Ask Me Help Desk - Is it me or them?

I'll try and be as brief as possible but it's quite a long story. I need to know how to handle this situation. My son who is 16 has been very problematic for the past two years. He has been violent and abusive towards me. He has no respect whatsoever for me. He has stolen and damaged my property regularly. I am a lone parent and find it hard to cope financially and emotionally as I have no support from family or from my ex-husband. The damages and thefts were stretching my already stretched budget. He began smoking skunk, a very strong form of Cannabis about two years ago and it is since then that his behavior has worsened. Last year I became depressed for a while and had to take medication. I'm off that now and feeling OK. His behaviour was taking its toll on my health. I am diabetic and stress makes the condition worse. I have underactive thyroid which makes me tired all the time despite my medication being monitored regularly. My cholesterol is high and I have blood pressure. Things got so bad that in August of this year, just two days after his 16th birthday I had to tell him to leave. Since then he has been of no fixed abode. He has relied on the hospitality of his friends and latterly has been living rough in someone's garage. This has not been easy for me either; I'm sure no parent can see their child ruining their lives without feeling anguish. I have hated seeing him dirty and unkempt but I've been tough with him because I wanted him to address his problems with a view to coming back home. Because of the things he did to me and my property I reported him to the police and he ended up in the youth justice system. Although he hasn't done anything criminal lately he has consistently failed to attend appointments with the youth offending service. This organisation were offering him help of every kind; housing, drugs counselling, anger management etc. but he wouldn't engage with them at all. When a breach is committed a court appearance results. At his last court appearance the judge was about to send him to a remand centre but because his elder sister (age 27) had told youth offending that she would take him they adjourned the case and gave him conditional bail. The condition was that he stay at his sisters house until his court appearance in January or until such a time as he found suitable accommodation. This was just one week ago and I was really pleased that he was off the streets and in her care because despite everything that has happened I do still love and care for him. Tonight she phoned me and said that she had spoken to his housing worker who told her that it was unlikely that they could find him accommodation until after Christmas. She said I would have to have him back because it wasn't practical for him to be there as there was no room for him. I said I couldn't and she then told me that if I didn't take him I could forget going for Christmas lunch and that she didn't want me around my granddaughter because of the negative influence I would have on her. I am naturally very, very hurt. If my son had taken steps to address his problems and was respectful to me he would have been welcomed with open arms. He hates me for some reason - probably blames me for his father leaving, although it was his dad who was unfaithful to me. My daughter refuses to acknowledge that I am not well and says I am being a victim. I told her to walk a mile in my shoes then she could judge me but she said I was just feeling sorry for myself. I really don't know what I've done to deserve this from her. She is so cold and unfeeling towards me. Since her daughter was born two years ago I have never refused to babysit or to help out. I don't want her to be eternally grateful I just want her to be understanding and compassionate towards me and to appreciate just how difficult it is to bring up children when you're on your own. How do I resolve this matter? I've tried talking to her but she won't listen. I've tried sending SMS messages but she said I was pathetic and told me not to text again.

This site will help you to create boundries which, when set and adhered to, will allow you some peace of mind.

Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self

Please,take some time and look through it,there are many in here who can add to this.

KBC

Thank you for the link KBC. I will look through the site. I thought I had set boundaries when I asked my son to leave and refused to allow him to abuse me any more. On the odd occasions when he has been home and has started to be disrespectful I have made him leave immediately. I guess there are yet more boundaries I have to set with my daughter? I'm just feeling a little confused and sad at the moment and rather reluctant to try to speak to her again for fear of rejection. Thank you once again. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by suzieb

Thank you for the link KBC. I will look through the site. I thought I had set boundaries when I asked my son to leave and refused to allow him to abuse me any more. On the odd occasions when he has been home and has started to be disrespectful I have made him leave immediately. I guess there are yet more boundaries I have to set with my daughter? I'm just feeling a little confused and sad at the moment and rather reluctant to try to speak to her again for fear of rejection. Thank you once again. :)

Tough love is very difficult when dealing with moody disrespectful and irresponsible children.

Both of your children are acting like children(and young ones at that!)

I am sorry about the courts and the living situation problems but,WHO MADE THE BED?who is responsible for their own actions?

He is how old?And she is how old?

