Ask Me Help Desk - 13 year old having sex. What would you do?

13 year old having sex. What would you do?

This is going to be difficult to explain without giving away too much detail...
I will give as much as I can, let me know if you do need more.

A friends 13 year old daughter goes to stay with her father who lives an hour away. Her 17 year old brother stays home with mum. He is not the best father and lets them smoke and drink.

Daughter comes back from her fathers acting 'strange'

Skip to a few weeks later and the son is shown a photo by one of his friends.
It is a photo of the bottom half of a girl, completely naked.
He is asked what he thinks of her to which he replies "yeah not bad!"
He is then told it is his sister.

Skip to a few more weeks later.
Son reveals that he received a phone call from his sister while she was at her fathers. She claims she had been raped.
She has lied about this before so he didn't think anything of it at the time.
Same time the girl has an 18 year old boyfriend.
Ever since this story has gotten out her mother has banned her from seeing him.

Up until this happened she was a normal happy CHILD, no hint of being interested in sex at all. (or make-up - you should see photos of her, she dresses like a 20 year old)

My OH is tempted to take a long drive down to see them and have a serious chat with all people involved.

What would you do?

Call the police (since no-one else has bothered to)?
Stay out of it?
Go down and have that talk? (he would rather do it in person as he knows the phone would be hung up on him)

I think he should have the talk. If he involves the police, just yet, and I am not saying he may have to, it could get nasty for everyone. Some l3 year olds are very well developed and in warm climates are actually ready to marry, and do, but this in countries where it is common practice. So don't get your dander up guys, I don't mean in the US or Canada.

You say she has claimed rape before ?

Tick

Ask your friend if you can help... Think about what you would do if it was your child. I think the child's father should be completely out of her life. You're a good friend and that's what she needs right now. You'll do the right thing... You are a good person and you are what your friend needs right now... Blessings:)

Yes, unfortunately I don't know a lot about that other than what the brother has told us.
All he said was that she had claimed it in the past for attention.

I agree that we should hold off on the police. We don't know the 100% truth of it all but all stories we have heard have all been identical.

She was one Facebook the other day swearing like a trooper because her boyfriend had dumped her.

Could you talk to her and ask her what's going on? She sounds like a very troubled young lady.

In my honest opinion it is not your place to get involved.

Just be your friends support. Be her friend and just be the leaning shoulder but it is up to your friend to take action which sounds like she has.

Thank you Kat :)

Unfortunately the only way we can get hold of her at the moment is through her mother, who if V talks to I know it won't end up going well.

It's 3 hours drive away but might be well worth it if it is the only way he can get to talk to her.

I agree that the father should be completely cut from their life.
To put it nicely he is a f-head scumbag a-hole.

I guess I just wanted some reassurance that we are not overreacting.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jesushelper76

In my honest opinion it is not your place to get involved.

Just be your friends support. Be her friend and just be the leaning shoulder but it is up to your friend to take action which sounds like she has.

Thank you for you input Joe, it is appreciated.

I don't think the friend is taking anywhere near as much action as she should be.
The only reason she ended their relationship was because everyone found out about it and started criticizing her for letting her daughter go out with an 18 year old.

So confused :confused:

Quote:

Originally Posted by shazamataz

Thankyou for you input Joe, it is appreciated.

I don't think the friend is taking anywhere near as much action as she should be.
The only reason she ended their relationship was because everyone found out about it and started criticizing her for letting her daughter go out with an 18 year old.

So confused :confused:

Go with your gut feeling! I think the friend is maybe too hurt or shocked... The girl needs help.. Maybe her problem is more than just an eighteen year old.:confused: Not to criticize but who would let a thirteen year old date an eighteen year old:(

Quote:

Isn't their a moral/legal obligation to report this apparent rape?

Hello Jake:

Not as long as it's only an APPARENT rape. Before you call the cops, you want to KNOW there was a rape.

Excon

There's not a lot you can, or even should, do.

