"To me, this hurt is worse than grief over losing a child to death because there will never be any closure."

I think you've hit the nail on the head there, jumashuman.

I know someone who has toyed with the idea of saying they have no children, rather than have to keep explaining. I've even considered it myself (I know, I know, that's shameful). However, I love my daughter and would love a reconciliation, so I keep hoping and trying and I just know that I couldn't ever deny her existence - even if she does send the police to my door, accusing me of stalking her (which I'm not doing).

I'm glad I found this site and really appreciate all the viewpoints. It's good to know we're not alone with this.

Feline50, thanks so much for responding.
I've also thought about telling new acquaintances that I have no children. I lie constantly to friends and relatives, and even my husband doesn't know the full extent of my daughter's attitude and actions. Once I tearfully told him that she despises me, and he scoffed. My work often takes me close to my daughter's hours'-away residence, so I tell people I visit then and that she's too busy to get home much. I'm afraid to admit the truth. Part of it is pride, and part is fear of reopening a terrible wound. Almost every encounter I have with her, whether by email, phone, or in person brings some new hurt. Often, she appears to be trying to salve her conscience by giving excuses for her (unadmitted) negligence. For instance, she'll email saying she's been meaning to tell me that she planned a visit in the coming days but is now unable to do so--for various reasons. It's obvious that she dreads being around me, even for an hour or two. And I know she's not ashamed of me. Please bear with me being immodest here: I'm well bred, intelligent, and educated. I never act inappropriately. I am fat, but so are some of her friends. All of them, as well as her husband and her in-laws are common people who appear to like me--and who are totally unaware of her clandestine treatment of me. A co-worker at her wedding told me she was so thrilled to meet me because she's heard so much about me. (This woman approached me to say this. It wasn't like she was introduced by someone else and just felt obligated to blurt out something nice).
Sometimes I wonder if my daughter loathes me because she sees me as weak. I didn't leave my husband over an early infidelity, and I continue to put up with her bad treatment. Maybe things would improve if I would refuse to answer her calls and emails (as infrequent as they are). Maybe it would jolt her. But things are now complicated by the birth of my grandchild. Of course, she may never contact me again. I have decided that I will not contact her first, no matter what happens--even if I have a heart attack. As I mentioned before, she has a habit of letting her conscience get the best of her, and then she gets in touch. She must know I see through it all, and I guess I look like a sap for putting up with it. I've promised myself that I will not answer any contact she may attempt. It will probably be months before she even does. I had hope that her conscience would force her to allow me contact with the new grandchild, but obviously it has only been the opposite. And I certainly don't want to allow myself to establish even the slightest relationship with the baby and then be cut off from that.
This is the first time that I've put all this into words, and it does help. Thanks for listening. I welcome any and all advice or comments.

My daughter's rejection is even harder since she calls constantly when she needs help, a babysitter, or money.

One time when she asked for money I said no and didn't see or hear from my grandchildren (ages 6 and 10) for almost a year.

When we are in a room together she rolls here eyes when I talk and shows total disgust for me.

I've been there whenever she needs me and drop everything when she calls so I can see my grandchildren even though it's selfish on her part because she's the one that needs a chauffer or sitter. At least I get to see them.

I did everything for her when she was little. I gave up everything I wanted to help her through college. She to is an RN and very book smart.

I have done tons of research on personalities and have come to the conclusion that my daughter and maybe some of these others are sociopaths. Not in the sense as serial killers but in their inability to love us.

Everyone in my duaghter's life has to serva a purpose for her. If there isn't a purpose for her, i.e. money, sitter, etc. she has no need for me in her life and any attempt for me to try is met with contempt.

After hurting for years over this I have to resolve myself that at her age (32) she probably won't change and I will never have the relationship with her that I had with my deceased mother.

As an only child with an only child that has no live for me the world seems like a pretty empty place. I have given until it hurts so often that I realized I was making myself sick about this while she skipped through life unaffected.

I would wonder what will happen when I die and she realizes that the one person that loved her more than anyone ever will is gone. I then realized that I was even worrying about her being miserable after I was gone and wanted to do something so she wouldn't have to feel this way.

I have given this pain up to God. I believe my grandchildren will grow up and life will go on. I have had to accept this situation as it is. But I don't have to keep hopping when she calls to make her life easier any more. Is that tough live? I call it more survival for me.

Would we let anyone else in our lives to hurt us so much? We have to look after and take care of ourselves. I have never asked my daughter for help since she left me in the hospital after sinus surgery with no way to get home (I live in the country). But, I did find a way home and when the time comes that I can't take care of myself anymore there are places I can go so that someone else can be paid to take care of me.

Not what I thought having family was all about but we can never script life the way we think it should be.

The holidays are a rough time. I pray that all of us made it through and we will find some meaning to this live since the one thing that we put so much importance into has not fulfilled us.

