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He knows that you love him, right? He knows that he needs to take responsibility for his behaviour, right? He knows what the expectations are, right? He knows how to make decisions and take care of himself, right?
If you can answer yes, he knows these things either because he has been told, shown, or has demonstrated them, then you can be confident that you are doing the right thing.
You haven't cut him off, you have only made your expectations of him known. It is now his choice to either accept that or not... which he will likely do in time.
I can honestly say yes to all if those questions and if he is honest he should yes yes to then all.
Again, you are doing the right thing. At this point, I think counseling might be in order.
He is a 30 year old grown man. Mum, he is a big boy and can take car of himself. I would understand your pain more if he were 16 and putting you through this, but at his age most people are married with families. They no longer depend on their mothers.
Just curious if you have seen a doctor for your "wobbles"? What else could be going on in your life that makes you so stuck on the life of an adult? Could this be just a symptom of another issue you are having?
Regardless it takes time to adjust physically, mentally, and emotionally to life changing events once we have accepted we have little or no control over others. No understanding shoulder to cry on? No sympathetic friends?
I have seen doc am on anti depressants also having counselling. I have always been there for all my children and just feel I am letting him down not being there for him even though I know it's the right thing to do. Made even worse by the fact the Christmas is fast approaching. But that said I don't feel I have any other option.
Of course you have MANY other options. None involve him though. Hard to let go, and hard to accept he doesn't need you to be there for him as you have always been, and still want to be. How old are you? Do you work? What's your social life like? Friends and family besides your kids? Grandkids?
Holidays are tough for all of us who don't have the luxury of planning that big family get together, with all our chicks around for us to cluck over and fuss about. Doesn't mean we can't plan and enjoy those we do have. I am sure you, and your husband are making a plan, right?
I can't bear to talk about Christmas as the moment. I just don't sang him to feel alone or a afraid I'm rubbish aren't I ?
Am 58 work in a beautiful clothes shop. Friends good and other family supportive. The fact that he may not be there for Christmas us not a problem as he wasn't when he was abroad but worry about him feeling sad and unhappy
Mum, you are letting him down if you let him come back home. He needs to learn how to stand on his own two feet and respect others. You are letting him down if you don't make him do this.
Do you remember when he was little and about to take his first step? Remember how scary that felt to let go and let him take that step? This is really no different except for the fact that he is an adult now and can think for himself. It's you that has to let go, just like you did so many years ago.
I think you are more dependent on him than he is on you, and that is a problem.
That's the point everyone has been trying to make. Just because he isn't in your eyesight smiling and happy doesn't mean he isn't smiling and happy so get that sourpuss picture out of your mind, and do something good for yourself or someone else, like your husband.
Where the heck does this notion he isn't happy without your help even come from?
You are fretting about this son. I hope that doesn't mean you are neglecting the other child because of this child's issue.
No I am not neglecting the other children I promise. This worry I have is really not for me it's for him honestly. I don't depend on him at all but I know he can be very vulnerable and the thought of him spending time on his own over Christmas worries me as it's his favourite time if year. Also I know deep down he will at times be feeling sad and that makes me very sad. I cannot get rid if this churned up feeling inside.
I have been thinking about this it's not a case really of letting him go is it? I happily let him go abroad to various places because I knew he was happy and wanted to do that. In this case it's different it's the horrible circumstances that surround this and the fact that I can't seem to put this right? There is this conflict and I can't do anything and it makes me very sad.
There comes a time, and it is different for everyone, when you come to terms with the idea that you don't have control over your child's happiness. They make choices in their life sometimes that we wish they would have done differently. You can suggest, advise, hint to them all that you want, but they will need to follow their own path... and it may not always be what you would have chosen for them.
You have to trust that what you taught him years ago, as he was growing up, will be in the back of his mind and it will guide at least some of his decisions in life. You can't always be the safety net that you would like to be, as it can get in the way of him landing on his own two feet and finding out that he can stand on his own, even if he has to take a few falls to realise it!
You have let him go, in a way, but not in the sense of abandonment. You are letting him go so that he can learn that he can do this without needing the safety net and that choices in life bring consequences, good and bad.
Think of it as just another stage of growing up. You had plenty of times earlier where you let him have more and more freedom and responsibility; this is the same thing. Now you are giving him the opportunity to be an adult in the fullest sense of the word.
What lovely advice thanks very much for that
I think you are still holding on to those feelings you had when the conflict happened and just keep re-feeling them again. Perhaps you don't know how to let those feelings go, or at least what to do when they come to the surface. Its okay to cry for a time, but not okay to dwell on them so long it affects you so adversely. Over time the crying and dwelling should be less as you figure out ways to move beyond this temporary funk.Quote:
Originally Posted by Peedles
How long have you been in counselling for this? I cannot imagine you have not been given tools to deal with your feelings, so my question is do you use them? Have you established and put into practice a routine for dealing with these feelings? The worst thing you can do is feed self pity and wallow in it as a form of punishment for some perceived failure on your part.
