 |
Well we all hope our adult kids might do something differently, but the fact is, she is an adult and if she feels comfortable enough to go to his apartment for a meal that is her choice to make. She knows him better than you too do and that is how is should be and is anyway.
Welcome to the world of being a parent to adult kids. All you can do is let go and let God.
I think your husband is still missing the point that she is an adult. She's going over for dinner. She's not moving in. ask her to be home or call you by a certain time if you're really that concerned. Maybe he can pick her up from your house so you can meet him and talk to him first.
She does not need to do any of those things, she's grown! She could maybe call when she is on her way home.
Have you guys met the young man? The problem you're having is yours not hers, don't make it hers.
You and hubby go out to dinner and enjoy yourself, or I might suggest talking to other parents of adult kids.
I just wanted to point something out.Quote:
Originally Posted by schnauzerlady
You don't LET or ALLOW her to do anything.
You don't have that say. She is an adult. Do a favor for her and yourself, stop trying to have that kind of say over things.
When she asks your opinion, and presses for answers, the best thing for you to say is
1) if you're concerned: "As a mother, I'm always worried about you, but I know I raised you right and I trust you'll be just fine"
Anything else tell her that you aren't the one making any decisions, if she wants to know what you think, make her tell you what she REALLY thinks before you even express an opinion. When you show her that you worry about everything, she thinks you don't trust her, so she wants you to approve. I'm getting the vibe that she gives you all of the details because she wants your approval. Thus she doesn't really try to think for herself. You need to tell her to stop depending on you, and you need to quit enabling her to behave like a child. She needs to make these decisions on her own, which means it's your job as a parent to know when it's time.
Sometimes the right thing to do is the hardest thing to do, but everything will be fine.
Nobody is telling you to stop loving your daughter, and we all know that it's very hard not to worry.
The hardest part is to stop showing constant anxiety over her. And make sure that she knows; no matter what happens you love her. Eventually she WILL learn the right things to do. She will gain more confidence in her decision making and, and you will worry less and less. It'll be hard for you to watch, but you need to.
You can do it. :)
Let her grow up. She is not at a healthy level of dependence for a 21-year-old woman.
You tell her to have a lovely time and to call if she'll be later than expected so you don't worry too much. If you worry anyway, sorry - that's on you! She still gets to have a life and you don't get to guilt her about it.
Consider that if she were away at college, you'd have no idea where she was, who she was with, how late, what she was doing. That's appropriate - she's an adult and just as your intimate life is none of her business, hers is not your business, either.
At this point she knows your values and clearly she told you where she's going and who with - she's not trying to sneak around or anything. She works full time and goes to college? This is not a girl you need to worry too much about. Trust her to have good judgement about herself, and the men she chooses to date.
A few posts back the OP mentioned that the daughter was reading the posts here. I wonder, does she have an interest in this anxiety? Is it HER that has second thoughts about going over to this guy's place?
Or is she sitting there next to you, saying "See? They all want you to let me go"?
If I were the guy, then I would be the one having the second thoughts. What guy wants to go out with a girl so immature? And one who would most definitely share all of the events of the night, with her mother and HER husband.
No thanks.
God bless you and your family.
You can't keep her in a bubble her entire life. I'm sure that's not what you want for her. Is it?
We all make mistakes, we all date less then savory people, we all have to live and learn, otherwise we never move forward, we're just stuck.
She's an adult, a young adult, but an adult none the less. By the time I was her age I'd already been dating my husband for 2 years. Yes, we're still together, celebrating 15 years of marriage this Thursday, been together 20 years.
She's dated some bad eggs, but that doesn't mean every guy is cut from the same cloth. Give this guy a chance. Give your daughter a chance. Cut the apron strings.
Yes it's hard to let go, that's why it's the right thing to do. Nothing worthwhile is easy.
Let her grow up. Be there for her if things go wrong, but stop trying to protect her to the point where you're smothering her, otherwise she'll never grow up.
I find it interesting that as the OP's posts and information come to light, the daughter now has a disability, but has not answered as to how the disability affects her functioning.
Is it just beefing up the case to need to hang on? Or are there some limitations.
OP are you listening? Are there any problems from what you have described, that could keep this girl from being independent?
I understand the need to want to protect her, especially since she has had one bad experience, but you can't do that. It is not fair to her.
She has overcome so much and you guys want to hold her back keep her from falling, but what that does is stunt her growth.
Talk to some other parents of adult kids, see how they handle things.
I have to confess the fact that I overlooked the impairment post. I didn't mean to be ugly. This makes a little more sense now.
Next time, give us the whole story first. Still, she needs to stand on her own two feet socially.
