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Once when my daughter was acting out I had a cop come over and talk to her not to threaten her he just pointed out how the road she was taking was going to lead to no-good,and he told her some of the stuff he has seen as far as domestic mothers who didn't care about the kid at all he talked to her for about 45 min. did a real good job you can try that but you might get a officer that's not real good it's a crap shootQuote:
Originally Posted by what 2 do
For now; I have decided not to speak with my daughter until she agrees or comes to terms with the fact that she needs to start speaking with a Guidance etc... If she cannot speak respectfully and like a young lady to me she need not speak to me at all. For now; I will keep myself very busy.
I have also decided not to communicate with my mother who tends to undermine me a great deal of the time...
Artlady; I respect your input; please tell me what you think would be a good idea?
You mother under minding you is not good and she needs to understand that by doing so she is putting your daughter in a position where she is getting rewarded for unacceptable behavior.That is a crucial issue if Gram is giving her the false impression that her bad behavior is O.K.Quote:
Originally Posted by what 2 do
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It is hard raising a teen alone,I had two boys and one gave me quite a bit of trouble.
You have to make the rules clear and also reasonable.
You need to write down your rules and they should cover certain *hot* topics.Curfew,friends,zero tolerance on drugs and alcohol.Dating ,household responsibilities.School attendance and participation.
Then you make it clear as well what the consequence's are if she does not comply with the rules.
You don't go to school and maintain decent grades,you lose your privilege of going out during school nights until you bring your grades up.That is her Main job right now.
Discuss a plan that you both can work with.You have to pick your battles.If she dresses in a way you don't like,that is personal style,I always gave leniency on that one.
Certain things are true deal breakers.She needs to know what they are and you have to stick to your guns if she messes up.
There are many programs for teens who are troubled and they can put her on a type of probation if she does not comply.It is a last resort for many parents because you are essentially getting her involved in the legal system.
It's a rough road,you want to maintain good relations and keep the open honest communication going.You want her to feel free to come to you with any issue but at the same time you have to have parental control.
Disrespect and assaulting you is just outrageous.Perhaps she needs to seek anger management counseling.
I would contact a juvenile justice dept.in your area,I believe I gave you a site link of programs and see what is available.
I don't know if she is using drugs or drinking but there are numerous intervention programs for that and even behavioral problems.
You might want to try to work this out by sitting down and writing down the rules and consequence's and IF that does not affect a change,seek outside help.
I hope she has made a sincere apology to you and sees the errors of her ways.You have older adult children,perhaps getting them to sit down at a family meeting would be a good idea.
If you want to toss some ideas around ,I am usually on line here ,if not there are many Moms and Dads on here who have been in the same boat.
I wish you the best,I know how hard it is to feel you are losing a relationship with your child.
Thanks for your wise input, I truly do appreciate it. No apolgies to date. I will research the help link. It is probably long overdue. At this juncture of the game this is a path if chosen, the only outcome would be the legal system, regardless.
Teenagers need discipline. You need to tell her that you are the boss and not her. She needs to respect you as a person and follow your rules. If she rebels, make the rules even stricter. I know you said she doesn't want to go to counseling but what teenager does? You need to force her to go. Maybe schedule an appointment on the Dr. Phil show
All the programs I have researched thus far are a fortune, does anyone know of any programs that are a bit more economically sound. Dr. Phil's recommendation was $350.00 a day, this program can go as long as 84-120 days. Yikes...
And thank you I to am having the same problems and logged on to find women in similar circumstances.. and looked at your answers with some hope also feeling that I'm not the only lone parent of a rude wayward teen... colleen.:)Quote:
Originally Posted by what 2 do
I totally agree Its my problem I created this monster who was once adorable Its me who has to disdipline and get respect back...Quote:
Originally Posted by what 2 do
Thanks for responding and letting me know that I am not alone. As I have been feeling pretty alone these days. My daughter has since been removed from my house and is temporarily staying with her grandparents what happens after that still remains a mystery.
Keep in touch I am from brighton u.k... south east sussex we can share teen abuse... lol Im colleen SO YOU TALKING TO HER AT ALL..? MY SON IS COMING ROUND TO MY WAY OF THINKING ITS HARD WHEN He's DAD SO WEEAK GIVES HIM EVERYTHING HE NEEDS AND SIDES WITH HIM...
not really, just check in with my mom on her cell. I did call a little while ago and spoke to her briefly, it winded up with her hanging up on me.
