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Everything your feeling is a phase. You have to stop worrying about why your feeling that way, since by doing that your only focusing your energy on your feelings... How about trying to do something more constructive with your energy, like getting out, keeping busy and being unavailable??
Give that a shot...
You are right.
Hey guys. Just some update on me. She still called like a bunch this weekend. I would answer some ignore some. But Sunday morning she called and found out that I went out with someone else. It didn't go good but I went. She argued with me the whole phone call she said she had not went out with anybody and all this jazz and cried. She broke up with me what is her problem. I am still stuck on her but she has some kind of radar that knows when I am out or having a good time. If she is interested she would still be with me, so her lose. But she sure does kill me sometimes. Well anyone with some advice let me know.
It's thanksgiving today in Canada, Great I'm home alone, eating a TV dinner, I feel like crap and just want to message her , but its 20 days NC and I will not break it
Horrible nigt I dreamed about her, ga I hate myself for still tinkig about her, 21 days nc I will not falter. Says it again I will not falter.
I know how you feel Fred. Also feeling very alone these days, haven't contacted her in 14 days today but she contacted me some five days ago, at least I kept my cool and didn't give her what she wanted then.
The last two days I've gone back to sleeping in my own bed instead of sleeping on the couch, and both nights I've dreamt about her. And it's been the worst kind of dream, the one where I dream we fix our problems and end up together again, then I wake up, realize it's all a scam, feel horrible, fall asleep, and dream the same thing over again.
Apart from the sleeping the rest of my days aren't all that bad, except for my lack of social activity. I've always been the introvert person and I find that being social right now, after a few hours or so I feel kind of burnt out and just want to be alone. It doesn't help much that every single one of my friends are in long term relationships, so going out with them usually just reminds me of what I used to have and what I've lost.
If you need to let it out there's a great movie you can watch it's called "Forgetting Sarah Marshall". It's about a guy who got dumped and how he went about forgetting her.
TO be honest, I was in the same situation after my breakup. The main group of friends I hung out with were all in relationships, and for quite some time too. Since my breakup, I have started hanging out with a different group of friends, though I still see those friends often enough. It helps to be able to have other single friends who do things other than hang out with their significant others...Quote:
Originally Posted by Molecular
I called my ex a couple of days ago , to ask how she was doing after the accident.Now before you guys jump on me, I found out from one of her friends that the accident was really bad and she was in the hospital for a day.
We talked for about 10 minutes.Was not too bad.The thing that I realized from talking to her is that I still missed her, but talking to her is not helping me get over her.So even though her birthday is coming up in a couple of days. I am not calling, I am just going disappear from her life.
Hope everyone else is doing okay
Day 23. I'm proud of myself, and yes I recommend forgetting Sarah marshall as well as kanye west new song heartless.
Day 19 of NC. Had real urges to contact her today.
I guess in a good way, I didn't want to contact her in order to plea for her to take me back, because I was wondering how she was doing, or even because I needed to hear her voice or see her face.
No, I actually wanted to contact her because I was quite angry at her. Over our relationship, which lasted some four and a half years, I was always very protecting of her. Not in the bad, suffocating way, but in the nurturing way.
I was thinking back to high school, when we were dating back then. Well basically my ex had some social problems because she had a real easy time seeing peoples worse sides and easily disliked people, so in high school she basically had no friends. What this meant, naturally, was that she barely did anything with anyone else than me outside of classes, and as much as there were a lot of cool people in my class and a lot of fun social activities going on there I neglected all of these to take care of my girlfriend at the time because she had a really easy time falling into depression when she was left alone a lot, and don't get me wrong I loved spending time on her so it didn't really bother me that much that I barely made any friends in high school and spent all my time with her.
Well basically much changed when we both went to university. We took two very different lines of education, hers was much less popular than mine and, as such she was enrolled in a class of somewhere around 20 people whereas I was in a class of around 150, basically meaning that for me, social connections were a lot harder to make since the class was so big yet for her, it was the other way around.
