Ask Me Help Desk - My daughter is extremely vulgar towards me

I completely understand where you are coming from with not wanting it in your home. But I sincerely believe that removing her from the home is giving her exactly what she wants. Your mother seems to think that it is okay for her to spoil your daughter. You really should take her home. Leaving her with your mother could cause a rift between you and your daughter that could be near impossible to repair. He behavior is definitely atrocious, but like I said, she needs to be with you. Although you feel like you are at the end of your rope, you are her mother, don't take the easy way out. She could take that so many ways. I tell you this because I knew kids who's parents just sent them away because they felt overwhelmed, and the kids got a LOT worse. I really wish you the best of luck. I know it's not easy for you at all.

I am hopeful that I made myself clear to my mother and she is not undermining. It is difficult for my mother because she feels caught in the middle and would prefer not to be there we have put her in this situation. I want my mother to maintain a relationship with my daughter she is all the family my daughter has left.

I thought some quality time with another adult would be best.

Well at least she's being understanding.

I have been told it is the prerogative and privilege of a grandparent to spol their grandchildren, but I think my mother gets it, right now... yesterday the spent the day at a movie an just talking. I am hoping this time will be somewhat benficial for all. What my daughter needs right now is to be supervised and her grandmother is able to provide that and safety.

Maybe you can start going on outings along with them and gradually spending more time together. Your daughter could be more willing to warm up to you and be more curtious.

For now; I will hava a wait and see attitude. We may be going to Marco Island here in Florida this weekend, not sure yet. Friends of mine are coming in from the North, that could be a good monotony breaker. She also has a rebel for a teen.

I was trying to make you understand that, there is something which you should look from a teens view.

Ohsohappy explained it well.

My cousin when 14 started stealing things from home and very rude to his parents. My father instead of accusing him, started with saying that I know that how are you feeling, I too did the same mistake in my childhood and narrated him a story (imaginary) of his childhood.

My cousin broke down and accepted that he had stolen things because he want to harsh his parents who are not taking care of him. Just keep on blaming him.

You are doing the same. I said earlier it is necessary to be strict, but she is already miserable.

She need that you understand her. Love can do miracles.

Its my own experience. I was also angry to my parents. But the moment they said sorry for not understanding me, I broke down.

Take leave and go in a vacation with her. If she don't want to go, forcefully take her. Tell her how you felt, when first time you saw her. Every little moment of her childhood you remember.

Of course don't give freedom of doing anything. She must obey you but she must know how much she mean to you.

Thanks - I have tried this cuddle me tender approach and it did nothing but blow up at me as she then mistook my kindness for weakness. She already knows how much she means to me, the more she tells me she hates me the more I telll her I love her and want her to get the help she so needs and deserves to become the person she was meant to be. I have mentioned to her in the past of some of my own personal teen years, however; I never direspected my parents nor had this level of defiance. I stayed out past curfew, I dated boys they were probably not excited about, I wore clothes that they considered less then appropriate attire and so on... This is a control issue at this point, like playing tug of war. I may be considering a trip over this weekend, not sure yet. Perhaps Labor day weekend might be more feasible, if this weekends plans don't pan out.

Most feel it is time for tough love... My daughter cannot love anyone else until she starts feeling better about herself.

I can understand your feeling because I am also a mother.

Although my daughter is 2 year old but when she won't obey me even I get strict with her.

But I can understand your daughter because I have gone through the same in my teen age.

I use to feel that my parents love me but won't understand and support me. So she might be feeling that you won't understand and support her.

You people need a mediator, whom she must feel unbiased. May be any of her friend, person whom she like. Don't start with accusing her.

I know you are tired and sick of it all. But she is your daughter, you can't give up.

She has never been accused. My daughter has not committed a crime "yet". But the commandments are clear "respect thy mother and father" words to live by. My roof my rules. I have not asked my daughter to pressure clean the roof as yet. There is no corporal cruelty in my home. I am actually considered by her friends "cool". All of whom like and respect me, with the exception of my own daughter. I too was a teen, however I did not spin out of control. We had something called "boundaries". My daughter needs to learn and know her place, or she will be nothing more then a detriment to herself and perhaps the society. I assure you she will straighten up and fly right, it is my life's ambition, she won't become just another number.

I am not saying, you are accusing her of crime. Of course your roof your rules. She must be disciplined.