I wonder if many women suffer from this who have more than one child. It seems that the entries on this site have been from women with one, a daughter. I too did everything for my daughter and sacrificed a lot for her benefit. I do not believe she's sociopathic though. She treats most people she knows with affection and respect. She's obviously self-centered, and I know she has a conscience because it's the only thing that drives her to call or email me, as infrequently as she does. It's so evident that her behavior is obligatory that it's hurtful to experience. I had pretty much given up on our relationship and decided that I could endure the usual couple of hours visiting her at Christmas, which is what our visits had dwindled down to. But now that she has a baby, the situation is complicated. Apparently, she fears that I will see the birth as an opening and is determined to keep me away. Or she has such contempt for me that she doesn't want me near the child.
Nothing I've done for over a decade has helped. Things have just gotten worse. So I feel that I must either let the rift exist or continue to put myself in positions where she will hurt me again. I tell myself that anyone with self-respect would never answer any attempt she might make to contact me ever again. I'm considering changing my email address and phone number. I just remortgaged my home, and I live in an area where real estate is not moving. So I can't move away. She lives hours from me, so that's not really a problem.
I suppose it's significant that she has cut off her father in the same way. And she's also coldy cut off 3 boyfriends when she found someone she wanted more. She's obviously very selfish, but I never thought the matter would come to this. I just wish I didn't have a grandchild in the middle of it all.

My first post was in early '08 after searching for others who may have gone through something similar as I had with my daughter. I have two sons and one daughter. My sons have not turned their backs on me, and we have a good relationship. My daughter has the issues. There are so many of us out there, and the holidays are extremely hard now. I made it through Christmas and yesterday, 1/3, which was my daughter's 36th birthday. It's the second birthday of hers in which I haven't seen or spoken to her by her choice. Although, I think I was a pretty active member 36 years ago, unfortunately, she has no memory of it. I had sent my 3 granddaughters cards with money for Christmas. I didn't receive a phone call from the girls, probably because their mother wouldn't let them; however, I did receive e-mails from them. That was the best Christmas present I could have ever received, as I haven't been able to see or talk to them in many months. I'm pretty sure that when my daughter finds out, they won't be allowed to e-mail me again. My daughter has not spoken to me in over a year now, and it seems as time goes on, she grows further and further away from me. I've asked repeatedly by e-mail and text (she won't answer my calls) what happened to make her so angry and treat me so badly, but get no response. She won't even let the girls call me. I've been a part of the girls' lives since the day each of them was born; however, I can look back now and recognize signs that something was wrong with my daughter's relationship with me, or lack of. But, I never dreamed she would snap over a year ago and shut me out of her life. I still to this day don't know what happened. I finally decided to send her a letter I had been working on for many months but couldn't send until now. I can't tell you how many times I wrote and rewrote this letter, but I needed to do this. I have a multitude of feelings about losing her and the girls, unbelievably hurt, incredibly angry, afraid and desperate to see my granddaughters, sad, but trying to survive. In my finished letter to her, I took out angry words and replaced them with words I knew I wouldn't have any regrets. I sent the letter with a birthday card, and still told her I love her. Unlike her, I have an unconditional love for her. I wish things could've turned out differently. I've had to fight to keep myself esteem. I pray that all of us out there can find some peace some day.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ladyhdrider

I sent the letter with a birthday card, and still told her I love her. Unlike her, I have an unconditional love for her. I wish things could've turned out differently. I've had to fight to keep my self esteem. I pray that all of us out there can find some peace some day.

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And these are the exact words that cause mother and daughter conflict: "Unlike [you], I have unconditional love... "

I too wish I could just understand what has caused my daughter to behave the way she does. Ever since I noticed her desire not to be in my company, whenever we were together I was careful not to be critical of her or say anything confrontational. And I was always pleasant to her and her friends and boyfriends. And it's not like I'm some boring old fogey who just sits there with hands folded in my lap! I'm not interfering or bothersome. I email occasionally, often with something that doesn't even demand a reply. And I call or visit with extreme infrequence.
The worst part has been her subtle cruelty--telling me how much she loves her in-laws when she hasn't told me "I love you" in a dozen years, calling to say she needs my birthdate for a form because she can't remember it, pretending not to recall some important event in our lives. She never hugs me when I enter her home--only when I leave, as though she's glad I'm going--which it's overly obvious that she is. Her boyfriends and husband always asked me to stay longer. Her response was to reply, "Okay!" and jump to her feet to see me to the door. I can't even imagine what they think is going on. And of course her final act of not answering the door after I drove out of my way for a first visit with my grandchild--which is such utter cowardly cruelty that no one else who knows her would believe she did it!
I wish I could understand what has made her this way. My dad remarried after my mother died, and his second wife eventually became afflicted with Alzheimer's. Sometimes it felt like a chore to visit them, but I dutifully did so. He knew I loved him, and it would have been a cold day in hell that I would have ever refused to answer the door if he were on the threshold! I would give up ten years of my life to have my parents back again! My son-in-law's parents both died fairly young, and I'll bet he misses them acutely. And yet I absolutely know that my only child will be glad when I'm dead. She'll probably feel some guilt, but she'll be relieved.

There are so many similarities between our daughters (I can especially identify with what you say rose54). Mine too has this attitude of everything and everyone being there for her use. I've seen how she has become part of relationships only to drop people when she considers they have crossed her. She has also continued this pattern with the various jobs she has undertaken; all of them being at some kind of fault but never herself and same with school.

