Is giving them to a friend and just saying "give these to her" contact though?
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Is giving them to a friend and just saying "give these to her" contact though?
Do you want her to think that your sitting around thinking about her?
Do you want to risk her calling you because you just opened the door for communication?
Would you be able to handle talking to her if she were to call?
If not, would it crush you to ignore her phone call?
... you decide
I am not arguing with you, you have good advice. But if I just give them to a friend, doesn't that send the message that I didn't want to contact her and that I moved on from where we were? Or is total NC usually the best. I don't think she'd call me. Yesterday was my birthday, she didn't call me on that, so Im assuming she's not sitting around thinking about me anyway.
I didn't say you were arguing with me, relax :)
You probably could give her friend the things and let her give them back. That would avoid any direct communication from you to her, but what I am saying is that you have to be sure that on the slight off chance it does happen, you can handle it.
Chances are, nothing will come of it, but I don't want you to give back her things hoping to get a response. I hope you aren't upset about not getting a call on your birthday and trying to use her stuff to stir up a response -- THAT is the wrong thing to do.
If your simply trying to give back her stuff, and you can handle the remote chance that she will try to contact you, then go for it. I just want you to think it through before you do it.
P.S. Happy Birthday :)
Thanks for the advice bigbird. I know you weren't arguing with me, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your advice but I respectfully disagreed with part of it.
I'm not trying to use up this stuff to stir up a response, I'm just trying to be the nice guy. I highly incredibly doubt she'd contact me at all. To make a long story short, she abruptly broke up with me due to mental issues she was having and left the door open for us in the future and I know she took the BU very hard (2.5 months ago). Since then, she has cut all contact with me, and even cut out any mutual friends/hobbies that we had. So I highly doubt she will call me thanking me for her stuff.
If its so insignificant, why are you so adament sounding about it, and in such a hurry to be a "nice guy"? Hide the box, and let go! Bring no one into the equation, and deal with you, and not her. Why do I say that? Because its a last ditch effort, to let her know your thinking of her, and you still care, and that is the very attitude that needs to be left in the past. If I'm wrong, then throw the stuff in a box, and forget this whole line of thinking. You have a lot more to deal with than her junk.
Third party contact, is still contact.
Tonight I'm a bit annoyed. For the past few weeks I have been started to wear a chain which my ex bought me again. It says her name on the back of it and tonight I dropped it when I was playing football. Someone came into the changing rooms after the match and had found it and told everyone in the changing rooms what it said on my chain. There is a couple of people that are mutual friends with me and my ex so there is no doubt that they will tell her that I've been wearing the chain :(
I wouldn't worry about it DazT...
Wearing the chain shows that you respect and appreciate what you guys had. It would be much worse for you to throw it away or try to give it back. She gave it to you with every intention of you enjoying it and wearing it, so that's what your doing...
Do you really think she would rather you never wear it? Would you rather she threw away and forgot about everything you ever bought for her? Doubt it..
I have to spread the love a little more, but goodness man... the advice from you is immaculate. Keep it up.Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
Thanks, I'm doing my best to give back :)
Wellll, today I got a call twice from my ex's best friend and once from my ex. Both times I didn't answer. Both left me a voicemail saying "oh yea my friend needs help in a psych course, could you please call her and help her out. I dont know if u're trying to avoid me but this is important".
Later her friend texted me saying that she needed my help. I was like , so I called her and helped her out, kept it to the point and no further.
I don't know if that's breaking NC but I didn't give her the chance to ask me what I did or how I was doing. Just straight to the conversation and that's it.
Well I was doing pretty well, I went out on a date last night with a great guy who is toatally into me maybe a little too much for right now... anyway have been feeling pretty good today but then one of my friends just said they saw an update on my ex's Facebook that he had quit his job, and started another one... it is a weird feeling about hearing him having such a big thing like that happen in his life and not being aware of it. In a way I have this urge to text him and say congrats on the new job, even though I know it would achieve nothing. Don't worry I won't contact him but I hate that the feeling is still there!!
Alright guys i need your help. This is what my ex just sent me on facebook
"Anna(made up name), ill always be there whenever you need me"
those are the words i remember u saying before u dropped me off at my house. and for some odd reason i dont seem to be getting that "friend" vibe from you. u take me of msn, facebook and dont return any of my phone calls...
have u forgotten about ur ex-girlfriend already?
spion_kop, i know your trying to forget about me, and move on, but please see where i'm coming from. i havent spoken to u in sometime now, and i want to see how things are.
today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing.
if u really DONT want to be friends with me, please say so. ill have to then continue life without u. i never ever wanted to do that....but please, if u dont want to be friends then just say so. please dont say that u'll be there for me, and then not be there when i need you....
please dont be a stranger..
What to say in return guys
Spion,
I know how tough it is when the ex pushes for contact like that. Personally, I'd ignore it. The straw for me would be the fact that she wants to talk to you about her boyfriend? I mean, honestly, how naïve can you be?
I would take that as a slap in the face and definitely not respond. She is just trying to see if you are there, if you are hurting because it looks like she is missing you. Don't let that bring you back in and ruin the progress your making with NC. It isn't worth it.
Note that I said it looks like she is missing you, but it certainly wouldn't be the first time I've seen an ex say anything they could to make sure the other is sitting by waiting to hear from them. Its an immature way to gain the power back (and for you to lose it).
"today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing."
Wow, the nerve she has to say that... leaves you (makes you miserable), finds a new boyfriend right away and thinks you should be there for her when things aren't going her way. I am sure if you did try and talk to her as a friend she would tell you all about the fight...
Walk away from this one buddy, if she is too dense to see that being your friend through all this would be detrimental to you than she really isn't much of a person. When she dumped you she lost everything, including your friendship. Don't respond, its her problem so let her deal with it.
Sorry, if I had received that I wouldn't be too impressed...
Not your problem... what would she say if you asked her for help??Quote:
Originally Posted by spion_kop
Aw god damn! I'm in the early stages of depression again,and its only day 4 of NC . I sleps for over 10 hours,that's never good.
Spin... reading things like that actually make me angry at how us girls can be sometimes, she still wants your attention even though she choose to end it with it is so selfish of her! I would be toatally gutted if my ex sent something like that to me esp mentioning her new b/f! That is just rude. Ignore her she does not deserve the time of day.
Seems to me like she's poking the bear... she wants you to respond, its her sick little game, let her play it without you. Good on you coming here before you even thought about responding.Quote:
Originally Posted by spion_kop
If you do respond, she's going to think she's still got you around her finger... listen to Tal's simple, yet great advice: "Disappear". Delete the message and just go along as if you never got it...
I bit when my ex sent me anything, and I regret every time I responded.
I feel for you man, I really do but you got to see what she is doing, and the nerve of telling you about her boyfriend... wow... total lack of respect for you there. Her loss my friend, move on as best you can.
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