In that case you need to learn to forgive yourself for NOT being able to fix this conflict so you can move beyond it. I have seen much suffering when we cannot forgive ourselves, and quit trying to come up with a fix for our conflicts. I perfectly understand not wanting to give up, but the problem in this case you are NOT even remotely responsible for your son's happiness, or saving him from tough responsibility of his own actions.
I venture this would be much easier on you if he would give you a regular progress report on his happiness (which is probably all you want from him in the first place) because I think what you seek is the reassurance he is okay, rather than just have faith that he is. Yes mom, he has survived this trauma without you, so it is time to accept it and stop making this such a big deal.
He probably wasn't as traumatized as YOU were. Write him a long letter and get it all out, put it away for a while, and go back and read it and then burn it. Do this every time you get that sad wobble and feel bad for your son. Keeping a journal of your feelings for examination later at a less emotional time may help you, or get your meds adjusted. OR BOTH. It's a process, finding the right balance, and there are no quick fixes just resolutions to be adjusted as needed.
For some the PROCESS is longer than for others, but it does get better with time. You cannot rush your own healing. Or ignore your own limits. But you are correct in that you have no other options but get control of YOURSELF. For sure you won't get your way.
Thanks for those lovely words also
Oh and only has one counselling session another one next week
Not a good night last night. My youngest son said he had seen Luke and he is really struggling for money for rent and food. Luke told him not to tell me but he did. This really upset me and I wanted to go out today and buy him some food. My husband said no I wasn't to do that he has been told we want him to be in our family and the door is open when he is ready to change. By doing that I would be giving the wrong message. It is so hard! Is he right?
Even worse day to day so worried apparently he has about reached his overdraft limit. I am worried out if my mind?
Keep in mind that he was living on his own abroad. What did he do to cover his expenses at that time? What was he doing while living abroad? If he was able to do so then, he can do so now. Do you know if he is working? Even at a take away, he can earn some money.
Yes. Your husband is right. You cannot enable your son. Most people at his age have families and stable jobs. Your son does not. It is time he learns to take care of himself, and for us parents, sometimes that is hard.
Mom, is there a chance he is addicted to drugs or alcohol?
This is a tough time of year for many parents. The holidays are among us and we don't want our children to be alone. However, this is the path your son has chosen. Just as when he was a child, and you were teaching home some of life's lessons, so is the same now. There are consequences to his choices. To properly learn that lesson, he must live with the consequence to this choice. He chose to disrespect you. He has been given the opportunity to return home should he follow the rules, but he chose not to.
Stand your ground and let him learn this lesson. You might talk to your counselor this week and tell him/her you need more frequent sessions to get through this.
We all have done that and survived. Stop feeding your worries mom, as he will eventually figure it out. I think you just like to worry and fuss over your kids, especially this one, and have done it so long that you find it difficult not too. I get that, but at some point you have to get control of yourself, and RESPECT his right to try, fail, and regroup.Quote:
Even worse day to day so worried apparently he has about reached his overdraft limit. I am worried out if my mind?
Yes he has some promo work about 3/4 days each week but the employment situation in our area is not good. I just find it do hard. He did have a drug problem about 5 years ago but we got him sorted out not on drugs now for sure. I am a worrier I know but find it so hard not to worry about him and his future. Maybe if he had a more regular job and was in a relationship it might be easier. Thanks again for your words I do get strength from them
I find it interesting you do not TRUST, and RELY on your husbands ACTIONS? For now that would be such an easy thing to do to follow his lead until you can work to be more OBJECTIVE, just because you KNOW you need to.
You must be patient with the process, and I realize how difficult that is. It will get better eventually though it doesn't seem like it now. For now when the worry about your son rises, physically get up and do something good for yourself, or your husband, or focus on a simple task until its completed. In this way you will drain the worry energy and make it productive energy. It's a way to hug YOURSELF and feel a bit better.
Practice that and then you will act on things you CAN control (YOU), and not dwell on the things you CANNOT control (YOUR SON). I am sure as you get more sessions in with your counsellor/therapist, these are the tools of Good Orderly Direction you will be guided too.
Feed the positive, starve the negative.
Peedles... I may have missed it, but do you work outside the home? If not, would that be something that you might consider, even part-time? Or perhaps volunteer work? Do you have friends that you visit or do things with? Any sort of activities that you enjoy? Something new that you have always wanted to learn to do?
What I am getting at is that having other things to occupy your time and thoughts with may be helpful. Focusing more on you and things that you like to do, or plan something fun to do with your husband, will be a benefit. Start having regular dates for example. You can each take turns planning something to do, even just going for walk, or visiting another town near by for the day.
Now, as your children are getting more independent, is the time to start focusing more on you and on your relationship with your husband.
Your children will benefit from seeing you being engaged in outside activities, enjoying life, and keeping your mind and body active. It is a great life lesson for them to see.
