I do not know what to do I have a 12 year old son and he is making my life a living hell. He smashes up my house, he has smashed windows, doors and ripped his bedroom curtains down, he has stolen money out of my purse, he lies, puts his hands around my younger 2 children's throats and he even held my youngest child's head under water in the paddling pool last summer. Social services have been involved with him before and I have tried to get them involved again but they just said we have done everything there is no more we can do for you.
He has even twice at school told the teachers that his dad has smashed his head into a wardrobe door and thrown things at him, these are totally untrue but resulted in us getting the police and social services at the door and because of this both me and my husband will have this show up every time we have a crb check done.
I can't take any more I have tried to overdose myself before to get away from this, I am on anti depressants and have counselling I just do not know what else to do!

Hi, rlc1976!

Are you in the United States?

Thanks!

No I am in the uk

Take a deep breath. Do u not think your son needs you? Trying to kill yourself is not going to solve anything. Your son obviously has some emotional issues. Have you tried talking to him? Asking him what is bothering him. Obviously something is. He needs to go see a therapist who specializes in pre-teen anger problems. You need to be objective. I know its hard. Take yourself emotionally out of it and start looking at it like this child is crying out for your help with everything he has got. I think saying that you hate your son is a bit harsh. Love your son enough to really try helping him. There are also special boarding schools like élan School in Poland Springs, ME USA that specializes in this sort of thing.

Does he know... or heard you say you "hate him"?

Perhaps what you mean is you "hate his behavior" but not your son himself? :(

I'm sorry that I can't help you much as I am in the US, but I wonder what causes this.

Has he been diagnosed with anything such as ADHD, Bipolar disorder, Manic depression, or Autism? If not, do you think he could benefit from seeing a doctor who might explore those possibilities?

If nothing medical, what do you believe his behavior is steming from? Abuse? Teasing at school? Perhaps knowing the reason behind his behavior will help.

Hello mom:

The problem is with YOU. Any parent who would utter the words you did, WOULD smash their kids head into walls, and lie through their teeth about it.

excon

You want to keep your totally useless opinions to yourself and take a good long look at your life it sounds to me like you have got issues guilt maybe treated your own kids like that have you? You have not got a clue about the situation so I suggest you take a run and jump:)

This topic is very dear to my heart, as I have a son who is bipolar and we have had many, many issues with him.

Steph1216 gave you some very wise advice. Some type of counseling is probably going to be the best place to start. Believe me, I know the feelings that you are going through. My son has stole from us, hurt his little sister, broken things etc. You blame yourself as the parent and it took me a very long time to realize that it wasn't me. I still occasionally blame myself but you have to remember, if you know deep down that you have done nothing to cause this child emotional distress, then its beyond you trying to fix by yourself. Are you able to get him some counseling? I think you should attend it with him as well.

I agree with some of these answers, but you need to talk to your son and ask him if anything is wrong, there might be something that is making him a little terror, there is also anger management, and if u really hate your son maybe out him up for adoption

Maybe your hate is rubbing off on him... maybe you hate yourself and he's picking up on that.. my mom was suicidal and seeing her that way made me one bad kid.. and made me suicidal also at one point.. maybe you both need psychiatric help

Tell him you LOVE him instead of HATE him. Stop making it about you.

There is a reason for this behavior.Be it medical,psychological or a combination of both.

Has anyone actually taken the time and effort to get you any services that would help the entire family?When children's services became involved,they had no plan to help you? Just too bad?

Clearly this is an issue that affects everyone in the family and it needs to be addressed by a professional.You are too close to the issue and too stressed to be able to handle this by yourself.

I am including a link of sites throughout the UK that assist families. There must be some outside agency that can step in and get him a good medical evaluation and also help with the most immediate problems.

SupportLine - Problems: Domestic violence: Advice, support and information

Is "jesushelper76" telling me that their anger would not show at someone on here saying that they would smash their kids heads into walls and lie through their teeth about it? I think some people on here have absolutely no idea what it is they are talking about and just feel like poking their nose into something that they haven't got a clue about, it would surprise me if some of them have actually got any kids of their own. I would never dream of hurting any of my kids and just so that the few of you on here realise, social services actually closed the cases with my son as they were unfounded thank you very much.
On another note some people have given some helpful advice so thank you to them I appreciate the people that can take this seriously and try to offer some help or support so once again thank you

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Originally Posted by GNL685

Tell him you LOVE him instead of HATE him. stop making it about you.

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It is about my family and not me or do you think it is acceptable behaviour?

