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I beg to differ. As a very protective mother, and a mother, not a friend myself, I see no reason teaching the children the proper etiquette of dating at this age.
They will spend more time together only if ALLOWED. Remember who is the parent here. Limits must be set. Parents must keep the limits in check.
Yeah, some parents may give in, but are they really being PARENTS? I've "known" Bushg for a while now and I don't have a problem giving her this advice.
Ok here's my opinion.
I am 23, just came out of a year plus long relationship a couple of months ago. I started dating my first "real" boyfriend literally two days after I turned 14. My parents never told me I had to be a certain age before I started dating but later told me that if I had found someone before that they probably would have told me to wait. I say "real" because when I was 10 my best friend INSISTED that he was my boyfriend though he never asked me out lol.
The point is, 14 is a good age to start dating. Forget the "chaperoned outings" group or no, because let's be honest, what 14 year old will want to be seen with someone of the opposite sex and a parent hanging in the background. Teens aren't going to see it as "oh look his/her mom/dad cares" but more as "oh he/she has his/her mommy/daddy there, what a loser". Especially with group outings, parents dropping kids off is one thing (who else is going to drive if they're 14?) but then it's time to leave the kids alone to hang out with their friends.
I completely agree with parents being home if the date is at the house, even just one parent is enough, but not hovering. I had a couple of parties (no alcohol or anything like that just a bunch of people hanging out) and even though they were birthday parties actually, my parents stayed out of the room except for when it was time to open gifts (then again those were for my 18th and 19th birthdays so not as relevant).
I know I'm getting long-winded but I want to mention one more thing. There was a thread a while back on here where a kid had just turned 16 and had met a girl through the scouts but his mother, get this one, didn't want him SOCIALIZING with girls until he was 18 preferably 21.
So I say to the mom asking, let your daughter have a date. I say to the daughter, if she tells you to wait then you're stuck waiting and if the guy likes you enough he'll wait as well, but remember starting at 15 or 16 isn't so bad since there are parents out there that would make you wait until you're 18.
It doesn't matter what a 14 year old wants to go out and do, they are not the parent, they don't know what is best for them, the parent has to watch their children, especially in a dating situation.
Blondie,
Chaperoning does not necessarily mean that the parents are hovering over them every second, but can drop them off at the mall and set up meeting times... Taking them to the movies and the kids see one movie and the parent(s) see another at the same time etc.
They will spend more time together only if ALLOWED. Remember who is the parent here. Limits must be set. Parents must keep the limits in check.
j9 I agree totally with this statement. My husband and I talked and she can go to dances, ball games,to the mall or to a movie with him with the proper chaperones. She knows it will be an occasional date. We really had to spell it out, so that she totally understands how much time she can spend with this boy. We are not going to let it get out of hand. She also has 2 brothers in the same school. They are super protective. I really think she will be OK. She'll probably only like him for a month at the most anyway.
Just piling on here.
Know the parents. Be involved. Start to plan how you will allow dating... even if its not now, its sooner than you think, so better to think about what you want it to look like.
Our daughter, now 21, began going out with groups around 14-ish. Very public places (mall, movie, etc) and commonly with a parent around. No hanging around in a basement at some kids house unless you really, really knew the parents and you knew theyd be as present as you would be in your house. In our house the only movies that could be group watched were in public rooms. No bedrooms.
By hs it gets harder... you have a dance that freshman can attend? Well, that's starting to push the dating buttons... not that you have to date the person you go with... but it does start those wheels turning. Our daughter had her first serious boyfriend her freshman year. It was manageble. Just takes work on the parents side.
Two people hanging out together is fine, if the girl is sensible like you say she is then shel not do anything silly
I'm sure she is a sensible girl, the two of them mite even become good friends
You should be allowed to hang out with boys, my best friend is 14 and she has a boyfriend.
I've found that letting young girls be with boys 1 on 1 or in private situations too early only leads to bad things, they need to be supervised or in a public situation, even the most sensible girl can lose her head when she likes a boy and make bad decisions.
I'm just saying, she can have fun, you don't have to watch her every second, but she should not be left to her own devices totally where she could make mistakes, she is still young and will benefit from a little guidance.
Quote:
Originally Posted by younglady13
If she doesn't PARENT, though, how is her daughter going to learn the right way to do things?
She's not that strict. I think the suggestions here are sensible, and a LOT more than what I was allowed at 14.
