Ask Me Help Desk - My Daughter and her unruly 12 year old son

Ok Well With His Talking Back I Found What Worked Best For Me, Was Not To Argue Back With Him, Let Him Know Once You Are The One In Charge And The One That Gets The Last Word, If He Continues To Back Talk Send Him To Another Room Immediately If He Mumbles Under His Breath While Walking Away You Won. Because He Walked Away And Didn't Try To Fight You, Cut Him Off When He Starts Don't Give Him A Chance To Finish... it Ticked Mine Off At First But After Being Sent To His Room Enough He Got It. The Best Phrase I Used Was "i'm Done Discussing This, If You Would Like To Discuss It Farther Do So Alone" And Walk Away Yourself. Eventually He May Give Up, Some Kids Are Tough Tho. As Far As Him Thinking He Does Nothing Wrong, I Wish I Could Help There, Haven't Had To Deal W/ That One Much, But When Kc Would Try To Justify His Actions, Me Knowing He Was Wrong I Won't Have It. I Do The Same As Above Waalk Away And Leave Him Talking To Himself

Thanks Amber, I just told my husband that same thing, as a man he seems to want to fight it out till the death. LOL
He needs to know who is boss and that is what will happen from now on... to your room Jesse!

Best Of Luck To You And Your Husband And I Really Hope It Makes Things A Little Easier For You. But Yea Hubby Lol By Argueing Back You Are Handing Your Power Over To A Child. Took Me A Bit Of Time To Realize This Too

It is kind of hard not to get angry sometimes, but really it is the most imortant thing to NOT do, I agree completely! Tell us how the appointment goes. I wish you well too. And hey don't be a stranger, sounds like you may be able to help many of the people going through some of the same things, like you have with me! It sure helps to talk about it, that is for sure! Jesse go to your room... LOL

Lol you're a mess and yes you are right it does help to talk about it. Another thing i remembered from my own parent counseling... if they ask why, just point in the direction they are supposed to be going. Don't verbally respond again this gives him the power. He knows why you are sending him, he asks because he is hoping for another power struggle. Be strong cause it is hard to keep your cool... ok now for the dr appt. he upped one of his meds, said it wouldn't stop the behaviors but it "MIGHT" help with the severity of them. He has told kc he is well on his way into the system if his behaviors continue. My child found this funny:eek: he told kc if his behaviors didn't change before the court date the judge was probably going to be a little more harsh in punishment than he would if kc got it together, kc said i would if i didn't have to go back to school:eek: again. Anyway take care and if you'd like i don't know how we'd be able to email directly to one another... amber

Quote:

Originally Posted by amberstar

LOL YOU'RE A MESS AND YES YOU ARE RIGHT IT DOES HELP TO TALK ABOUT IT. ANOTHER THING I REMEMBERED FROM MY OWN PARENT COUNSELING....IF THEY ASK WHY, JUST POINT IN THE DIRECTION THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE GOING. DON'T VERBALLY RESPOND AGAIN THIS GIVES HIM THE POWER. HE KNOWS WHY YOU ARE SENDING HIM, HE ASKS BECAUSE HE IS HOPING FOR ANOTHER POWER STRUGGLE. BE STRONG CAUSE IT IS HARD TO KEEP YOUR COOL.........OK NOW FOR THE DR APPT. HE UPPED ONE OF HIS MEDS, SAID IT WOULDN'T STOP THE BEHAVIORS BUT IT "MIGHT" HELP WITH THE SEVERITY OF THEM. HE HAS TOLD KC HE IS WELL ON HIS WAY INTO THE SYSTEM IF HIS BEHAVIORS CONTINUE. MY CHILD FOUND THIS FUNNY:eek: HE TOLD KC IF HIS BEHAVIORS DIDN'T CHANGE BEFORE THE COURT DATE THE JUDGE WAS PROBABLY GOING TO BE A LITTLE MORE HARSH IN PUNISHMENT THAN HE WOULD IF KC GOT IT TOGETHER, KC SAID I WOULD IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO BACK TO SCHOOL:eek: AGAIN. ANYWAYS TAKE CARE AND IF YOU'D LIKE I DUNNO HOW WE'D BE ABLE TO EMAIL DIRECTLY TO ONE ANOTHER....AMBER

Oh goodness, that boy. How is he when he does something wrong, is he compassionate or does he think it is just another day? I wonder about that because that is the important part here. Maybe a harsh punishment is what he needs?

Amber do you see the little blue envelope flashing upin the right hand corner of your screen? Click on it! Hee hee

Quote:

Originally Posted by startover22

Oh goodness, that boy. How is he when he does something wrong, is he compassionate or does he think it is just another day? I wonder about that because that is the important part here. Maybe a harsh punishment is what he needs?

