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Originally Posted by ScottGem

I think you are being unduly influenced by a school of thought that says corporal punishment is bad. The problem is not your parents, they did no wrong. They loved you and part of that love was disciplining you when you did wrong. They chose a form of discipline that was socially acceptable at the time you were a child. It was only towards the end of your childhood that it became less socially acceptable and there is still considerable debate about that.

IMHO the problem lies with you and YOU need to get over it. You may need professional help to get over it, but its your issue. Not theirs. If corporal punishment had not become socially unacceptable (at least in some circles) then you would not have these feelings.

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Such B---S--- I haven't read for a long time. If you consider those types of spankings that I described as normal corrections you are a sick pervert. I never undestood until later that spankings was being questioned but I felt very abused from the very beginning.

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Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Do you have children? If so, how do you discipline them?

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I don't have children yet. If I have children I will do my best to avoid spankings. Depending on situations maybe I will feel that a spanking is warrented but those spankings will definitely be far from what I described.

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Originally Posted by carolanne25

I don't have children yet. If I have children I will do my best to avoid spankings. Depending on situations maybe I will feel that a spanking is warrented but those spankings will definitely be far from what I described.

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Now is the time to get your child-discipline ducks in a row. Your parents did only what they knew how to do, just like my mom for us. The old saying with corporal punishment was "beat the devil out of that kid." And when that kid grows up to be a decent adult, the elders can smile and say, "See, it worked."

I'd suggest no spankings at all. They only teach a child that an adult can hit him but the child can't hit back. Even babies and toddlers can be disciplined without spankings. ***ADDED*** Parents have to make an effort to out-think the child and even move their own bodies to prevent a disaster or wrongdoing, rather than spank or slap or arm-jerk as a quick reaction after the child has committed the "crime" (i.e. it's less work to smack after the fact than make an effort to prevent).

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Originally Posted by carolanne25

Such B---S--- I haven't read for a long time. If you consider those types of spankings that I described as normal corrections you are a sick pervert. I never undestood until later that spankings was being questioned but I felt very abused from the very beginning.

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Excuse me? Where did I say they were normal corrections? Also, you posted a more detailed description while I was composing my response so I didn't see it.

But you are missing the point. In some households what you described, while extreme, was still socially acceptable AT THAT TIME. Your parents did what they were taught was a valid form of discipline (though a father pulling down a 16 yr old's pants does border on sexual abuse). Their actions need to be taken in the context of the environment.

Liken it to slavery. During much of human history slavery was a perfectly accepted institution. It is only in the last 400 years, that society has realized it is wrong. So should people who kept slaves prior to the early 18th century be vilified for doing what was an acceptable practice? Not in my opinion.

By the same token, you need to view your parents actions in the context of when and why.

I do not know the extent of these spankings, but if it wasn't really abusive you should try to let it go. Spanking was a very normal way to punish a child, it is frowned upon now, but I bet if I had a child they'd get spanked once or twice. You could look at it this way, be thankful.
1. Your parents cared enough to discipline you. I'm sure that you've seen children that haven't been disciplined enough or at all, if you haven't they are a nightmare to be around. They wanted you to grow up knowing right from wrong.
2. My boyfriend's dad-there's a situation that was bad. My boyfriend as a child was beat. There were times where he'd get literally knocked across the room. Punched in the face once even. And the sad thing is he wasn't a bad kid, no more so than most kids anyway. He would also get in trouble because of his sister. His dad was abusive.

I don't know, but judging by your description I don't think you were abused. There could be something bothering you that's deeper though. Perhaps you should see a phsychatrist, or phsycholigist, sorry I forget which ones which. But it could help you, it feels good to let stuff out to someone that won't judge you and they could make you see things in a different light.
Love your parents, it sucks not having a mom or a dad, believe me I know

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Originally Posted by ScottGem

Excuse me? Where did I say they were normal corrections? Also, you posted a more detailed description while I was composing my response so I didn't see it.

But you are missing the point. In some households what you described, while extreme, was still socially acceptable AT THAT TIME. Your parents did what they were taught was a valid form of discipline (though a father pulling down a 16 yr old's pants does border on sexual abuse). Their actions need to be taken in the context of the environment.

Liken it to slavery. During much of human history slavery was a perfectly accepted institution. It is only in the last 400 years, that society has realized it is wrong. So should people who kept slaves prior to the early 18th century be vilified for doing what was an acceptable practice? Not in my opinion.

By the same token, you need to view your parents actions in the context of when and why.

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OK, I need to apologize here. I thought you had read my description of how I was punished and that you didn't find anything remarkable about it. So again, apologize for this. But I am not so sure it was so accepteble to spank a 16 year old girl on bare buttocks 13 years ago. I didn't know anyone else in my age who was still spanked at that time. When I was younger I had several friends who were spanked. But only a few slaps and mostly on underwear and not on bare skin. Have a birch rod ever been considered acceptable the last 100 years?

Yes, I know my parents did love me and did want me to learn what was right or wrong. But it's extremely difficult for me to approve the methods used even if was some years ago.