You are absolutely entitled to your opinion.Quote:
Originally Posted by younglady13
Its not that simple, but you don't sound like a parent. Yes, you want to trust your kids... and you also need them to understand the rules and limits. If you don't think there are rules and limits to your freedoms, or at least consequences to your actions when older, you are naïve. As a parent, one of your responsibilities is to balance granting freedoms and the opportunity to make good and bad choices alongside reasonable risk managament. Over time, you loosen the ties more and more. You don't just cut them altogether on some Tuesday at 2PM when a child turns 13.
My daughter was given more freedoms at 14, then 15, then 16, etc... I do agree, as I stated earlier, that its probably "time" to start to let some of these things happen... but as I mentioned, it was always with parents around... none of this completely unsupervised, go wherever you want stuff.
We had a pretty healthy relationship with our daughter. That doesn't mean she didn't try to sneak out... that doesn't mean she always rewarded our trust with acceptable behavior... it doesn't mean she didn't get caught drinking in HS or not being where she promised shed be... trust is given, but tied to a history of making good choices... and its not just black and white as saying if you don't trust them they'll not trust you...
I could give my daugter $1000, the keys to the car, and say "have a nice summer vacation" and shed be fine, making good decisions on her own. Think I shouldve done that when she was 16? Nope.
Likewise, I knew kids who were making dangerous sexual decisions at 14... like it or not, a parent has to balance risk and freedoms. If being a little more present in her life and in her business more than she wanted made her feel like she wasn't trusted, well, in the long run she seems to have come through OK.
When it comes to dating hormones and emotions run mad. You don't, as a parent, say "ok kids... take the house over, close the bedroom door, we are going out for the night. buh-bye!"
Most younger people are probably going to push for more freedoms and say the adults are being too strict... and of course most parents here are going to say "tough... you dont know what you dont know"... might be hard to believe but parents "get" the position kids are in more than they think. We have been there. We have had the social pressure. We've survived the noise and we know a lot more about it than you'll expect.
But again, you can feel that we are being too tough. My daughter knew friends in HS who had no curfew at all. They could stagger into the house at whatever hour they wanted as long as they had some excuse for where they could be reached, even if they were not there.
My daughter lost 11 friends or people she at least knew during HS... as in they died. Died from racing/accidents. One from drinking. Another from a gunshot. Guess what? They all didn't come from "bad" families. But some clearly were given more freedom than they should have been.
As a parent, you cannot go back and "fix it" after an event like that. So I can live with being more strict than some. My child is alive, not pregnant, in college, and somehow she still managed to grow into a trusting, loving, happy woman.
I trust my daughter but I realize she is only 14. She trust me as well,we have a pretty good relationship.
She did go to the movies with this boy and some friends and she made him candy for his birthday... but that has been pretty much it. I asked her about him yesterday and she said she was to busy with activities and school work and her family and friends to have a serious boyfriend. But they still talk some. I think she has a pretty good head on her shoulders,, I'm sure in the future she will like another boy, but I did not think this would take long to tire of and I was right. Too Young!
know what's funny... my daughter, both in her freshman year of HS and college did the big social scene push... in HS it was constantly trying to go here or there and be active socially... in college obviously she pretty much set her own limits, but it again was that big social push. That completely on your own for the first time thing.
and in both HS and college she completely changed direction her soph year. She didn't date at all, by her own choice, cause she found other things to do... almost like been there, done that.
its why I did think in your case it was maybe time to give some freedoms with reasonable restrictions... cause after the initial exposure it isn't always as big a deal anymore. But we both know the job isn't done yet. =)
Oh, tell me about it. I had a son turn 18 llast week and my middle child/son is 16, talk about the middle child syndrome... he is driving me nuts!!
People now days have grown up so fast. I wasn't allowed to date anyone until Iwas sixteen years old. Girls are much more mature now then they were years ago. It wouldn't hurt her to hang out with boys but at the same time she shouldn't depend on them for anything. It's a life changing thing when kids start going "out". It's a learning experience and personally I think the more you allow your children to do the more they will learn out of life. They might get hurt in the end but they will learn from it and use that experience further more in the future. That's my opinion and I hope it helps you. Best of luck with the situation.
I think 14 is too young to date but I see nothing wrong with them hanging out when there is parents present (in the same room).
My mom Refused to let me go on actual dates, but she let my boyfriend walk me to and home from ball games, and home from school, she let me go hang out with him at pizza americana, and then with a different boyfriend she let me go to his house and hang out with him and his parents... its all a matter of personal choice, but letting her do small stuff like that keeps her from wanting to rebel, it also gives her an idea of what dating is like without actually letting her date. If she's responsible then she'll make the right choices. You have to trust that you taught her well enough to know right from wrong.
It's true, you have to giveyour kids a little room to breathe and not smother them, that could make them behave worse, but don't just let them go, they are, after all, kids.
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