father. Then let the child decide if and when she wants to meet you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

YOU should not be the one who suddenly appears in her life and announces that you are her father. That will mess up her head for the rest of her life. Her mother should be the one to tell her. Like Fr_Chuck said, discuss this with the mother.

I have no intention of telling her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gillad

i have no intention of telling her.

GOOD! I'm liking you already and hope this has a very positive outcome for both you and your bio-daughter. She will be a lucky girl to have two fathers in her life who love her.

Thanks wondergirl.should it be put off till she's a bit older and finished school .1 year she will be out of school

In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, secrets are hard to keep. I think perhaps your daughter may have an inkling about this.

Thinking she may hurt her mom and dad, she may be reluctant to bring it up. Kids know more than we give them credit for.

It's a small town and if she doesn't know, she will. I wish you the best.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Kitkat22

In a small town where everyone knows everyone else, secrets are hard to keep. I think perhaps your daughter may have an inkling about this.

Thinking she may hurt her mom and dad, she may be reluctant to bring it up. Kids know more than we give them credit for.

It's a small town and if she doesn't know, she will. I wish you the best.

You may be right but there is no way we can know if she has heard anything.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gillad

you may be right but there is no way we can know if she has heard anything.

Very True! I do hope everything works out. There are some men who wouldn't care how the child felt. I'm glad you love your daughter enough to be concerned. Good luck and I think you'll be surprised at how she reacts. You are in my prayers... Kit

Could she have kept this a secret, because she isn't sure who the father is?

Is it possible that her husband thinks it is his daughter, and that she never told him either that she wasn't sure who the father was, or told him that he wasn't?

I can't imagine why she would hesitate, or why they would hesitate to tell her. It is certainly not in the daughter's best interest to live her life into adulthood without knowing who her real father is.

And, what happens when she does know. Are you prepared to step up and try to establish a relationship with her? Telling her is only one part of the situation, but to tell her and abandon her (again), is another.

I also wondered back then if I was the father or not,a lot of stuff went through my mind.
Over the years two close friends of mine met my daughter.I asked them both if they thought it was my daughter and was there any resemblance.They both were definite in their minds that she is my daughter and said she looked the very same as me.I have some strong features and she has them too.
I have seen some pictures of her from her mom and I also recognise these features.I am confident she is my daughter.

She told me that she was afraid to tell her daughter the truth and that she thought she would never see me again.
I don't know the real reasons,only she does.

And yes,if my daughter is told,I am prepared to step up and try very hard to establish a relationship with her

I hope things work out for the best with the both of you.

I do hope things work out...

Don't let her find out from anyone but mom or you. She will resent the fact that you guys never told her. She might be angry she might not but she needs to know.

You also need to take into account the man who raised her. The man who she knows as Daddy.

How does he feel about all this.
I think maybe the daughter will be hurt for a while , but the one who raised her will always be Daddy.

I don't mean to hurt you , but don't expect her to throw her arms around you and say she's happy. She's had one Daddy and that's the man who is really Daddy.

I think her mother AND her father should tell her. It's unfortunate that so many people now know. But since they do, I agree the teenager needs to be told by her parents before any more time passes. I think it's important that they do it together so it's clear that her dad has known this and accepted and loved her anyway all her life. It has to be clear that this is not anything that is going to interfere with her relationship with him.

It will be up to her if she wants to meet you. But that can wait. One thing at a time.

I totally agree with asking.

Comment on Kitkat22's post

I`ve asked about him but they have their own problems so she did not tell me much. I imagine he will do what is right.

I`m prepared that she may only want to see my face once so anymore than that will be a huge bonus for me.

I`m a pretty stable min

I`ve asked about him but they have their own problems so she did not tell me much. I imagine he will do what is right.

I`m prepared that she may only want to see my face once so anymore than that will be a huge bonus for me.

I`m a pretty stable minded person so I`m not dreaming of a "happy ever after" I`m hoping for a happy ever after

It was good for me to talk here.I have no one else to talk to about this.
Thanks everybody... barry

Quote:

Originally Posted by gillad

I`ve asked about him but they have their own problems so she did not tell me much. I imagine he will do what is right.

I`m prepared that she may only want to see my face once so anymore than that will be a huge bonus for me.

