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Originally Posted by samsclub

You are right you do need to learn how to deal with it. As a mother of 3 young children it would stress me out if my mother in law were over sensitive and trying to "schedule" times with them. It is not natural and it does not flow. Your daughter in law will naturally go to her mother- where she has great comfort. It is not a reflection on you at all. You are taking that part personally.

With you trying to force yourself into their family time/life they will pull away even more. When you do see your grandchild just be the best grandmother you can be and enjoy seeing them. Let the atmosphere be comfortable and enjoyable. It is not a battle between her parents and you. You need to lower your expectations so that you will not feel so overwhelmed and they will not feel the pressure.

Just enjoy them and her when they do come over. (At least they do see you.) If you relax they might relax.

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:( :( :(
I think your idea is all wrong... this family with the grand child need to have empathy towards both grand parents. They all diserve to visit with the grand child. What the hell is family about? In the USA, family is something that is just not there for the kids. I should know I was an educator and I saw it first hand. It is rare to see a full structured family.
Something that is needed as a good foundation for our country... but not the case.
The children need to know their heritage... it gives a sense of being. Get a Clue!

I can sympathize with you. I have two beautiful grandchildren. My son became a widow last year at the age of 28. He now has a girlfriend who he has become very involved with him as well as the children.
In my case this young women , who is very good with my son and grandchildren spends less and less time with our family and more and more time with hers. I don't complain for fear that I will not see my grandchildren at all.I watch my grandchildren getting closer with her family.When the come to my home it's for a few hours but when it's her family its for hours and hours ( Very Late )
But , unless my son is willing to speak up and say something I don't see any changes happening. It breaks my heart to see our family drifting apart but honestly unless my son sets some ground rules I have no choice but to take what I can get..
Maybe daughters are different.
Good luck !

I've got a situation much worse I feel actually. For two years as doting grandparents we had loads of access to our grandson. His mum was really pleased to accept the help that we offered which included financial and supportive in fact whatever was best not just for our grandson but for her too. Her mum is dead and I feel I tried to become a sort of mom to her. Everything was great until 'the new man' came on the scene. Then, without notice, our phone calls were not answered. She changed her number, moved house and eventually moved our grandsons from his nursery. We have had no contact for 12mths and have approached a solicitor (who needs £230 plus vat an hour to help). Our solicitor advised a private detective to first find our grandson/his mom. He came up with nothing. We then went down a different route and have now been informed that 'no financial contracts' have been undertaken in the uk this year! What does that mean - probably that she has left the country with our grandson? She was on benefits and had never worked so I doubt if she is keeping herself, and at any rate, wouldn't that include family allowance which she would be entitled to still. We are at a loss as to what else we can do. So I suppose what I am saying is that even if its not as much contact as you would like, there is something to be said for putting up with the scraps - we would love to be able to do that just now.

Not to pirate the discussion but as an update on my daughter in law problem. It is far from over, yet took a new twist. They were planning the wedding (date confirmed) when she found out she was pregnant. We took it in stride and she opted to keep the same date even though she would be considerably pregnant at the time of marriage. About a month after they were married a close friend of hers came to my son and said she was riddled with guild she hadn't told him that the baby probably wasn't his as the new wife had been having an affair at work. My son was devastated but confronted her, she assured him it was his baby, but admitted to the affair. He requested she take a DNA test, which she agreed to. I believe she thought he would let it "drop", but he didn't. Well you guessed it... the DNA was performed at the birth and 48 hrs later we learned he was not the father. She moved out, taking all the furniture I purchased and even now is trying to manipulate back into his life. They have been separated 3 months and she wants to get back together. She even offered to give up the baby for adoption to her mother to make it easier.
What a mess. For the first time in my life, I did speak up to my son. I usually tell him what ever his choice, I will abide by it but this time I spoke my mind. I can only hope he learns from this horrific happening that this marriage is not meant to be. Our family has been turned upside down.
I hope things are easier for the rest of the posters and things are settling in.

