Ask Me Help Desk - My Son just on 16

I really hope your relationship can withstand the disagreement that is about to explode in your family because the only alternative would be to completely over rule her if the two of you cannot reach a compromise. She is not completely wrong here as she only wants to do the best with what she has to work with. I hesitate to suggest anything sneaky as this will surely make some one mad, but I got over it LOL. Time to make a move though, so give it a great deal of thought. You could suggest chaparoning your son and see if it makes a difference. (you as the chaparone)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lynley Jones

she said she was not even allowed to ask to go out till 18 otherwise she would be in trouble and that is what she expects from my son. he is not allowed to go to any mixed company functions or outings at all even during the summer holidays in Australia which are coming up . I say I dont agree but she says it did not hurt her

I think you should ask your wife, if she felt happy and content with her parents restrictions and rules? Ok it couldn't hurt her, but was she Happy... :cool:

Geez! Tell your wife to cool her jets. He's 16. Let him date.

I Hate To Say It But Your Wife Needs To Stop Babying Him... he Is 16 And He Is Going To Notice Girls And Girls Are Going To Start Noticing Him... she Needs To Get Over The Fact That He Is Growing Up And Let Him Go Out And Have Fun!!

HE"S 16 honestly your wife should'nt think that he will do , what she did when she was 16 all worrys for our kids come form what we have experienced, looks like your wife is a challenge

I have to say that I doubt if the last three responses (23-25) are going to make the wife feel better.

All three are obviously coming from younger people. The wife clearly does not trust anyone under 21. They all appear somewhat disrespectful. Phrases like "Cool her jets" don't inspire confidence. Neither does typing in Proper Case or using texting shortcuts like "ur".

This is not to say that the opinions of younger people are not wanted, appreciated or accepted here. They certainly are. But younger posters need to understand how they will be perceived from the way they write.

Your wife is going way overboard.

Not going to end well.

I say YOU let him go. You facilitate it. And you take the brunt of her anger.

There is anxiousness when the kids become teens. I have a daughter who is 20 now. Went through the whole high school dating/sex/independence stuff. Can be really unnerving.

But no friends who are girls? Please. She's a fool. And its time to let her know it. She's made up her mind. Fine. Ignore it. She doesn't have the courtesy to consider your feelings on this... time to take some hits for your son.

I agree with most everyone here. Your wife is going way overboard. I can only HOPE I can keep my son at bay until 16... let alone 18!! :eek:

I also agree that you may need to "belly up" and take a few shots for your son. I am a step mom and my husband is very controlling of his "18" year old and I have had to step up a few times and tell him to loosen up and let him do a few things. All you can do is also hope the child has seen that you have gone "to bat" for him and that he doesn't do anything wrong so your wife has no ammo for future outings.

But it is time you stand up to her and allow your son to grow and experience life now.

Good luck.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jodied

HE"S 16 honestly ur wife should'nt think that he will do , what she did when she was 16 all worrys for our kids come form what we have experienced, looks like ur wife is a challenge

From what the original poster says, if you actually read the thread - His wife didn't do a lot when she was 16 as she had very strict parents who let her do nothing!

Just to clarify the facts' How long have you known how your wife feels about this, or is this something that has just come up because of your sons wishes? If you have known how she feels and went along with it then you have no choice but to go along and work for future change. If however you have just found out about her feelings in this area, you have no obligation to agree and are not bound by her arbitrary decision without consulting you, so if you could clear that up I'd appreciate it.

I've followed this thread before and since the discussion is still going, I'll put in my two cents, and I'm over 21 so that problem is solved.

I honestly think it is ridiculous for a parent to tell a child what age they may begin dating. Personally, I would prefer for my future children to not start dating until they would be 14, but I would not tell them they are not allowed to date until then. I actually dated someone once, when I was about 14, whose mother did not want him going on an unchaperoned date, I believe until he was 16, but luckily his father had custody of him so it didn't make a difference.

The last time I checked this thread, the third party idea was suggested. I don't know that I agree or disagree with it, but obviously it was nixed.

Unfortunately, some parents are so protective of their children that even in this day and age where children start dating as young as age 10 (I once read an online journal post where the writer said her cousin was 10 and had been dating someone for a year already), they can't accept the idea of their child dating until the age of 18, even chaperoned.

The thing that strikes me is that his mother will not even allow him to have female friends. Now that is stretching it. If this is such an issue, why doesn't she offer to be a chaperone for a social event and watch how he interacts with girls? What I don't think she realizes is that if she doesn't allow him to even talk to girls, he won't know what to do when the time comes. Getting her to allow him to date seems to be a lost cause, but maybe it would be possible to get her to at least watch him interact with girls. Maybe that will have a positive outcome.