Even then however she had some troubles making friends so she didn't do all that many activities out of classes and we did spend a lot of time together, but this year a lot of things changed as she found a group of people she really liked and could spend a lot of time with, not to mention she moved in with her cousin which is very much alike her and they never argue (At a side note, although we'd been together for a long period we discussed the matter and decided that we didn't need to move in with each other because we had the rest of our lives to live together, but we only had one shot at just being young and doing what we wanted, when we wanted).
Either way it just struck me that only a month or so after gaining these new aquaintances and moving in with her cousin was when she dumped me, and I realized that right now, I'm in many ways in the same situation she was in all those years ago. I'm the one who doesn't have that many options to be social on my own spare time, the only difference is that now, she isn't there for me.
Given the circumstances it really feels like she dumped me the second she no longer needed me, you know. Her cousin is always at her place where she lives, so if she's feeling sad, tired, or anything, she's always got her to talk to. She made a bunch of new friends to spend her free time on, so she no longer needs me to take care of her. I never really thought of it this way but man did it tick me off when I did. I feel so incredibly used. All those years I neglected my own life to take care of hers and the second she no longer needs me to do this, she cuts the rope and lets me go.
And I know this isn't entirely her fault, it's much my own fault as well for letting it happen, I just never looked at the whole breakup this way but looking back at all the signs it's suddenly become all too obvious, and it's really churning at me.
A part of me really wants to get in touch with her and just say all these things, because I've no doubt that it's all been subconcious for her as well and she's in no way aware that she's done this to me, but another part of me realizes that taking this up with her is nothing but childish, I'm just so... angry you know. And to think that even after she broke up with me my old feelings of nurturing for her were so strong that even then I couldn't treat her with anything but the upmost respect and say all those things I knew she needed to hear to be happy just... churns at me. How I let myself be walked all over even then.
In any case it's been 19 days of NC and I've got absolutely no intentions of breaking this. Part of me feels pretty glad that I'm now angry at her for treating me this way, being angry somewhat feels so much better than just being sad and deprived. Not sure how long it's going to churn at me that she'll never herself realize that she actually just threw me away the second she felt like she had alternatives to take care of her. A part of me is hoping of course that somewhere down the road she'll fall out on these friends as well and her and her cousin will get into some sort of argument and she'll suddenly feel all alone again, except this time she won't even have me to turn to. I can safely say that I'm through with her and really want nothing to do with her anymore, yet right now I'm just so... angry.
Anyway, just really needed to vent, 19 days and going strong, phew.
I must apolagize for hijacking this thread per se but I just felt like I needed to vent, once again. So I just found out my ex is seeing some other guy. It struck like a bolt of lightning at first, mostly because I really thought I was over this now, being a month since we broke up and everything.
Then I realized I didn't really care that much that she's seeing some other guy. What really got me was the fact that she met this guy like, two weeks before we broke up. The reason this hurts so badly because the last time I really spoke with my girlfriend some 3-4 weeks ago I told her that this would be so much easier for me if she just told me the truth about why she was breaking up with me because I felt she wasn't really giving any real reasons as to why, and I asked her if she could look me in the eyes and tell me that she didn't love me anymore or that she's met someone else, both of which she refused to do. The reason I wanted her to do this was so that I could go on with my life and move on instead of, a month later suddenly finding out exactly what I just did.
I'm finding it all slightly too convenient to be fair. Everything was just well and fine between me and my girlfriend, suddenly she starts doubting the relationship, then she breaks up with me, now she's dating this guy she met just before we broke up. I just wish she'd have told me the truth. We were together for five years and all I asked of her when she broke up with me was the common decency to tell me the truth, but instead she just had to go lying to my face to make herself feel better.
Through my whole life this girl was the only person I've ever truly trusted, and this is what hurts. The betrayal. If she had just told me the truth back then I would at least still have retained my respect for her, but right now I have this really scary feeling inside of me that if you can't truly trust someone after five years, who will you ever be able to trust?