He acts as if it's a game and when the behaviors are over he acts victimized, i guess because he didn't get away with it. Lately it's been anger. Not expressed physically but facial ya know looking like he is ready to take on the world. Then it goes to him acting like it's just another day like nothing has happened

I had a step son that was almost as bad as this boy. I tried everything and it just seemed that he was too far gone. Nothing worked and it aided in destroying my marriage. For five years I quit work because I feared leaving my step son alone with my son. I can understand the frustration amberstar is feeling. It is a terrible thing to live in a house where you fear for your children’s safety as well as your own. After a while you can't sleep or even eat with out feeling sick. Eventually you begin to feel that you might explode and lose it yourself. No one can be expected to live like this for long. I don't know what the answer is and I know you haven't took giving up on your own blood lightly. You are however obligated to keep your children safe from harm even if that is from one of your other children. I see nothing wrong in this situation to have him put in a home as long as you continue to visit him and let him know that you love him. If there were only one child involved I might see this differently but there are other children to consider.

I see, I thought that might be the case. What does the doctor say about that, because when and if he REALLY hurts someone or his self it may be too late. Are you going to wait for the court date to see what happens to him then? I guess we will need to know his punishment and then go from there, they may ask for him to be held by the state if they see fit, and truthfully, for the families sake I wonder if that will be a good thing for him?

First Of All Stonewilder I Am So Sorry To Hear About Your Marriage, That Is A Hard Situation.
Startover, I Agree With You Both About Placement Being Best Because I Am Afraid To Let My Other Children Play With Him Supervised Or Otherwise And It Makes Me Feel Terrible Because My Youngest Son Loves Kc So Much And Wants To Hang Out With Him. But The Habits And The Inappropriate Language Is Tiring To Be Honest. I Talked To His Dr Today About Me Seeing One Of The Psychiatrist , Because It's To The Point Where I Feel Tense 24/7 And If We R Anything Like Balloons Too much Pressure And Something's Popping. Lol So Hopefully They Can Get Me Some Help As Well To Be Able To Better Handle This

Quote:

Originally Posted by stonewilder

I had a step son that was almost as bad as this boy. I tried everything and it just seemed that he was too far gone. Nothing worked and it aided in destroying my marriage. For five years I quit work because I feared leaving my step son alone with my son. I can understand the frustration amberstar is feeling. It is a terrible thing to live in a house where you fear for your children’s safety as well as your own. After a while you can't sleep or even eat with out feeling sick. Eventually you begin to feel that you might explode and lose it yourself. No one can be expected to live like this for long. I don't know what the answer is and I know you haven't took giving up on your own blood lightly. You are however obligated to keep your children safe from harm even if that is from one of your other children. I see nothing wrong in this situation to have him put in a home as long as you continue to visit him and let him know that you love him. If there were only one child involved I might see this differently but there are other children to consider.

For some reason I never caught this till now. I have a friend and it put a huge barrier between her and her husband. I know she worked hard and was very loving, tried everything with her step son. I could see how it would furt a relationship. I agree if it means he must go, then make sure you still keep with him when you can, that could make a world of difference to him and how he takes the treatment they give him! I think you know that though Amber!;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by wanda_drewery

My daughter has been having trouble with her 12 year old son. This trouble consists of violence, sexual abuse of a younger sibling, running away and threats of killing and or harming himself and other family members. He has just within the past three years returned to his mother after he was taken from her by her exhusband and his mother. He has been in and out of group homes since she(my daughter) has regained custody of him. He has been on ADHD meds since the age of 3. His dad returned him to my daughter when he could no longer control him and he (the child) assaulted his grandfather with a golf club.
She is at her wits end and is now looking to relinguish her parental rights.
my question is: how would she go about religishing her rights? What is involved?

Thank you, Wanda Drewery

First let me ask a question, could it be that maybe the child is on the wrong medication? The reason I ask is that my son was diagnosed with what they thought was ADHD,even though I did not feel like this diganosis was correct. He was placed on ADHD medication and things went down hill from there. Turns out he is bipolar, and when you give a bipolar child ADHD medication, their symptoms actually worsen. They immediately pulled him off that medication and put him on medication for bipolar. Now it has taken some time to get the right combination, but it has worked. I would definitely look into this as a possibility.

Shile, I agree with you about the meds not being right, and the dr he was seeing before used him as her personal guinea pig it seemed like. We are seeing a new dr and he seems to know what's what. And actually his bi polar has been dimissed pretty much them saying he is not nor has he ever been bi polar. I don't know I'm not a dr and even though I live with him I still have no clue what I am talking about is the "professional" reaction I get.. . startover how are you and yours doing?

