Yes Bushg... I think that's a yes...
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Yes Bushg... I think that's a yes...
Just a thought here. You say your husband is concerned about his public image. How does he feel about the guys knowing that you don't sleep together? Or that his teenage daughter is ? Maybe you should also put on nice (not provocative) night gown on and start sleeping with your husband. I wonder if your step daughter would still want to be in there with you there. My children are so embarrassed if my husband and I are the least bit affectionate to each other so maybe she will be totally grossed out by the thought of you two together. I still agree with the others that she is overly sexualized for her age and needs help. She is a victim but you can't allow her to take more victims with her. I hope that Friday goes well. How about a church program for teens? Are you all involved in any church they may have teens that could be a better example to her?
I think that's the problem... whenever she notices my husband and I becoming affectionate she turns on the charm. If I'm even within ear sight, she'll run over to him and wrap her arms around his waist and put her head on his chest... walking with him while he's walking, or if he's sitting, throwing her legs across his... just goofy. If my husband slaps me on the butt or kisses my head she'll go over and say, "daddy, can we go outside, it's a nice day" if my husband has his arm around me on the left, she'll run over to his right. Trust me she doesn't want me affectionate towards him or vice versa.
**he'll tell people I am a light sleeper and I am unable to function during the day if I don't get a good night's sleep, therefore I sleep in the guest room... see how the problem reverts back to me.
My husband just informed me he called the sister from an outing he was at with her group ...ohhh, okay, so a nun that you pulled the charm on and "yes ma'amed" and "god bless you ma'amed" I'm suppose to believe is going to understand this. You have to know this man, he is completely opposite in public than he is at home ...he has to be, that is what he's paid for. I came in yesterday to hear him screaming terrible obscenities at least 4-5 in a row because my 4 year old thru the teddy bear up in the air and it hit the ceiling fan 11 feet high ... it didn't cause any damage, it's just his normal response to things ...but the sister sees him in a different light. I'll give him credit for calling, however I think it's in hopes this (52 year old) sister will side with him. I'll pray she can see right thru him ...
Seriously, I don't think he and I are going to last, it's just not healthy the things around my boys and me, and it took this site and my letting it out to realize this. Nonetheless, I was hoping he could see others opinion's rather than my own or my family and friends... he tries to make them and me all who are mostly successful people, sound like we have no idea what we are talking about.
Thanks again for your input Lacey
Again, the appointment with the psychologist is next Friday... seems like a long time, but hopefully in the two hour session she is going to allow we can shed some professional light on all this. Looks like I'll be going myself however.
My 16 year old is a boy... who thinks the 12 year old is a little too flirtatious and around he and his friends... but otherwise doesn't say a whole lot about the situation.
" I discipline my boys and they respect my decision and my 16 yr old is very well behaved", she just sasses. " it's just not healthy the things around my boys and me" from these two statement I am trying to understand the gender of the 16 year old.
Is she over friendly to him? Sorry u answered wjhile I was typing. Sometimes it takes outsiders to be able to see things as they are, sometimes being to close to a situation and loving people clouds our judgements. The thing now is that you are aware of things that are going on with you and your children and you are willing to make changes. When it comes down to it you really only have say so over you and your two boys. Make sure that you do what is right by them. :)
Genders are both boys... my statement meant my boys respect what I say, the 4 year old has some learning still, however my 16 year old is very well behaved
Thanks a bunch Bushg... according to him outsiders are jealous of him so they'll say outlandish things... My family or friends do not even know the half of it, I couldn't tell them everything, they would never accept him around.
Thankfully I'm able to open up a little more on this site and realize it's just an all around sad situation.
Thank u again!
I agree that the oversexualized 12 year old daughter quite likely has been or is being sexually abused by somebody, but even if she's just insecure and jealous and trying to use the tools her mother taught her to get her dad's attention, it's still a very unhealthy situation.Quote:
Originally Posted by goingoofy2
Ultimately though, her relationship with her father is out of your hands. What's not out of your hands is your response to his emotional abuse and controlling behavior toward you and your boys. Your priority should be to decide how you're going to deal with that. I would make that the primary focus of your session with the therapist on Friday.