I am just saying the starting approach. When beginning is perfect the work is half done.

Anyway, everybody have there own approach. I am concern more about how a teenage feels.

As a parent we always complain our kids that you will understand our decision when you will become parent. But, my question is, we already go through there age, do we understand them?

I have a big family. Usually face this type of problem. Always, there is one conclusion, parents and kids misunderstood each other.

Now a day, Kids even in India won't obey until they are convinced by reasoning. Anyway I think I am unable to convince you of my approach.

Wish you all the best.

On another note; do you practice Yoga?

Yes I do, But why?

Just curious, I have asked my daughter on numerous occasions to join me but she refuses. It is a wonderful way to develop and increase spiritualty and get centered.

"Dhayan" is the best act of Yoga.

I don't know what you say it in English but, it is actually sitting silently and concentrating your energy, thoughts and soul in between eyebrows, It is asumed in Indian vedas that soul resides there.

I am in my early 20's now and practicing it since I was 12 year old.

When you feel every thing is negative or not right. Sit silently and practice dhayan facing East.

First you will feel as things are going on in your memory like a motion picture.

But try to push negative thoughts away from your memory as you push Bad guys away.

Your positive energy will come in and you will feel a light covering your surrounding.

Body will feel lighter as if, it conquered the Gravitational Force and flowing in the space.

You will feel light hearted. And I am sure you will find a way to come out of your problem.

Since you already practice yoga, it will be easy for you.

I always do it when I got angry. Anger, restlessness etc can never give mind the right answer.

Instead a cool, calm and mind full of positive energy will give the correct answer to every problem.

Believe me I did that. Although I am young to say all these, But I have seen many ups and downs in this little age. Life had taught me lessens very well.

I am a strong believer of "Every thing Happens for Good".

Life is not like a movie where there is a written happy ending. Instead life is a sum of so many movies Where we have to give it a happy ending.

Thank you for your wise advise... yogi

Well thanks, I think nothing more I can help.

Life is like a spider web of relations. We create it, we break it.

Well something you can do is beat the f--kout of her and tell her you wish she would call 241 kids and that you will call for her but she's not going to disrespect you no more not in the place you pay bills she can get her sh-t and leave and go stay wit granny cause you isn't on it no more

"never fight violence with violence, it only leads to more violence".

You send your daughter to her grandparent, Right?

You told she will get back when she will learn to behave, right?

You also told that your mother undermine you and support her, correct?

Now will you please tell me, How is she going to learn to behave well, after living with the person supporting her?

Instead she won, because she no need to follow you rules anymore or tolerate or bear you any more in her language.

She got what she wanted and you lost by a 15 year old girl.

She will be returning home on Friday morning. There was no undermining, just a brief hiatus and decompression of temprements. Rules and requirements for returning home have been put in placed and agreed upon. Therapy will be researched a bit further and we will take it from there.

My mother was placed in a position she would have preferred not to be in. However; we have communicated on the progress of the stay and I don't feel based on what I have heard there was any degree of undermining.

I think a good old fashioned OTK spanking is what she needs...

Been there done that.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dipti jain

"Dhayan" is the best act of Yoga.

I don't know what you say it in English but, it is actually sitting silently and concentrating your energy, thoughts and soul in between eyebrows, It is asumed in Indian vedas that soul resides there.

You will feel light hearted. And i am sure you will find a way to come out of your problem.

I think what you are referring to, we call meditation. I could be wrong.

They call it in Yoga the 3rd eye. I will need to sit for a long long time.

Hahah that's a silly name for it. :) Anyway, I should try that too. It sounds very relaxing. :) the only issue would be finding uninterrupted time. My younger brother likes to burst into my room at random times to annoy me. I need to get a lock on my door. Haha

I need a lock to... or a separate home. I am going to my Yoga class tonight and really can't wait. I missed last week due to an injury.

AHHH Solace and Serenity.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sooo Confused

I think a good old fashioned OTK spanking is what she needs....

My daughter by the way weighs twice what I weigh + anger...

You must be a very small woman.

Quote:

Originally Posted by what 2 do

They call it in Yoga the 3rd eye. i will need to sit for a long long time.

Well, it won't take long time, for me it worked just with 15 minutes in a day, anytime, anywhere, when you are in a mood to relax. But there must me something you should concentrate at. That can be name of the God.