Quote:
Originally Posted by jmjoseph
Even if you didn't overlook it, the answers would probably still be quite similar. Hovering over people who are impared in some ways can sometimes be worse than hoving over a person who is not, no matter how good the intentions are. I know, I have an 18-year-old brother with Aspergers who isn't going to graduate high school because he felt smothered and stopped working entirely. Everyone [teachers and aids] hovered over him and did everything for him at school. By the time he wanted to do things on his own, he didn't know how.
Sounds like she's doing well even with a disability.Quote:
works fulltime, goes to college part time
Have you ever had him over for dinner at YOUR house? Maybe the time has come for that.
I'm skeptical of this suggestion for one reason: the parents. They could make him run for the hills (unintentionally) because of how over-protective they are.Quote:
Originally Posted by Wondergirl
If they act normal, don't say odd things and don't ask nosy questions I can see this working.
He has to know how overprotective they are. I'm sure this isn't something new, something that just came up.Quote:
Originally Posted by ohsohappy
I think it speaks volumes for him that he's sticking around even with all the interference.
I do agree that it could go badly, especially in light of how protective the parents are. If they do invite him over, interrogate him, and he sticks around, well that's a big plus for him. I don't think he should have to go through that though.
I just can't imagine holding back my 21 year old adult child from experiencing life. I would hope that by that time I've raised my children well enough to let them go out into the world. Will bad things happen? Probably, that's life. As a parent you can only go so far, protect them so much. Sooner or later you have to hope that you did the best you could do and that they're smart enough to make the right decisions, or learn from their mistakes.
I know. I'll defintely give him props if he doesn't run for cover. (BTW, interrogate was the perfect word, I couldn't think of one)Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
I kind of want to protect him. :p
But he's a big boy, he'll be fine. :)
The mom did mention that her daughter was impaired somehow. Plus, the daughter has gotten herself into several pickles. I'm not one for overprotecting, but I'm somewhat with the mom on this one. I think there is some kind of middle ground so she doesn't scare away the guy (if he's a keeper), yet will allow her daughter to become increasingly more independent and make her own decisions.Quote:
Originally Posted by Altenweg
No; I was asked of victims, etc and I just put on that she had a learning disability... the only thing keeping her from moving out is financial, we are working on that she is paying off credit cards and saving money to prepare for her apt. which will not be immediately but it's a goal for us both to get use to.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
We are not as bad as you make us out to be, we have been with this young man twice, once at a party and the four of us had fun, and once when he picked her up for a date. We do not want to spend more time with him, short sections of time are good, I want my dd to get to know him first.Quote:
Originally Posted by ohsohappy
Thank you, I really like your suggestions.Quote:
Originally Posted by ohsohappy
Sorry guys, but we don't interrogate!!Quote:
Originally Posted by ohsohappy
I must thank you for your posts some where very helpful where others came across very rude; this has been a very hard time for me especially, dd has never given me any grief we have always talked things out and worked things out, normal relationship maybe not, friends yes, we have gone through having my son live on the streets and almost dying of an od, he is a success story now and helping others to come clean.
So pain is no stranger to my heart; but a medaling mother no I am not, my daughter and I talk and we voice our opinions.
We had a family meeting last night and I took when spoke to my heart from this blog and shared it with my dd and dh. We shared our concerns with her about this event and told her she would need to decide what was best, we were not going to forbid her to go, as some other fathers we spoke to suggested.
We also shared how we want to incourage her independence and asked what she needed from us.
For us to let go more, she would need to be more responsible around the house and not expect us to pick up after her, etc...
So again thank you, I definitely am learning to do more listening; dd and I went out shopping late last night and I did bite my togue a lot, it will be a step by step process.
Some of you definitely need to work on your bedside manner, some of you seem to be spiritual but where is your love for others try putting yourself in their hearts position and feel their pain, not just book knowledge.
The quality and quantity of answers will depend upon the information you provide in your question.
Until you posted as to the issue of a disability, none of us were aware if this was perhaps part of the problem in allowing for more independence. To know to what degree she was disabled, would change the picture, and the answers from members.
You say that the only issue now, is financial. Fair enough. But that was not the impression from what you wrote.
To me, I think the fact that we have drawn out some important issues and impressions, means that collectively, our answers have helped, even a little bit, in helping you move in the direction of her independence, as well as helped you in realizing that it is far more important to allow her to live her own life, and to back off a bit from being so involved in the decisions she makes.
I know it isn't easy, and obviously what you have gone through with your son is history you don't want to repeat in any way, with your daughter. It is wonderful that he turned his life around and is helping others.
Congrats on the progress with the family meeting.
Getting it all out on the table and discussing all points of view will only lead to good outcomes.
Best of luck.