Amber, things aren't too bad, thank you for asking. Been using the go to your room thing, and Wa La! They (not just Jesse) don't like it too much in there.
I sense you are upset Amber, how is he doing and what are the doctors going to do to help now? How did his court date come out? Or is that in January? Anyway, I hope you are all right, you sound distressed in your last post! Hug, Start

HI startover, I am so glad to hear things are working out, no court date yet still waiting to hear from that. No wasn't upset I guess I need to change my wording a bit huh? I guess I get aggravated just talking about the dr's and meds. He has actually been doing well during his month long break from school, the worry I guess will begin when school starts back, he has already expressed his lack of enthusiam. We've put some tools in place with the teacher to maybe help keep him in school. Fingers crossed they will have some effect. Take care :)

Oh Amber, I sure hope it goes OK. I wonderif a secondary school would be right for him, but then again they can do more damage than good sometimes. Well, I am happy to here things have been good this month! Hugs Amber... know I am here anytime you need to ramble on with me! :)

I would like to address the medication issue. If KC suffers from RAD or another attachment disorder these kids are often diagnosed as ADD, ADHD, Bipolar, etc. The worst of it is, as they get older, they are more and more influenced by their surroundings, peers, and other things they see and learn. It all becomes about attention - either negative or positive. If they see kids 'cut' they will cut. If they read a book about Multiple Personality Disorders they start showing symptoms of MPD's. If they watch a movie about someone who 'hears' voices - they begin to hear them. They will self-mutilate, they will attempt suicide, they LOVE animals, but they will harm them... in fact, if they feel unloved, they will attempt to harm others. It can get worse and worse. In addition, it is generally the person/people that they love most who will suffer the most from their anger or pain.

Let me explain it this way. If a RADish does something wrong... let's say they lie or steal... and they are NOT caught... then they believe that their primary caregiver (usually) doesn't love them enough to notice! Primary caregiver is usually bending over backwards to ALLOW the child their mistakes as they don't want to be all over them for every little thing. As parents (or parent figures) we WANT them to learn from their mistakes. But, every single time they get away with ANYTHING they feel less loved. These children often appear to love and cuddle more than most kids. They love in EXCESS and, sadly, the flip side is that they HATE in excess. The opposite of love is indifference, but for these kids - it is HATRED. So, they may keep the smiling, loving public persona, but, when they aren't being watched they do things... dangerous and horrible things sometimes. They may take the pet bird out and squeeze it to death (or near death). They may trip their baby brother on the stairs, or 'accidently' leave a door open. They may help bathe, or even swim with a younger sibling and 'accidently' hold them underwater too long in play. They may offer to make mom a sandwich, drop the lunch meat on the floor, but make that sandwich anyway... and present it with love and sweetness - seeking positive reinforcement for a job well done!

Bottom line is, without treatment, or with the wrong diagnosis, these kids are DANGEROUS. If you even slightly suspect that KC may suffer from an attachment disorder you NEED an attachment specialist. Other treatments will make him worse, not help him. The children with RAD and other attachment disorders who receive traditional therapies, drug therapies and talk therapies... they become the Jeffery Dalmer's of the world. You need to know that.

I didn't listen for many years. Please, if you visited the sites I told you about you will find a checklist. In fact, you will find it here: Signs and Symptoms of Reactive Attachment Disorder in Children and Adults. If you suspect your boy has this, PLEASE seek an attachment therapist immediately. Often these kids have complex needs. It is very easy to misdiagnose and inappropriately medicate. My adopted daughter was medicated for sleep disorders, anxiety, depression, bi-polar, etc. She happens to be better without medication - as long as everyone TELLS her that.

I hope you don't feel I am over-doing it here. I just feel that if there is a possibility that KC has an attachment disorder, every day without appropriate treatment is that much closer to you losing him (and perhaps your own life or that of one of your other children's). A dear friend of mine lost her grandson, another one is raising two children from her adopted daughter who suffers from RAD, another one's adopted daughter with RAD murdered her infant grandson. None of them received the appropriate treatment while they were under the age of 18. I hope this isn't what your son's issue is, but I would feel a lot better if you would look at that page then tell me that there is no possible way he suffers from RAD.

Hugs, Didi

Didi, thank you so much for the info, I tried to respond the other day but internet was lagging lol. I finally have a minute to sit down so I am going to research the RAD hopefully that's not the issue but if so at least we know which way to go. Thank you again and hope you had a happy new yr. just finished reading a good bit about RAD. And 8/10 symptoms fit, I am not going to jump to conclusions yet but it's just eerie to see his description sitting there more so than on a bi polar or adhd page. Thank you for are this and I will be talking to his counselors and his dr Monday I have printed this out so I am going to show it to them and get their input. It's possible the dr will probably blow it off, but I know my child a lot better than a doctor. Take care,A

Wow Amber! I have one small thing to say, don't ever let a doctor just blow you off. Your instincts should always come into play when it comes to a decision for your child, us as parents know our kids well. Hugs and lot's of luck!