I am a single mom, father is not part of the equation.
Hi, I thought you are a single Father. I really appreciate the input by all.
But, one aspect is left - What is the root cause?
Why she is not having a soft corner for her single mother?
I believe that, relation between a mother and a daughter is an emotional and friendly
Relation. Specially when the mom is single.
At this age, when body and mind go through many changes, kids react this way to get attention.
Try to peep in to her mind and don't send her away from you.
She need you. There can be lots of things going on in her mind. She
Might be creating imaginary situations and your reactions. Thus
Getting angry on you. Take her in your territory, before anybody else can take advantage
Of her emotional imbalance.
Believe me, every time kids are not wrong, sometimes elders also make mistake which they realize after time runs out. All the best.
Unfortunately; having her home is not an option right now. Vulgarity and violence are never acceptable under any circumstances, and they are not welcome in my house, when she learns how to speak like a lady, she may return. For now; her unrulyness is not welcome and won't be tolerated.
Underlying causes are usually detected in therapy. If the person is willing.
She should grow out of it soon. If not then tell her if she doesn't do as you say you'll take something of hers. Does she have a cell phone? If so just take it away untel she does what you want. You can take her to counsling and if she refuses then restrict her even more. She's being selfish. And she needs to know that. Don't say that to her but show her.
I am not in charge of her cell phone but the internet has been removed from the house along with her. School starts on the 24th let's see what happens, perhaps the Guidance Couselor in the school could be helpful
Wow. There is a lot here to consider. But I'll tell you what worked with me (although admittedly I was not near as unruly) But when I did act out, this is what my mother would do.
My mother took my phone
She grounded me
she was the ONLY person to take me where I needed to go (and pick me up).
I had to give her my work schedule and she'd go up and check on me randomly to make sure I wasn't lying about my shifts.
If I had (which I didn't) She would have made me quit my job and been my 24/7 babysitter until I "got my in line".
I was not allowed to be with friends.
(also, screw her bedroom windows shut so that she can not sneak out at night, I lived on the 3rd floor of an apartment building so this was not an issue but it helps)
that she feels like she had NO control and she wants it. That's why I acted out. (this was just 3 years ago for me, I'm 19 now) I wanted to just be allowed to go out and do my own thing and be independent when I was not ready for it at all. I resented the fact that I had to answer to anyone.
You really should try to spend time with her outside the home too. I agree with the suggestion earlier that you should take her for an overnight somewhere fun. Talk to her about what's going on. DO NOT press for information, it usually works if you confess something of yourself first. Such as a story of when you were upset by something at school when you were a child. She will be more likely to open up and you can get inside her head and figure out what she is thinking.
Also, DO NOT start accusing her of her behavior outright. Such as "you do this wrong, or you say this to me" She already knows it and will withdraw even more if she feels attacked. She is lashing out about something and it's extremely important that you try to find out what it is.
She may pick up on it and decide she still doesn't want your help in such a way. That's when you really should try to get professional help. (although truthfully she could resent you for that as well)
Just make sure that she doesn't cause any harm to herself. I know it's difficult, but you are her mother and you love her. No matter how she is treating you, try to be supportive and listen first. That could take you farther than you think
There's no easy answer to this question. No matter what you do it WILL be difficult, but no matter what it will be worth it if it works.
Good luck! Let us know if things get better!
Also, I would suggest you take the phone away anyway, even if your mother pays for it. She is YOUR daughter not hers, and if she is spoiling her, she is undermining your authority as the parent. You need to have a talk with your mother as well. She should not be condoning this of her grand daughter. And as her "if i had ever treated you like that as a child what would you have done" Take your daughter back home immediately. Your mother is making things worse for you, although she means well for your daughter, she could be causeing more harm than good.
I thank you for your insightfulness into the pathology of a teen. I have considered an away trip and still am, I am mulling. In some of my last postings I mentioned that I went to orlando with her in April and that did go well. I am uncertain for now, in order to come back home she will need to adhere to the rules and become reasonable, she will no longer be able to run her own show
You are so right about the cell phone and undermining. However; there is no one else for my daughter to stay with temporarily until we could sough of decompress, especially me. I am exhausted and must work for a living. I need a bit of Hiatus, there is no other option the ranch camps and wilderness camps were a fortune.
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