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I feel for you. This is a sad situation. I really hope you are able to talk to them, but remember, you can always go the legal route to be granted time with your grandchild. I know you don't want to cause more problems (which that surely would) but if you really want to see her and continue asking and being denied, you might have to resort to that.
I agree totally with Tuscany: We have a similar situation we treated our DIL like a princess and she is so fast to turn on us when she wants something. She is just a StepMom to our GrandChild and she seems to think her parents come before us when it comes to Our GrandChild's B'Day's, Christmas etc. Totally unaccepted to me & my husband and our youngest son who is the uncle to the Grand Child. Crossing the line if you ask me. The Child has a Mother. We are proud that she can have a "Best Friend" when it comes to our GrandChild but not a Mother.
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Originally Posted by grandfather
I have thought about the legal route, but I am not going to do that. It would be too hard on everyone involved. However, I have decided that I just need to change my expectations. I expected to be able to be a grandma to my grandchildren. I expected to have close relationships with them, my sons and their wives. I expected to have the same closeness with them that I have with others in my family. Now, I am in the process of changing my expectations. That way, if I get those things that I hoped for, it will be an added blessing! If not, hopefully it will not hurt so much.
I hope your daughter in law never has a son... we've had to stay very proactive for every moment we get, and the minute we let up, we're just out of the picture. Its very disheartening, and its just the way it is. It also has to do with the nature of the daughter in law. One of ours is very spoiled, and as long as she can just think about herself, she's fine. So if we back off, and don't try to see the grandchild, she's not going to worry about it. The other daughter in law has shown a lot more maturity in that area, so we really try not to abuse it and really appreciate her concern. Why is it that the parents of the girl always seem to act like they 'own' the grandchild. I've seen it time and time again. Pretty much anyone you talk to that has a married son is in the same boat. We just pray a lot, and try not to think about it too much
Katie Ann,
I love the way you think! I have often wanted to go to my DIL's mother and say, "I hope you get a DIL just like mine" and smile sweetly. However, I can't do that. I have two other sons and hopefully they will have wives that love us and want to include us. I will think about what you said if that time ever comes and try not to take advantage of the situation. In the meantime, I will continue to insist in the nicest way possible that I see my granddaughter. When I first posted, she was coming to visit for 11 days. Those 11 days are over now and we got to see our granddaughter twice for about 45 minutes each time. Both times I had to 'nicely' insist that she meet us for lunch so we could see the baby. It was very sweet to be able to hold her and see her sweet smile. When I get resentful about only seeing her twice, I have to remind myself that is 200% better than the previous time she visited when we did not see her at all! When I talk with other young mothers, I always remind them to include the father's parents in the grandparenting if that is what the grandparents want. I allow them to see a bit of my hurt so that they can take that into consideration if they are considering acting in the same thoughtless way my DIL acts.
I do have to wonder about some of these posts. My position may be unusual, but it seems that some of you are asking a lot of your daughter-in-laws. I don't come from a very close family... my dad's side of the family lived out-of-state, so we saw them once or twice a year. My mom's side lived in town, but as my mom put it, "her mother didn't really like children". We'd see her every few months, but when we did us kids would go play outside while mom and grandma talked. When we got older, she'd go on outings with us, an afternoon at the zoo, meeting for lunch, etc. Most of the time that the family all got together was on the major holidays for 4-5 hours. I have to say, I'd go insane if my (hypothetical) MIL wanted to be as involved in my (hypothetical) child's life as some of the people who have posted on this topic. Especially the ones who want to sue for visitation! It may noy be anything about you... your DIL may just have different expectations about what is "normal" than you do.
