Ask Me Help Desk - My education or my children & home?

I want to thank everyone for their opinions, experiences, and ideas, they have all been helpful! I do have a lot to consider in my decision and this is a hard choice for me to make. I feel like I am choosing between my family and myself sometimes. Sometimes, hearing other people's opinions is helpful and yes, hearing from all you was helpful to me!

Startover22, I can understand your opinion about having babies and staying home, but today it isn't easy. Society expects so much out of women these days! I feel inadequate if I am "just a stay at home mom." I know my job is meaningful to my family, but to the outside world, I am viewed as lazy. Lazy, haha, a stay at home mommy is far from lazy, well at least this one is! Growing up, mostly all women in my family and my friends family stayed home, but now everyone works! All my friends and all my family! I am the only one at home, but I am also the only one that has a husband with a good job that can afford for me to. I think that sometimes I am hard on myself to over achieve at everything I do, whether it is home life, school, or work. I feel that I must get my BS in two years, WHY? I don't know? But like you said, Kids aren't around forever!

Well, I kind of knew you were very torn with the choices you needed to make. I also have to say that I am anything but lazy. Who ever is telling you that tell them to zip it up and try it on for size. Although my husband does let me sleep until the very last minute. I have been busy for 13 years, only 15 more to go and I can't wait to wake up one day and find myself in a whole new world, with a job and lot's of extra time with my husband! I hope you do well in what ever you do! Good luck and keep us posted on what you plan to do. I will be anxious to hear about it!!

I forgot to say that what the outside world says, means nothing, what your family needs is SOMETHING!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by startover22

I honestly feel that your children and husband are not being selfish. You only have a few years to be there for them. Why not wait? I think you would be glad you did. School will always be there, your children won't. I wouldn't miss being here after school for anything. At the same time, I can't wait to get started in the work force when they are grown. That is a very, very easy time to get into trouble. Whether it be bad choice of friends, sex, drugs, or just plain getting into stuff that they shouldn't. Even with the best of rules, kids don't always follow them, and they don't always tell you if they did or not. This is just my opinion though! Good luck with your decision. Didn't you say you took a semester off to fix things. What do you think is going to happen when you go back to school? Probably the same thing. Enjoy being there while you can, that is what I think. I am not saying that you aren't important. (just to make that clear to everyone) There are things you can do to make yourself happy and feel adequate and still be with the kids until they leave for their own lives.

I don't think any of us do not feel the same way about our own children, but what kind of mom can you be if you don't have a little "me" time? And the dad IS being very selfish telling her he wants her to stay home and not get an education! This is 2007, not 1957 hubby. (Not the kids- they naturally are resistant to change and wanting their mom is not a bad thing, but they will adjust.) Sounds like she just needs to do something for herself now, and when she has it will make her an even better mom:)

I just thought I'd let you know, I am a stay at home mom... the only one I know. Of course I adore my children, but I don't intend to be a stay at home mom until they graduate high school. This is my solution for while they are very small and least independent. But once they are both in a full day of school, I intend to return to school myself. I sure don't feel it is selfish, and I certainly don't love my kids any less than the next mom. Having children does not mean you have to put your own goals on hold for nearly two decades. It means finding a way to balance things, and learning to juggle a bit. Choosing to work or attend school is not a waste of time just because a mother has kids. Just as staying home with your kids is not laziness or lack of motivation to work. What I am trying to say is there is nothing wrong with either choice.

Just an anacdotal story to help all of you HARD working moms!

When I was in college there was a woman there who had 5 kids. All in school, ranging from 2nd grade to 10th grade. Her husband had just up and left her about a year before. She was working full time, going to school (carrying 12 credits) and taking care of her 5 kids. Her kids were wonderful, the oldest helped out quite a bit. But, on graduation day, all of them were so proud of their mother. It was amazing to see.

I have no idea how she kept everything straight for school and her job. Not to mention the kids and the downfall of her marriage. Whenever I think things are tough for me, I think of her. She is an amazing woman. And an excellent rolemodel to her children.

I say if you have the drive, the will, and the ambition, nothing will slow you down.

I stay at home also. When the choice was made - a lot of my friends asked me "won't you get bored?" or say things like "that would drive me crazy being home all day."
I was busier (in the begining) than I had ever been at a paying job. Sometimes now, the walls do start to close in and I get really tired of vacuuming - but I know that when my daughter needs me - I am there. I have the freedom to be an involved parent at her school - I can help when needed and have a lot of flexibilty. I wouldn't trade it.
I have thought about going back to the workforce now that she is in school all day - but I feel like I would be giving up so much. And of course, the workforce doesn't welcome you back with open arms after being "MIA" for almost 7 years. I always thought I would go to school and do something that counted - something I could be proud of if I was going to be away from the home - life stepped in and said No - so that part of my life is on hold - but - for me- that is o.k. for now.
I think the decision would be a hard one - me or my kids/family - if we had the money to put me through school - I don't know that I wouldn't be in the same situation. I think in this situation though, you will know almost instantly if you made the right choice. I mean, if you go back to school and the kids continue to thrive - then great, if they backslide - then not so great.