Try a different approach. If you've been angry towards him and he knows you hate him come to him at a more loving manner, be more patient, get him involved in things like karate, boxing, any sports and support him every step of the way. Try to go to family counseling. It will be hard- that's for sure it'll probably take 6 months or so for a turn around.

If however you are loving towards him, non-manipulative, caring, etc. Try being more of a stern parent, put your foot down. Try doing the things I already suggested [involving him in sports and going to counseling].

You need to talk to him. It is your child. Where is the other parent by the way [are you married, divorced, does he know his other parent]?

After all there is the easy way of sending him to a boot camp, but he might just resent you for that later.

Good luck to you!

MRS.S

Patience, patience, patience!

It sounds like the two of you, if not the whole family should consider going to counseling, maybe separate at first and then together so that you can try to understand each other better. If thought even crossed my mind that one of my parents hated me, I'm sure I would be acting out too.

No it's not acceptable behavior but your behavior by saying you hate him is also unnacceptable.. should he hate you because of your behavior?Should he hate you because you have depression and you're mentally unstable? His behavior is obviously a cry for attention and love.And HELP. At this point his behavior is based on the way you raised him. It's not acceptable for you to pose hate and anger towards him. By doing that your putting yourself down to his level. In my opinion, hate for someone else begins with hate for yourself.. what makes you think he's not going to pick up on that and treat you the same way.. and other people... and his kids in the future.My mom was just like you and I turned out fine.. because ran away from her when I was 15 and when I ran away and got away from her I felt so much better.. Do you want that to be the only way out for him? When people, especially your parents are depressed it rubs off on you in a HUGE WAY. When my mom tried to commit suicide, I overdosed on pills myself. Lucky I didn't DIE. But if my mom wasn't blaming her anger and depression on me, I would have been fine. Because as soon as I got away from her my destructive behavior and the hate I had for myself went away. I never once again thought about suicide. Try looking at it from his point of view not only yours.Thats what I meant by not making it about you. I mean you carried the kid in your womb and gave him life.. How can you have hate for him? Mother and child should be an unconditional love! If you hate him you should give him to people that will love him. Seriously. And I'm not telling you what to do.. I'm speaking from experience from the child's side.

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Originally Posted by rlc1976

I think some people on here have absolutely no idea what it is they are talking about and just feel like poking their nose into something that they haven't got a clue about,

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You are right, we haven't a clue what this is about. The people on here are only responding to your relatively vague question. Without ALL of the details, you are going to get answers similar to what you are getting here.

You gave little info and now are getting upset because we are trying to fill in the gaps.

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Originally Posted by rlc1976

I would never dream of hurting any of my kids

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Can't you see that saying you hate your son does hurt him? Maybe not physically, but mentally and emotionally. Emotional scars are much more permanent than physical scars.

Whether you have ever told him you hate him or not, he can sense how you feel about him. He is acting out because of your feelings towards him. Children of any age still living at home are very intuitive of how their parents view them as human beings.

They act out to get attention. It doesn't matter what kind of attention they get, good or bad, as long as you are paying attention to them. They want you to recognize that they are alive, that they are your flesh and blood. Sometimes, for some children, this takes the role of acting out.

Check to see if there is a regional intervention program in your area. These programs help children to deal with boundary issues as well as anger management. They also help the parents deal with the child's outbursts and help you to set up and maintain boundaries as well as proper discipline techniques dependent solely upon the specific actions of your child.

Like I had said this is a subject close to my heart as I have a son with bipolar and often find my heart being torn apart because of his behavior. I want to make it clear though that saying you "hate" him either outloud or directly to him is not healthy for anyone involved. My son's counselor said something one time that made a lot of sense. He said we will always love our children, but we don't have to "like" them sometimes. I don't think that deep down you truly hate your son. Because I have been there believe me, it hurts and you struggle between the hurt of his actions and the frustration of not understanding why he does what he does. Please stop for a moment and just imagine the turmoil that must be going on in this little boys head. He probably doesn't understand what he is feeling or know how to work it out in a healthy way so he does so by his actions of destroying things etc. Everyone has suggested counseling and I strongly urge you to do so. You have to help him deal with his feelings of anger, or hurt or whatever it is that he is feeling. You can't help him on your own. You will also need to get him in to see a psychologist, this will help in determining exactly what is going on whether it be something like bipolor or adhd. Once you find out exactly what is going on with him, it will make it a little easier to understand why he does what he does. It doesn't take away the stress by any means but it helps to understand that its something he can't control. I wish you luck I really do, this can be so heart wrenching I know, but it can get better with proper medications and/or counseling.