I would never try to take the daughter away from her father or interfere in that bond. (until this) I did all I could for my husband for almost 2 years with reports and filings and investigating the mother and her behavior with the men, the bars and late nights out while the daughter was at home alone.. I insisted he try and get custody... he said no, the daughter should be with her mother. More likely his selfish behavior and not wanting 100% responsibility. It's just all a mess guys.
Ireally think you should sit down with your husband AND his daughter and talk about the situation, if both agree its just a father to daughter bond or get defensive than all you can do as a step mom is keep an eye on it. I think the situation though is very discusting and you are making your own life a hell whole with your husband, I think he and his daughter need therapy if they think that behavior is okay. I once had a friend who's daughter was taking showers with her dad and she was 10 going on 11, these whole daughter father things are quite creepy and this behavior is more than love, its sensuality. I say sit them down...
Do you think I would be hammered if I tried to sit down with the two of them... they are both very defensive people. She'll say, "OMG, whatever" when a subject comes up that she doesn't agree with... as when she was approached with bragging who her father was and how it wasn't a very good way to conduct herself... she denied it and said she'd NEVER say that... several people came into my business stating they always know who she is since she's always saying her dad**** this and her dad*** that (saying his name). I would love to sit down with [the normal] family and talk about the situation...
One other thing... I think the mother and grandmother may in fact be involved in this... she's just been overly affectionate these past several months with no regard to my comments. The mother and grandmother helped create the bikini photo for father's day... it's sick!
You, and your husband, should be a united front to guide all the children in knowing what roles they play in the household, and what is the correct way to act. The biggest problem I see, is the adults are at odds, and cannot lead the children to adulthood, as a unit. Counseling is so needed to put you, and your husband, on the same page.
I think you may be right goofy. Trying to talk with them together will make them defensive and unite against you. You somehow need to make your husband see how unhealthy the daughter is. Would he be willing to read some literature on teens? How does he feel about the strong possibility of her being sexually active and early pregnancies? Most dads don't want to think of their girls with boys. Maybe if he can see that her behaviors with him are not going to be limited to him. She most likely will be (if not already) a very promiscues young woman. If he could see that her behavior is not that of a normal 12 yo then maybe you can get united. He will have to be the one to stop the behavior. ANything you say will only likely push her towards more undesirable behaviors. It does sound like she is jealous of your relationship and he will have to make things clear with her that he values her relationship as a daughter but will set limits. If she sees that you are united I think it will go a long way to help her.
If my husband was a mature individual this would all be great, however he has stated to her how much he loves her, my 4-year old and me just the same and she has to deal with that... however if he and I are on the outs, he'll go along with anything she says just to have a "companion" on his side. He hates, hates to be wrong so even if a 12 year old humors him, he's happy... I've told him how wrong and confusing he is but he denies being this way; so many of us see what he does so obviously it's not something made up.
I'm not a liberal or anything but there are those who would consider a man sleeping with "nubile, leggy" thing as a form of childmolestation whether they aren't or are doing anything but sleeping... God bless you!Quote:
Originally Posted by goingoofy2
NO when i waz 12 i wanted to have my own room i never slept with my parents and i never wanted to...because they were my parents and i wanted to give them there time alone...mostly at night..lolQuote:
Originally Posted by goingoofy2
the point is if you think it is wrong that that is your thing
i love my dad and i sat on his lap...but i never did what this little girl does
why dont u talk to her or somthing and no way you arent wrong do what you feel is right
Quote:
Originally Posted by slurpiness
Wellllll, truth be known, the mother made an accusation several years back about the daughter and father... we all laughed it off knowing she would say things just to say them, she brought it up in court but never pursued it... in any event, I don't think this is a molestation thing... it's just a creepy situation that is very unnatural.
