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Thank you so much for those kind words. It helps to know that there are others out there who understand our feelings. There is a saying 'What goes around comes around' and perhaps one day in a similar situation some of these DL's will look back with regret but in the meantime precious time which could be so happy is so sad.
You are an actual person, not defined only in terms of your relationship to your son and the child. When you are disrespected and inconvenienced, repeatedly cancelled on and treated like you are on the "b" list, of course you are in the right to express your frustrattion about it.
I think the wheels come off the bus when you drag her relationship with her family into your issues with her though. The reason she cancels on you or gives you the short end of the stick are irrelevant. What is relevant is that she makes plans with you and does not consider how rude and inconsiderate it is to you to cancel those plans, nor the fact that your feelings are not considered when she does so.
I would have a talk with both the son and daughter in law and simply let them know, "I love having (child) as you know, and I know you have busy lives. I understand you sometimes will have to adjust plans at the last minute for emergencies, and of course I want to do what I can to make things easier for you. However, you are in the habit of cancelling on me because you feel a better offer has come up, and that is not considerate of me and is not socially acceptable. I need to let you know that I am a person as well as your mother/mother-in-law, and I do have feelings. You are so important to me, when you are discourteous to me or ignore my feelings, or call me "over-sensitive" for being offended by behavior that is flat - out offensive in just about any circumstance, you do so with a lot of emotional power over me. I just wanted to let you know that it does hurt me, and I hope that you will consider the plans you arrange with me to be just as important as the plans you make with others - whether a dental appointment or lunch with your best friend or whatever else".
Of course, in your own words but that's the essence of the thing.
The last poster has some good points.
Since it seems to be so COMMON perhaps it's not so much the DIL's as much as it is about the whole structure/relationship of MIL/DIL's.
I have MIL from hell. One of those sweet to your face but manipulative-overbearing type MIL's. I have absolutely NO problem with my child seeing her; however, she has proven to me time after time that she can not be trusted alone with my daughter. Now she doesn't understand why I won't let her stay the night or have visits unsupervised. Visits use to be once a week but from a DIL's point of a view... her grandmother didn't know how to get on the floor and PLAY with my child... she expects her to be an adult and sit there & 'chat'... how fun is that for a toddler? So when I make arrangements for my daughter to PLAY with other children the MIL shouldn't be upset.
When you make snide comments (If you make snide comments) that is a complete turn off. I can take critism but not about my parenting UNLESS I was doing something to put my child's health at risk. MIL's tend have this aura that they should be the dominant one, that they should be shown this respect but HELLO the DIL is just as much of a woman as you. Now this isn't to say that all mother's are mature... there's too many that should have been given a test before allowed to have children.
I ALWAYS invite my MIL over to come over and visit but I couldn't tell you the last time she has taken 5-10 minutes to drive over. Yet then she complains that she doesn't see her grandbaby. Also it's not her baby. It is natural for a daughter to WANT to spend more time with her family vs you. Don't take it personal. Call your son and let him know that you would really love to see the grandkids... if you really do then let them know that it doesn't matter if you have to SHARE the time...
There is so much that goes both ways...
I have the same problem with my daughter-in-law and have to schedule visits which are few and far between. As sad as this is going to sound it all has to do with money that they asked us for and we did not have. I have bought my granddaughter clothes, toys and I bring my loving self when I can. I was a single parent for most of my children's life and always worked, spent time, loved them and did whatever I could them involved with. My son and daughter both had a big brother and big sister who treated them great! However, now that I do not have extra money to give them to put towards a house and the daughter-in-laws parents are always giving money, I am on the outs. I was told not to tell them about anything I buy or any vacations I may go on because it makes them feel bad. I guess I am not supposed to spend my hard earned money on myself sometimes. I do not own a house and if I had the money to give and/or lend I would but I don't. I am in my mid forties and do not have much money toward retirement yet. I still feel guilty that I do not give them money. After the way I have been treated and the way my parents (son's grandparent's) have been treated, I will only help if the baby needs food, clothes, diapers, shoes or anything else but I cannot under good consciounse give "them" money. My parent's could/would not give them any money (they asked for $10,000) so my daughter-in-law actually brought some gifts that the great grandparents had bought and dropped them off in their driveway! The driveway of my elderly parents and they have not seen their great grandchild but one time. My son is also to blame. I was so upset, disgusted and appalled by this that I cannot feel good about even considering giving them any money if I did have it. I have never in my life heard of such a hateful thing to do. So in short I have to bite my tongue and be a nice person in order to see my granddaughter. The sad part is that if there was not a grandchild involved I would not have any contact with them. You always love your children but you do not always have to like them. Sorry for the length of this post and believe it or not this is the short version. Anyway at this point I will do what I need to do to see my granddaughter except pay admission. Unfortunaltely someday my son and daughter-in-law will go over the line and I'll have to figure out what to do from there.