They need serious counseling. Family AND individual.

Thank you everyone.

I can't tell you what his decision will be until he gets home from work but I will sit him down and get him to read all of these answers.

I just wish there was something I could do.

I do agree with you Exy but there is more to the story that I can't share here. And we had no idea she was dating an 18 year old, they kept that very quiet, which means the mother knew it was wrong but chose not to do anything about it until it made her look bad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by excon

Hello shaz:

If you want to get involved in your friends life, why didn't you get involved when she let her child date an adult? Listen. I UNDERSTAND why you didn't. You were right. It was none of your business then, and it's none of your business now.

Be there for your friend. Give her all the advice you want. But, don't DO anything.

excon

Friends who are true friends... hurt for each other and they will always go the extra mile. Yes it is someone's business when they see a troubled child being taken advantage of. Two many people look the other way ecause it's easier than having the guts to "get involved". If Shaz feels like doing something to help the friend and the thirteen year old then good for her!

Better to get a little involved and maybe save the sanity of two people than to sit back and do nothing. Even if it's only advice and a shoulder to cry on. :rolleyes:

Well now she has no choice but to act, right? I am sure things will work out for all parties involved. I am sure the right decisions will be made now.

It is just to late to go back in time and say this could have been done, etc etc... It has already happened and now the decisions here out will hopefully be better to deal with this situation.

Hello K:

If the violations were clear cut, I'd be saying something else. If we knew that what was SAID was the TRUTH, I'd be saying something else. If we knew what Shaz said she can't tell us, I'd be saying something else.

But, at this point in time, we don't know anything. So, doing something based upon rumor and gossip, can only get somebody into trouble...

We DO agree about the shoulder, though.

excon

Thank you Exy.

I'm sorry I can't say everything but there are too many people that know me and know I use this forum so don't want to spill too many beans.

Biggest problem is that we can't say with any certainty what has happened, it's just rumor (except for the info about the rape allegation from her brother)
And you are right Joe, nothing can change what already has happened, I just hope we can offer some support as to what happens to her in the future.

Our shoulders will most definitely be open.

Hi, shaz!

Does the 13 year old only have one parent at home?

Thanks!

Hi Clough, yes it's just the mom at home.

There are other family members living close by but none seem to want to get involved, which is surprising considering they are a very close family.

Touchy issue, and mom allows at least some illicit activity to happen in the home, correct?

Id like to address something that seems to be overlooked. I know things are different these days and it seems that kids have gone wild with so many things. But in this case there is clear and convincing evidence that something happened. Im not saying rape as that is an unproven allegation at this time. But if the brother has seen a picture and if it was his sister then its time to act. At 13 it IS illegal. It is considered child porn. Also I would doubt that is the only one of its kind. Kids today don't understand that if anything gets to the net it is there forever. Also at 13 there may be no end to "blackmail" in the child's eyes. Look I have this and if you don't etc. SO yes you must act. You have to get involved. Maybe calling CPS or whatever Im not sure how things are in your area. But whatever is done it must be by surprise and with authority. Otherwise you could lose valuable evidence. This is no time for namby pamby actions. The accusations are serious and the consequences are dire. Teen pregnancy is a big enough problem and at her age its unimagineable. Please do something but first figure out the right thing to do and go after it like there is no tomorrow. We are talking about a young ones life and the shape it can take from here on out.

At 13 in most places now, consensual sex is still rape-statutory rape. It doesn't matter if she was forced or coerced or not.

Can the smoking and drinking be verified? Is there more than just tobacco and alcohol involved?

I am not going to jump on the 18 year old just yet, but I am very concerned that more than just her (now) ex-boyfriend is involved in this. This seems to be well into contributing to the delinquency of a minor, child endangerment, and sounds like child pornography.

You know the family. Talking might help, but I can't see this getting resolved with anything less than counseling for her (she is a possible victim), her family, and getting the court system involved. I would be very curious to find if prior accusations were dropped after an investigation or because she 'admitted' to lying. It is not uncommon for 'rape/molestation' victims to recount their accusations when they feel like they are under more scrutiny than the perpetrator.