I went to work after my first one was 6 months old... it was a financial necessity, but also, I was young and impatient, and not the best stay at home mom. I decided to go back to work also because I didn't have to use daycare, I had family that watched her. But after two years of working I missed her so much! I arranged my work schedule around her as much as possible, and never missed a mommy and me class or preschool. But after my second was born I was a lot better at the mom thing. I had a better handle on my life and a new view of things. I have been home ever since. I feel conflicted about it. I know it's great for my kids, and they are doing so well, but I feel guilty that my husband is the sole provider and that the kids are so much closer to me than to him. While I intend to return to school in 3-4 years I don't regret any of the choices I have made. When my first was born I wasn't prepared to be a stay at home mom. But now that I am a little older and more practiced, I actually enjoy it. I am here from the first flicker of their eyelids in the morning until their final yawn at night. I love them deeply and I know more about them than anyone on this planet, but I still have other goals too. Of course I would never choose anything above my children, but if they can make the adjustment, I will go for it.

Thanks for the support startover. It isn't easy admitting that I wasn't naturally a perfect stay at home mom at first, but it is the truth. I feel so much more capable now. And I think the break I took from being home after my first probably was the best thing for her at the time. Now I am glad to be able to be here with her, because we can make the most of every minute and we are so very close. She has a diary, and I have told her it is for her private thoughts and feelings, things she doesn't have to share. She is forever coming to me to tell me she wrote in it, then proceeds to tell me what it says! It feels good to be the first person my kids want when they are hurt or sick, or scared. I love that I can help them with a hug and a kiss. But she is growing too, and alas, has friends and a slew of activities after school. It seems she has less time for me these days... (sigh). But it is amazing to watch her grow.

That's what I am talking about. Nice job on the diary, I love hearing what my daught writes in hers too. (when she writes in it) hahaha. She is a good girl and my only one, all of my kids have about a ten minute tuck in time to tell me their thoughts, sometimes it runs into an hour, but hey I love it when it does. I like being here after school, only because I think that it is a hard time for kids to make the right decisions, homework, house work, or playing outside. They don't always need a push in the right direction, but sometimes they do. I can't help them with the real issues over the phone, you know? I like to see their face when they are talking I love seeing them do good things, and I hope to be here when something goes wrong so I can help. My husband has been supportive of that, not pushy of that. I guess I am one of the lucky ones. I wish more people could see it in a different way, just because this is 2007, doesn't mean we can't be home doing exactly what our kids need us to do. BECAUSE it is 2007 it is more needed! That's my take, kids can't take care of themselve as much as people think they can.

I wonder if the disintegration of family units is related to most families not having a stay at home parent. Not that it is always necessary, but it seems incredibly important for young children. (I am defining young from birth to maybe 10 years old.) It just seems that since families became financially supported by two parents, there is a lack of discipline and expectations for children. Maybe since no one is home all day, they don't want the role of the evil disciplinarian... they want to be loved and adored without the tension "parenting" can bring? Just a thought. I just know that I tend to make my kids tow the line and I don't let things slide. My husband on the other hand, who is here all of 3.5 hours after work and before the kids go to bed, lets them get away with much more. I think it is the lack of time he spends with them that makes him want to make them happy more than he wants to discipline.

Completely right. They feel like they don't get enough time so it means they don't want to be the "bad guy"...

WOW, I miss a day and this discussion really took off! Haha But I like it!

I don't know who said what because I read so much, but everyone made good points.

I think that having moms out of the home and into the work force has put a hurting on the children. Even though I am all for women making this world great by working, I do think that we as a nation have suffered. Children are disrespectful to elders, because they aren't expected to be respectful to their parents. Children are spoiled with material things and they feel that they somehow deserve these things. Parents are too busy working to make their children be respectful and they feel guilty for not having time with their children, so they buy them stuff. Most of the children now days are "expecting" something for nothing and I don't want my children to think that way! When kids know that no one is watching, because they are too busy, who knows what they will do? Scary!

Now there are many parents that both work and have very well behaved children, because somehow they manage to work it out. They are much better at multi tasking than I am apparetly?

