You're very welcome! We've all been where you are in some way, shape, or form. We women have to stick together and not let the husbands and children be in charge of our lives. Feel free to post any time. Someone you've already "met" or a new voice will pop in to encourage you. And we want to hear about your successes and pleasures too. Now I'm off to another web site where I help people with grammar. Never a dull moment. *happy sigh*

Wow, hope things have gotten better since you posted this. That is very sad and I know exactly what you are going through. I too have a daughter who has taken the fun out of my life without me realizing it but still I long to have a relationship with her. Her mood swings are dramatic and no matter what I say or how I say it she overreacts or shuts me down. I am afraid to speak around her. People treat me differantly and only recently was it brought to my attention dor years she spoke ill of me to others. I have always wondered why the other moms all got along and did things together to support their daughters with after school activities or planned get togethers but I was never included even though my daughter was always invited and often the guest of honor. She was an excellent student, earned the priciples award, attended college and is now a well known professional athlete at age 23. I worked a grave shift for years so I'd be a "stay at home mom" for her. I sewed her dresses when she wanted a particular design. I taught her abouty makeup, cooking, how to drive a stick shift. I played babrbies with her when she was young. I had holes in my shoes for years. I went without medical attention, fancy clothes, dental care just to make ends meet so her life was reasonable comfortable.. . she knows that. I have been a volunteer in the community all my life and pay my bills. Been married to her dad 25 yrs. Yet, I have been black balled from all her events and I am treated like a leapor when I buy a ticket and attend if sommeone recognizes me. It is all very hurtful and I will not fly next month to attend her event which will be aired on showtime. I was blind to the fact she hates me. I just thought she was busy and overwhelmed. I just continued to work and foot her bills, babysit her pets, cover her social network and fan sites. I am shocked to know now that she has been using me all these years. I am such a fool. Yet, my heart longs to be close to her...

Your daughter is being a teenage pain in the butt but your biggest problem is your husband. He is not co parenting. He needs to get with the program.
Do your counseling, you are going to need help in dealing with both of them.
You know the problems of drinking and your daughter doesn't. She is becoming accustomed to disrespecting you and playing you and your husband against each other.
I suggest you sit him down and discuss the dangers of drinking with him. Talk to him about what your daughter is doing and tell him that you need him to help you, not take her side.
If he refuses then you practice tough love on both of them. When there is a problem. Give it to him. When she needs something, send her to him.
In the meantime you keep up your counseling so you will be able to pick up the pieces from both of them.

I wish you well.

My daughter isn't as old as yours yet, but the principle is still the same. It isn't you she hates; it's what you stand for: boundaries. She hates the boundaries.
It's funny. The experts always say "children crave boundaries," but what happens when you tell a 2 year old to go to bed and stay there, or a 13 year old that she is NOT wearing that outfit out of this house, or that 16 year old that she's forbidden to be around a bad influence, and now finally, your 19 year old that she needs to stop lying & face up to the fact that she has a problem with drinking! It's all the same.
When they are older -- much older -- they look back and truly want to kick themselves for putting you in these positions time and time again. When my father died I was in my late 30's. I cried so hard and screamed at myself for being -- well, a teenager.
My favorite moment was when my 'playboy' stepson grew up, got married, and his wife gave birth to... yep! A GIRL. I just thought how precious it is that this boy who used to run around trying to 'ruin' girls would now be trying to protect his own girl from boys like him! Ha ha!
For what it's worth, I found your question here, because of my online search. My 12 year old daughter goes back to school tomorrow, and wanted to wear -- now get this -- either an anime-looking character-style outfit (and she fears the bullies?? ) OR this worn-out, stained-up outfit she's had for about 3 1/2 years! I asked her to wash her hair, and she screamed, "I'll have to put alcohol on it, so I don't have to take a bath!" It goes on and on, but I think you get the point. So yes, she hates me, too, right now.
You said your daughter is 19. This means she's old enough to call a truce with you for one day. You need to sit down with her and tell her that you love her and just want to take a single day out, away from everything, to spend together. Find something she's willing to do with you, like dinner & a (cheap) movie. (We sneak in our canned drinks, disposable cups, and snacks - at most, we buy popcorn.) Spend the day getting to know the REST of her -- the part that doesn't have to lie to you. The lying and drinking isn't who she is; it's what's she's doing.
ALSO - and this is VERY important - get to know her friends and get them liking you. The easiest way to do this is to treat them all to dinner out one night. They'll appreciate what you did for them, but there's a sneaky 'extra' involved. The next time she's doing something really stupid, her friends will stand up for you! I've actually seen this. It works great. I was 14 years old with a terrible, bad influence of a friend. My mom couldn't stand her, but she always made her feel welcome. She did a lot for her. One day I stupidly ran away from home. Literally had an APB out on me and everything. Guess WHO told me that my mom was beside herself with grief, that I should go home and beg for my mom's forgiveness? Yep, that friend my mom couldn't stand!
I know it sounds crazy, but these are things that will help. No, they won't fix life, but they'll make it better. Try not to think in absolutes, either. For example, when she starts her crap, don't think, "Man, here we go again." You're starting to think of all that fighting in the future. Try to find a new way to fix the problem. Try to look past her rants and find out why she's upset and if there's anything you can do. Show her that you're still her mom, no matter what a big jerk she can be. :-)

I feel for you. I always thought I was a good mum ,not perfect. And I've got seven children. I am soft and used (well you never get used to it)being treated like crap by people.
My second oldest daughter got pregnant. And I have supported her and her daughter who is now 18 months.
My relationship with my partner is not perfect .Both my daughter and partner seem to need me but not love me. Neither supports me if one is abusing me.
My daughter screams ,threatens ,hits,blackmails,manipulates,spits,breaks things,and says really horrible things. She won't leave. Then she will be nice.
I can hardly give you advice and if like me you don't backup it's hard.
Kick her out ,take back your life. Don't feel guilty about being happy for once. Her behavior is her responsibility not yours.People are all individuals mothers only help them get to a age they become independent.

To all you moms who have commented above, my sister (10yrs old)and I (24yrs) have read most of your comments and we want to show you some love. We feel for you and it brings major sorrow to read about the pain that your daughters have caused you. Please have faith and trust in God that everything will be all right! We don't know you but we have love for you! If you ever need anyone to speak to please contact us : >email address removed< many blessings your ways and hope it all goes well. Don't LOSE FAITH! GOD Won't EVER MAKE YOU GO THROUGH SOMETHING YOU Aren't STRONG ENOUGH TO HANDLE!

Don't post your email address here. {removed for her safety -ed.}