Ask Me Help Desk - Inappropriate father/daughter behavior

Inappropriate Relationship? I am having a problem with my BF of 5 years and his daughter. Some of their interactions seem inappropriate. In addition to her sitting in his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck, I have even seen them spooning in bed and she has kissed him several times on the mouth in front of me. The first time I met her she was 9 and she ran to him jumped up and wrapped her legs around his waist and gave him a long kiss on the mouth. He also asked me that night, if I would sleep in my son's room so he could sleep in our king size bed with her because she usually sleeps with him whenever she visited him in the past... I was very disgusted by this, but he assured me this was normal for Americans. It has now been 4 years and she is still sitting on his lap and wrapping her arms around his neck…I have doubts, so can anyone tell me if this is appropriate for a father/daughter relationship?

You are right! You are the adult in the house. If you are uncomfortable, it's inappropriate and once they know it makes you uncomfortable, it becomes just plain rude and abusive to you. I hope you would not do things that make people in your home cringe when you know that it does. I don't care if it's something entirely less "HOT-BUTTON" than this. It is rude to make other people uncomfortable and the minor child should be told by her father to behave in a manner that does not make other people want to vomit.

I am also going through the same experience in my home. I know exactly what you are going through.
When I first started dating the man I am seeing, when he introduced me to his daughter she acted like an angry wife or girlfriend, that was being cheated on. She got angry, he tried to hold her hand when he was explaining our relationship to her, she yanked her hand away and marched away from him. I had never seen behaviour like this before... and he kept trying to talk to her like he was explaining himself to the woman he was breaking up with. She kept getting more angry, as if he was betraying her in some huge way. It was very unusual.
Now after 5 years in this relationship. There are still abnormal occurrences in my home. I came out of the bedroom the other day to use the bathroom and looked in the living room enroute to the bathroom. She was streched out legs ontop of her father, the part that made it abnormal, was how she jumped up and sat normally when she realized I saw her sitting that way. Like she knew it was wrong. The next day the same thing occurred. By the second day I said something about it.
The angry wife behaviour has never went away. Her and I have had many disagreements. She has gone out of her way for 5 years to prove to me she can disrespect me any way she wants to. And that she is the woman of the house. He does nothing about her inappropriate blow ups, or bad behaviourl. He does not discipline his daughter at all. She can disrespect me constantly, and he says nothing to her about this. And if I say anything about it, he sides with her, and fights with me. Thus encouraging her to continue disrespecting me.
They do not seem to have a traditional father daughter relationship. He should teach her how to grow into a young woman. And teach her right from wrong. This child believes the world revolves around her entirely, and is in for a rude awakening when she discovers that is not how the rest of the world is.

These are not the only abnormal behaviours I have witnessed from his daughter. I only personally just got her to stop sucking her thumb completely last year. I could not believe it the first time I saw her laying on the couch with her thumb in her mouth.
A person can sense when something is not normal. I feel this in my home. Have been feeling it for five years. Not only is it abnormal how she acts all the time towards him. It is also very strange that he is not aware how abnormal her behaviour is. I feel your anxiety with your situation. As I have had to deal with this in my relationship for some time now.
Unfortunately things in my home will not change. The only way it can change is if her father realizes how inappropriate his daughter is behaving, and tries to change it. However at this time in her life I fear it is too late. He obviously has shown her no discipline for the past 16 years. Or showed her the difference between right or wrong. He has not taught her about respect. And has tried to be her best friend instead of her father. And in turn I believe she misunderstands the kind of relationship they have.
It is all very serious. I however do not have the ability as a step parent figure to say or do anything about it Because he consistently has taken away my ability to have a say in anything.

You refer to "your" home - did he and his daughter move in with you?

Why are you staying in the relationship? They both sound very disrespectful, and I believe the situation will only get worse.

Have you considered counselling for one or all of you, individually or together?

Quote:

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Navygir_girl, for the next 6 years, keep leacing the room. Your discomfort, your friends discomfort is completely irrelevant. Their relationship 100% trumps yours, as it should.

My advice to you matches my original advice to sierra98008:

I do NOT agree that she should simply just keep leaving the room and that their relationship trumps hers. That's completely crazy.

No, it is not okay for a 14 year old to behave like a baby with her father. You are a mother figure and you have just as much of a say as he does. He chose to marry you and raise children together which means he should value your opinion and womanly perspective on her behavior. He may be oblivious to just how inappropriate her behavior is because he is a male, a father of a teenage girl. So to him if she is acting like a baby then it's easier to deal with than her acting too grown up. As far as acting like he is her boyfriend. That's disturbing and I fully understand why you would leave the room. My best advice to you is to spend more girl time with her because she may be lacking in that department and is lashing out in a childish immature way. Ie: acting like a baby and seeking too much of daddy's attention. I do not agree with you being over dramatic because she "trumps" you. There are 2 different relationships and you and the public should be able to see the difference. If its so noticeable that she is behaving inappropriatly then it is something that needs to be addressed.