Looking at your problem from your sons perspective may help. He sounds a lot like I was at 12. I was in a lot of trouble with a lot of different people. I'd got myself into some awkward situations and I was off the rails but the reason was I was depressed. The cause of all my problems was my mother and I'm not saying it will be the same for your son but you need to establish the cause of his anger it may be any number of things. If you find the cause and treat it things should start to get better. But for gods sake NEVER EVER say you hate him. And definitely don't let him hear those words from you.

I hope you find some answers, it is possible.
Good luck x

Im from the old school and the next time he try to hurt your other kids or smash anything in your home.Pull his pants off and get a belt and bust his . Then after you sit him down and talk to long and hard about why you got him he will pay attention

Can you say truthfully that you hate your son's behaviour, or is it you truly hate your son.

It is alarming, whether you realize it or not, that to title a question in a parenting section with "I hate my son", is going to raise a few red flags. That statement alone tells me a few things.

This didn't happen overnight. He didn't turn from a happy secure child into a child with so much anger. What led up to this. There are so many reasons he could be acting out. It may have something to do with being bullied at school, he may be using drugs, he may be as others have said, learning disabled.

I don't believe that social services would close the book on this one as being finished. If you had one that closed the book on an obvious family in distress, get another one, complain to the director, insist on accountability by any professional you speak with.

Whatever has been tried is not enough, and has not been effective. If this behaviour is allowed to escalate, you are going to be facing more, not less, of the same.

Your obligation is to find a way. How you feel about him may be affecting his behaviour, although I personally think you are probably just fed up and overwhelmed yourself. You are not working with this child effectively, and where is your husband during all this? What does he do with your son to find ways to help him.

I think it is really a situation that you have no choice but to seek help, and not stop until you get it. There is no magic bullet to reverse all of this overnight. A long term plan with some sort of family counselling and a firm plan of action to include assessment is imperative for this child. If you need to fight for help for him, do it and don't give up until you get it.

Thanks Jake 2008, you are right in a lot of what you say and no I do not hate my son I just can't cope anymore with his behaviour I have tried so many things to help and just end up with every door closed in my face it is just so hard to try to help one child and try to protect the other 2 and I have got a husband who is at home with us but he is not particularly a hands on dad. I hope that people do not think that this is just me feeling sorry for myself I honestly have come to a dead end and yes I guess I am going to have to fight to try and get my son what he needs and all I want is for all of my family to be happy

Some kids are evil. No matter how good a parent you are. I think they may be devil possessed. NO amount of counseling can or will ever help some kids. Think about it- no different than no counseling or help can ever help some adults. Just a Cry for help my butt- some parents need to cry for help.

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Originally Posted by rlc1976

Thanks Jake 2008, you are right in alot of what you say and no I do not hate my son I just can't cope anymore with his behaviour I have tried so many things to help and just end up with every door closed in my face it is just so hard to try to help one child and try to protect the other 2 and I have got a husband who is at home with us but he is not particularly a hands on dad. I hope that people do not think that this is just me feeling sorry for myself I honestly have come to a dead end and yes I guess I am going to have to fight to try and get my son what he needs and all I want is for all of my family to be happy

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I don't know how many times I've said "I love you but I hate what you are doing" over the years to my own kids.

While all of this goes on, you're getting swallowed up. With no feeling of control, and being in control, it goes from one crisis to the next, putting out fires but they keep flaring up again.

Whether your husband is a hands on dad or not, he has no option here. He has to learn what he needs to do to help you and his son. No excuses, no choices. I see problems like this sometimes as starting at the top, and working your way down. You and your husband need to learn what you need to do, together, to help your son. You have to stop knocking your head against a brick wall, and he has to get onboard.

When you start with that, and the cards are out on the table, and who's on first sort of thing, then you go from there. Ask for an assessment of your son, through your family doctor again. Once you get that going again, you and your husband will be given the direction you need on how to parent, and cope, with your son.

I get the impression that if you had the right tools and guidance to do the job, it would be done already. I understand your reluctance also. I knocked on a lot of doors for one of my kids and learned (after the fact) that counsellors are a dime a dozen, and you have to keep going until you get somebody that can actually come up with a plan, and that will teach you what you need to know. They are out there.

Something I did for myself that somebody suggested once, was to get a diary of some sort. When you have days when you are about to pull your hair out, find 20 minutes after everybody is sleeping, and write the day out. Purge baby purge! That's how I used to think of it. Sometimes I'd write a lot, sometimes a little. It helps to get the anger out, and reduce the stress at the same time.