The good part at least was that the fact she's dating someone else and definitely already over me doesn't bother me that much at all, knowing that if I met someone I really liked I wouldn't just sit there. It's just the lies, the disrespect, and everything. A part of me just wants to talk to her and ask her why she had to chicken out and be so disrespectful to me, this was the last thing I'd ever expect from her. I guess at the end of the day what I'm really trying to say is that what's been hurting me the most is being scared that there's nobody out there you can really trust but yourself, and I guess there's actually some truth to that.
Is there anyone else out there who suffered these doubts after coming out of a long term relationship? Doubts that there's nobody out there you'll be willing to truly trust again? And did you ever come over it? Did things turn for the better?
I know time heals all wounds and all that, but given my statistics right now I'm not having a particularly positive outlook on ever finding someone I'll truly trust again.
Molecular , You really have to move on. Its really sad that she is dating someone else, but was bound to happen.Would you rather that it didn't happen now but a year from now.Quote:
Originally Posted by Molecular
My girlfriend of 8 years broke up with me about a month and a half ago. It was hard at first, but its starting to get easier.
My advice to you is keep yourself busy, find something to do .anyting and trust me it will get better with time.
Good luck
Molecular, you shouldn't even try to find out what she is up to. If you didn't know she met this guy when you were together would you be pissed? That's the reason for no contact. A few weeks before me and my ex broke up. I found out she lied to me, she said she went for a driving lesson but instead she went out with this guy but for some reason she called me by accident and left her phone on so I listen in to their conversation (maybe she left her phone on on purpose maybe it's god's will). I confronted her but she said she go out with him to find out things for me but it's all bs. She even gave me his number to call him . I asked her to move out but I felt bad and didn't do it.
Nothing hurt more than betrayal, I felt awful when she left because I assumed that she will go with this guy. But you got to think of it this way, someone has to move on first it either be you or her but eventually you will move on too and find someone who will make your life better. Just go no contact, I broke up with my ex for over 3 months now. Two months of no contact and I feel a lot better now. I don't think about her as much. I am currently in China for vacation. Take a trip somewhere, out of site out of mind.
Have I been in a long term relationship, been dumped then doubted trusting other people? Of course. You are only one month out of your relationship, it isn't expected that you are over her yet. I would be surprised if you were... I think you want to be, but you need to expect it to take some time.
I have had these thoughts, but after enough time they stop. I have no problem now seeing that what happened was between me and her and has no bearing on what might happen between me and someone else... none whatsoever.
Everyone has a story about how what they heard at the end of the relationship didn't end up being true, or how they feel they were lied to, or betrayed, etc... In reality, none of it matters. Perhaps she wasn't lying at all, she wanted time to herself, and in that time decided she wanted to give this guy a go. If it makes you feel better... I was told "I want time to myself to deal with my own issues and work on myself"... Same situation, she started dating someone - tough sh*t...
Just deal with the anger, the betrayal, all the feelings, they will fade. There is no use in hanging onto these feelings, let them go, and keep moving on.
... and DO NOT contact her.
Thanks for all the input guys, your words really help. It's not so much that she's dating someone else that bothers me the most, I've come to terms with the fact that our relationship is over and I know now that I would never want to be in a relationship with this woman again.
The thing I'm having the worst time with is believing that there's people out there with the same values as me and someone I could trust again, but I'll take your word for it that there is, bigbird!
I'm just slightly worried about the future, I guess, and still having some troubles adapting to being single.
Your wounded right now and seeing the world through jaded eyes. Of course nothing looks quite as promising as it could. You'll get over those feelings in time and be able to separate what happened from what is going to happen in the future. Once the emotions die, you can see that logically it makes no sense to blame someone new for what someone old did to you.Quote:
Originally Posted by Molecular
Now on week 8 of NC. I actually surprised she hasn't tried to contact me at all. But that is a good thing. I still think about her daily, but I can get a full nights sleep now, and I haven't shed a tear in over 2 weeks. While it's going to take many more months, at least I know I'm on the right path.