I see the OP walking around the house, wringing her hands and working herself into a lather over this adult. This is not a good psychological profile to even consider. OP doesn't seem to be moving forward to a better mindset in spite of all of the 'bolstering' she is getting here. We are her crutch so to speak and she is leaning too much on it and not looking ahead to focusing on anyone else, or anything else in her future. There are a lot of moms here, I am one too, we all worry about our kids but, you and I have other day to day activities and full time jobs to take us away from any worry, for the time being, and to say the least turn our minds to other things for the next day and the next.
Doula is right in suggesting something outside the home to occupy her mind; a distraction does wonders to promote a healthy outlook, which she does not have, as far as I can see therefore her son is taking up ALL of her thoughts, and I know from what she has posted that he does have problems, but he is an adult nonethless.
The OP does work and has friends and is seeing a therapist. She is just early in the process, and is reaching out for hugs and support.
Quote:
I have seen doc am on anti depressants also having counselling. I have always been there for all my children and just feel I am letting him down not being there for him even though I know it's the right thing to do. Made even worse by the fact the Christmas is fast approaching. But that said I don't feel I have any other option.
Some do take longer than others to get to that better place, and indeed the process may take years, and there are no quick fixes,or instant feel good successes.Quote:
I can't bear to talk about Christmas as the moment. I just don't sang him to feel alone or a afraid I'm rubbish aren't I ?
Am 58 work in a beautiful clothes shop. Friends good and other family supportive. The fact that he may not be there for Christmas us not a problem as he wasn't when he was abroad but worry about him feeling sad and unhappy
It's easier said than done, FOR SURE. Thats the problem with long posts though, much can be lost and forgotten. :)
Please don't leave me
No worries :)
Thank you - am back to see the therapist this evening. I really need this help right now please continue with this much needed and appreciated help.
Oh and yes as posted I do work and do other things but this worry is always with me.
Went to see the therapist last night and she says their policy is to always leave communication lines open. Not sure if we have done that? We sent him an e mail last week to say the door is open if fe wants to come and talk to us and make some changes but we are not in contact other than that. His dad did meet up with him also 3 weeks ago but he said he wouldn't change. Oh dear your thoughts would be appreciated?
You can not control his communication, All you can do, is allow him to email you or message you, as long as those communications are not being done, merely to harm you. I may disagree with the therapist to a point, if the one party is trying to control or use fear to gain advantage, communication has to end, until the other person is willing to be honest in communication.
A few weeks without communication is really nothing, the idea is, to allow communication, if and when he is ready. That may take a month, or it may take 6 months, only time will tell that.
I set the belongings of my son, in bags on the porch of my home once time, He had a drug issue and was not working, and bring people with weapons into my home. He did not talk to me for almost 9 months. He lived in his car for about 3 and with friends other times.
Later, he found there was no free ride and even friends would not pay his way for long.
He decided to do better. And proved it on his own before, I helped, I would not merely take his word, but wanted to see actions.
Then, I still did not let him back into my home, but I help pay for a small one room apartment to let him get established on his own.
He went back and got his GED, and started working. He now drives for one of the delivery companies and has a good job.
You have to be tough, and know that he has to suffer some, to really want to change, now, he will be trying to use you and get too you. Only after he comes to understand, he is wrong, will real change happen
Oh, heavens. What can we say that we have not already said?Quote:
Originally Posted by Peedles
About keeping lines of communication open. You have this lines open, your son chooses not to communicate. Your son said he wouldn't change. Than he won't change. At least not until he hits rock bottom.
Peedles, I'm not sure what you expect from us, but our advice is now becoming repetitious. None of our advice has changed, nor will it. I have said it before, and this is the last time I will say it. It is time you cut the umbilical cord. He is a big boy mom, he can take care of himself. He has no one to blame if he falls flat on his face except for himself.
As an FYI, I have been in a similar position with my 27 year old son. We now have a wonderful relationship and he says it is because his father and I gave him no choice but to face the consequences to his actions.
Peedles, if you continue down this path you are going to ruin the holidays for your other 2 children. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps and get off the pity pot.
You think or feel he is going to change greatly, very quickly, you need to be ready for weeks and maybe months of almost no contact.
You sent the email, and let it go, just wait now, till he is ready,
Thanks
I went almost a year with no contact from my son who is now 27. I had a choice.. Wallow in self pity or put on my big girl panties and give attention to my other 3 children. Guess what I chose?
Peedles, your son may be on a self-destructive path, but so are you. You can't spend all of your energy just on this one son. Sometimes it's just best to let go, no matter how hard it is. There are others in your family who need you. If you continue this pity party you may find yourself alone with no husband and no contact from your children. Most people don't want to be with negative people.
I know you can find it in yourself to be strong. You have a backbone, you just need to find it.
If you are not on medication, it might get time to consider it. If you are, it might be time to talk to your prescriber about changing it.
Lastly, I for one, will no longer respond to your negativity. When you have something positive to post, please do so and I will respond accordingly. I would rather reward positive behavior than perpetuate negative behavior.
Peedles, let him learn to big boy. If he falls down he will be the resposible because he is not a kid anymore. I hope you have gotten your advice, and you'll not get any negativity in your mind. Be brave and let him learn for his good only.
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