I'm not an expert on this sort of behaviour but I do think there must be something in the make-up of such people. We bring our children into this world and I feel sure we mostly do our best. I refuse now to let my daughter judge me as being a bad parent; I think that she is in no position to judge me when she's had no children herself and, by her own admission, is too selfish to have them.

I think we need to accept our mistakes, acknowledge we tried our best and move on if we can (and I know that's hard), but why should we keep feeling as is we're failures?

JudyKayTree:

You're entitled to your opinion, but these are not the words that cause the conflict - it is more deep seated than that.

I realize I'm entitled to have an opinion - I am also the daughter (obviously, of a mother) and I have daughters. I understand the pain and upset everyone has posted. It must be devastating. I am not oblivious to that.

That being said - I wasn't raised to disrepect my mother nor were my girls (stepdaughters, actually) raised to disrespect me. I don't think these problems (with the daughters) started yesterday or the moment they became adults.

What I am saying is once the "I'll bet she'll be sorry when I'm dead" language is posted I picture the guilt trip that is being imposed on the daughter (we had someone in my family who used that phrase all the time - that and "I'll probably be dead this time next year and so ...") and I sort of glaze over. Maybe it was years of this same guilt trip that caused the problem in the first place.

Again - who raised these daughters to be so disrespectful?

I do so agree with JKT. Who raised these daughters to be (disrespectful), Judy was kind, I will say NASTY.

Disrespect begets disrespect and so on and so on. I hope that the next line doesn't turn out so, but kids only mimic what they see and hear. And according to my books, violence begets, etc. in the home.

The OP, Ozarksmom, hasn't chimed in in a long time, and this is up to three pages now. I hope someone else has benefited from these tid bits of advice. It seems to be a recurring theme nowadays.

Okay, I will say it. I respected my mom, she respected her mom, I respected both of them together as long as I had them together (and beyond, I have neither now but what I learned from both still stands and still thought about) and my son just loves me to pieces and comes for advice and guidance. I only wish this for others.

Ms tickle

I was the one who used the statement that I wish she could realize what true love is before I go so that she doesn't feel bad after I'm gone.

I don't play head games with my daughter. I have never spoken those words to her. Just this forum that I thought was a place for people in the same situation.

I watched my mother die from cancer and did everything I could for her to make her life better. I remember making home made ice cream in February, which in Kansas is pretty cold to be outside cranking ice cream, but it was what she was hungry for and I was more than happy to do anything for her. After she died I felt a peace within myself that I had done all that I could do.

I then took care of my dad until he passed away and tried to do everything I could while holding down a full time job and running a farm. To this day I question myself that I could have done more, such as making more trips to see him instead of thinking I was too tired and would go the next day.

Because I love my daughter I don't want her to feel badly about the way she has treated me but perhaps I'm worrying about nothing if she feels in her heart she has treated me just fine.

My daughter was demanding all of her life. During her teen years she watched me take care of my parents so she saw what unconditional love is. One fault I made was to hop through her hoops to keep the emotional outbursts to a minimum. At the time this was going on I had all I could handle and keeping her happy allowed me to take care of my parents without her causing problems.

The man she is married to told me one that he thought she was an emotional manipulator. I had never heard that term before but I really think it fits.

Perhaps when they figure out that they can't emotional manipulate us any more we are no longer useful to them.

There has been 2 incidences in my daughter's life that would make anyone think about what's important. The first, she and my 2 grandchildren were in a horrendous car wreck. For 3 weeks my daughter was thankful to be alive and "loved" everyone, and was pleasant to be around during the 21 days I was at her side in the hospital. A few months later it was back to the same thing of only speaking when she needed something.

2 years ago an initial diagnosis of my 6 year old grandson was cancer. A month later and lost of tests showed that it wasn't. During this month she was humble and quiet and not demanding at all. After the scare was over. Back to being the same person.

We all have to walk in our own shoes and for years I berated myself for doing something wrong that ended up in her being the way she is. She has said things to me that I never would have thought to say to my mother and that is amazing to me.

Did I teach her to be disrespectful? If I did I don't know how I did it. I showed her what love for parents is. I tried to teach her never to get too big for your britches because it could all come crashing down at any time. I tried to teach her to live beneath your means in case an emergency comes up. (Last year she took out bankruptcy after being $85,000 in debt without anything to show for it).

I taught her not to lie because it is disrespectful to the other person.

I'm not perfect. I have seen children who were treated horribly by their mothers and they love them more than they deserve. I used to look at children that did bad things and wonder where their parents were in their lives. Surely they had been treated badly to turn out the way they did. A lot of times the parents seem to be like us. They did their best but the children never "got" it when it came to the love thing.

I am so glad I came on to this website. I too feel totally rejected by my daughter. I had three sons and I desperately wanted a daughter. I did have a beautiful daughter in the end and we were so close. It makes me feel very depressed.

I feel so sad when I read your story. It made me cry. My daughter is turning 21 soon and I was hoping that when she has a family of her own she would be closer. Now I am not so sure after reading your story.