Well - what a mess indeed. But surely your son wouldn't want her after all that. I'm not saying that it should be a problem for him bringing up another mans baby - I really think that to be a dad you have to be there throughout - not just at conception, but for her to offer to give you her baby - what else could this woman do? Anyway - nothing much here has changed. I've heard back from another private detective - still negative on an address I'm afraid and also tried to contact her sister - who refuses to take our calls. I've just done a letter addressed to her via her brother, but now I find out that he has moved address - I'm not giving up either!!

I am so glad to find a place where there's discussion of a daughter in law problem instead of the many MIL from Hell places. Being a Mother in Law is the worst role a mother of a son could have to perform in life. My heart goes out to all who have expressed their pain and anger sometimes at the treatment they receive from daughters in law. I believe it is fairly common for women to be close to their mothers and for men to simply give up making any family plans when they marry. As the mother of two sons I have found that my sons go along with whatever arrangements their wives make. Period. I have taken things personally, felt hurt and anger and want to just find a way to let go of these negative feelings. It is not easy to let go and although I have seen kind answers here, I still don't know how to let go of the hurt. I have started seeing a therapist, for the first time in my life, and I am hoping to learn hope to just let go of the feelings and move on with life. If anyway knows a better way, please let me know. I don't think there is a way to change the situation. The only possibility is to change your feelings or let go of the hurt.
I suspect there are a lot of selfish DILs out there and a lot of ambivalent sons who want to keep the DILs happy.

You are not alone. :confused: When my two sons were born I knew then the above would happen. Now that it has it still deeply hurts. My sons mother in law is devious and does everything she can to to make me look bad and push me out of my sons life. We have given them so much more and the only thing I can think is that she is jealous. We only get to see them about three times a year you would think when we visit she would lay off but she doesn't. She is like the little devil on my daughter in laws shoulder. My daughter in law is having a baby and I want to be there when it is born and her mother in law is telling people she doesn't understand why I think I need to be there. Yet she will be. She doesn't have a clue how selfish that sounds. Wish daughter in laws could treat their mother in laws how they would want their future daughter in laws to treat them!

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Originally Posted by sandi_feet

I have a beautiful 19 month granddaughter that I dearly love and I love to spend time with her. The time I get to spend with her seems to me, is the time left over after everyone else. I have made plans for special outings on several ocassions only to have them canceled at the last minute. If there is a last minute get together or anything that comes up with her family, I get blown off. I would never treat my daughter in law in such a way. Because of getting my feelings hurt and feeling like I am of no importance, I am now getting jealous along with the getting hurt. I know my daughter in law is close to her mother and she has alot of family in this area. Alot of Aunts, Uncles and cousins. My family in the area is my husband, my Mom ( I am her only care provider ), my son, daughter in law, and granddaughter. I can't seem to talk to my son about how I feel as he thinks I am over sensitive, and becomes all defensive. ( Last Christmas I was allotted the time between 9am-10am for Christmas day. The rest of the day was spent at her parents. ) I really don't like to be jealous because I like her parents. I am not comfortable talking to my daughter in law about how I feel. The only solution is for me to learn how to deal with this and I don't even know where to begin. HELP

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That's sad... "awww!" It reminds me of the girl my 28 yr. old just married 9 days ago, they've been together 5 yrs. no grandchildren from him yet. But, I am a grandmother for the first time 7 days ago my other son. And I live in FL and they are all in MA. Sandy the one who just married my son, is horrible to me, while the other one is the sweetest little thing. And I treated them no different. No matter how nice I am, I'm fighting a losing battle. I talk to her when I'm there, she walks away. If I talk to my son, she literally steps in front of us, and starts talking to him and he never answers me, answers her instead. She does the same thing to his friends. She talks about everybody, her family, mine, her friends, his.. makes up lies, and I mean HORRIBLE lies about people and when caught, starts laughing. My son won't call me, send me a thank you note nothing, when I send him things, won't even acknowledge me what so ever. My other son and his girl can't stand her.
Her whole family are snobs, think they're better than everyone else. The all make up terrible lies about people, and sit around and watch the drama unfold. She stole my son away from me too, just like yours was stolen from you. It was if my son was kidnapped and brought to another family and I was forgotten. I only have 1 son now... how sad. I feel like I am in mourning.:(

