Ask Me Help Desk - How to handle my Teenage daughter with dangerous behavior

No, you are not a bad mom!

Doing well around animals and babies does bring something up. Neither can talk, in words. She may be a high-functioning-autistic and goes into overload easily. Silence and darkness can be golden to such individuals. Most of us simply tune out the TV, or the babble of a playground. What if you couldn't?

The baby with colic that she once was could still have a food allergy.

I'm sorry you are all going through this. I do believe that you did the right thing by " letting her go " even though it's killing you inside to some degree. You are a mom and you do the best that you can. Nobody is perfect and we all make mistakes. You do, she does, etc. I do believe that your daughter will come back to you one day. I wouldn't hold your breath for it to come soon but it will come. I give you a lot of credit because I know for years I've been feel guilty for not doing everything right in my life. I've been letting the kids walk all over me for years and acted like a whimp about it. Only until recently I got tough and grew a darn spine and started taking a stand, once and for all. Just keep saying prayers that she is all right and focus on your family at home. Do what you can to keep your attitude in check. If you are upset with your daughter, just check in with yourself if you are getting upset with others. Communicate your feelings with your family as well so that they can support you. Try to keep the dramatic stories out of the picture. Just don't bring them up to keep the vicious cycle going. Trust yourself that you are doing what you think is best for everyone. This doesn't mean that you don't love your daughter either... it just means you are being a stand! A child never forgets their parents no matter what! Whatever she's angry about, time will heal itself! Your daughter is in the " Me " stage and sounds like she has been in that stage and will continue for some time. Let her hit rock bottom and eventually she will return and learn to appreciate what she no longer has.

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Originally Posted by Blame_Mom

Thank you all so much for the advice and support! Your opinions are appreciated - and needed!

This is the second time this year we have asked her to leave. Her father calls her 'toxic' - wonder if this is a viable diagnosis? (kidding, of course).

Although she has been 'diagnosed' several times and evaluated by many, many child and adolescent specialists, I suspect they might be overlooking the obvious: I think my daughter was born like this.

No, nothing happened during my pregnancy, her birth was easy and very normal. She was brought to a loving home with siblings, parents, and grandparents, cousins, aunts and uncles all to welcome her. (Great family support system). I think she is nasty because [I]that is her personality! She was an angry, collicky baby, crying for hours on end as an infant. She was medically evaluated then and we were told that there was nothing physically (?) wrong. When she was young, we tried to teach her to be 'nicer' - she bullied the kids at her pre-school, biting another child on the cheek and drawing blood when she was just 3! When asked to apologize (sheesh, the poor kid she bit would probably have a scar for life), she did so robotically and with no remorse.

I think she has a personality defect in that she feels absolutely no sense of guilt, no remorse, no empathy. (She does however, love babies and animals and is very tender and loving to both. I have never, ever encouraged her to babysit for anyone.....that might be a real disaster. She loves our family animals and is wonderful with them). hmm

All of which lead me to believe that this behavior is a choice. She has chosen many times to suffer the consequences SHE KNOWS will result from a behavior just so she can do what she wants. (When she was little and was told ..'if you choose to do this, then this - time out, whatever - will be the consequence. She would actually THINK ABOUT IT, weigh the pay off, then do the deed and go sit in the time out chair, take the spanking, whatever the punishment was)! She didn't even think twice about it. Upping the consequences (which we thought would be easier as she got older) only resulted in her behavior escalating to 'match' the price!

Again, she never, ever, expresses guilt, and most certainly cannot connect 'responsiblity' to any of her actions.

Any one care to weigh in on this? Maybe brain damage? Genetic pre-disposition?

I just don't know.....but I do think it is best that she remain out of our home...the peace and quiet we are experiencing today is unmistakable........even the dog is calmer!

After reading this I strongly think she may have Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Borderline Personality Disorder. My mother is narcissistic and the symptoms match your daughters behaviour. Im not a doctor but growing up with my mother and living with her in that condition it seems pretty close. She is incarcerated now (for murder), hopefully your daughter can get help before her actions go that far.

Hope I helped.

I can't believe that all of the professionals have offered no diagnosis.

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Originally Posted by concernedmomma1

I can't believe that all of the professionals have offered no diagnosis.

I can believe it because most of the so called professionals are not all that well educated.
They are taught some basics and go with the book knowledge and have no individual what do you do in this case? etc...
I went through it with my son for 10 years and all they would do was say he is ADHD, ADD and ODD. I asked them why does he get so violent and out of control then.
They give pat over all answers like it is too hard to diagnose things like schizophrenia,
Paranoia, etc... in children; besides we do not like to label them. When you label them it makes them like an outcast. Etc, etc, blah, blah, blah.
All they are concerned about for the most part, as far as I can see, is get them hooked on the ADHD drugs to stablize them so they are not a problem to society and one day maybe they will outgrow it.

That is sad, I am going through something with my daughter and we are seeking help. I hope we get answers.