Your hard fought parenting is almost done,all you could teach them,as young children, has been completed.

Now they have to face life on life's terms.

We had to,when we left the nest,we didn't have to get into legal troubles,that is choice,he chose to go the route he is on,she(daughter) is trying(might be enabling him too) but can't see her way through this either.

Not sure where this is going so I am going to eat dinner and look back,might change this a little to clarify it some.

KBC

Thanks again. Would welcome a little clarification if you could please. It all gets kind of mixed up in my head and I just don't know what to do for the best. Should I do nothing or should I speak out? If these were people I didn't love and care about it wouldn't be half so hard.

Quote:

Originally Posted by suzieb

If these were people I didn't love and care about it wouldn't be half so hard.

Yeah,I can understand that!

What is the first thing you think has to be addressed?

EDIT: What is the most upsetting right now,what is your main concern?

In order to help you we need to address a lot of different things,this is a little complicated and if you like,we can all take a little time to help you with these issues.

Yes please, your help is much appreciated! For me right now the most upsetting thing is not being able to see my granddaughter. The problems with my son have become the norm and do not distress me so much now. However, my main concern is to try to get my family back on track and for us all to get along. I guess I want my kids to respect me and it doesn't feel as though they do. My son definitely doesn't respect me otherwise he wouldn't abuse me as he does and my daughter clearly doesn't either or she would not try to punish me by withholding my granddaughter from me. I know she does not approve of the way I have handled the problems with her brother and will not listen to my reasons. She does not understand that because of all the years of stress and strain I have not the strength to cope with him any longer. The stress was not all caused by him incidentally. Over the last 3 years so many things have gone wrong in my life. I have been under threat of losing my job for some time, I split with a partner because he was unfaithful, my brother was dying, my house was falling into disrepair, I had money worries and health concerns. I am not complaining; it's just the way it's been. My daughter simply dismisses all of these things with flippant remarks and seems to think I should be superhuman. Actually come to think of it it seems that they both are trying to punish me for something. Not being paranoid; it just appears that way.

Is the job situation settling down or is it still a situation?

Your personal health has to take first place over all others.(I am diabetic also,I understand the stress and high blood sugar)

After YOUR side of the street is in order,then you can address the kids.

If you are OK with how you are today,the next step is to find a neutral atmosphere to communicate with your daughter.One where she can't just dismiss you or attack you verbally.(hopefully she wouldn't do something like this in public!)

Could you get her to see a councilor with you?

Hi again. The job situation has now settled thankfully. We have been given a reprieve for maybe 1 year.

I am trying to get my blood sugar down and addressing my health issues. One of the ways is trying NOT to get stressed.

No, I doubt my daughter would see a counselor with me as she is in the right (in her eyes). I have volunteered for mediation with my son but as yet he refuses to engage. Also the youth worker isn't pushing anything until my son gets some accommodation. But you have given me an idea. Maybe once his housing issues are sorted he will take part in this and perhaps my daughter may agree to attend as well. I will certainly try to persuade her to do so. Or maybe my son would be able to do it; it could be beneficial for him because he would see her as an ally. Perhaps her being there could give him the courage to attend and face his demons. I think that he blames me for his father leaving and I think she may have some issues over her own father (they have different dads) that she blames me for. She says that her father and step father were simply a waste of space; not that she mentions it often. There were circumstances which I contributed to (foolishly) that caused him to lose touch with her. There is evidently resentment there with both of them. My son is clearly hurting as his dad has all but abandoned him; he has consistently drifted in an out of his life for the last 10 years; sometimes not contacting him for two years at a time. The issues with my daughter have only recently surfaced; prior to the last few weeks we had been getting along fine for the last 4 or 5 years. She is pregnant though so hormones may be playing a part. Oops! I'm looking for someone to blame for all of this aren't I?

I am hoping for some kind of reconciliation before Christmas if possible but it's not looking good. I just don't know whether I should contact her or let her contact me.

I would like to continue this.

I can not ask you to chat off site so we will continue here if you'd like

It is obvouis the girl does not want the problems either and is in a hurry to get rid of him herself.

