My daughter is 15-years old and lives alone with me in Florida. My mom lives down here as well and is very good to my daughter. My daughter is extremely profane towards me and does on occasion raise her hands. I have gone to counseling before and it had helped me. However; my daughter did not join me and she desperately needs to talk and confide in someone.

I am losing it and find I don't even want to go home after work, or live in my own house it has become so intolerable.

My daughter's grades are as atrocious as her mouth and she does not take or allow me to take care of her medically dentally or mentally. She does not help at all around the house and is destructive and inconsiderate. I am clearly at the end of my rope. I have very few friends in Florida. I have contacted the facility where I went for Help in hopes of resuming.

I need some input and feedback on how to deal with the stress of my daughter and my living scenario.

Thanks,
What 2 do... :eek:

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My daughter's grades are as atrocious as her mouth

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Daughter: F--- Math!
Math Grade: F
Daughter: F--- Science!
Science Grade: F
Daughter: I hate D--- PE!
PE Grade: D
Something like that? Lol

Well, how exactly does she make it unbearable for you to live in your own house?
It's your house. You should be the master of your own domain.

It's time for you to start giving tough love. Take away her cell phone. Don't let her go out. Cut off her internet access. Turn off her phone line. Whatever she revels in, take it away.

At that age, most teenagers think they know everything, and can do anything they want. By letting her, you are only worsening her bad behaivor.

What's that song by the Ramones?

"Beat the Brat?"

I think you need to put your foot down & show your daughter You're the boss, and it's YOUR house, which means YOUR RULES!

She either follows the rules... or you'll send her to a military school. :)

DO IT!

I think both of you have problem
You have a very low self esteem and she is wild as all teens are but she is over the line.
So first you have to take control of your life
You said you have few friends I think you don't go out very much.
Its your house and you should be the master like other people said try to be tough.
And for you have some fun in your life I think it is missing in your life
Take care

Answer a few questions to yourself:-

It is necessary to be strict. But, does u think making her miserable will work?

Why she feels insecure and alone?

Why she is trying to protect herself, when her father is there to take care of her?

What is the reason that, your picture of a "perfect father" is shattered?

You are at the end of your rope, but, what about how she feels?

I think she is more frustrated than you are. She is doing it all to irritate you and get your attention.

Just find out link between you two, which definitely exist. Do things of her interest. Initially she will get irritated and make u feel irritated. But, remember she is your daughter and keep on doing them. She will feel that, u care for her and love her.

I read this post when it first came up and held back I wanted to see the replies it got.
I'm not surprised what I'm reading.
My step-sister was going through hard times with my mom,my mom couldn't handle her and asked my uncle to step in well he cracked the wip causing my sister to run away wich led to her by abducted and killed.I know this was a tragedy and not everyone will end this way but if you crack down on an unruly 15 yr old she's only going to rebel and get worse,there's too much out there for them to run to they think it will make them happy.im still not sure what advise to give but you better be ready for the consequences

Below is a resource link site for free and paid programs for troubled teens in Florida.

If you are being verbally abused and are concerned for your physical safety,then she is committing a crime.

Since she appears to have no fear of you ,you need to tell her you are giving her a week to change (be specific about what you expect) and if she does not get the authorities involved.

It is called tough love and it just may save her life.

If she is heading down a dangerous path and has no respect for authority(beyond what is normal teen angst) she needs to be put in check.

Family Help in Florida

Thank you all for your comments.

Few comments, zippit.

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Originally Posted by zippit

my step-sister was going through hard times with my mom,my mom couldn't handle her and asked my uncle to step in well he cracked the wip causing my sister to run away

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Well, this should never happen. It's the parents' responsibility to raise their kid well enough so they don't have to have uncle Ron step in with his I-Ron whip. If they start discipline at a young age, then it is much easier and safer to enforce when the kids are more grown.

