He is in denial because he probably doesn't know how to handle her himself.
He has no idea how to handle a hormonal 18 yr female but he does not want to admit to it.
Plus like J_9 said about losing a parent he may feel like she is the only thing to remind him of his deceased wife so babies her.
You and him need a counselor to explain it to him even if she doesn't want to go.

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Originally Posted by J_9

You say you have 2 children. Did their father die or was it divorce?

You see when a parent dies many times the living parent tries to make up for the death of the other parent, and sometimes these children become spoiled. Her mother died at 8, most likely he tried to make up for the loss by spoiling her.

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It was from a divorce. Their father and I get along great. His new wife and I are friends and we co parent really well.

I think you are right that he is trying to make up from the other parent dying. Her mom passed away in her sleep from complications from junvenille diabetes. Which we have had our daughter tested and she doesn't have it. I have told her that I am not her mother and want to be her friend. When she would hide pictures of her mother I would find them and have put them in frames and given them to her to put in her room. Even ones of her mom and dad together. I thought I had been in touch with her spirituality needs in this department by not trying to replace her mom. Just to help . I thought we had a lot in common because my mom is gone as well.
But she is way way spoiled. All I have asked is that she just grow up a little. But I think she is scared to even do that.

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Originally Posted by N0help4u

He is in denial because he probably doesn't know how to handle her himself.
He has no idea how to handle a hormonal 18 yr female but he does not want to admit to it.
Plus like J_9 said about losing a parent he may feel like she is the only thing to remind him of his deceased wife so babies her.
You and him need a counselor to explain it to him even if she doesn't want to go.

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Yes he is in denial. And I know he doesn't know how to handle her and handling an 18yr female by yourself being a man would be a hard chore even for a woman.
I have tried to get him to counseling but he refuses to go. He's ex army and feels that this is not an option to solving personal issues.

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Originally Posted by Altenweg

Personally, I would just ignore her. No more money, no more privleges, just pretend she doesn't exist. She wants to break you two up and you are letting her do it. Who's the adult here? Tell hubby that you are done dealing with her, it's up to him now. Tell him that you are going to act like she's not here, otherwise you will end up leaving or kicking them both out. Hopefully she'll realize that she can't get you angry and she will stop. She's acting like a child, so treat her like one. Just my opinion.

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I have tried that. It went on for over a month. She was upset because I had Nascar tickets for Vegas in Feb and took everyone else and made her stay home because of her grades an the attitude. She didn't talk to me for over a month and then just started 1 week ago and I was cordial and then she started up again. It's a little hard to be in the same house and have her not clean up after her self and so I am left to do it because I can't stand letting them pile up. Her dad won't make her do anything. Yes she is acting like a child the issue is that she is 18 and needs to get a clue and get the hell out of my business and let me have my relationship with my husband. But I don't think it is going to happen. Thanks for the help. I don't mean to sound rude! I am just hurt.

There really isn't much else you can do. When a kid sees the parents disagreeing they use it to their advantage to manipulate them against each other and they getting what they want.
Especially when it involves a step parent.
She has already told you what she wants --you two to break up so.
So dad has to now be the one to tell her how it is going to be because she will never listen to you. If he doesn't you either have to live with it or tell them goodbye. THEY really haven't left you much options.

Sorry, I did pick that up this time reading through, it's your house. Your right, he should leave, not you.
Did this start when you two got married, or they moved in with you? I agree with J_9, she sees you as someone trying to take her mothers place. That's not your fault! I've heard a lot of stuff about kids reacting this way, but very little of the stories have the 'new' parent trying anything. You are a great mom there, it's just sad that she can't see that.
I think you should get your husband to see a councillor with you and give him a choice, leave the house or try to work it out. If he really loves you, he should give it a try.
You are a great woman, and mom.

She is rude and disrespectful, but your husband is the problem. She is his daughter and he is allowing her to disrespect you and disrupt your marriage.
Instead of worrying about putting her out, you need to have a long talk with your husband and tell him HE needs to do some counseling or figure out what to do, or he and his daughter need to go.

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Originally Posted by haddenk0705

I have tried that. It went on for over a month. She was upset because I had Nascar tickets for Vegas in Feb and took everyone else and made her stay home because of her grades an the attitude. She didnt talk to me for over a month and then just started 1 wk ago and I was cordial and then she started up again. It's alittle hard to be in the same house and have her not clean up after her self and so I am left to do it because I can't stand letting them pile up. Her dad won't make her do anything. Yes she is acting like a child the issue is that she is 18 and needs to get a clue and get the hell out of my business and let me have my relationship with my husband. But I don't think it is going to happen. Thanks for the help. I don't mean to sound rude! I am just hurt.

