I am a step-father to a 12 year old that is very disrespectful. This child has been head strong since day one when I entered there lives five years ago. The father had not been involved in her life until I came into the picture. This child goes to her father every other weekend and two times a week. My wife and I are professionals and have a comfortable home, the father has always lived on the other side of the tracks and has not been able to hold down a job. When the child comes home she feels since she doesn't have to do anything at her fathers why does she have to do anything at her main residence.

The child has been acting out more and more lately and has continued to verbalize, that when she doesn't like things here she wants to live with her father. She feels that she does not have to go to school and we have had to physically get her out of bed to do so. My wife and I have finally decided to let her go live with her father. Her father has never given any support money and we know that he will not be able to provide the things she need. She has had a very rough year with two grandparents dying and being bullied at school, which we have taken care of. However she continues to yell and disrespect her mother. My wife and I have a 2 year old together and the child has started to scream like her older sister using a few choice words.

We are saddened that we have to let her go to her fathers, to save the 2 year old. The 12 year old has a counseling appointment soon, but not soon enough. What can we do??

Don't let her go see the father so much, I am sure that much visitation is not court order.

Get the girl into counseling to work out the issues.

Let me see, giving up on a young girls life, letting her go into who knows what kind of life?

Parenting is a tough job, and a child only gets away with what parents allow them to get away with.

Cut down the visits to the father and tell her if she still wants to go live with him she can do so when she turns 16. But in the meantime she is a part of your family and must do as she is told. Be firm but also very caring. Children today are so confused - nothing seems to last anymore.

If you knew her internal interests, deep hidden likes, dreams, that might help, because you would know how to help make her life more interesting. Kids at 12 are living by their interests and if they didn't acquire the habit of doing chores, then they won't do it. Unless you invent something interesting, something challening to do so. One of the possibilities is to do things "together" and "with a surprise." Also, what may capture early teens interests - their intellectual or physical (or any other) success in life. Social success. Help her with it. I would find the studio, club, where kids are taught to "act," to dance, to keep posture, anything, which would help her to feel a little princess.

Does she tell you anything? How often do you listen to her stories?

If you only look at the situation from the point of view "she must" you won't reach your goal. Look at the situation from the point of view "I must, if I want my family be peace, not war."

I would too want to not let her go to her father, but I would hold my "not want" inside me. The situation may only get worse so don't risk. Just occupy her interests, her imagination and energy busy and she will not have time to visit her father! Instead she might find her step father much more attractive and supportive man.

She is in that awkward stage where she is a child and somewhat an adult. It's hard for someone her age to deal with having 2 different home scenarios (being with her father who is irresponsible and being with your family who is on the opposite side). She also maybe feeling that she somewhat does not belong since you and your wife have a child. Being a parent is extremely hard but giving up on her will not help. You and your wife need to be extremely patient, but at the same time really show her that she is loved and should not feel insecure about her place in your household. Change is tough for kids of all ages. You and your wife really need to take the time to sit with her and discuss why you are trying to give her the best life possible that her father cannot give her. Also, make sure that she understands why her behavior might affect the 2 year old who looks up to her. Just be creative with your approach because dealing with that age is very tricky. I wish you all the luck.

I am having the same problem with my fiancé son,to the point where he told the cops we where hitting him, all because we have grounded him and taken his phone away and his father has finally given him chores at the age of 12 ,his grades are all d and f's. And his teachers always have something bad to say about him. He lies about everything on any giving day at least 30 lies. He tells his father that why he should have to respect me. He also has a mother whom has never been around and has never giving child support and moves often,also very unstable especially with men. She fills his heads with lies and adult issues and when he returns frm a weekend with her he is a differ person.the list goes on and on,I also have a 8yr daugther whom does so well in school and over all/ I am to the point where I feel I need to get my things and move out for her own good and mine. When do I say no more and call it guits.

Ok this is probably going to be a little harsh. You are giving up on your 12 yr old daughter (yes, I'm saying YOUR 12 yr old daughter) "to save the 2 yr old" Are you kidding me? You don't DO that. This kid doesn't sound like she's endangering anyone's well being. She sounds like a mouthy pre teen girl who is playing the whole divorce, two home, step parent thing to the hilt. I have 2 teen daughters and guess what? Being mouthy and the whole package is what most teen girls DO. You don't give up on a child because they are going through a sucky, yet normal phase, you do what you're SUPPOSED to do and not allow it. Put your foot down, be the parent. And do it now before it gets to an out of control point. Help her become a respectable adult. Teach her. ITS YOUR JOB!

By the way you say son in title yet refer to 'her' all through... so I just assumed we were talking about a girl.