Well, if you are not able to help him see how wrong this is then I would say protect your children. You may need proof of what is going on later. I am thinking of the future if things are not able to work out with you two. You may need pictures to have in a case of a custody battle with your own children. It doesn't sound as if he will be reasonable and not make good judgements for your 4 yo when he is a teen. Is there a way to take a picture or record a conversation without him being aware? I wouldn't want you to be put in a dangerous position with him. I am sorry that things are so wrong for you. He should have never put the 12 yo on the same level as you. We should always show our children that our first alliance is to our spouse and together we parent.
I would really like to know how to go about proving more of this... he's on guard now so nothing will transpire anytime soon... nonetheless, my biggest concern is with my 4 year old and he having to deal with those two if [when] I leave him. He's more than likely going to tell her something so how do I go about it from this point on. If it stops great, but who knows when I'm not home.
Well for one save and print our discussions here. May not do much but does show your concern. Ask your family members to also write down what they have seen and heard. Do you think you might also get help (very carefully)from the ex? Just be intuative and lay low for now. Stay safe. He sounds like a husband of a coworker. It is always about him and how everyone perceives him. He is so nice to us but she sees a different side at home. Maybe the therapy will help. I hope he will see how important it is and go with you.
you're a doll... I have saved the listings for what it's worth. I'll ask family members when it's the final count down, I don't want them any more involved than I have to. The ex has a problem with me, she wanted to be friends and I allowed her to call me, but every conversation was about her and my husband and how he was a this and a that and what he did and so many trivial matters; I tried to convince her that the issue at hand was her daughter but she was all caught up with him... I just stopped taking her calls. She then became rude when I bought my second business (on my own) and my new vehicle. It was as if she had this "only I can have things or do things, not you" so she began leaving some not so nice things about my boys and my husband and I on the answering machine. I don't really know if she'd be up for my calls right now. My son's father, his wife and I are like family, but I guess all x's are not like that.Quote:
Originally Posted by Lacey5765
It is always about him and how the world perceives him... God forbid if anyone knew the real *** *******.
Use your cell phone to take pics of themor a camcorder.Quote:
Originally Posted by goingoofy2
should I go on another site and ask this question ... Does anybody know if it matters [when it comes to my boys] that he's had 4 DUI's, ...last one was in 02. He's still a drunken driver but has been lucky ...and so have the people on the road. I'm thinking I would like to ask for supervised visitations but may not have enough to prove. I've documented a number of incidents for the last 2 years however with today's laws they may just laugh it off. He knows so many people, it's just hard to think he would have to follow my requests. His ex filed a restraining order against him last year saying he came after her and verbally threatened her, (nothing physical) nonetheless, they made him go to 8 hours of anger management ....he never did, he got out of it.
wut to do wut to do ...
The fact is that you are uncomfortable with it . And he as your husband is not respecting your feelings about this. I have concerns to why a 12 year old girl will act this way but regardless , your husband is hurting everyone by not taking heed of what you are saying. It is absolutely a choice he is making that he likes the attention that his daughter gives him even though he may not think of it as sexual . It has nothing to do with anyone's jealousy or what not . It is basically to me an issue of a man who is very self serving. My first instinct if you husband does not stop this behavior and you feel like the situation is not inocent then I would take action in taking yourself and your younger child away from this situation and then think of how you can help them from a distance. This cannot be good for you mentally to see this night after night when it makes you uncomfortable .