The only consolation I can give you is that you are not alone in this. There are many spoilt, selfish daughter in laws and equally selfish mothers of daughters who have brought them up to consider no one but themselves and their own families. At least you have time on your side and perhaps they will eventually mature enough to learn to think about someone other than themselves. I am 65 and have rarely seen my grandson who is now 4 since he was born. I have not seen him for over a year. They now live abroad and the only time we have been to visit them we were not made welcome by our daughter in law. I hope the situation improves for yourself and also for your parents. Enjoy the time you have with your grand daughter and perhaps as she gets older she will help to bring your family together again.
I feel your hurt. We have 4 grandchildren and because of overbearing daughter-in-laws, we have never felt close to any of them. They are raising them with totally selfish values, and when we try to be a part of their lives (our grandchildren), our wimpy sons never speak up to tell their children to be nice to us. They are allowed to whine, whimper, and reject us totally in their presence, an except to some exceptions our daughter-in- laws, rule the roost. That is totally the problem with having sons is that the girls they marry are spoiled and selfish and think only of themselves, their feelings, their this, their that. I am ready to just say screw it and buy a new family ! :D
As the "daughter-in-law" I have been blamed many times for cancelled plans I did not cancel.
Sometimes the lack of time isn't a reflection of the daughter but maybe some unresolved issues with your son. Ex. My ex-husband refused to speak to his dad and step-mom for 2 years, they had no contact with our kids. On numerous occasions I told him to fix his issues with his dad and step-mom. They thought it was me the whole time.
We were at a family reunion and they apologized to me and begged to see the kids. It had nothing to do with me. I told them I didn't know what they were apologizing for and told them they were welcomed to spend time with the kids.
I'm engaged now, and many times this still happens on a smaller scale. Looking back it was common when I was dating as well. Make sure your relationship with your son is in good shape.
Thank you for a view from the other side. We will hopefully be mending our bridges and leaving the past this coming weekend when we get together for mother's day. I will try to be more understanding of my daughter-in-law, and make sure I find out the real reasons for her issues with me.
The old saying when you have a daughter you have her for life but when you have a son you have him until he takes a wife and her mother...
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Granny
I totally agree, it is how they have been brought up and it appears that my DiL and her mother are very cleaver in taking what they can when it is free of course. My DiL has never worked and has everything at her disposal but that is not enough she wants more and more. I have been very generous with her but she takes this and still wants more. I think I will have to withdraw in giving as they take it for granted now more. She walks off with owing me money and things that is useful for her used and then passes them on to her parents and sister.
What a mob they are, but of course you only realised when you have been in contact with them for any length of time. I do not know how my son puts up with her laziness and her mother constant saying 'well she had your children' and that should all be expected of her daughters. :mad:
It is a comfort in some small way to know it is not just me, but in another way, it is a sad commentary on the state of the world and the amount of selfishness! I had a horrible mother in law who I spent years trying to be kind and loving to even after my husband left. I took my sons to see their grandparents on BOTH sides, equally - even taking my sons to my mother/father in laws house leaving them for several hours (because I was not invited in) and then returning for my sons. I felt it was the right thing to do because my boys had a right to know both sets of grandparents - and it was the right thing for my sons! So here I sit now on a Saturday with a broken heart because My third grandson was born two weeks ago and each time I call to go and see him, I am told "that time is great" and just before I get ready to leave to go - I am called and told not to come, "it's not a good time right now" - what do I do? What can I do? I guess in some ways she is doing me a favor because it would be just another grandson that I constantly miss! I love my daughter in law - she is an amazing wife to my son and a great mom - I don't get it!Quote:
Originally Posted by Sad Granny
My thought and prayers go out to all of you. I will pray for the selfish/uncaring DIL's out there, as well. I am a 45 yr old Mimi of three grandchildren, two girls and one boy. My situation is that each of them have different mom's! Yes, three girls who would be DIL's have they married my oldest son. The first girl, my son got together with after her 18 yr old boyfriend committed suicide. She was 15 1/2, then. I thought she was 17, or so she looked way older. Her mother allowed guys to spend the night and she'd supplied condoms to all the neighborhood boys because she worked at planned parenthood. Anyway, on New Years Eve, this girl had the nerve to ask me what I would do if she had a baby~ all her friends were having them and she'd love to have one. WHAT! My son had told me to let her know how hard it was on me to balance school and him when I was 18, and that he wasn't ready to be a dad yet. She got pregnant in February the following year. I helped raise my granddaughter for 4 years, and the girls