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Your husband needs to also understand that she is an adult and she needs to be able to live her life.
Having something to do to distract you sounds like a good idea. Maybe he can come too. Just keep your cell phones on you so your daughter knows if she needs you for anything she can get a hold of you.
Men can be a bit protective with their daughters, mine was with ours, but they also have to know when to back off.
She is grown, she is not stupid, she has good parents who raised her well... the biggest mistake you can make is to make her feel as though you don't trust her judgement and common sense.
Take daddy out with you.
She works, she goes to school, she's responsible and, most important of all, she is an adult.
For God's sake, I'm surprised that you don't realize that by holding her back from developing relationships you are thwarting her development.
It is perfectly normal for a 21 year old woman to have dates, kiss, cuddle, cook dinner at his place, etc. etc. etc.
You are not doing her any favours by holding her back and micro managing every little thing.
She is entitled to her privacy, and she is entitled to grow up, and she is entitled to date and develop as other responsible 21 year olds do.
Cut the apron strings mom. Pat yourself on the back for raising her, but mothering is over now.
My question is this. Do you want her to get married? Do you want grandkids one day? If yes, then how is she supposed to accomplish this if she's not even allowed to go on a date?
Yes you're worried. Yes you're anxious. Yes there are some men out there that will take advantage, there are also women that would do the same. If you trust her judgment then trust that this guy isn't going to hurt her in any way.
Let her out of her bubble before you smother her.
There are a lot of things going on here it seems. You, being over protective. Your daughter being a little too "sharing" with her personal life. And your husband, the daughter's step-father, thinking that HE is the last gentleman that God created.
This poor guy doesn't stand a chance!
I would be a little creeped out by the fact that you and your husband know so much about my romantic intentions. "the strawberries were good...they haven't kissed yet"
No thanks!
If he has been on about TEN dates with your daughter, and hasn't even gone in for a KISS yet, speaks volumes. He is OK in my book, and she is safe.
Just be glad that it isn't someone else investing so much time on your daughter.
I had a date like this one night when I was still single. The parents were a little protective of their daughter, a divorced mother of a two year little girl. She told me that her parents were worried because they didn't know me yet. Well, I had her over for dinner one night, and the first thing that I did was call her father and talked to him, man to man, and promised him that my intentions were nothing short of admirable. By the way, the daughter asked ME out.
That seemd to help, and her parents were fine after that. But somehow I don't think that THAT is going to be good enough for you guys. No, I think that you and your husband are going to have to go and have dinner with them both, and inspect his "batchelor pad", and make him take a lie detector test.
Do whatever makes you happy. And realize that your daughter is getting nowhere fast with this "arrangement".
The world has both good and bad, of most everything.
Some guys would try to take advantage of your daughter. But not ALL of them.
If I was this guy, I would run like the wind.
What's next? A chastity belt?
OK, so what I am hearing from you is that I am overprotective and smothering; OK, but I have gone as far as to look at apts with her and she said to me last night she isn't ready to move out and not see us every day, so if she isn't emotionally ready for that how is she emotionally ready to go to some mans apt, yes he seems OK, but he is just out of a live in relationship, I have tried to promote dd to get involved with outside activities as she does not have girlfriend she can hang with, but she likes just hanging at home, so what do I have to do , be momma bird and kick her out of the house.
All you have to do is less. You have done a great job in raising your girl and keeping her safe. Now it's time to let her grow wings. You don't have to boot her out or anything drastic, simply take a step back. Be there when she wants to chat but wait for her to come to you rather than jumping on her for information.
I'm guessing caring for your daughter has been the absolute focus for you for a long time. Now it's time to start thinking about your own life. Spend more time doing things for yourself. You need to invest more of your energy elsewhere.
Your job as a parent now is simply to be around as the constant in your daughter's life that she knows that she can always come to but to let her be the one to ask when she needs help or advice. The best thing you can do to encourage your daughter's independence is to let her see you setting an example. Don't rely on your daughter and your job of parenting her to fill up your time and give your life all it's meaning. Let her see you getting out there having fun and doing things that are meaningful to you.