Hey Everyone, well it has been exactly two weeks of nc and I was doing good. Getting angry at her, realizing some of her faults and things of that natural then last night some other person mentioned seeing her at a club where a friend of our's plays and today I just want to call her so bad. I have done everything to get her off my mind but nothing seems to work. But I will stand my ground and keep up nc. She has emailed me about stuff but I keep the replies short and polite. Nothing crazy, they are not bothering me like they did, so I am OK with the emails. I know she is trying to bait me in to contacting her with them so I stick to the subject of the email and act very professional. But knowing she was out while I set thinking about us bothered me. I do get out but I have to spend a lot of time at home with my child and you know what they say about idle time. So when I do get a chance I live it up. I have had several other women interested in me since the break up but I can't seem to give them a fair shake because of my ex. So I am trying to make sure that I don't bring any of the baggage from our relationship into a new one. But that brings up the fear of letting the ONE get away because I am hung up on the ex. God what to do. Life is life I guess. Just wish this was easier. I have been though worse, my child's mother was killed and believe it or not that seemed easier because there was closure no guessing or wondering. It stop at that moment. Thanks for reading this and any advice that is given.
[QUOTE=redwee74;1340348]Hey Everyone, well it has been exactly two weeks of nc and I was doing good. Getting angry at her, realizing some of her faults and things of that natural then last night some other person mentioned seeing her at a club where a friend of our's plays and today I just want to call her so bad. I have done everything to get her off my mind but nothing seems to work. But I will stand my ground and keep up nc. She has emailed me about stuff but I keep the replies short and polite. Nothing crazy, they are not bothering me like they did, so I am OK with the emails. I know she is trying to bait me in to contacting her with them so I stick to the subject of the email and act very professional. But knowing she was out while I set thinking about us bothered me. I do get out but I have to spend a lot of time at home with my child and you know what they say about idle time. So when I do get a chance I live it up. I have had several other women interested in me since the break up but I can't seem to give them a fair shake because of my ex. So I am trying to make sure that I don't bring any of the baggage from our relationship into a new one. But that brings up the fear of letting the ONE get away because I am hung up on the ex. God what to do. Life is life I guess. Just wish this was easier. I have been though worse, my child's mother was killed and believe it or not that seemed easier because there was closure no guessing or wondering. It stop at that moment. Thanks for reading this and any advice that is given.[/QUOTe
Hang in there man
Thanks Dare, I will. I just seen her and wow was that hard. Well it was yesterday and all I think about is her now. This really ain't cool. How could I let someone have that much control over me? This place helps a lot but sometimes I need a little push to keep going and not sit around and dwell on her. Just an update and everyone Good Luck and God Bless.
Over thanksgiving when my ex came home she showed up at my house unexpectedly as I have blocked her from all form of contact with me. Should have seen my face when I saw her at the door. We talked for about an hour... and wasn't that bad for me. I got a lot of answers and got a lot of things out that I wanted to. She really wasn't on that pedestal anymore, and I was actually really surprised at how different she looked to me through clearer eyes. She told me that when I move down south we should date again... And I'll tell you, I felt incredibly empowered when I looked her in the eyes and said no, that will never happen again, you had your chance and I can never trust you again...
It made her pretty upset... and maybe came off a bit mean, but oh well. She put me through hell... That was probably the last time I will hear or see her in a long time so it was nice to get that off my chest.
I just hit the half year mark for my break up a few days ago, I am doing very very good but am still not there yet. It made me realize how much time is really necessary to get over a long term relationship. For all you guys that are at the 1 or 2 month mark, don't kid yourselves by saying you are over it, just accept that you're not and that its going to take a long time. Trust me, one day you will be over it and all those feelings you had for your ex will be washed away. I'm at 6 months and I'm still not, but getting closer with every passing week. We'll get there, everybody goes through this... Keep those heads up!