If you felt any of us were being rude, I do apologize. I can only speak for myself, but I don't believe in sugar coating things. I call it as I see it, and I based my answers on what you wrote and the fact that I'm also a mom.
My kids aren't adults yet, but already they're very independent for their ages. I love them, but I'm not their friend, never will be. I'm their mom, that's the role I play in their lives. I'm there to comfort, to advise, to teach, to love unconditionally, to be there when they need help, to help them grow up to become mature responsible people. Being a buddy to them would take away the role of mother, and I think that may be part of what's going on with you and your daughter.
In the end, it's up to you to choose which advice you will follow and which advice you won't. I can only wish you and your daughter the best and hope that you can both become more independent of each other.
Good luck.
I was coming at this from the perspective of a mother with a adult son who is high-functioning autistic. He lives with us and is a contributing member of the family. He works at a real job, does many chores both inside and outside our house, has learned to handle his checking account and credit cards responsibly, and is being groomed to take over this house once we are out of it. He will never drive a car (but everything he needs is within easy walking distance), and he may never marry, but I am doing my utmost to make sure he will be independent and be able to survive on his own someday. That's all that most parents want to do for their kids -- teach them how to survive in this world, to have good judgment, to not fall for every scheme presented, how to protect their privacy.
I'm glad I can help a bit. If I came off as a bit rude in some of my other posts I do apologize. I have a brother with Aspergers, so I know how hard it can be to just let someone alone that you care about. I'm the oldest and I've had to back off a TON.Quote:
Originally Posted by schnauzerlady
What is the impairment?
From a previous post,
"she was born with a disability of being perceptionally impaired so a slow learner"
This falls into a category of a learning disorder of some type.
OP did not provide any details as to what impairment, or type of disability her daughter has, other than 'slow learner'.
Thanks for the info Jake - I guess my advice would stand but perhaps the parents might ask to meet the guy, invite him to dinner and make a concerted effort to be supportive - in that way they are more apt to be able to have a positive influence on the couple.
It really does help to read the thread: "we have been with this young man twice, once at a party and the four of us had fun, and once when he picked her up for a date. We do not want to spend more time with him, [but] short sections of time are good, I want my dd to get to know him first."Quote:
Originally Posted by dontknownuthin
I spoke as the mother of an adult daughter, so I know how hard it is to bite your tongue, I do it quite often. That is what you do as the mother of an adult. Although there will be times when you need to say something.
We all gave answers based on the information given and a lot of it was changed as more info was given, that is really the all we can do.
It did inspire dialogue and so in that respect I think or at least hope we did pretty good.
I wish you well.
I agree with this. When you post something like this, and then right in the middle of it, someone is "challenged" somehow... it changes the previous answers. They cannot THEN be labeled as "rude", or "uncaring". When stories "morph" into something unfortunate, it changes things.Quote:
Originally Posted by Homegirl 50
The advice was given based on the original thread.
And questioning someone's Christianity because you were not completely open from the beginning is unnecessary.
We are not paid here. The advice was free.
It's not the "bedside manner" that needs improvement. It the disclosure and honesty, that needs work.
Good luck. That's all you'll get from me.
Thank you all for your posts, they have been helpful, it has been a very emotional time. Sorry if I offended anyone with my honesty.
Thank you all again.
I should share, that I and my husband have moved from advising to sharing our concern and leaving decisions up to dd. She actually was shocked and when I state no I can't do that for you, you're 21, it did take her back a little, but with a laugh, we are know moving forward and treating each other with mutal respect... I did need to hear all these comments even though I didn't want to. Thank you and God Bless.
Same here. Glad it's starting. Good luck to you all.Quote:
Originally Posted by schnauzerlady
Sometimes the best advice is the advice we don't want to hear. It's hard, and it comes as a slap in the face, but that just shows that we are in denial.
I am the mother of 2 grown sons and a teen daughter.
One of my sons wanted to marry prior to leaving for Iraq. The rest of the family did not really care for the gal he wanted to marry, but he was grown. We could not make that choice for him, he has to learn on his own, and we have to trust that we taught them well. Fast forward, it's been a year now. He's been to Iraq and returned. In that year we have learned just how much this gal loves our son and what a beautiful couple they are together.
You see, while we know our children, they know their likes and dislikes much better than we do. We have to let them make their choices and support whatever decision they make, no matter what we as parents believe.
It's hard to let them go, it's hard to bite your tongue. But in the long run you will have a much better relationship with your daughter if you let her think for herself.
I think you are on the right road and I wish you continued success.
Good for you. I'm glad that changes are being made, it's all for her best interest, and yours too.Quote:
Originally Posted by schnauzerlady
I wish you the best of luck.
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:24 AM. |