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there's too much out there for them to run to they think it will make them happy

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No. The fact of the matter is, there is nothing out there for them to run away to. Kids hear stories and rumors, television, movies, it all is lies about what the real world is like. Then, they run, find that it is nothing like it seemed in that fantasy world of theirs, find comfort in a good soul, and sometimes it turns out that good soul is actually a manipulative shade of a person planning on taking them away to do [insert vulger comment here].
Still, this could be prevented by the parents. Not letting them have free reign at a young age is one thing, but not coddling them; telling them what the world is really like so they know better. Better to scare them than to lose them.

Well thank you for the post
I didn't mean to scare away ANY tough love approach at the same time think about how many changes you went through from 15 to 16 to 17 I think just holding out while not letting her just run all over you could work.
Is there any way you could grab her up and take her on a all day or overnight trip somewhere that would give you a chance to bond and talk with distractions you could call a relative let them know you're coming for a short visit or just get a cheap room in a scenic area and go there?

I'm not going to reply but your wrong

Believe it or not I was just looking into that... Perhaps a motel on the beach over Labor Day weekend, we did that once before and it was nice.

Unfortunately; part of our problem is we have absolutely no family. Mainly deceased.

Military skool!

I was actually considering a motel on the beach over Labor Day weekend. We did this once before and it was very nice. We just did Epcot in April for my birthday and we really, really had a great time. Laughed a lot, so it is possible, maybe Orlando would be a better idea.

Military school and boot camps are not necessarily the answer. The discipline needs to come from me not the school

At this point, your daughter's "feelings" about things are void. She needs to learn respect, and I'm sorry, but the chances of you being able to teach her discipline at this point are slim.

She knows you'll put up with it, because well, you have been for a long time.

Taking her to a beach isn't going to fix the problem. You need to either get the authorities, like Artlady said, or do something, because trying to make her "feel good" about herself after the way she acts is not going to do squat.

Bottom line: your methods aren't working. Sorry to sound harsh, but it's time to bring out the big guns, not the water guns.

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Originally Posted by zippit

im not going to reply but your wrong

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Is this aimed at me? Could you please tell me how I am wrong?
Anyway, you did reply telling your opinion.

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Originally Posted by what 2 do

Military school and boot camps are not necessarily the answer. The discipline needs to come from me not the school

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Exactly! Not enough parents realize that!
Can I ask, has your daughter always lived with you?

Always - I have been a single parent all of my daughter's life - my husband passed when she was very young.

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Originally Posted by zippit

well thank you for the post
I didnt mean to scare away ANY tough love approach at the same time think about how many changes you went through from 15 to 16 to 17 I think just holding out while not letting her just run all over you could work.
is there any way you could grab her up and take her on a all day or overnight trip somewhere that would give you a chance to bond and talk with distractions you could call a relative let them know youre coming for a short visit or just get a cheap room in a scenic area and go there??

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I think that is an excellent idea.I suspect Mom has tried just about everything.Thats what we do.
I was and am very close to my sons but that did not stop my youngest from being a little hell raiser and out of control when he was a teen.Some of it you do anticipate and just have to struggle through,I totally agree, but verbal abuse and the threat of physical abuse it NOT an option.
All the loving and connecting sometimes is just not enough and you have to bring in a third party to be the voice of calm and reason.
I am very sorry for the tragedy that your family had to live through.

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Originally Posted by HelpinHere

Is this aimed at me? Could you please tell me how I am wrong?
Anyway, you did reply telling your opinion.



Exactly! Not enough parents realize that!
Can I ask, has your daughter always lived with you?

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I really don't want to hijack this post debate,its obvious my ideas are conecting

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Originally Posted by what 2 do

Always - I have been a single parent all of my daughter's life - my husband passed when she was very young.

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Once when my daughter was acting out I had a cop come over and talk to her not to threaten her he just pointed out how the road she was taking was going to lead to no-good,and he told her some of the stuff he has seen as far as domestic mothers who didn't care about the kid at all he talked to her for about 45 min. did a real good job you can try that but you might get a officer that's not real good it's a crap shoot

For now; I have decided not to speak with my daughter until she agrees or comes to terms with the fact that she needs to start speaking with a Guidance etc... If she cannot speak respectfully and like a young lady to me she need not speak to me at all. For now; I will keep myself very busy.

I have also decided not to communicate with my mother who tends to undermine me a great deal of the time...