Froggy7 I 100% agree! I'm dealing with a MIL that thinks that she's allowed to do whatever she wants whenever she wants because they are "her grandbabies." She somehow believes that it's all about her and that we need to cater to that. I have news, it is not all about her. I see the main issue as she not having hobbies and interests of her own and putting way too much pressure on us to use her grandchildren to fufull her emptiness. A word to the GPs-This is a two income world, things are not as they used to be and the more pressure they feel and stress you add to their lives (and I know in our situation it is this way) the more they will in turn avoid you. The best thing you can do is not show your hurt feelings, bolster them and tell them what a great job they do and make them feel good about their abilities and BACK OFF! I know anyone who is pushy with me I pull away... people who are laid back I ask them for their help and feel comfortable with them hearing me and my wishes as a parent. They are telling you something when they don't offer up time... the more you push the more they will feel as though you don't hear them and don't respect their wishes as parents. It may take some time but backing off will cause them to pursue you and offer time. But you need to wait it out in the wings without a timeline.Quote:
Originally Posted by froggy7
Don't worry about what they do with her family or others. Just worry about yourself. Ask your daughter-in-law politely. I really miss "insert name", could I arrange to spend more time with her? I'd like to help you (daughter-in-law), perhaps when you get your hair cut or have a dr.'s appt or when you and "son" go on a date. Just hold tight and be available and always offer. As the child gets older, she'll request to spend more time with you.
My mother-in-law rarely asks to spend time with my son. But now that he's 4, he says, I don't want to stay with my other grandmother... I want to see grandma (my mother-in-law). So, in due time, your granddaughter will likely request the visits and you'll get more time.
What grandparents don't realize is that with working parents, we too, feel like we don't get enough time with our child. So, keep that in mind, too.
Just set your intentions for positive time with your granddaughter and intend for it to happen. Try to remain open minded and put yourself in the mom's shoes sometimes, too.
Good luck! Your granddaughter is lucky to have you!
There may be no answer it seems - I have almost the identical problem - and my husband and myself have agonized how to "fix" the situation. We tried to talk to our son but he said there was no problem - we just were looking too hard. We are tollerated by his wife -she will not visit nor bring our 2 precious granddaughters to visit. It's only when she's working on weekends that my son can allow us time to see the girls. We've done all we know how to do but there is nothing that seems to make a difference. She has a mother and father and she doesn't see the need for us - which is 98% of the time. I offer to babysit - she doesn't need it - her mother and family always; we offer to take them out - there's always something else she has planned. I've been so hurt that it's gotten on my last nerve - to the point I've spoken with my MD about prescriptive medication to numb the pain. And that's sad - I don't need meds - I just need to feel the family that I once enjoyed throughout my life. We were a close family and until this marriage 9 years ago things were normal. This is not normal.
I am a mom to 2 year old girls and I feel sometimes as though my mother in law gets upset because I want leave my girls with her I have only left my girls in emergencys with my mom because they see her more I don't mind the girls spending time with her as long as I can be there my girls were born very premature and I am a very picky mom so good luck maybe you should try telling her how you feelQuote:
Originally Posted by sandi_feet
I'm responding to those of you who are grandparents but are not given the opportunity to spend quality time with their grandchildren. Two years ago my granddaughter was born into our wonderful family. She is such a blessing to us! My son and daughter-in-law are terrific parents! I struggle greatly with the fact that in the past two years I have not been given the opportunity to have quality time with my granddaughter, though I have offered to baby-sit if they needed to run to the store, get things done or go out for an evening. I know and understand the close relationship between mothers and daughters and know that it is normal for my daughter-in-law to want her mother to be primary in having my granddaughter, but I am so hurt that not even once have they given me time with her. We (my two sons and their wives and my granddaughter) have family night here at my home. After dinner my granddaughter and I have fun together for a few hours but an hour or two goes very quickly and I feel like my daughter-in-law is observing everything I do. After much prayer for God's direction, I asked my son and daughter-in-law if we could talk. My son allowed his wife to present her thoughts which were those of insecurity for anyone else watching my granddaughter except her mother. I am 59 and her parents are late 40's. I am not a competitive person and do not want to be a wedge between my son and his wife. Does this mean acceptance is the only answer? I cannot tell you how painful this is to have never bonded with this wonderful baby. I feel grandparents are an essential part of the family unit. I long to talk with her and walk in the flower gardens, looking at butterflies, birds and making blanket tents and dressing up our kitties in doll clothes. Kids do not need a lot of “things” to make them well rounded but unconditional love and attention is the glue that holds families together. I see many young families trying so hard to entertain their little ones 24/7 and they are worn out and weary. There isn't enough time to stop and smell the roses and that is where grandparents can step in. Thanks for listening all of you grandparents that feel my pain.