Ok, no one is answering this, so I will give you my opinion as someone who detest drunk drivers. I knew someone that used to go out on binges. Years after doing this, he would get so bad he did not know who he was, and would have black outs and sit in his car and doorways until he slept it off, sometimes he would wake up swollen,from all the drinking, sometimes he would not know the people around him family, kids... etc.. When he would go out and I knew where he was going, I would call the local police department and ask them to please keep an eye out for this driver, their reply was "yes we patrol thet area and we know who you are talking about but we can not be a part of a set up! If we catch him we catch him, how do we know he is drunk, this maybe a setup"... No help! The laws in 2007 are stiffer so you may get a different response dthat I did 15 years ago. Mention some high profile drunk driving cases and talk to the chief, not on the phone but in person. His DUIs were many years ago , Im sure they can not be used against him, maybe his anger management classes could, however if you bring up this after all these years it will only seem as though your being vindictive. I for 1, one I would not be getting in the car with someone who had been drinking and a child around me would not either, if he insisted on allowing this child to get in his car I would call the police on the spot or go and file child endangerment charges.Quote:
Originally Posted by goingoofy2
Quote:
Originally Posted by bushg
Bushg... we don't get in the vehicle with him (unless I drive)... and my children are not allowed either, I would never forgive myself if something happened. It's generally when he's been at the golf course all day (i.e yesterday) and Monday. His [small] family lives out of town, with a number of his alcoholic, divorced friends. When we visit it's an all around drunk fest. This is where he received two or three of his DUI's. He's well known for being a drinker, so it's not going to be any secret dispersed to anyone.
On many occasions when his daughter was younger he would have her in the car (after drinking) and I would tell him how horrible it would be if something happened... and that was why I brought it up about my 4 year old thinking if I l were to leave him, I won't be around to tell him how wrong it is for him to have my 4 year old in the car after he's been drinking. Several months ago he came home from golfing (w/my son) and I went nutz on him... I told him if I ever found out he had him in the car again, while drinking, I'd call the police. He just told me to calm down. He hasn't since (that I'm aware of)
Listen, stop letting this man anywhere near your son in a car... if he did it once he will do it again. He may not leave drinking but he has poor judgement and you never know what kind of danger your son will be in on their way back from somewhere. I would tell him this and my baby would never get in a car again with him until he reached 18 and consented to it himself. This I would raise total and complete hell over! Your husband is very irresponsible and don't let him kill your son he is doing enough damage to him emotionally but he can recover from that. Drunken car crashes can kill him, then there will be no recovery only a grave. If this is the only issue that you stand up to him on, then so be it. But unless this man gets some serious counseling, and a lot of it! Then there is no way in hell that he would ever crawl under the wheel of a car with my child in it! This I would inform his sorry A** of as soon as he walked in my door tonight. Stand strong on this issue or be prepared to stand at a gravesite someday!
Lacey wow that is such a good idea, I hope she tries that. Madd is a great group! :)
Quote:
Originally Posted by bushg
Bushg believe me when I say, he and I have had some pretty nasty arguments over his drinking.. and the what ifs. He's gone from 3-4 times a week to maybe twice a week and I try to take the baby with me (to work or wherever) when I know he's going golfing. Again, my fear is what would happen if I were to divorce him and not be around those days... this A$$ has actually dropped my boy off at his friends sisters house because I had a meeting or something and couldn't take him with. I never met her. That was bad enough, but then he picks him up [drunk] and goes home. (I'm thinking they are home the whole time)
Simple , when you work get him daycare , or a babysitter. His life is worth the effort. Do not leave it to chance 1 time. You know he is not responsible and he can not be trusted not even 1 time! Please for your child listen to me.
Thanks bush... he starts preschool this year.
Somethink is very wrong and im sorry to say this but do you think what im thinkingQuote:
Originally Posted by goingoofy2
Thanks for that Talaniman!!
It was highly innapropriate of me to use the agree button to make a point but I just hated to start over.Quote:
Originally Posted by goingoofy2
Lacey you made a suggestion in reference to MADD... well in going through my notes and other articles I've saved... MADD was one of the groups that wrote some nasty things about my husband when he received his last DUI... it was all over the internet too, he was so mad at them for saying the things they did. (no pun intended) I'm sure they would be interested in his many [drunken] outings. I do know a good number of the police out here seem to let him go. He was stopped a year and a half ago and the police officer asked him to step out of the car, lock the doors and call someone to come pick him up since he was in no shape to drive. (I picked him up)
I don't think I should get ugly with all this, I just want him to realize what he's doing [in so many aspects] are out and out wrong and he needs to stop blaming everyone else for pointing them out.
