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SadMom77, Don't feel sorry for him anymore. Don't give him anymore explanations of why your not giving him the money just shut him down. Act like what ever he is saying to you is coming in one ear and going out the other. Remember your doing this for yourself and not only for you but for him too. Be Strong Marsha!!Quote:
Originally Posted by SadMom77
Thank you Silly Girl. I am ashamed to say that after we spoke and he explained how much it hurts him that we actually have relatives, including his father and uncle, who will have nothing to do with him and it hurts him so much on holidays and his birthday that I did feel sorry for him and gave him $200 of the $500.00.
He knows I do have a plan of action regarding the eviction proceedings.
You see the problem I am having is that when I previously took him to therapists they all said he suffered from Major Depression. When my Dad, his only male who loved him, passed away, this is when his acting out began. He ended up in a mental hospital twice for losing control. I called the police and they took him to the hospital.
I know I probably look like a real chump to all of you as I look like one to myself. But I love him so so much.
When I was a child I was almost raped and almost knifed to death. I was told by the doctors that there was so much scar tissue inside that I would never have a child. So, although I conceived my son on the literal night I split up with his father, I still saw him as my blessing in life for persevering and always taking the high road in my decisions.
I believed that if I was true to myself and only acted out of love that everything would be OK. But I was wrong. Love does not conquer all.
I hope everyone on this wonderful site does not hate me for acquiescing and giving him the $200. It was just that he had purchased speakers for his car stereo on the condition that I would be giving him money to pay it off. Although 19, he has excellent credit and when he charges things he pays them off immediately. I had promised him the money up front.
I told him, if, after a month, he proves he knows the difference between respect and disrespect he may receive the other $300.00.
I hope you all don't throw your hands up in disgust but I am the only person he has. My Mom, is, I'm afraid getting Alzheimers and doesn't remember things and is not the same person he used to know.
We have no other family and this is his heartache.
He is rational enough to understand that I cannot fix this and that he will one day marry and have his own family but at holidays and his birthday he flips out.
I'm having dog trouble this morning. My next door neighbor dogs keep jumping the fence and no matter how high I keep stacking bricks on top of the high fence the one keeps jumping higher.
Anyway, thanks to you and Starbucks and you all for your help.
Nobody here thinks you're a chump, and we are not throwing our hands up in disgust at all. You are not expected to follow everything we have to say, and you're not judged it you don't follow the advice given. You've had what sounds to me, like a pretty hard life. You know your circumstances and details of your own situation.Quote:
Originally Posted by SadMom77
Sometimes when we give our opinions, I can imagine how you might say to yourself... well easy for you to say, you don't know what we've been through. And, you're absolutely right, we don't. He's your son, and I think we all understand just how much you love him. Was it the best choice to give him the money because you got to feeling sorry for him? Probably not. Will you do it again?. maybe.
The point is that he needs to learn how to treat you like the loving mother you have tried to be to him, and realise that he has to respect you and your home. He knows that if he makes you feel bad, that you will back down and give him whatever he wants. You can't take the blame for what his father or others did when they abandoned him. It's just simply not your fault. But I get the feeling your son uses that as a bargaining tool with you.
I am more worried about your safety when your son gets into his depressive state and takes it out on you. You still need to make sure he leaves your home, so you can protect yourself and your mother. I wouldn't put that off. Go get the papers and get them filled out. I do know that in some places you do have to go through legal channels in order to have him removed from the premises, but if he even so much as raises a finger to you, I hope you don't hesitate to get on your phone and call 911. That way it will be out of your hands and dealt with by the police, and you will know where you stand.
Best of luck to you.
That was well said Starbuck8, I agree in every word you said.
Sadmom77, we don't hate you we are here to help each other out and you do was best for yourself and your family. That is really sad that your son doesn't have that male roll model and that's probably the reason why he's acting like that. Is your son's father part of his life? If not, you should talk to his father and ask for his help. Your son probably needs that love from a male and especially from his father. It will probably take some time but it doesn't hurt to try.