I`m a pretty stable minded person so i`m not dreaming of a "happy ever after" i`m hoping for a happy ever after

it was good for me to talk here.I have no one else to talk to about this.
thanks everybody.....barry

I think it will be rocky at first but it will smooth out. I also think she will grow to love you. You're welcome to post anytime and God Bless You.:)

Hello... its been over a year since I asked for advice here and my daughter hasn't been told about me yet.im going to name my daughters mother "cass"... cass got professional advice last year and she agreed that her daughter had to be told but she wasn't ready to tell her and wanted to wait until she finished school.I agreed because I wasn't going to pressure her and I wanted this to be done right.I decided that id use the year to build a good trusting friendship with cass.she told me everything about my daughter and I was shown every picture of her.I bought my daughter a netbook for her birthday and cass and I were very happy and looking forward to the future... we met a few times and spoke on the phone but it was mostly texts... I started to feel she was texting me too much.it was 10 weeks of texts all day and night and in the end she confessed she loved me and had always loved me because she saw me every day in her daughter.. I was shocked and I had to tell her that I didn't love her and I was only here to meet my daughter... its been so hard to be friends since then because she wants more and kept hoping for more.. eventually she realised after 7 months that we wouldn't be together and she started to say that she may not be able to tell her daughter about me.. I was gentle and convinced her that she had to tell the truth... the main reason why she talked to me at first and told me about my daughter was because she thought we would get back together again...
When my daughter finished school in June cass made an excuse and put off telling her for a few weeks and this happened all summer.I stayed calm because I didn't want to fight and I felt cass would tell her in the end.
Two weeks ago she told me she was never going to tell her.shes afraid her daughter will hate her and I understand that.I have so much emotion for my daughter now and I can't walk away from this... I walked away 18 years ago because I wasn't wanted around and I was young... my daughter will find out about me some day and she will find out that I came close to meeting her and I gave up again!! I can't give up but what do I do.

This gets even more complicated.I have a son and he is 6 months younger than my daughter.he has started to socialise a lot more over the last 6 months.he will soon be going to the same bars as my daughter and there is only one nightclub in town.they are going to be in the same social circle soon.they are both good looking and could easily be attracted to one another.. my son is Facebook friends with my daughters best friend and my son and daughter have about 10 mutual Facebook friends... I know Facebook friends aren't usually real friends but its all just too close and I can't ask him if he knows her... I have to tell my son about his sister but I can't say to him "this is your sister but dont tell anyone and dont contact her"

I know I can't tell my daughter this but do I have the right to force cass into telling the truth?
I feel I do have the right to do something because of the situation with my son and daughter
My daughter will be 18 in a few weeks..

I don't know. I would say when she turns 18 tell her. In fact I'd tell her mother you are going to tell her when she turns 18. But that's just me

I'm glad you came back, gillad, to let us know how things are going. Because of your concerns about your son and daughter meeting socially, I agree they should know they are related. Please keep us informed.

I agree they both need to know.

Not to worry you, but my daughter has met most of her FaceBook friends in real life. Only a very few of them are friends of friends. They could very well have already met in passing many times without anyone knowing.

Is Cass still in counseling? Would she feel safer telling your daughter with support from her counselor?

Cass has been to a counselor once a year ago when I first contacted her... she won't ask anyone for help.she hasn't told her husband that I've been in contact... I don't think she will tell her daughter or anybody about me until she really has to.. I understand that this could destroy her relationship with her daughter and that's why she feels she has nothing to lose by waiting until the very end...

My plan is to talk to my daughters sister(pam) .she is about 24 and may remember me.I used to play with her a lot but she might be too young to remember me.. if I tell pam everything she might help her mum through this but I will be putting her under a lot of pressure if her mum asks her to keep it a secret... it could tear the family apart... cass told me that somebody approached pam a few years ago and kept asking her about me.pam told him she didn't know me and asked her mum about me and cass said she didn't know anything about me... I think this person thought that pam was my daughter and was trying to cause trouble... if I talk to pam a lot of things are going to make sense to her.my daughter looks nothing like her sisters and people often joke with her that she must be adopted...

Should I contact pam?

What about giving Cass an ultimatum -- that you will make your move (but not say what it will be) by such-and-such date, giving Cass the chance to decide what to do.

I've already done that and I feel terrible for doing it... when cass told me that she wasn't going to tell her daughter I got angry and said that I was going to do this my own way after her 18th birthday... im trying to figure out now what to do if she doesn't tell her... ill wait a month after her 18th and then I have to do something or walk away... I really can't see myself walking away so I'm going to talk to a councelor before I do anything

Talking to a counselor would be good, but I would not bring the other daughter into the mix.

Yes, definitely run it past an unbiased person who has been trained in human relationships.

Bringing the other daughter into it has been my only real plan but if it's a bad idea then I won't do it.
The only other thing I can think of is to approach my daughter and tell her my name.tell her I'm an old boyfreind of her mother and tell her to ask her mum about me and try to do it in a calm and friendly way but I think it would be too emotional for me to do... I might make a mess of it and she might think I was a weirdo and get scared... its a big mess!!

When you talk to your daughter, it should not be under false pretenses. She will have had enough lying.
When you talk to her, tell her the truth. Tell the mother that you are going to tell her when she turns 18 and leave it at that.

Bringing the other daughter into it is not right. It is not her business and there is no reason she should be put in the middle.

OK.. I won't bring the other daughter into it.I`ll talk to a councelor myself soon

I think that would help you a great deal.