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You weren't rude, I know that you're feeling hurt. It's obvious that you care about her, otherwise I don't think her behaviour would hurt you that much. Have you considered family couselling? That's the only thing I can think of, you've obviously tried to get through to her and your husband to no avail. Maybe it's time to get proffessional help before your family splits apart because of this. Keep your head up and don't give up. I hope things get better.

Take care and Good Luck.

I can only imagine what you are going through right now. I have not been in that situation myself, but I have been the lazy, messy "stepdaughter". I believe that it truly is just a faze. The more you push her, the less motive she will have to do anything. I know that it sounds twisted, but it is what it is. Unfortunaly you are the "bad guy" right now. What I would do if I were you would be to ignore her. She is in fact 18 years old, and from what I get you've only been in her life for a short amount of time. Let yourself grow on her. And when you stop giving the advice, and help that she takes for granted, she will soon realize, and miss. Like I said earlier, I was in that position not to long ago, my motivation to get on my feet and get focused prob won't be the same as hers, but she'll pull through. All good things happen with do time, look at me, Im 21, live on my own, and am a full time college student, as well as a can! You can only guide a horse to the water, you can't make it drink!

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The problem is that the house is mine

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That's not the problem, that's your solution. Kick 'em all out, until they show the proper respect. I include your so called perfect husband, in this as if he can't be a better dad, and support you, and make a united front, he goes too! Give them a 30 day notice yesterday.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

That's not the problem, thats your solution. Kick 'em all out, until they show the proper respect. I include your so called perfect husband, in this as if he can't be a better dad, and support you, and make a united front, he goes too! Give them a 30 day notice yesterday.

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You are right on spot again my man.

Does your husband work some other job rather than 9-5? It sounds as if he's gone days at a time or something.

Sit down with Dad and create a written set of rules and make all people living in the house sign it. These are the same rules they've always been - but now they are written down. Also discuss what the punishment is for broken rules - this being made together takes away the "you are being to harsh" statement. If Dad says anything against what you've all come up with, bring out the contract with his signature on it and say "here ya go" - this is what YOU agreed to and the rules all must follow or... happens.

Once she is an adult - you are not obligated to take care of her. However... if you want to kick anyone out of your home - check with the police dept... in Wisconsin, they have to be evicted just like renters - eviction notice, etc. We came VERY close to doing that with my step son... but then he "ran away" on his own... and hasn't lived with us since (not for lack of trying... I refused to have him live with me - if Dad wanted to "help" him, he could go, but MY choice was to never have him live with me as an adult and I could / did make that choice.

Good Luck!

Probably why she changed in the last 6 months like you said is because the magic number 18 is looming very large over the horizon and school is almost over and she knows that means you can legally tell her to vamoose out of your household. How does she feed herself? Do you take her meals to her in her room? Does she sit at the table and glare? Who buys her the junk food? It's basically a clash of wills at this point and you seem to be the one who is caving in right now as you are too uptight about this whole situation. May I suggest totally banishing her to her room - meals included? I am sure this will get very boring after while for her. She is rebelling about having to end school and actually take a stab at growing up. She is scared silly if you ask me and her lashing out at you is quite typical behavior of someone in her situation. She is blaming everything wrong with her on you. The old transferral game as my mother would put it. Just think about this for a moment, please. You may be a normal mom who likes a clean, neat home. She is literally grasping onto her childhood with both hands and doing everything in her power to keep it that way. Take the car away for starters. Keep your hands out of her room and resist the urge to clean it up. She knows just how to push your buttons, honey, I can see that in big neon signs from here. It may be your house but she doesn't give a poop who's house it is. She sounds like she needs some kind of mental health. Try seeing if you can get someone to make a housecall and assess her in her true environment now. The other test was not valid as it was done in some dr's office and I'm sure they had no clue as to just how she really lived and acted.

The exmilitary guy is letting her push him around and he's taking it. He sure has a lot of guilt baggage he's carrying around still from her mom's death. Unfortunately you are the only one suffering in this situation. Making them feel miserable is not going to help things here. This situation will have to play itself out. You might end up alone due to it. If that proves to be the case, so be it. They were not for you. You can only beat yourself up so much and for so long and then your health will suffer from all the stress.

Since she is 18 you may file a formal eviction notice and evict her from your home but that will only cause WWIII with your husband.