Thanks so much for replying to me and saying what you did. In regard to the violence, that was after my Dad passed in 2003. He did not purposely try to hurt me. I was going to the door to call the police and he grabbed my arm and kind of whipped me away from the door; I grabbed it with the other and he did the same thing. That's how I got tendinitis in my shoulders. They were frozen for awhile. I did call the police and he was hospitalized. The following year, around the holidays season he began to show that type of behavior and I again called the police.
Now his abuse is verbal/psychological. What I'm doing is keeping a diary in my appointment of his behaviors. I ultimately rate each day + or -. In three weeks if he has any minuses he will not get the remainder of the money and I will proceed with the eviction (I hope).
You see, because I went through violence as a child I acted out. I did drugs and tried suicide many times. My Dad had a heart attack so when I graduated high school she said she didn't want me to kill my Dad so she kicked me out. I survived but it took me a really long time to complete my B.A. and M.S. That's why it's hard for me to kick him out. It is so tiring to work all day and go to school at night and study, study, study.
But I do believe I'm getting closer. And, actually posing my question and getting all of these responses have been a really great experience for me. I believe all of the responses were correct-on an intellectual basis.
If you are familiar with the Myers-Briggs personality test I am an introvert,intuitive,feeling,
Person. It is so, so hard for me to make decisions with my head rather than my heart and my gut.
That's why I think if I keep a behavioral diary it may help.
But thank you so much, SillyGirl. You've been great.
SadMom
Ok I'm so hurt by this I almost cried! Well first of all you are his MOTHER! You brought him in this world! You are a single mom and have had to do it by yourself and you need to step up! Start to call the police and start fighting back! I don't care how you do it but do it! Stand up for yourslef, who does he think he is treating you like that he has no right to live in your house under your roof and treat you like that! You are a grown woman and you need to let him know that! Now I would try to talk to him first and let him no that it is just wrong to treat your mother or anyone like that! I hope this helps you find the inner fight that is in there!
I am somewhat familiar with the Myers-Briggs PT... although it has been some time now. I believe my results were quite similar to yours, although like I said, it has been some time. I also find it hard to think with my head sometimes, rather than my heart, especially when the situation is personal.Quote:
Originally Posted by SadMom77
I know in my head that I should really trust my gut, because in the end my guts usually right! But when it's something that's so close to you, it's really hard to be objective. I know that you probably understand exactly what I mean. It's really hard if you have that pre-disposition to your personality. But... if you have that personality type, it also gives you the ability to be objective when you are on the outside looking in on someone else's dilemna's.
I think it's a GREAT IDEA that you are keeping a diary of how your son treats you. Thumbs up for that one for sure! And, it sounds like you are just in a bad place right now and really needed some encouragement and reinforcement. You pulled out of what sounds to me to be a hard upbringing, and obviously you don't want your son to feel abandoned like you felt. But, he also needs the chance to figure it out on his own like you did.
It was probably very hurtful when your parents kicked you out, but you survived it, and got your B.A. and M.S. At least you set a good example for him, and you will probably find that he was watching you, and he got to see that it takes hard work to make something of himself. He's probably got a chip on his shoulder because right now he thinks he got cheated out of a caring father, and a male figure in his life... as well as other family members. He's obviously going to take that out on you, because you are the closest person to him I would assume.
Just stick to your guns, and tell him he is old enough to know what the word respect means, and that he will regret not respecting you when it comes right down to the wire. It might also be a good idea, in the meantime, to pack a few of his things and keep them somewhere close... so if he acts up out of the blue, you can throw them to him, and tell him not to let the door hit him in the A$$ on his way out! (Again I don't mean that you should wait until then, if he gets physical again... in that case protect yourself first and call 911)
I sure hope things get better for you, and your son realises how much you love him. :)
Thank you Starbucks, I think you read me very well. Yes, I do understand objectively what I'm doing. And, worse, if I was my own client, I would be saying the same things you all have said. I'm also thinking of tape recording when he has his rages so he can hear himself when he has calmed down.
If these strategies don't work then, yes, I will take action. I promise.
Thanks to you too Tigerlilly.
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