I think that MADD may be your best resource then. They will not care what his status is in the community. Also if it gets ugly and needs attention you can contact the news stations in your area. They are always looking for stories on public officials. I am not sure that he is an officail or just well known) I hope that it can get resolved without putting your family through all of that. I wish that we all could see these men for what they are before marriage and children are involved but they play the game well. I know you must feel trapped but you aren't. You will get through this. As a mother I know you first concern is for your children, again, are you involved in a church that can help out? They could be a great source for babysitting and suppot for you.
I was involved with a church where I used to live a few years ago... loved the pastor to no end, he's since retired and with all the goofy things going on in some of these churches, I'm a little apprehensive. I pray each night, I thank God each day... my husband wants to go to Church one Sunday then has no interest the next. I have a very supportive family, however one never wants to get them too involved since you do have to show up at family parties and such... they are aware of his drinking habits, and have made comments about the daughter, but as far as details, I wanted to keep that a little more private. My husband is pretty well known... oddly enough as one of "the greats" but he's so darn hard headed in believing "Everyone loves me, why don't you" well,not everyone really knows the real *****. I guess that's why I'm wife number four... thinking I was #2 but found out later about the other two.. . there are just so many negatives... I see it being kind of like a soap opera with the more I write.
I have only ever watched like, maybe 3, episodes of Dr. Phil in my life, and one happened to be about this type of problem.
The scary thing is that the details you have provided are much more involved and extreme than what was going on between the people on the show... and they made it onto TV! They needed counselling and to change what was going on. There was a problem there.
I am sorry, because it sounds like you're in a bad situation that is not going to get resolved easily.
In my personal opinion, the relationship between your husband and his daughter is totally inappropriate. I think it is overly sexual. I think there is inappropriate physical contact and a total lack of boundaries. Maybe they don't see it that way, but I honestly believe that I am not alone in thinking that is not normal.
I debated on whether to tell you this, because it is about someone else and not you specifically, but I decided I would just to give you another insight.
One night I was hanging out with some friends while in college, having some drinks and talking. After a while, the conversation turned to sex, and I guess since he was drunk and feeling comfortable enough, one guy (who is gay) told us that he had/was having a sexual relationship with his father. Needless to say, that was pretty shocking. He refused to indicate when it began (probably because it was before he was of legal age), but only that it had been going on for a while and was still going on. His father was still married to his mother, and he went on to tell us how hard it was for him because he was in love with his father and was very jealous of his mother because she got to be "his wife" and everything that came along with that. Obviously, that was something I never expected to hear, but there was no doubt in my mind that he was being genuine about his feelings even though I could never understand them.
I'm not saying that your situation is like that. I am not saying that your stepdaughter is in love with her father, or having a sexual relationship with him. I just am throwing out there that things like that do happen, and if it hasn't happened it is *possible* that it could happen. When those boundaries get too blurred, I guess things can happen that are very unusual.
I really don't know what you should do. I think that you need some kind of third party intervention or therapy because he is refusing to admit that there is anything wrong. I would hope that he heard it from someone else, some kind of professional, maybe he'd come around.
I feel bad, because I don't want to make you jump to any conclusions, but I also think you are right to be concerned about this. I think you really need to talk to a therapist and get their opinion on how to approach this with your husband or what step to take next. See if you can find one specializing in sexual abuse.
Goodluck, I hope this works out for you and things are resolved as painlessly as possible.
This is why I came on this site... trying to get other's opinions and to show him that I'm [and others little comments] are not the only one's who think this is unnatural and unhealthy. In seeing what many have wrote he laughs and says "these people have no idea who I am"... no, that is why I'm asking their opinion because you have a good amount of people schmoozed that they could never imagine such stupid behavior on your part. I did say that I think I should go public and ask his people's opinions... I haven't gotten a response.
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