Sad Mother Everyone who has posted here is a sad mom and none of us seems to have an answer about how to let go of the hurt and loss we feel. It would probably be better to get an answer from Dear Abby or another professional. I'm going to therapy, but haven't gotten an answer.
I know it is small comfort, but you are not alone. You are part of a big crowd of mothers of sons. MIL grandma hopes you find peace and when you do, let me know how.

Well sandi_feet hasn't been back since posting this and by now her 19 month granddaughter
Is now almost 4 years old and hopefully things turned out better.

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Originally Posted by MIL Grandma

Sad Mother Everyone who has posted here is a sad mom and none of us seems to have an answer about how to let go of the hurt and loss we feel. It would probably be better to get an answer from Dear Abby or another professional. I'm going to therapy, but haven't gotten an answer.
I know it is small comfort, but you are not alone. You are part of a big crowd of mothers of sons. MIL grandma hopes you find peace and when you do, let me know how.

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I was touched to read your post.I thought I was alone in this awful situation.Perhaps one day when these selfish DIL's are in the same situation they will look back with compassion but by then it may be too late.Mothers love their sons just as much as daughters are loved by their mothers but they are expected to give up the relationship they have when their sons marry.Sadly for us there is often only one set of grandparents allowed and it's usually the DIL's parents.I wish you well and hope things improve for all of us in the future.

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Originally Posted by Sad Granny

I was touched to read your post.I thought I was alone in this awful situation.Perhaps one day when these selfish DIL's are in the same situation they will look back with compassion but by then it may be too late.Mothers love their sons just as much as daughters are loved by their mothers but they are expected to give up the relationship they have when their sons marry.Sadly for us there is often only one set of grandparents allowed and it's usually the DIL's parents.I wish you well and hope things improve for all of us in the future.

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It is such a relief to find this posting. I have been looking for help with my own selfish DIL--all I can find are examples of how evil Mothers-in-law are. I even heard Dr. Laura say on the radio that if there is a conflict it is ALWAYS the mother-in-law's fault because she has more "power" than the daughter-in-law. Really? I have been so hurt by the behavior of my DIL. I have had two mothers-in-law and loved them both, so expected to have a wonderful relationship when my son married. It is painful to know that my grandson spends so much more time with his other grandparents and their extended family. My DIL boycotts activities with my family. If I mention an upcoming festival, you can guarantee that they will "have to see," and then the other Grandma will end up taking him.

I am a mother of 3 kids under 5. I think you should approach you daughter-in-law offering assistance with your granddaughter. My mother & MIL are not very involved with my children. I know how appreciative I would be if I could get my hair cut during the day without my children or go to the doctor alone. Maybe you could suggest watching your granddaughter for some of those types of events where your DIL would be appreciative to have the time alone, and you would get some quality time with the baby too.

Oh! I am having the same problem with my DIL and I can't believe other people have these problems too! I understand what you are going through Sandi and Kaethel. My whole family is also feeling it. This holiday in fact, I had a problem. Every Christmas the kids come with the grandchildren and it's great. My son has a daughter that's 4 years old and she starves for my attention when she is over and its very obvious. My DIL has a schedule to keep with all of her relatives and a couple of hours to spend with us. I was going over to visit with my granddaughter and spend time with her to see what she got for Christmas. Well my sons calls me on Sunday night and they are leaving one of her relatives houses sometime soon and this is at around 2pm and says come over tonight and visit. I say OK let me know when your done with your visit. I call a couple hours later to check and they aren't done visiting. At 6pm my son calls me back saying "don't tell me its too late for you to come over now". Well it was too late for me to go over because I had to work the next day and what kind of visit it that. So I said to him, how about I come over on Friday and vist since I will be off work and you will be home too. I waited all day to hear when I could come over. I called three times and left two messages. No answer until 4pm. I wasted my whole day agonizing over why I am not good enough to see my granddaughter. My son doesn't get in the middle and I can't blame him for that but I guess I am sensitive and I would love to have quality time with my granddaughter, not the leftover time or when it's convenient for my DIL.