I know this is all falling on your shoulders to find solutions here, but at the same time, you already know that you have the strength to do it. Once you get your resolve back, you're already on the road to see changes.

I hope you keep updating us here.

Your son is 12, not only is he at a difficult age, but it seems that there is something going on in his life.

Have there been any recent events that have traumitized him or any extreme changes that may have brought on this behavior?

How long has this behavior been going on? Have you taken him to a doctor to see if he has a learning disability or a chemical imbalance?

Has he been to a counsellor, if so, how long?

How do you act around him? Do you treat him differently then the other 2 kids because of his behavior? Have you ever told him to his face that you hate him, does he know that you have contemplated suicide because of him?

It's time to do everything you can for this child. You brought him into this world, as a mother it's your responsibility to see that he is all he can be.

As for yourself, counselling is a good idea, seeing as you are suicidal. Committing suicide is, to me, the easy way out. If you think your son has problems now, you killing yourself will only escalate them.

Give your son a hug, I'm willing to be it's a long time since you have.

Good luck.

I was in a very similar situation with my son. He is mentally impaired with made it even harder to find resources. Youth intervention programs wouldn't take him because of his disability, the counseling I tried was a joke. My son wouldn't talk or even act out if front of anyone but me. The violence got increasingly worse, he started grabbing knives, threating to kill himself. I took all the knives out of the house. Replaced window, picked up broken nicknacks. That was putting a bandaid on a bullet whole.

Eventually it got to be more then I could bear. I called the police and had them take him to the metal hospital. Police came, he went willing, we got to the hospital and every time the person who admits the kids came in the room he stopped misbehaving. When she wasn't in the room, was was throwing chairs, calling me names etc,etc. She came back in the room and told me because of his disability, they could not take him. I told her that I could NOT take him home. She left and came back in just to see him throwing a chair. He got admitted. It took about 5 more visits to the hospital and a lot of hair pulling out of my own head, tears, feelings of being a failed parent, hopelessness. In the end though, I got results. I had to fight for them.

Your son has nobody but you to fight for him. I know it's hard... no one can imagine how hard if you have never been thro it. I am not saying hospitalization is what yr son needs. But he needs something... make phone calls, research. Find options. One of the hardest things I ever did was make that first phone call to the police.

I hope this helps even a little and I wish and your family the best of luck. Never give up on your son. He needs you now more then ever, he doesn't know it, but you need to know it. Be strong for him, even if you can't for yrself right now. You can and will get thro this. If you have family or friends that you can lean on... LEAN! That's what the true ones are there for!

I hope the situation with your son is better. LearningAsIGo had some very good feedback. I'm sure you don't hate your son and you were just going through a really rough time when you posted this.

My oldest was very impulsive and it drained a lot of energy from my husband and I. We have other children and it got to the point that we feared for our oldest child and our other children. We took him to a counselor and also sought helped from a doctor. At times I felt so discouraged and I would feel so bad about myself thinking maybe I should be harder on him for his behavior. Since there were a lot of people who would judge my son and yell at me about him being all over the place.

At the age of 11 he was diagnosed with ADHD. The diagnosis was a relief for us since this now meant that the school was able to work for him, instead of pointing fingers at him. It hasn't been easy and some days are better than others. But it helps to have support from counselors and teachers who are aware of his situation and reassure the both of us that we are doing better.

Please have him screened. He may not be able to tell you why he feels they way he does because he doesn't understand it... just as much as you may not be able to understand it. As a family work through it and turn to God. HE will never give you anything you cannot handle.

Peace and Love!

Hi the OP has NOT returned since:
Mar 26, 2009, 02:20 PM

I believe this thread is dead.

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Originally Posted by mudweiser

Hi the OP has NOT returned since:
Mar 26, 2009, 02:20 PM

I believe this thread is dead.

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Ditto, Sarah!

You need to get your son out of your house; He's going to get stronger and more violent as puberty come in to play. Like the USA you should be able to voluntarily sign your son over to a program/hospital of some type where they can work with him to find out the underlying cause of his behaviors. Even stronger; what happens if he hurts your smaller kids? Your younger kids are learning that violence and disobedience is OK, which it is not. Some thoughts for you while he's still in the house. Is he struggling with something? Is he trying to tell you in his own way something is wrong? Is he seeking attention? Negative attention is better then no attention because everyone is frustrated with him.