As far as me and my issue here... I like to get off topic a little... It took me 3 yrs to get a two year degree and I went all year long... Fall, spring, and summer. My children have spent summer vacation stuck at home with the baby sitter, because Mama is taking two advanced chemistry classes from 8 am to 3pm Monday - Friday. That isn't right!
The semester after that summer chemistry, my children were all starving for attention from me. That Fall is when my son started giving me a lot of problems with school and his ADHD. I started the fall semester with 15hrs and I was busy with studying and children, but I can handle that... I thought! Then I started getting calls during class hours from my son's teacher because of his behavior. Soon I was withdrawed from all my classes, because he needed a lot of my attention. By spring semester everything was better with my son at school, so I signed myself back up for a full load (12hrs). Within a month I had withdrawed from all my classes again and even took my son out and homeschooled him for 2 months. He did great! My son did fine when he knew I was there to give him the proper attention he needed, whether it was good or bad.

This past semester I only needed two classes to get my AS degree, so I took three... 1 online. When problems started with school, this time with all my children, I took them all out and homeschooled them for the whole semester. But this time I didn't drop my classes, I took them with me to college for two hours three days a week. This is what it took for me to get my degree and I did it!

I don't want to go through all this again! I don't want my children to be dependent of me, but I don't want them to feel like I am not there for them either. My children understand how important I feel education and I don't doubt they will go on to college later in life. "What college do you want to go to and why?" is a weekly discussion in this house. I have the children research college and universities and degrees & majors. I want to them to know and understand their opinions, so when the time comes for college, they aren't clueless! Like I was and most other people. My children my still be confused, but they will know their options when the time comes.

I have done a lot of thinking over this whole subject and I think I have decided to stay home. I enjoy my freedom! I like being able to go to the kids school if they need me or for activities. I like being able to pick them up after school and dropping them off with kisses in the morning. Why am I wanting to rush off to work if my husband wants me to stay home and him go and tackle the world? Yes, more money would be nice, but at the expense of my children... Is it really worth it? We have everything we need and we have each other! We are happy now. When I was in school it was total choas in my home and with my children.

I think I will stay home! At least for now.

I am happy you have made a decision, and I support it. If this is what you feel is best for your family, then this is what you need to do. I think you should be really proud of yourself for completing you Associates Degree under those circumstances. It was a difficult feat. I wish you luck with your children and future education.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whiteladybug2002

I think I will stay home!! At least for now.

Good for you. College classes will always be there, but your children are with you for such a short time--or so it seems when it's over. I speak from experience.

Thank everyone for their support. You all are great!

I wanted to add that I am not completely giving up on education all together, but, for now, I am changing my perspective. I think everyone needs to learn or try something new to keep their minds fresh and alert. So I am thinking about taking time and learning new task such as: sewing, cooking, painting, volunteering, scrapbooking, soduko (don't know if I spelled it right, but everyone is crazy about it, so I learn it), etc. All these things can keep my mind working while I stay home and take care of my own while they are still here with me. I always wanted to learn how to sew, etc, but never had the time, because of school, home, and husband. I can spend as little or as much time on these projects as I want or can, no deadlines or structure. I think this may be a good opportunity to open doors to new experiences for me and my family. My daughter has been wanting to learn to sew, so we can do it together!

I will still continue my education on a professional level when the children are able to stand alone. I tell my children that "if you fall as a child, I am here to help you back up, but if you fall as an adult, you fall alone." What I mean by this is... I will do my best as a mother to help you up from your mistakes as a child, I will be here to teach you the way the best I can as a child, but I can't always do that when you are an adult. I only have one chance to make good responsible adults out of my children and that time is now!

I haven't told my family about my decision yet, I want to make sure this is my choice before I tell them and then change my mind... They would be broken. I don't think I will change my mind, but I want to make sure.

I also wanted to add... Someone said something earlier... a story about a woman with 5 children, working, divorce, and school... That was one brave woman! She is an amazing woman. I know that staying home can put me at risk of having nothing if I was to go through a divorce. I think that is one thing that made me keep going through school thus far. I have been divorced twice and both times left with nothing but my children. The exs didn't pay child support and I couldn't keep a job, like I got paid much anyhow. It was really hard! I lived in the project, fed my children off food stamps, and cleaned my grandmother's house for money for diapers, but I was never discouraged. I knew there would be more to my life. I knew in my heart that it would get better. I got lucky though and met my husband which provided us with all our needs and most our wants. He was a true gift from God for us! Yes, we have our disagreements and misunderstanding, but he took us under his wind and loved us from day one. But if he was to divorce me tomorrow, honestly, I don't kknow what I would do, but I do know that it would be okay. I have my children and God on my side and everything will be okay!

Everyone, Thank you for your responses, comments, and suggestions. I have truly enjoyed this discussion. It has gave me a lot of insights to a lot of your lives and feeling toward your children. It is amazing how children effect our lives! Whether you work, go to school, or stay home I can tell that all you love your children and are doing what is best for them to the best of your knowledge. You all are good parents! Keep it up! Good parenting is a unique quality in today society and we all are unique!