Everyone has had some good advice on this situation. You are in a tuff spot. It sounds as though your wife has some strong issues to deal with. Her parents convinced her that being friends or dating can only bring trouble. She is putting some pretty unhealthy restrictions on your son that were put on her. Interaction between boys and girls are so important. Doing things where there are a group of young adults is a good healthy way to interact. She is going to push your son to sneak out and be with the girl alone and that can be big trouble, or he is going to have some major issues to deal with and have no clue on how to interact with a girl when the time comes. That can be big trouble also. Telling him not to notice girls until after age 18 or preferably older is totally unrealistic. That is not even a normal thought.

I feel both parents should agree on raising children best they can, but when one is wrong the other needs to make the decision. On this issue I see some unreasonable rules put on your son. This is going to put pressure on him that shouldn't be. He is going to be an outsider if he cannot even have a friend that is female or go to coed functions. He is going to look like a nerd. This can affect his life. We are given children to raise and direct in the best possible way we know how. I know your wife is only trying to protect him but she is being unreasonable and controlling. We teach our children to respect our rules, but when they are unbendable and unreasonable what are they to feel?
I think you need to talk to her alone, tell her she has to trust him and allow him to grow while he is under your care. She is to teach him how to get along with girls. He needs to be able to come home and talk to her about girls and you his fatherly questions. If his heart is broken he can mend it with his mothers understanding and love, not when he is at college or living alone. No one gets through life without some love turmoil. My grandson is 16 and every weekend there is a group of kids that go to one anothers house and watch TV and eat pizza. His parents made a movie room in the family room, all the kids love going there. My daughter loves it, she knows who he is friends with. When my girls were home they had their boyfriends at our house all of the time. I knew where they were and what they were doing. I made sure there were treats and I got along well with them all.

One other note, my good friend in high school was a strong southern Baptist. Her father was the minister of the church. They could not dance, go to movies, date, wear pants. There were 3 children. The oldest was married at 18. The middle (a boy) drank, was having an active sex life at age 17, all of which his parents had no idea. My friend was not wild but she went with her boyfriend each weekend to the drive in movie. She told her parents she was with me. She went to the drive in because no one would see her. Wow, that was a great place to hang out. Of course, her parents caught us one night and I got in trouble from my parents also for helping her lie. The good thing is, my mom talked to her mom and they started letting her go out.
Sorry this is long, but I hate to see children suffer for their parents issues. Life has enough hurdles these days for the youth. Pressures from home do not help.

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. Since your wife does not appear willing to compromise or discuss the situation reasonably, there only seems to be two solutions. You can tell your wife and your son that you are giving him permission to see this girl, or you can tell your son that he can see this girl without telling your wife. Maclean's magazine had an article about over-protective mothers called mother-enmeshed syndrome where mothers are too protective of their sons. You may want to research the issue. I sincerely hope that your situation improves.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Lynley Jones

My son is just on 16 and is very keen on a girl he met at school and who he has known for some time at school and at Scouts. Over the last month they have noticed each other more. The problem is that my wife has an objection to my son having a girlfriend until at least 18+ and has grounded him for his honesty in saying he likes this girl. He is now not allowed to go to any mixed sex events or parties and is even more particularly if the girl is there. My wife has said there is to be no outings without us till 18 and no girlfriends or just female friends at all. she is of the view that any of this causes problems. I ask her what has our son done for us to doubt him and the reply is nothing but I am not gioing to allow the temptation. As a result my son is very unhappy and the bond between him and the girl is so strong that she says she will not let her stand in the way. In fact in the next few days my wife will be confronted by the girl but I think that will make things worse.
I know the girl as well as I was a Scout Leader and they are both good kids. My wife wont compromise and says there is to be no talk of it from either me or my son as there is nothing more to say. My son knows the ground rules on this of what is expected etc but my wife wont compromise. The family tension at present is unbelievable.

Your wife is nuts let him do what he wants he needs his space

Live life to its fullest

Alexander

I think that the mother may feel there was a mistake somewhere along the line with her raising ( it has to be)him because if she was confident in the way she has taught her son she should not fear. If he was raised to be a respectful young man then he will be a respectful young man and he should know what is appropriate and what's not If she fears he will get his heart broken she needs to understand that everyone is going to get there heart broken a couple times it is a part of life she can't protect him from that, she can just be there for him if that does happen to comfort him. He has to be able to live and learn, the more she tries to shelter him the more he will try to be rebellious and sneaky, and he won't be as upfront with his parents, she needs to cut the umbilical cord and let him be a young man or she will regret it later