I feel for you and your situation. I too have a problem child who is now 20 years old. She has been in three long term ( 8-9 months each) locked up juvenile programs. She now has a 3 month old child and has refused to take her meds since the baby has been born.

I recently filed a restraining order against her because she was threatening to burn her little brother and say that I did it. I made her and my grandchild ( that she is trying to use as a pawn) leave the house. I also have an 18 year old son, a 17 year old daughter and a 2 year old from a new marriage that live in the house. Making my daughter leave was hard but well worth it. I have had so many problems with my 17 year old in the last year I really felt that she was turning out to be like her sister. We are beginning to feel that hers is more of a learned behavior (from seeing her sister and how the systems works over the years) and pot smoking.
The daughter I kicked out has been diagnosed with ADD, ODD and Bi-polar. I always wonder where I went wrong... My kids also were raised all the same but the oldest one has always been the center of all of our lives since she was about 4-5 years old.

No you are NOT a bad mother... My friends all wonder how I have been able to survive without killing her and ending up in jail myself. At one time I even tried to sign her over to the state but they told me they didn't do that anymore because they have too many kids and nowhere for them to go.

I truly feel that one of the biggest problems is our juvenille system. They let the kids get away with murder. They do not back up the parenst and they give the kids too many rights.
I live in Florida and if your teen pays for their own cell phone, you can't take it away as a punishment because it's considered their property...
My youngest duaghter (17 but will be 18 in Nov.) is on probation and that's a joke also.
They have all these rules listed but yet the child can break them and nothing is done... so why have the rules... then they try to blame the parents for not following through...
I'm so over it. I always say that my girls have totally wore me out. I would have taken a house full of boys compared to my 2 girls anyday.

When I gave birth at 40, I had prayed for a boy.. and thank god my prayers were answered. If it was a girl I would have had to kill it by the time she reached 12-13.

My prayers are with you.. You are not a bad parent and you are not give up on her you are just chosing not to put up with her.

There have been many times I have wanted to kick out my 17 year old but she's seen the system and how it works her whole life... so when I tell her to get the hell out she says " No thanks, I like it here so I think I'll stay." She KNOWS that legally I can't kick her out until she is 18. I've also tried locking her out of the house and she just satnds at the door saying should I call 813-247-8000 (sherriff's office) or are you going to let me in?

It just makes me even more upset. All I can tell you is to pray, pray and pray more until she is 18. If you have to let her come back until she's 18... don't give her any privledges. Don't let her drive ( lock the keys in a safe every night). Don't buy any of her favorite food. ( by law all you have to do is provide food and shelter) Food can consist of beens and rice.. . ( lock everything else up in your bedroom).

Oh and in Florida your kids are allowed to break into your room.. they can even knock the door down if they want to because that's where they live... believe me, we've been through that whole thing.

So get a big safe, pray and count the days until she's 18. Hopefully one day she will realize everything you have done for her.

Good Luck... If you ever need to talk, I'm here for you.

Yvette

You have just done what I have done to my own daughter who is 15. I have had very similar experiences to you, and have tried everything in my powers to help her.. She doesn't want the help that is the bottom line. It has now affected my 9 year old ( who is very well behaved and a lovely girl ) very badly. She is a nervous wreck. I can not live or take this no longer. It is very difficult beause of her age, social services have let me down in a big way. If I was a drug addict or neglected her etc, I would have got the help. My oppion is that she needs to be put in a secure unit for her own safety. She is a chronic asthmatic on loads of medication, but chooses to smoke and take drugs.. Until you go through this with a child, you don't just get how hard it is.. And to ask your child to leave or tell them they are not coming back is the most terrible thing as a mother to do, but sometimes you have no choice. I pray to god I don't get that call she is dead every night.. I hope one day she will get better?? My thoughts are with you totally. The reason I've made this decesion is by law social services have got tto do something if I don't want her here down to the safety of my younger chilkd... they forgot to tell me that one!1 Take care xx

1st off you obviously are a fantastic mom if you weren't you culdnt have done everything you have done for her & the fact tat your upset proves you love her unconditionally I must say tat most doctors only want your money when it comes 2 mental illness I undrstnd a bit of what you are dealn w when I was 15 I was hospitalized & put my mthr through hell 4 yrs before that what finally fixd me was when she snt me 2 my grndmthrs away frm evry1 and everything I knew there was no phone no friends no school & if I disobeyed I was punished severely it

Was a major wake up call I wasn't allowed to talk to my mom or nethng & being away from all the luxeries of home was hard I think if you could do something like that it may help her I mean its worth a shot I was in the country nothing for miles around & I don't know your daughter but I know I was horrible & it worked for me I hope you all the best & hope 1 day your daughter will come to u & hug u & say I love you mom & I'm sorry for everything. ~blessed be~

This thread is from 2008! Please check dates before posting.

Thank you.

Let me see a new person comes to this site and in their first few answers, pick out threads over a year old. Does no one even check dates