Artlady; I respect your input; please tell me what you think would be a good idea?

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Originally Posted by what 2 do

Artlady; I respect your input; please tell me what you think would be a good idea?

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You mother under minding you is not good and she needs to understand that by doing so she is putting your daughter in a position where she is getting rewarded for unacceptable behavior.That is a crucial issue if Gram is giving her the false impression that her bad behavior is O.K.
.

It is hard raising a teen alone,I had two boys and one gave me quite a bit of trouble.

You have to make the rules clear and also reasonable.

You need to write down your rules and they should cover certain *hot* topics.Curfew,friends,zero tolerance on drugs and alcohol.Dating ,household responsibilities.School attendance and participation.

Then you make it clear as well what the consequence's are if she does not comply with the rules.

You don't go to school and maintain decent grades,you lose your privilege of going out during school nights until you bring your grades up.That is her Main job right now.

Discuss a plan that you both can work with.You have to pick your battles.If she dresses in a way you don't like,that is personal style,I always gave leniency on that one.

Certain things are true deal breakers.She needs to know what they are and you have to stick to your guns if she messes up.

There are many programs for teens who are troubled and they can put her on a type of probation if she does not comply.It is a last resort for many parents because you are essentially getting her involved in the legal system.

It's a rough road,you want to maintain good relations and keep the open honest communication going.You want her to feel free to come to you with any issue but at the same time you have to have parental control.

Disrespect and assaulting you is just outrageous.Perhaps she needs to seek anger management counseling.

I would contact a juvenile justice dept.in your area,I believe I gave you a site link of programs and see what is available.
I don't know if she is using drugs or drinking but there are numerous intervention programs for that and even behavioral problems.

You might want to try to work this out by sitting down and writing down the rules and consequence's and IF that does not affect a change,seek outside help.

I hope she has made a sincere apology to you and sees the errors of her ways.You have older adult children,perhaps getting them to sit down at a family meeting would be a good idea.

If you want to toss some ideas around ,I am usually on line here ,if not there are many Moms and Dads on here who have been in the same boat.
I wish you the best,I know how hard it is to feel you are losing a relationship with your child.

Thanks for your wise input, I truly do appreciate it. No apolgies to date. I will research the help link. It is probably long overdue. At this juncture of the game this is a path if chosen, the only outcome would be the legal system, regardless.

Teenagers need discipline. You need to tell her that you are the boss and not her. She needs to respect you as a person and follow your rules. If she rebels, make the rules even stricter. I know you said she doesn't want to go to counseling but what teenager does? You need to force her to go. Maybe schedule an appointment on the Dr. Phil show

All the programs I have researched thus far are a fortune, does anyone know of any programs that are a bit more economically sound. Dr. Phil's recommendation was $350.00 a day, this program can go as long as 84-120 days. Yikes...

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Originally Posted by what 2 do

Thank you all for your comments.

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And thank you I to am having the same problems and logged on to find women in similar circumstances.. and looked at your answers with some hope also feeling that I'm not the only lone parent of a rude wayward teen... colleen.:)

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Originally Posted by what 2 do

Military school and boot camps are not necessarily the answer. The discipline needs to come from me not the school

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I totally agree Its my problem I created this monster who was once adorable Its me who has to disdipline and get respect back...

Thanks for responding and letting me know that I am not alone. As I have been feeling pretty alone these days. My daughter has since been removed from my house and is temporarily staying with her grandparents what happens after that still remains a mystery.

Keep in touch I am from brighton u.k... south east sussex we can share teen abuse... lol Im colleen SO YOU TALKING TO HER AT ALL..? MY SON IS COMING ROUND TO MY WAY OF THINKING ITS HARD WHEN He's DAD SO WEEAK GIVES HIM EVERYTHING HE NEEDS AND SIDES WITH HIM...

not really, just check in with my mom on her cell. I did call a little while ago and spoke to her briefly, it winded up with her hanging up on me.

I am a single mom, father is not part of the equation.

Hi, I thought you are a single Father. I really appreciate the input by all.

But, one aspect is left - What is the root cause?