I don't even know what day it is of NC for me overall, but something just snapped today, I don't know what it was. I want my heart, my life, everything, I just want it back. If she doesn't want it then why do I keep giving it to her, I'm taking my life back for me. I'm sick of it, I want to be happy again without her.
Just one of those days where something finally clicks.
NNG,
Nice to hear that you handled it well. It must have been a nice gauge of how you have been handling it since it happened. I believe I have just passed my 6 month mark as well (I don't know the exact date anymore).
Glad to hear your doing well, keep it up man!
Good to see that you are doing great man.Nice pic too.Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy
I'm back in N/C! Welcome me back guys, lol.
Welcome back Dazt.
Update on my situtaion, its been almost 6 week since our break up, and almost 3 since I talked to her, but for the last couple of days I have been felling really depressed and misreable.Probally because I have some other family issues going on, I wish I could call her and talk to her.
Now done with 8 weeks. 2/3rds of the way to my 90 days!
Been a solid five weeks of NC for me now (I think?) but it's rather hard to know as I haven't really been counting. At first I was reluctant to believe the whole: "One month for every year of relationship" thing but now I think that's actually true. Granted I'm not feeling nearly as down as I used to, I still have my ups and downs.
My biggest problem I think is that I still spend too much thinking about her. Even though I'm dead certain that I don't want her back, I for some reason spend so much time being angry with her. Keeping NC on the other hand isn't really that much of a problem. I'm actually more afraid that I'll bump into her one day because if I do, it probably won't be pretty.
I haven't posted for awhile, I think its because I reached the point where no words could help me and it was just a matter of time. I still love and miss my ex, it was 5 months since we broke up 2 days ago. It's my birthday today, he messaged me to say happy birthday though we have no contact. It hasn't been as bad as I envisaged it couldve been without him though. Maybe things are finally starting to get better
It's unfortunate but I think the NC calender is slowly dying. It's been removed as a sticky and seems to be dwindling... which might be a good thing. Could mean we are all moving on?
I was going to say the same thing.Even though this website has been really help full, part of moving on involves moving on from this website too.Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy
I am really not sure about one month for every year of a relationship, I think it depends on how intense your relationship was and how much you were involved in itQuote:
Originally Posted by Molecular
Even though all of us right now are moving on, I can't help but think that there's naturally going to be others who will need this calendar days in the future. I say keep it a sticky to be fair, it helped me a lot back when I was still hurting at the most, and there's still many people who are likely to be needing similar help in the future. It's been a quiet period though, I agree.Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy
I really don't think that one month rule holds much water. I was with my GF for just about 7 years, and we've been broken up for over 3. I highly doubt I'll be anywhere near over her in less than 4 months. I still think about and miss her constantly now.Quote:
Originally Posted by Dare81
Agreed, mine was four years and I am 6 months in, doing very well but not over it. Rules like that don't hold much merit, every individual reacts and recovers differently. But we'll all get over it eventually, you can count on that.
I was with my ex for a year and 1/2. It've been 4 months since we broke up but I can't say I am over her. Of all my ex, this one I would say was the toughest to move on from. I was living with her the whole time so I guess there are a lot of memories that I am still holding onto. But I can say I feel a lot better now than 4 months ago.Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy
Just to clarify- I am a girl lol. My ex boyfriend has started talking to me again, I feel fine with it, but I'm not sure if it could have negative consequences in the future?
If you think there will be then you're not totally over it. I'm not going to talk to mine until I can safely say I don't care for her at all. (by then I don't even see why I would care to talk to her)Quote:
Originally Posted by Boristheblade
What I want to know is what purpose do you see in talking to him? If you feel like it could be detrimental to you at all either now or in the future than why risk it. You've come so far, you don't need to take any steps back.
We broke up five months ago and the break up was messy and awful, all kind of things happened and I found out lots of awful things. But basically because of that he gave me an epic apology which I knew he would eventually-because I know him better than he knows himself, and we just kept talking casually online from then-that's all it is. In a way talking to him is making me feel a bit better because the anger is lessening due to me demonising him less.
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