If he has a government case worker, call them and leave it up to them to find him a place to live,

Hi Fr_Chuck. Thanks for taking the time to reply to me. I can see your point although he doesn't seem to misbehave for her. I think it's that she views him as my responsibility which obviously he is but at the moment I am not strong enough to cope with the way he treats me and therefore cannot take responsibility for his accommodation.

I'd appreciate it thanks KBC. Is there a PM facility on here? Or if you think it may help someone else with a similar dilemma we can keep it public. Just ask away anything you want to know. I need to make some sense of all of this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by suzieb

Hi again. The job situation has now settled thankfully. We have been given a reprieve for maybe 1 year.

I am trying to get my blood sugar down and addressing my health issues. One of the ways is trying NOT to get stressed.

No, I doubt my daughter would see a counselor with me as she is in the right (in her eyes). I have volunteered for mediation with my son but as yet he refuses to engage. Also the youth worker isn't pushing anything until my son gets some accommodation. But you have given me an idea. Maybe once his housing issues are sorted he will take part in this and perhaps my daughter may agree to attend as well. I will certainly try to persuade her to do so. Or maybe my son would be able to do it; it could be beneficial for him because he would see her as an ally. Perhaps her being there could give him the courage to attend and face his demons. I think that he blames me for his father leaving and I think she may have some issues over her own father (they have different dads) that she blames me for. She says that her father and step father were simply a waste of space; not that she mentions it often. There were circumstances which I contributed to (foolishly) that caused him to lose touch with her. There is evidently resentment there with both of them. My son is clearly hurting as his dad has all but abandoned him; he has consistently drifted in an out of his life for the last 10 years; sometimes not contacting him for two years at a time. The issues with my daughter have only recently surfaced; prior to the last few weeks we had been getting along fine for the last 4 or 5 years. She is pregnant though so hormones may be playing a part. Oops! I'm looking for someone to blame for all of this aren't I?

I am hoping for some kind of reconciliation before Christmas if possible but it's not looking good. I just don't know whether I should contact her or let her contact me.

What would either action achieve?

Not contacting her would bring what result for you?Probably no contact from her and then you'll feel let down.

Contacting her might bring some answers to you,rather than the doubt no contact would.

Quote:

Originally Posted by suzieb

I'd appreciate it thanks KBC. Is there a PM facility on here? Or if you think it may help someone else with a similar dilemma we can keep it public. Just ask away anything you want to know. I need to make some sense of all of this.

I would be welcome to PM,but it seems you would need to initiate the contact.(I believe this would be politically correct)I will answer your questions in here if Pm'ing isn't correct for the site rules.( I am checking on the rules as we speak)

I sent my daughter a text this morning saying I'd like to see GDaughter. No reply. Son been to visit; starting college Monday and looking at accommodation on Thursday. Seemed in high spirits and no nastiness. At the moment he isn't a problem. I feel very relieved about that but daren't hope too much in case he runs out of motivation again. It's the disappointment that hurts.

Good for you to contact her,now it is up to her to make a decision.It is no longer a doubt for you,whatever the outcome,you have put forth the offer/question.

So what if she doesn't reply? Its almost Christmas. I have all the gifts wrapped for my GDaughter (she's almost 3 years old) and I want her to have them. Also my daughter and her partner. My son says he will be at their house for Christmas lunch. Where does that leave me?

Was the invitation for Christmas or just a greeting?

If it was a Christmas gathering message and she doesn't call,make alternate plans for her and the grand daughter(and her partner)like maybe a day after the holiday is over(I know sounds lame, but how else do you get time with the grand daughter otherwise)

If she continues to ignore this gesture on your part,you might have to accept the worst,at least for this year anyway.

Keeping your chin up and not setting yourself up to be let down,, keeping those boundries set and not breaking in to your daughters will(which seems to be to aggravate you for some reason) is the healthy way to deal with this.

All I said in the text was that I wanted to see my granddaughter; I asked her to let me know where and when. There was no specific time or place. Prior to this blow up I was invited for Christmas lunch but was told last week I couldn't go. Anyway I suppose I must look on the bright side - at least my son will be warm, dry and well fed on Christmas Day. I'm not going to beg to see my beautiful granddaughter no matter how hurt I feel. I wish I could tell my daughter what I think of the way she treats me but I know that even if I do meet up with her she won't let me speak. She just shouts over the top of me whenever I try to say anything she doesn't want to hear.