Why she is not having a soft corner for her single mother?

I believe that, relation between a mother and a daughter is an emotional and friendly

Relation. Specially when the mom is single.

At this age, when body and mind go through many changes, kids react this way to get attention.

Try to peep in to her mind and don't send her away from you.

She need you. There can be lots of things going on in her mind. She

Might be creating imaginary situations and your reactions. Thus

Getting angry on you. Take her in your territory, before anybody else can take advantage

Of her emotional imbalance.

Believe me, every time kids are not wrong, sometimes elders also make mistake which they realize after time runs out. All the best.

Unfortunately; having her home is not an option right now. Vulgarity and violence are never acceptable under any circumstances, and they are not welcome in my house, when she learns how to speak like a lady, she may return. For now; her unrulyness is not welcome and won't be tolerated.

Underlying causes are usually detected in therapy. If the person is willing.

She should grow out of it soon. If not then tell her if she doesn't do as you say you'll take something of hers. Does she have a cell phone? If so just take it away untel she does what you want. You can take her to counsling and if she refuses then restrict her even more. She's being selfish. And she needs to know that. Don't say that to her but show her.

I am not in charge of her cell phone but the internet has been removed from the house along with her. School starts on the 24th let's see what happens, perhaps the Guidance Couselor in the school could be helpful

Wow. There is a lot here to consider. But I'll tell you what worked with me (although admittedly I was not near as unruly) But when I did act out, this is what my mother would do.

My mother took my phone

She grounded me

she was the ONLY person to take me where I needed to go (and pick me up).

I had to give her my work schedule and she'd go up and check on me randomly to make sure I wasn't lying about my shifts.

If I had (which I didn't) She would have made me quit my job and been my 24/7 babysitter until I "got my in line".

I was not allowed to be with friends.

(also, screw her bedroom windows shut so that she can not sneak out at night, I lived on the 3rd floor of an apartment building so this was not an issue but it helps)


that she feels like she had NO control and she wants it. That's why I acted out. (this was just 3 years ago for me, I'm 19 now) I wanted to just be allowed to go out and do my own thing and be independent when I was not ready for it at all. I resented the fact that I had to answer to anyone.

You really should try to spend time with her outside the home too. I agree with the suggestion earlier that you should take her for an overnight somewhere fun. Talk to her about what's going on. DO NOT press for information, it usually works if you confess something of yourself first. Such as a story of when you were upset by something at school when you were a child. She will be more likely to open up and you can get inside her head and figure out what she is thinking.

Also, DO NOT start accusing her of her behavior outright. Such as "you do this wrong, or you say this to me" She already knows it and will withdraw even more if she feels attacked. She is lashing out about something and it's extremely important that you try to find out what it is.

She may pick up on it and decide she still doesn't want your help in such a way. That's when you really should try to get professional help. (although truthfully she could resent you for that as well)

Just make sure that she doesn't cause any harm to herself. I know it's difficult, but you are her mother and you love her. No matter how she is treating you, try to be supportive and listen first. That could take you farther than you think

There's no easy answer to this question. No matter what you do it WILL be difficult, but no matter what it will be worth it if it works.

Good luck! Let us know if things get better!

Also, I would suggest you take the phone away anyway, even if your mother pays for it. She is YOUR daughter not hers, and if she is spoiling her, she is undermining your authority as the parent. You need to have a talk with your mother as well. She should not be condoning this of her grand daughter. And as her "if i had ever treated you like that as a child what would you have done" Take your daughter back home immediately. Your mother is making things worse for you, although she means well for your daughter, she could be causeing more harm than good.

I thank you for your insightfulness into the pathology of a teen. I have considered an away trip and still am, I am mulling. In some of my last postings I mentioned that I went to orlando with her in April and that did go well. I am uncertain for now, in order to come back home she will need to adhere to the rules and become reasonable, she will no longer be able to run her own show

You are so right about the cell phone and undermining. However; there is no one else for my daughter to stay with temporarily until we could sough of decompress, especially me. I am exhausted and must work for a living. I need a bit of Hiatus, there is no other option the ranch camps and wilderness camps were a fortune.