Repeat in you mind again and again without whispering, I mean say only in mind.

The best time to do it for you people is before going to bed.

If you will do it before going to bed, then within few day you get used to of it and the result will reflect in your sleep, means fulfilling sleep in less hours. I need just 6 hrs a day and fell fresh the day round.

I live in a joint family, my husband's grandmother, father, mother, His brother in law's family of 4 members and my family. Although I am a well qualified professional who cleared India' s one of the toughest exams in Finance, at the young age but still a housewife to take care of my family. It is a typical Indian Joint family as you watch in TV.

So you can guess how much tension, I have to face everyday. One can not just walk away saying what do you know about it. Instead you have to face because everybody faces so. Think you only have your daughter to tackle with. I quit my lavish career just for my family's sake still facing problems everyday.

So just don't get frustrated but face it with intelligence and patience.

It is great that you have found a way to relax.

That ,however is not going to change your daughters attitude.

You may be better able to cope but the bottom line is you can't make a difference by going into a state of peace.

You need to be pro active and address the issues that will inevitably be there.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

Hahah that's a silly name for it. :) Anyway, I should try that too. it sounds very relaxing. :) the only issue would be finding uninterrupted time. My younger brother likes to burst into my room at random times to annoy me. I need to get a lock on my door. haha

This is the charm of meditation. Let anybody do anything by your side but you should concentrate on your work. Initially you need silence but in few days you can do it anywhere. Even in crowd.

Did ever happen to you, that someone is saying something and you overheard it, because you concentration is diverted to something else. The same is here.

Quote:

Originally Posted by artlady

It is great that you have found a way to relax.

That ,however is not going to change your daughters attitude.

You are correct.

But getting the way out of it can be given by a peaceful mind only.

And not by a frustrated angry mind. Instead it will make the things worse

Its an old saying, " just calm down and think".

Indeed in comparison to others

Daughter is hurting you by hurting herself.
Why?
Did you remove her from dad and fer friends. This is often a case.
She needs her dad.. . or grandpa, other family member.

Quote:

Originally Posted by amexpo

daughter is hurting you by hurting herself.
Why?
Did you remove her from dad and fer friends. This is often a case.
She needs her dad. ...or grandpa, other family member.

If you had read the posts before, You'd know that those options aren't available.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ohsohappy

If you had read the posts before, You'd know that those options aren't available.

You have to look somewhere else for help.
I can't find earlier posts.
My daughter wasted 8 years trying to recover after she hurt herself to make her mom suffer.

Her mom removed her 17 years ago from one place with some discipline and authority.
It was to prove that they love each other the most.
She is divorced now, and she won't have good marriage for the next few years.
There is a hope...

Quote:

Originally Posted by amexpo

You have to look somewhere else for help.
I can't find earlier posts.
My daughter wasted 8 years trying to recover after she hurt herself to make her mom suffer.

Her mom removed her 17 years ago from one place with some discipline and authority.
It was to prove that they love each other the most.
She is divorced now, and she won't have good marriage for the next few years.
There is a hope...

I was talking about her father not being able to be in the picture, he wasn't "removed" On the second page of this thread, What2do said "Always - I have been a single parent all of my daughter's life - my husband passed when she was very young." And also stated that they had almost no family because most of them are diseased

So as far as a father or grandfather being in the picture, those options are not ones either of them has.
Her daughter only as mom and grandma, basically.

I started thinking what's wrong with me [not with her].
Mom and grandma are not enough for 12-18 year old girl.
Do you want her to have happy family life with husband and kids under one roof?
I didn't help her immediately, but my approach changed environment and slowly things turned around.
I didn't do anything different, just let them know my thoughts.

Ask yourself if you ever would allow her father to be closer to her [on father's terms, not yours]?
It's the first step. Would you lose the face? Is it going to indicate your fault, or whatever?
You have your daughter's future in your hands [probably] and it's only few months left to change.

Friend of my destroyed kids future to prove that they did not want their father.
She manipulated kids and him and now she blames everything on him, of course.
He was bad, because he didn't do what "was best for kids".
She is lying to herself to feel better, but deeply in her heart she knows it's 50% of the truth.
I see it as her revenge, she wanted to punish her husband.
It was a big success, where kids were the tools in her hands [and victims].