I know it is hard, but being a parent is the toughest job on the planet. You have managed all the hands on stuff now you just need to practice with the hands off approach.
I wish you both well.
I don't know how long he has been her stepdad, but it really doesn't matter. He NEEDS to understand that he has NO say in the matter! He can voice his opinion, but she can do whatever she wants.Quote:
Originally Posted by schnauzerlady
Maybe the reason why she isn't ready is because you have intruded into her life so much that she can't imagine being without that intrusion. In which case you are stunting her growth.Quote:
Originally Posted by schnauzerlady
Not being ready to move out and not being ready to go to a man's place for dinner are VERY different things. It sounds to me like your life is wrapped up in her. My wife was like that with our daughter to the point where she couldn't take it anymore and moved 800 miles away! Sounds to me like your daughter likes being in the cocoon and DOES need to break out more.
To be honest, some things don't make sense. A girl that has a job, goes to school, and dates, doesn't fit the rest of the description. But nonetheless, I don't say you need to kick her out, but you do need to back off, and give her more space.
There is a huge difference between moving out, and going to a man's apt for dinner. Give me a break.Quote:
Originally Posted by schnauzerlady
And you are setting your daughter up to fail, and be taken advantage of, if you do not let her make her own choices and stand on her own two feet. She will be a victim of sorts.
The bottom line is: what does SHE want to do? Does she want to go to this guy's place for dinner? If so, then let her go.
She is an ADULT after all. And this guy is not a stranger, she works with him.
I work with a guy that has parents like this. He is 39 now. Still living at home, still a virgin, still does not date. He pays a small amount of rent, but no bills to speak of besides his truck and insurance. So he's saving up for a family that may never "happen". He is still very childish and immature.
He would be PERFECT for your daughter. I know that he wouldn't do anything that you FOUR wouldn't want him to do.
My mom was over protective too! As I became an adult I resented that. Its her life, she needs to write her own book. If you want to be a part of it all the way through, then let her make her own decisions. I don't tell my mom anything that goes on in my life, as she always has to throw her opinion in it.
The bottom line is that she is 21. She's old enough to drink, vote AND go to war.
You can't protect her all of her life. She needs to be able to make mistakes and learn from them. She won't learn from your mistakes, she has to make her own.
As has been said, you are doing her more harm than good by being so protective.
You can't expect that, with the influence you have over her, with every little detail, that she can suddenly break from you. To me that is a sign that she is indeed not ready to be on her own, but you have only yourself to blame for that.
To thwart the next stage of her life by not allowing her to live it, is an unhealthy relationship, particularly between a parent and adult child.
While she may seem comfortable discussing every little detail, and you are comfortable listening and 'helping' her with all her decisions, it is unhealthy for her emotional health and development.
It would be good if you and your husband could see that it is time to stop parenting as though she were 13 years old. Stop the inquisition! Allow her the opportunity to make her own decisions without your input and control.
She would do well to keep her private life private.
She will make mistakes, and that is also part of growing up, learning from those mistakes through experience. If she chooses to go to this man's apartment for dinner, that is all you need to know. When she comes home and you ask about her evening, all she should say is, "I had a great time".
Your expectations of living as her protector and shadow, is likely a comfortable place for her, and you may have to encourage, instead of discourage, her to make decisions under her own steam, without any help from you.
She needs to find her own inner strength, and tap into her own common sense, and start living an independent life from her parents.
She will be forever needy if you don't allow her, and encourage that option.
Personally, I think it is time for her to find her own place. If you don't set some boundaries with each other, she will remain as she is. Do you really want her telling you every little detail about a dinner date when she's still living at home, at age 30?
Her being ready to date and move out are two different things. She may feel very comfortable with this man. She is going there for dinner, that does not mean they will have sex or she is thinking of moving in with him. (but if she is, this is all part of the learning and maturing process. I'm not saying it's wise or right, but it's life)Quote:
Originally Posted by schnauzerlady
What you have to do is give her space and you don't have to kick her out of the house to do that, but don't treat her like a minor. She will move at her own pace.