This problem is so common that I feel there must be some psychological explanation for it. If anyone has any insight into this it would be useful for us to understand what is going on. Continuing to love our sons and grandchildren seems to cause resentment in these selfish women.
I cannot understand why the mothers of these women do not have the decency to point out to their daughters just how cruel and selfish they are being and perhaps offer to forego some of the visits from their daughters in order to give their son in law's mother a chance to see her family. However perhaps that is why these women are so selfish because they are spoilt and have not been brought up to consider anyone but themselves.

Yes this is very sad and I really didn't stop to think it was a common problem. What is really sad is my DIL could have really gotten a bad apple of a mother in law. I stay out of their business and don't ask questions and I'm patient. I actually try to do the right thing all the time. I love my kids and grand kids. They are my life. I have two children and they are both married. My daughter has two girls, one is 3 years and the other is 5 months. I don't feel that my son in law is like a son in law at all. We can play and act silly together and he knows I wouldn't but in on anything. He is normal! I just don't get why my DIL makes it so hard when it can be easier and better for her in the long run. I don't want to be the bad person so I wait.

It's interesting to hear that you also have a daughter so can see the situation from both sides.You are so lucky to at least have a normal relationship with your son in law and daughter and their children. Perhaps one day your daughter in law will realise what her children are missing. I am sure that from your own experience you will ensure that your son in law's mother if applicable does not miss out as you have done.

Oh yes my son in laws parents see the kids a lot and we take turns. But it is really funny because it seems to work out that way without any static. They are very happy with seeing the grand kids when they want. It is a very relaxed situation and my daughter believes that all the grandparents should spend time with the kids. I firmly believe that grandparents play a large role in how grandchildren grow up. My DIL's family seem to go a lot on trips to the beach every weekend during the summer months and amusement parks also. My granddaughter takes dance, t-ball and now my son is going to coach basketball and she is going to learn how to play. I am happy that they spend time with activity with her. I think it is wonderful and I go to the activities. Sometimes I am tired but I go anyway because I feel that my grand daughter would miss me. My son it a very outgoing person and friendly. He is a very sensitive and caring person.

What is going on with you sad granny. The grand kids call me nana.

It sounds as if you are making the best of the situation and are so lucky with your daughters family.
My son and grandson who is 4 years old live abroad in his wife's home country. My son works away mid week so the week-ends are precious times for him and it is too far to go for a week-end. We have only visited once for a few days when he was not working but it did not work out with DL. She told me a number of times that her mother who lives across the road sees our grandson every day. When they lived near us we saw him once a month for about an hour. We have hardly seen him since he was born and don't know when or indeed if we will see him again.It is far more difficult for mothers of sons when the sons are working and the DL's are so inconsiderate.

Oh my, I know your son misses you very much and wishes things were different. My situation doesn't even come close to yours. I was in the Navy and had both of my children while I will in the Navy. It has to be very hard for you not seeing the both of them. When I had my children my mom wasn't with me and it was hard for her not to be there. I was stationed in Hawaii so it was hard because of money. She didn't have money and we really didn't have the money either. I can't imagine how my mom feel. When your young you don't think as deeply about situations as you do when you get older. Life becomes more important. I hope that you get to see them both soon and your daughter in law becomes my sensitive to the situation. I will say a prayer for you and sorry that it took me so long to get back on the site and read your message. I will check back later.