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He knows that you love him, right? He knows that he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour, right? He knows what the expectations are, right? He knows how to make decisions and take care of himself, right?

If you can answer yes, he knows these things either because he has been told, shown, or has demonstrated them, then you can be confident that you are doing the right thing.

You haven't cut him off, you have only made your expectations of him known. It is now his choice to either accept that or not... which he will likely do in time.

I can honestly say yes to all if those questions and if he is honest he should yes yes to then all.

Again, you are doing the right thing. At this point, I think counseling might be in order.

He is a 30 year old grown man. Mum, he is a big boy and can take car of himself. I would understand your pain more if he were 16 and putting you through this, but at his age most people are married with families. They no longer depend on their mothers.

Just curious if you have seen a doctor for your "wobbles"? What else could be going on in your life that makes you so stuck on the life of an adult? Could this be just a symptom of another issue you are having?

Regardless it takes time to adjust physically, mentally, and emotionally to life changing events once we have accepted we have little or no control over others. No understanding shoulder to cry on? No sympathetic friends?

I have seen doc am on anti depressants also having counselling. I have always been there for all my children and just feel I am letting him down not being there for him even though I know it's the right thing to do. Made even worse by the fact the Christmas is fast approaching. But that said I don't feel I have any other option.

Of course you have MANY other options. None involve him though. Hard to let go, and hard to accept he doesn't need you to be there for him as you have always been, and still want to be. How old are you? Do you work? What's your social life like? Friends and family besides your kids? Grandkids?

Holidays are tough for all of us who don't have the luxury of planning that big family get together, with all our chicks around for us to cluck over and fuss about. Doesn't mean we can't plan and enjoy those we do have. I am sure you, and your husband are making a plan, right?

I can't bear to talk about Christmas as the moment. I just don't sang him to feel alone or a afraid I'm rubbish aren't I ?

Am 58 work in a beautiful clothes shop. Friends good and other family supportive. The fact that he may not be there for Christmas us not a problem as he wasn't when he was abroad but worry about him feeling sad and unhappy

Mum, you are letting him down if you let him come back home. He needs to learn how to stand on his own two feet and respect others. You are letting him down if you don't make him do this.

Do you remember when he was little and about to take his first step? Remember how scary that felt to let go and let him take that step? This is really no different except for the fact that he is an adult now and can think for himself. It's you that has to let go, just like you did so many years ago.

I think you are more dependent on him than he is on you, and that is a problem.

That's the point everyone has been trying to make. Just because he isn't in your eyesight smiling and happy doesn't mean he isn't smiling and happy so get that sourpuss picture out of your mind, and do something good for yourself or someone else, like your husband.

Where the heck does this notion he isn't happy without your help even come from?

You are fretting about this son. I hope that doesn't mean you are neglecting the other child because of this child's issue.

No I am not neglecting the other children I promise. This worry I have is really not for me it's for him honestly. I don't depend on him at all but I know he can be very vulnerable and the thought of him spending time on his own over Christmas worries me as it's his favourite time if year. Also I know deep down he will at times be feeling sad and that makes me very sad. I cannot get rid if this churned up feeling inside.

I have been thinking about this it's not a case really of letting him go is it? I happily let him go abroad to various places because I knew he was happy and wanted to do that. In this case it's different it's the horrible circumstances that surround this and the fact that I can't seem to put this right? There is this conflict and I can't do anything and it makes me very sad.

There comes a time, and it is different for everyone, when you come to terms with the idea that you don't have control over your child's happiness. They make choices in their life sometimes that we wish they would have done differently. You can suggest, advise, hint to them all that you want, but they will need to follow their own path... and it may not always be what you would have chosen for them.

You have to trust that what you taught him years ago, as he was growing up, will be in the back of his mind and it will guide at least some of his decisions in life. You can't always be the safety net that you would like to be, as it can get in the way of him landing on his own two feet and finding out that he can stand on his own, even if he has to take a few falls to realise it!

You have let him go, in a way, but not in the sense of abandonment. You are letting him go so that he can learn that he can do this without needing the safety net and that choices in life bring consequences, good and bad.

Think of it as just another stage of growing up. You had plenty of times earlier where you let him have more and more freedom and responsibility; this is the same thing. Now you are giving him the opportunity to be an adult in the fullest sense of the word.

What lovely advice thanks very much for that

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Peedles

I have been thinking about this it's not a case really of letting him go is it? I happily let him go abroad to various places because I knew he was happy and wanted to do that. In this case it's different it's the horrible circumstances that surround this and the fact that I can't seem to put this right? There is this conflict and I can't do anything and it makes me very sad.

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I think you are still holding on to those feelings you had when the conflict happened and just keep re-feeling them again. Perhaps you don't know how to let those feelings go, or at least what to do when they come to the surface. Its okay to cry for a time, but not okay to dwell on them so long it affects you so adversely. Over time the crying and dwelling should be less as you figure out ways to move beyond this temporary funk.

How long have you been in counselling for this? I cannot imagine you have not been given tools to deal with your feelings, so my question is do you use them? Have you established and put into practice a routine for dealing with these feelings? The worst thing you can do is feed self pity and wallow in it as a form of punishment for some perceived failure on your part.

In that case you need to learn to forgive yourself for NOT being able to fix this conflict so you can move beyond it. I have seen much suffering when we cannot forgive ourselves, and quit trying to come up with a fix for our conflicts. I perfectly understand not wanting to give up, but the problem in this case you are NOT even remotely responsible for your son's happiness, or saving him from tough responsibility of his own actions.

I venture this would be much easier on you if he would give you a regular progress report on his happiness (which is probably all you want from him in the first place) because I think what you seek is the reassurance he is okay, rather than just have faith that he is. Yes mom, he has survived this trauma without you, so it is time to accept it and stop making this such a big deal.

He probably wasn't as traumatized as YOU were. Write him a long letter and get it all out, put it away for a while, and go back and read it and then burn it. Do this every time you get that sad wobble and feel bad for your son. Keeping a journal of your feelings for examination later at a less emotional time may help you, or get your meds adjusted. OR BOTH. It's a process, finding the right balance, and there are no quick fixes just resolutions to be adjusted as needed.

For some the PROCESS is longer than for others, but it does get better with time. You cannot rush your own healing. Or ignore your own limits. But you are correct in that you have no other options but get control of YOURSELF. For sure you won't get your way.

Thanks for those lovely words also

Oh and only has one counselling session another one next week

Not a good night last night. My youngest son said he had seen Luke and he is really struggling for money for rent and food. Luke told him not to tell me but he did. This really upset me and I wanted to go out today and buy him some food. My husband said no I wasn't to do that he has been told we want him to be in our family and the door is open when he is ready to change. By doing that I would be giving the wrong message. It is so hard! Is he right?

Even worse day to day so worried apparently he has about reached his overdraft limit. I am worried out if my mind?

Keep in mind that he was living on his own abroad. What did he do to cover his expenses at that time? What was he doing while living abroad? If he was able to do so then, he can do so now. Do you know if he is working? Even at a take away, he can earn some money.