You posted in December 2006. Are you still out there?Quote:
Originally Posted by sandi_feet
Hi.. I just read this whole string of postings.. I am also in a similar situation.. But the difference is that my DIL does Not have a great relationship with her mother and family.. In fact her greatest desire is to have a good relationship with her mom!Quote:
Originally Posted by rejectedmotherinlaw
So, as a result she feels disloyal to them if she has a nice relationship with me... It's all very mixed up. I live 20 minutes away from them but basically have been told to stay away and not call unless they call me. So, I see my grandson about once every few weeks for an hour or 2 ( generally at other family functions).
My son is stuck in the middle which I hate.. I don't want him to know how bad I feel but it affects everything I do. I can't sleep and think about the unfairness of it all the time. When they were first dating, she called me all the time and used me as a confidante.. but now - nothing. I am so disappointed! This isn't what I expected. I have other grandchildren living in another state so rarely get to see them (but am not treated to badly).
I know that having a discussion with my son and DIL is useless..
This is n old thread, however one of absolute prevalence. My mother used to say a daughter is a daughter all of her life, while a son is a son until he takes a wife.
I would like to have a good relationship with my daughter in law, yet am held at bay on every score. I feel like I must "walk on eggs" around her. I had a wonderful relationahip with my mother and grandmother and hoped to have the same. I have been married twice, once when I was much younger for 7 years and most recently 27 years. I still feel kindly towards my first mother in law. My daughter in law is on a mission to exclude us our first grandchild is due shortly and we hare beyond excited naturally. I offered to buy them all their furniture and we went out to dinner one night to pick it out. I asked her mother to accompany us, to set a precedence for how exciting this is for us all. Her mother declined. Nathless the furniture was chosen and brought home. While we were there she mentioned a particular theme she was considering for the baby's room. She had mentioned a particular theme she was looking for and I told her I had seen the very one online, but it was also available at Burlington coat factory. We looked while we were there but didn't see it. The next few days were busy, but I emailed her and told her I found the bedding at a different store, cheaper and with free shipping. She was excited and cancelled the one she ordered and saved 50.00 with the find. It was supposed to be delivered on Wednesday. Wednesday came and went, no mention of the bedding. I emaled her and asked if it had come in, and she said it had but she forgot to tell me. I said that I was thrilled and was it Nathless she had hopped in person? She said it was, and I said I couldn't wait to see it. She informed me I couldn't see it. I thought she was kidding. She wasn't. The next few days, I ran into my son and he asked me how I liked the baby bedding. I hesitated, but told him I hadn't seen it. He said well, come over and see it. I hated to tell him, but mentioned she didn't want me to see it. He said that was crazy, as she had shown it to her mother. We were set to go out to eat and the three of us were in the car and he casually mentioned "Did you show my mom the baby blankets? She said no, I'm planning to wait until the room is set up. My son said, your mother saw the stuff, and she said well I really want to wait. I smoothed it over by saying to him, she just wants to give me the full effect. In my heart, I know she is just being childish and controlling. Was it such a big deal to show me the blanket? When she found out she was pregnant, her mother screamed and gave her a lecture. Now they are young, but married. I went by and bought them a beautiful "Congratulation card" and brought her some of her favorite body lotion. I told her to pamper herself. I always try to do little things for her, so I just don't understand why she feels the need to put up such walls. They live 5 minutes from me, and I go by maybe 1-2 month when we have plans. It's not like I'm knocking on the door every day. I don't understand the insecurity. I'm not on earth to take over, I just want to co exist in their lives.