Excellent advice Calif thank you.
I honestly didn't think about the photo in that way, I was more in the mindset of what happens when it gets forwarded around to everyone at her school.

I am not sure if the mother knows about the photo, that story was told to us by the brother only yesterday.

Clough: As far as I know (my OH knows more than I do) the mother does allow a fair bit to go on in her home.
BUT the family is fairly prudeish (is that even a word) so she knows it would be looked down upon by everyone.

Thank you Cat (we posted at the same time)

Again, I can't confirm whether he shared any illegal substances with the children but it is well known that he himself partakes in it.
The smoking and drinking can be verified by the brother but I don't know whether he would admit it to the authorities (even though they don't like their father I doubt they would say anything bad about him)

The 18 year old has issues of his own.
If they were still going out (and thank dog they aren't) that would be sorted very quickly as she isn't smart enough not to keep his name off Facebook ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by shazamataz

Thankyou Cat (we posted at the same time)

Again, I can't confirm whether or not he shared any illegal substances with the children but it is well known that he himself partakes in it.
The smoking and drinking can be verified by the brother but I don't know whether or not he would admit it to the authorities (even though they don't like their father I doubt they would say anything bad about him)

The 18 year old has issues of his own.
If they were still going out (and thank dog they aren't) that would be sorted very quickly as she isn't smart enough not to keep his name off Facebook ;)

You'll do the right thing Shaz... It's just the kind of person you are! Huggs

It sounds like the girl needs counseling at the very least.

An opening for a discussion with the mother, might be concern over the changes her daughter is exhibiting. Looking at the troubled teen aspect of what is going on and trying to stop this from getting worse. Take the spot-light off being a 'good' or 'bad' parent and putting it on normal teen behavior aggravated by family circumstances (aka: she's 'acting out'.) There may be enough truth in it to get the girl help without putting mom on the defensive about her own parenting skills or self-image.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Cat1864

It sounds like the girl needs counseling at the very least.

An opening for a discussion with the mother, might be concern over the changes her daughter is exhibiting. Looking at the troubled teen aspect of what is going on and trying to stop this from getting worse. Take the spot-light off of being a 'good' or 'bad' parent and putting it on normal teen behavior aggravated by family circumstances (aka: she's 'acting out'.) There may be enough truth in it to get the girl help without putting mom on the defensive about her own parenting skills or self-image.

I think the father is more the issue. He needs to be out of her life if he can't protect her..

The thing that is really scary is there was a story here about a 12 year old girl being prostituted out by her own father. She had slept with an estimated 150 men.

That was just before we found out about this... it just makes you wonder.

I think the idea of approaching it as a teen acting out is a good idea. Especially since the information about the boyfriend is on FB.

I know it's just my opinion but a 13 year old should barely be dating, let alone having sex and becoming a fan of "spooning" on FB (and yes her mother IS on there too!)

I know if we jumped straight in and said "you are a bad mother" all that would do is make her flare up and get us nowhere. Just approaching it gently and asking about her having boyfriends in general would be a good start.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shazamataz

The thing that is really scary is there was a story here about a 12 year old girl being prostituted out by her own father. She had slept with an estimated 150 men.

There have been some stories in our news over the past few months that make me wonder about so-called parents. What scares me is the knowledge that it is really nothing new. It is just more out in the open. :(

Very true, and very sad.

Quote:

Originally Posted by shazamataz

The thing that is really scary is there was a story here about a 12 year old girl being prostituted out by her own father. She had slept with an estimated 150 men.

That was just before we found out about this... it just makes you wonder.

I think the idea of approaching it as a teen acting out is a good idea. Especially since the information about the boyfriend is on FB.

I know it's just my opinion but a 13 year old should barely be dating, let alone having sex and becoming a fan of "spooning" on FB (and yes her mother IS on there too!)