lies to everyone acting as if she was a great mother always around. She was a kid, still being a rebellious teenager. My son even bought her a ring and asked her to marry him. That didn't last long because she started seeing other guys. Now, she is finally married, but since then has moved 5 hours away and doesn't allow my son to have visitation and tells me what to say and do about how to be a grandma. The new husband is called "daddy" and HIS parents are "the grandparents" now. It is so sad to not be able to see her because it is hard to travel around our work schedules and IF she ever comes to town, my son has to share her between her mom's family and ours. We do not have a problem with the middle grandson's great grandparents. We are very lucky they are raising him, although his mom lives with them. She does get verbally ugly sometimes, but we know not to let it bother us because she doesn't have a clue about raising a child yet. She's around more with him, so that is good. Okay, now the last grandchild was found out when she was 6 months. Her mom didn't even bother to let my son know the baby MAY be his. She's a stripper! She tested a few guys, black and white, but none were positive. She found my son on Myspace THROUGH THE FIRST CHILD'S MOM! Not a good idea! Anyhow, my son was tested. 99 % positive he was the dad. She acted all excited to meet us and involve us in her life, set up a meet her daughter day at her dad's close by, then moved the next weekend! She told my son the day before she moved! This grandchild is 4 hours away, she has become best friends with my other grandchildrens moms (they cyber bully my son and me all the time). When I ask about my granddaughter, she tells me not to ask because I have to, ask because I want to. Breaks my heart! She was going to keep us posted on her "firsts", send pictures, email, etc. She is now the mother of a new baby girl by her nice black boyfriend and allows his baby to go for days to HIS parents home, but we are not allowed to do this with our granddaughter. How cold is that? I just want to give up. The little girl doesn't even know us. We have seen her twice since she's been in Houston for both of her birthdays, and miss her very much. Any advice? I pray my two other sons marry nice, caring, family-oriented, unselfish women. God bless, and sorry for the detailed post. I'm just so depressed about all of it. My son IS married now to a very nice gal.
I feel for all of you that have posted on this site. I would like to offer you a perspective from the other side. I am a new mother of a 4 month old son. Recently, I went back to work after being home with him all day for three months. That time for me was amazing, so The transition has been very difficult for me. Now, I see him perhaps an hour and a half a day before he's ready to conk out. Though I know my m-i-l wants to see him more often, I wish that she realized that I, too, want to see him more often. Our time together has been drastically reduced and I cherish every moment I have with him. Because he is so young, we try very hard to stick to a schedule. M-I-L wants to come by at 6 right as we are beginning our night time routine. (bath, bottle, book, and bed) Occasional interruptions to this schedule are harmless, but more frequent stops, dinners out, etc are just not plausible at this time. Also, when she offers to keep him she does so with offers to pick him from nursery school (while I am at work) and take him out and about. I feel uncomfortable with anyone other than my husband or me driving our son around. She is offended, however, I can't help how we both feel about this and would likely be all for her offer if she suggested that she watch him at our home for a few hours. Rather, she wants the freedom to run errands, go out to lunch, etc. I do understand that to the grandparents out there, this fear seems rather obnoxious, but it is not one that is limited to her and I wish she would respect our feelings rather than trying to make us feel guilty for having them. I am not a terrible person. I have a college degree, a full time job, and am a loving wife. That I feel closer to my own mother is not a reflection of my m-i-l. I do feel as though I react negatively when she attempts to make me feel guilty, pushes me, or objects to my not allowing her to watch my son if she wants to be driving around. Grandparents are a blessing, and there are those of us that DO cherish you. Please to take into account what Ive said, as well as the type of family relationships your d-i-l had. I did not see my grandparents weekly, sometimes even monthly - but I always loved them, enjoyed them, and cherished them - just as they did me.
This is clearly an emotional topic. My daughter has struggled with her mother in law who thinks it is her right to tell her son and my daughter how to live their lives. She takes it personally when they reject her advice. She has tried to put a wedge between my daughter and her son. Which, happily, only brings the two of them closer together.
Just ask yoursel this. Do I treat my daughter in law the way I expected my mother in law to treat me when I was young? (Yes, it IS the same thing... )
And good luck. I am sure you mean well. But your grandchild will grow up with or without you. And if you want it to be with you, you may have to take a different approach. What you are doing now is clearly not working. So... just a thought...
For heavens sake does no one ever watch and look at the dates of the thread. This thread was over 3 years old.
Hit the nail on the head! If my mother in law would stop thinking of herself, and enjoyed herself instead of throwing out weird and unwelcome comments about myself and my husband, and my family then we might want to be around her more often.
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