I hope your situation is better, because I can see mine is going to be trying. I probably won't be able to see the baby at all.
Hey... why not ask for a specific time each week to be with her? Or every other week? They might love a built in evening free... make it really positive. Put your own hurt aside for the overall good and perhaps someday in the future they'll like spending more and more time at your home. Just be as hospitable as you can and don't expect anything in return. God bless!Quote:
Originally Posted by sandi_feet
MY situation is still the same.. I am asked to babysit about once every other week.. And I do see them at other family functions.. I try hard not to be intrusive and stay away from the darling baby as much as I can bear it on those occasions. I don't want to burden my son.. he knows it all but can't change his wife.. (he is fighting to stay in the marriage so he doesn't lose the baby).. It's really hurtful to be kept out of enjoying the baby but maybe in time things will change.. Maybe as she matures, she will become a kinder person?
That would be something to look forward to if as she matures, she would be a kinder person. The MIL get a bad rap... seldom do you hear about a manipulative DIL. Mine is very insecure, and manipulative. The last thing I want is to put my son in the middle.
I hope mine gets kinder as she matures... One can hope
I feel your pain. We have the same problems you described with additional concerns. My son and daughter-in-law had dated only months when she got pregnant-her second-at 18. We had the initial shocks; etc. but paid a great part of the wedding and welcomed her into her home. They lived here a short time before going to college. She did nothing even when asked to. We help with bills and rent, but are not overly generous. The baby is now 4 months and my daughter-in-law is just beginning a part time job. She shows us no respect yet expects apologies from us for no reason or any reason. She also uses the baby to get what she wants. She lies continuously. My son works and goes to school. He is caught in the middle and is not sure of anything any more. I have even been told by her that I am "f....ing rude" when I disagree with something. Her mother actually calls me and tells me who I can and cannot invite to functions at my home... I've tried discussing issues, but that is a joke. She doesn't want to be brought into "my stuff". Hope this makes you feel better!
Both our problems are that our daughter's in laws are very young. They think they know if all... Too bad. My DIL controls everything, and I know when the baby comes my life is going to be hell. Of course I am excited about the baby, as well I should for my first grandchild. I have gone out of my way to include her and make her feel a welcome part of the family. She just wants to exclude me on every score. I bought all the baby furniture, yet can't see it set up. What a joke. I would think she would want to share in the excitement. Casual friends at her work get treated better. She mentioned in passing she had invited someone at work to be the baby's Godmother. Unbelieveable. The woman delined saying it was a conflict of interest since she was her boss.
My mom is very sensative about her time with my 3 kids. Especially now with my 6week old daughter(first grandaughter). Everybody asks to take my oldest son everywhere. He is 6 turning 7 but going on 37. Anyway she would plan special things and I wouldn't realize it and makes plans for him to go with my brother. She was very hurt even though I wasn't doing it on purpose.
So what I decided to do was give her a day. One day a week that was hers. If she was going to make plans to make it on that day and I would not schedule any one else on that day. My boys stay the night and she will take them to school the next day. She gets her time and I don't have to get up early to take them to school.
Now you don't have to ask for a whole day if you think your daughter in law won't be willing but maybe just bring it up lightly to them both. Ask if there is a day of the week that they need a babysitter so they can run errands or go out to dinner together. So that it seems like a favor to them. That way they will think " hey we could have a date night once a week". You won't seem needy, you will seem helpful. You can look forward to that day once a week and if you don't get to see her as much on holidays it won't be that big of a deal because you will have seen her more often. Let me know if this helps.
There's nothing wrong with wanting more time with your grandchild. You just have to go about it in the right way :) I really do want to know if this helps you
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