I'd like to know if she has done anything irresponsible in the past that has made you think that she COULDN'T take care of herself in that situation?
And, has someone done anything to her in the past? I mean, has she been a victim?
Were YOU taken advantage of?
I hope you look around, and see that this relationship is not very common. Not for a 21 year old, maybe 15.
For her to share, and you to wantingly know all aspects of her life, and DATES, is just plain creepy. Sorry, it just is to me.
You are creating a potential victim.
You are injecting yourself on her most personal feelings, and limiting her future potential.
What happens when mommy isn't there any longer?
I think the onus on who is influencing who, and who is allowing the crossing of boundaries, should be equally on both the mother and the daughter.
The daughter has some responsibility, at age 21, to know what she is doing, by encouraging her mother to participate in her personal life.
I have to ask, why is this comfortable for her. Is it easier for her not to grow up and face the consequences of her own actions? Is the mother a safety net? Is it better to have your cake and eat it too?
Perhaps as we continue to bash the mother for being overprotective, we should be asking the daughter, why do you need this, what motivates you, and why are you not making a choice to grow up?
Some more history. My dd and I have a close relationship as I did with my mom, we are open, I am divorced, I was emotionally abused in my 20 year marriage, I tried to protect my children the only way I knew how; dd has dated some dirtbags to say the least and she is a very good girl, we have raised her with a spiritual background; some info on dates: 1:was engaged to be married in 6 months and lied about it and his age and told her what every young girl wants to hear; 2: wanted her to move away with him and then broke it off before he went away to college; 3: professed to be a born again christian and verbally and physically abused her for almost a year, she was able to keep this from us but only after she was having medical issues, ulcer etc. did she clue us in on what was really happening.Her step dad has protected her in some bad situations and she is greateful for that.
She pays for her car/insurance, all her bills, schooling, cell phone, etc. we do not charge her rent; she was born with a disability of being perceptionally impaired so a slow learner, but she has worked hard and manages a small store.
We plan on having a family meeting tonight to further discuss some issues at hand, responsibilities and chores as a family member and us as parents giving some space; she does ask my opinion a lot and I have said numerous times, you need to make that decision and she will press me for my feelings on an issue... it is hard not to answer, but I know I must back away a little on this.
She has gone through some traumatic things and may not be as secure as she should be in her decisions, but do not enable her insecurity.
This going to dinner is a big step for her, allow her to take it with little input from you. You and her father cannot protect her in every situation and she has to learn to trust her decisions.
My daughter an I are very close, she tells me all kinds of things and sometimes I have to tell her hey TMI (too much information) but I also know there are something's she does not tell me and I know she does some things I don't think make sense to me, but she is grown, she has to bump her head and fall down and learn to get back up. Your daughter has to do the same.
Her dad has helped her out in a lot of situations but that does not give him the right to run her life. He needs to let go. Since you both are of the household of faith, I will say to you both, "Let go and Let God" She is His child He will take care of her. Her walk must be her own, not you and your husband's
My understanding is that being perceptually impaired, does not necessarily mean a lack of intelligence, or difficulty functioning in most basic ways.
When you say, 'slow learner', what exactly do you mean, and has she had therapy for this?
Going to school full time and managing a store yet having this diagnosis, I'm not sure how that accounts for her behaviour now.
I agree. In-spite of her impairment, she appears to be a responsible young lady, quite functional.Quote:
Originally Posted by Jake2008
Mom and dad, give her credit where it is due and give her the room to grow as she is proving to you she can and is capable of. These are decision for her to make. You should not make them for her or question her decision.
First of all I am very proud of my daughter she has accomplished a lot and is doing well, and I think you are missing a point that my husband is trying to make, her safety, we do not know too much about this young man and she has only dated him for about a month, I would hope she would wait a few more months before going to his apt; thus getting to know him better.
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