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Originally Posted by mogrann

Must chime in as a survivor . My abuse was never dealt with as a child. I did not get therapy and did not tell anyone. I could be a poster child for how sweeping it under the rug has life long consequences.
As a adult it would bother me if I knew my abuser hurt others by me keeping silent. Guilt seems to be a common emotion in survivors
Please get counseling for your daughter and son. He may have issues as well due to seeing it and not having the power t protect his sister. I would tell your family that the sisters family is NOT to be around your daughter. Show her she is important and that you will protect her.
I would also make a call to CPS to let them know. I don't know but may be counseling will help him or prevent another child being hurt.

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I have thought about reporting this and have really struggled through this for the entire four years. Right now I don't have the courage to report it because my intention is never to destroy their life. I guess what I am saying is I am still protecting my sister even though she doesn't give a damn about me or my child. The flip side is knowing that it could happen to another little girl and devastate her life just because I was not strong enough to speak up.

After 4 years it's a bit late to rehash this or call in authorities and making older children recount memories, from the past, though I doubt they have buried them at all, but cope without guilt. There appears to be no long lasting trauma, so you must have done something right. I think you are right to rally around your own children, and pray your sister can keep hers under control, hard with them being in denial, and sad it's a wedge in your family.

Lose your own guilt at not being able to protect the world from this seemingly troubled kid, and hopefully you and the rest of your family can keep this from escalating further. I think it does no good to shoulder the entire burden yourself when it's a family matter you all have to somehow deal with.

Stay vigilante to and for your kids. As you see you are hardly alone, this happens more often than people care to share.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Since it seems your family knows about this, and have for some time, what do they think?

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Thank you for your awesome words of wisdom. I will read and reread and start taking heed. Thank you again.

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Originally Posted by Jake2008

There were opportunities, and an obligation as a parent, to address the issue of your nephew involving your daughter, in a sexual , pre-planned act. I say pre-planned, because your daughter was the target, the bedroom was the place to go away from all the adults, and your son was told to stay in the closet until told to come out.

That was a plan, and he almost got away with it.

Actually he did get away with it, even with your son telling you what happened, your nephew got away with it. Not only that, the nephew had a backup plan, which was if he got caught, he would claim that your daughter was the one who initiated the sexual contact, by pulling his pants down!

There was/is nothing innocent about what your nephew did. Although it is easier to say that it was 'just' kids experimenting.

I don't know what you said to your daughter when you asked her about this incident, and I don't know why you didn't confront the nephew yourself. Doing so may have given you some insight as to the pre-planned 'game' this kid had in mind, and just how much of a liar he was. You would have at least had some sense of the determination of this nephew. ( Are you certain it hasn't happened before?)

For example, he could have surprised everybody and cried, and been totally embarrassed and apologized on his own.

But, the opposite has happened. He got away with it, and adults covered it up, including you, by not directly dealing with it.

5 year olds know 'good touching' and 'bad touching'. But they are no match for someone older, with a plan, obviously.

It isn't okay to just let this go and forget about it. My advice to you is to make sure that you seek advice from a professional, on what, if anything, can be done now, including how to handle the many years ahead with your nephew and your daughter involved in family activities.

In the meanwhile, make it very clear to your daughter that she is never, ever, to be alone with her cousin, and should her cousin try to separate her from the group, she is to come and tell you immediately. Let your sister know that plan too.

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Thank you Jake for your response. You are absolutely right. I failed my daughter because I should have got in this boy's face right when it happened. The whole event was such a shock to me and I absolutely think that I was "frozen" for a few days and it took quite a while to "sink in" that this had actually happened to my daughter in my own's sister's home. One is never looking for this to happen in a family members home. My research since then has made me realize that this happens in a family member's home much more than we realize. I failed her in not making a big deal about this at the very beginning. I brought up the subject with my sister on numerous occasions and we ended up having heated arguments. After a few of those, she just disconnected and avoided me for a long time. We have not spoken for a long time. I made it very clear to her that her son's behavior was not acceptable and that we were not going to back down. They have chosen to remain silent.

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Originally Posted by artisolanki

I failed my daughter because I should have got in this boy's face right when it happened.

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I disagree. I don't think you failed your daughter by not getting in this boy's face. That was not your responsibility. However, I don't know exactly what you did with your daughter at the time. You should have used the incident as an opportunity to reinforce what 'bad touching' is. That the incident was not her fault, but that she should immediately call an adult if it ever happens again.

I also hope you praised your son for protecting his sister.

Try to see this whole picture, as connected.

Having everyone 'aware' of what went on in the sexual assault, is, in a way, setting your daughter up for any and all family gatherings. She will be the victim over and over again, of conversations, 'look's', and all kinds of assumptions and innuendo's regarding that incident. Had it been dealt with at the time, and appropriate steps taken, there would be some validity to innocence as far as your daughter is concerned. Accusations are only accusations, until they are dealt with.

As time marches on, your daughter will have the stigma of noticing that she feels out of place, or that some family members seem distant or even angry with her (the ones that side with your sister and her son's innocence), and you risk cousins, and some adults, making comments, or assumptions, all based on the truth not getting out there.

Not to mention that your sister's son has behavior that is escalating, as evidenced by his behavior at school, and with what you know of how he interacts with other kids his own age. It is reaching a point where intervention now, would require a tremendous commitment from both his parents (who live in denial, and that isn't likely), and therapy.

Both his parents, have failed him, and he is left thinking, rather knowing, he can express his anger any way he likes, and not learn consequences for his behavior.

If this had happened to my daughter, I wouldn't have cared where we were- it could have been in the Prime Ministers' livingroom, I would have hauled the a** of that kid front and centre, and spoke to him in no uncertain terms about what had happened.

Your daughter, while you are a really good mom, is not yet having at least the option of talking to a counselor. She needs to be prepared for whatever comes in the future, particularly those within her family circle as I mentioned.