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Originally Posted by toddcandi

I do not know the extent of these spankings, but if it wasn't really abusive you should try to let it go. Spanking was a very normal way to punish a child, it is frowned upon now, but I bet if I had a child they'd get spanked once or twice. You could look at it this way, be thankful.
1. Your parents cared enough to discipline you. I'm sure that you've seen children that haven't been disciplined enough or at all, if you haven't they are a nightmare to be around. They wanted you to grow up knowing right from wrong.
2. My boyfriend's dad-there's a situation that was bad. My boyfriend as a child was beat. There were times where he'd get literally knocked across the room. Punched in the face once even. And the sad thing is he wasn't a bad kid, no more so than most kids anyway. He would also get in trouble because of his sister. His dad was abusive.

I don't know, but judging by your description I don't think you were abused. There could be something bothering you thats deeper though. Perhaps you should see a phsychatrist, or phsycholigist, sorry I forget which ones which. But it could help you, it feels good to let stuff out to someone that won't judge you and they could make you see things in a different light.
Love your parents, it sucks not having a mom or a dad, believe me I know

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So you don't find spanking with birch rod abusive? Nor spanking a 16 year old girl on bare buttocks? Nor spanking a teenage girl in front of others?
A psycholigist might be a good idea though.

Out of curiosity, do you have a brother named Jonathan?

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Originally Posted by carolanne25

OK, I need to apologize here. I thought you had read my description of how I was punished and that you didn't find anything remarkable about it.

Yes, I know my parents did love me and did want me to learn what was right or wrong. But it's extremely difficult for me to approve the methods used even if was some years ago.

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Apology accepted. I probably should have added some comment after reading your description.

Its hard to answer here because I don't know a lot of details. Whether you lived in an urban or rural area. How large or small the community was, what type of church your parents attended, etc. Not that I'm asking for those details, just that they have a bearing on how much your parents thought this was acceptable.

Have you spoken to them about your feelings? Maybe with a counselor? Its very possible they understand now that they went overboard and may want to express their regrets or even make amends.

I just still have a hard time justifying a split with your parents over this. Yes it should be something to be dealt with. But you should be able to forgive them.

Can I add here?

I'm 46 now. When I was a kid, I was spanked nearly every day. Sometimes more often. My father was extremely strict and didn't take any crap and I mean any. If he was watching something and I was just being a normal 8 year old kid playing but I disturbed him... it was over. I do know that sometimes I guess I deserved it but looking back, I know that most of the time I did not. Most of the time it was just my father taking his frustration out on me. His frustration at work, his frustration and anger at my mother (they were divorced and he wasn't happy about it)... they all became my problem when he got mad. The man used his hand. He used his belt. He used wooden spoons. I had it all.

I was bitter about it for a long time but I look back at it and I see a man that just didn't have any control over himself or his life and didn't know how to handle it. I see a very sad man and I almost feel sorry for him. I've gotten over it. Once I realized why it was going on, I was able to understand it more. It doesn't make it right, but I understand and am able to get past it.

I also learned from it. I believe it has made me a better parent. I have only spanked my daughter 3 times ever and these were severe circumstances where she needed to have a touch of reality. I learned not to take my frustrations out on my daughter. I learned that she is not a tool to make myself feel like I have some control over my life.

I hope you can understand what I'm saying here and maybe look at it like I do and find your way to forgiving your parents.

Good luck.

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Originally Posted by odinn7

Can I add in here?

I'm 46 now. When I was a kid, I was spanked nearly every day. Sometimes more often. My father was extremely strict and didn't take any crap and I mean any. If he was watching something and I was just being a normal 8 year old kid playing but I disturbed him...it was over. I do know that sometimes I guess I deserved it but looking back, I know that most of the time I did not. Most of the time it was just my father taking his frustration out on me. His frustration at work, his frustration and anger at my mother (they were divorced and he wasn't happy about it)...they all became my problem when he got mad. The man used his hand. He used his belt. He used wooden spoons. I had it all.

I was bitter about it for a long time but I look back at it and I see a man that just didn't have any control over himself or his life and didn't know how to handle it. I see a very sad man and I almost feel sorry for him. I've gotten over it. Once I realized why it was going on, I was able to understand it more. It doesn't make it right, but I understand and am able to get past it.

I also learned from it. I believe it has made me a better parent. I have only spanked my daughter 3 times ever and these were severe circumstances where she needed to have a touch of reality. I learned not to take my frustrations out on my daughter. I learned that she is not a tool to make myself feel like I have some control over my life.

I hope you can understand what I'm saying here and maybe look at it like I do and find your way to forgiving your parents.

Good luck.

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Well, I admit that reading this gave me something to think about. I'm so sorry that you were abused too but I was impressed reading how you got over with it and learned from it. But you are still much older so perhaps I will get over it as well in a few year. It still hurts to remember but I think I may learn something from your.

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Originally Posted by carolanne25

Well, I admit that reading this gave me something to think about. I'm so sorry that you were abused too but I was impressed reading how you got over with it and learned from it. But you are still much older so perhaps I will get over it as well in a few year. It still hurts to remember but I think I may learn something from your.

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I'm glad I was able to give you something to think about and maybe help you. If it matters, it did take me a while to deal with it but I would say that it probably was around your age, maybe a few years younger that I was able to look at it all objectively.

Good luck to you and I hope you learn to deal with this.