I know if we jumped straight in and said "you are a bad mother" all that would do is make her flare up and get us nowhere. Just approaching it gently and asking about her having boyfriends in general would be a good start.

Shaz.. Be strong for your friend and I hate Facebook. Too many trusting young people out there. Too many sickos in the world. Trust your instincts... blessings

Shaz, I'm going to take Dad's point and go sideways.

The photo, being child porn, is V's reason to step in. Assume the mother doesn't know about it. Don't assume the photographer is at fault. The photographer could be the 13 y.o. but the photography itself takes the problem to a new level.

Make the drive for friendship's sake. The life you save...

Thank you Cats.

Not only does she need a talking to about sharing or allowing photos to be taken, but we also need to find out how many people have shared that photo around!

Another thing that surprised me is that the brother has a very short temper, normally the guy who had the photo on his phone would be beaten to a pulp but yet he did nothing.
I am hoping it was just the shock of seeing it. (not that I condone violence but you get my point)

Quote:

Originally Posted by shazamataz

Thankyou Cats.

Not only does she need a talking to about sharing or allowing photos to be taken, but we also need to find out how many people have shared that photo around!

Another thing that surprised me is that the brother has a very short temper, normally the guy who had the photo on his phone would be beaten to a pulp but yet he did nothing.
I am hoping it was just the shock of seeing it. (not that I condone violence but you get my point)

You all need to go find out.

The problem is, this child, I repeat, child, phoned her brother and said she had been raped. She also posted (at least) one nude picture of herself online. Several people saw it.

What we can only do is guess. Guess if she's telling the truth, guess if the father is somehow involved, guess about the boyfriend's influence over her, guess if she really was raped, guess if she's drinking, doing drugs. We can guess the meaning of conversations we were not a part of, and guess what the mother and/or father may or may not do.

That is not good enough.

I would call the CPS in this instance. If a rape did take place and it is not reported, there are consequences for everybody, not to mention the child.

She is a child, and if the parents have not stepped up, somebody has to report this and do the right thing.

My guess is this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Please, report this.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jake2008

The problem is, this child, I repeat, child, phoned her brother and said she had been raped. She also posted (at least) one nude picture of herself online. Several people saw it.

What we can only do is guess. Guess if she's telling the truth, guess if the father is somehow involved, guess about the boyfriend's influence over her, guess if she really was raped, guess if she's drinking, doing drugs. We can guess the meaning of conversations we were not a part of, and guess what the mother and/or father may or may not do.

That is not good enough.

I would call the CPS in this instance. If a rape did take place and it is not reported, there are consequences for everybody, not to mention the child.

She is a child, and if the parents have not stepped up, somebody has to report this and do the right thing.

My guess is this is only the tip of the iceberg.

Please, report this.

We will be thinking of you Shaz... Blessings:)

Yes, I agree with Kit, blessings luvvy and go do what you have to do. I am so glad you came to us with this problem and probably settled your mind on what you and your partner have to do. We are here for both of you.

Tick

Quote:

Originally Posted by tickle

yes, I agree with Kit, blessings luvvy and go do what you have to do. I am so glad you came to us with this problem and probably settled your mind on what you and your partner have to do. We are here for both of you.

tick

Shaz.. somewhere in the future that child will look at you and say "Thank you for being there, you saved my life". Bless her heart and yours. She'll never forget how kind you are. We all think that... You and Alty are so kindhearted. :)

No!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsure_11

no!

No.. Explain your answer if you'd like!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Unsure_11

no!

No to which one? :confused:

Thank you for you answer Jake.

We have decided that we will definitely be having a chat with the mother.
Hopefully this coming weekend we will be able to drive down to see them.

I have a question, can all the minors who have the photograph (mostly boys under 16) can they be charged with possession of child pornography?
I don't really want this blowing out of hand (and kids being charged) but I do want something to be done about it.

Kit: I know she won't see it that way now but hopefully in the future she will thank us.