I feel for you man. That's probably worse off then I am as it was just a picture of him, nothing else. She wasn't in the picture or anything, just my imagination. Glad to know you know how I felt though.Quote:
Originally Posted by nickshehe
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I feel for you man. That's probably worse off then I am as it was just a picture of him, nothing else. She wasn't in the picture or anything, just my imagination. Glad to know you know how I felt though.Quote:
Originally Posted by nickshehe
Sometimes when you feeling good, and things are flowing well, we think we can fly, until we eat dust, and realise we ain't birds.
Events that you shouldn't know about, and shouldn't care about, have crept into your mind, you already know the best way to let go is get busy, or busier.
Big bird,
Hang in there mate, I recently saw on my ex's Facebook a wallpost from one of her friends basically implying that she was staying with some guy who I suspected she was seeing. I can see what you mean when you talk about shaking with emotion. Whether the message had anything factual in it or not, I never really found out, but I was thinking almost exactly the same things as what you were listing a few posts back. That was a month ago and to tell the truth it doesn't bother me that much anymore. The bottom line is, 1) If she's the sort of person to do something like that we don't need them, 2) avoid ALL forms of contact and 3) you will get over it.
I think the reason why that post had such a massive response was for two reasons. Firstly you've been (I really hate to sound clichéd here) an inspiration to all of the people in this s**tty situation, and secondly because I reckon everyone can relate to what you were thinking, and something like that is what we all hate to see. We're only human mate.
Well I'm glad to know I can help. I'm trying to get back into that today, it makes me feel good. The number of responses I got really helped and I want to say thanks to everyone involved. I'll be fine, I'm just riding it out.
The funny thing about that statement is you truly get to test yourself. That is the epitome of your heart in conflict with your mind. You want NOTHING MORE than to know all the answers, and you know that you need NOTHING LESS than to know them.Quote:
Originally Posted by jammyb
It's actually quite funny, after 6 months, me and my ex just now started talking friendly to each other. Well more than the awkward "hello" at work, and after the first night I had a friend request from her. So instead of making a rash decision, I went for a walk to weigh the pro's and cons, I ultimately decided to accept her friend request as I don't have to look at her profile(which I haven't yet). Each time we have texted each other it turns into an hour long conversation about how she sees I have changed and made improvements in my life. She has admitted to several people she is not happy with her current boyfriend, which I find funny because me n a friend called that 3 months ago when it started.
I NEVER would have thought that after 6 months, I would be standing here saying "I'm fine, with or without her"
Rome,
That's inspirational. As much as I hate to say it now (please don't throw rocks), I can't wait until I can be friends with her. I don't know if I can be friends with her ever, but I assume after enough time has passed. I got a little cocky as I was doing so well, so I guess this was a reality check. I'm certainly not ready now, maybe by the end of the summer, maybe by Christmas, maybe never.
Hopefully someday...
The only thing I really worry about with being friends with her is that if it does grow into something, I'll go back to my old ways. But I assured myself that this site will keep me level headed and know that everyone here will keep my butt back to reality ha ha. I just have to hear it from my mom about how she thinks the time apart did us well and blah blah blah...
Bigbird, you will get there someday. Thursday I just reached the point where I said to myself, you feel fine, try talking and after I saw I was feeling fine. That's when I knew we could have a friendship. I think you get to a point where you realize yourself that you're ready for that jump
Guys I cracked and I called, I feel so stupid. GOD WHY? Ijus wish someone could come and take all these feelings away. I was never this emotional at all.I can feel a baall in my throat, and it is really bugging me.Her voice is what used to calm me and put me to sleep. Then it was the first thing in the morning that I would hear, to assure that she loved me so much, and that we would have a family togther, and to have a great day.It hurts. I miss her soft skin, her aroma of lavender, and her gorgeous green and hazel eyes, and most of all her little hand that would rest on my chest. I played foot ball, ran track, did wait traing with former NFL athletes and played in the band, and NO training ever hurt this much. I think I am going to be on here all day.
Sorry I let you guys down, sorry I failed you birdman.
Don't apologize to me, you didn't fail me. If you failed anyone, it was yourself.
The thing about the NC and the breakup is that you don't have to answer to anyone but yourself. I did the same last night bud, I cracked, I screwed up, and I spent all night hating myself for it. You'll get over it, you'll learn that it wasn't smart and you'll stop yourself from doing it next time ( I hope).
I know how you feel, truly I do. It sucks, we all know. Try to learn from what you did, and not EVER do it again. You see how bad you feel now? How you feel so low because you gave in? Any power you had, its now gone. That's the feeling you want to avoid, and the only one who is making you feel like that is... you guessed it, you...
If you're here all day, big deal. It helps, do whatever it takes.
BTW, if your athletic try running or hitting the gym. Anything exhausting really helps. It helped me a lot.
Aj, you didn't fail anyone. We have all broken the NC barrier a few times, everyone agree? You fall off the horse, but each time you get stronger and stronger to the point where Tal kicks you in the butt and you realize you're fine with or without them in your life. Always remember, you were breathing before them, and you're breathing without them. Trust me, you will be fine
I see NC like going cold turkey and she being the drug I'm addicted too, and the only reason we break NC is because we need that fix, be it the sound of her voice, one last connection... all in hope that things will go back to the way they were. On some occasions this works, sometimes it doesn't. I broke no connection nearly 2 months ago, and we got back 2gther for it... but sometimes you just know. Like now we split up again, I know that it is not time for me to get in contact again. I was out with a friend last week and all of the weekend before I had planned to contact my ex when I was ot with my friend, and when I wa sout I just didn't feel like texting her, but stupidly, very stupidly I did, and I gave her lots of power. Then I stupidly, drunkly text her again on Friday night, then we got into an argument on Saturday. Sunday night I went out and just had a good single ight out, managed to piss her off with my flirting with other girls, and even now I don't feel good about it, but I know I have a little bit of power... the power to stay no contact! And right now it is killing me, all I want to do is contact her and get my fix... but it won't help at all! So I just got to keep myself busy and say no!!
I like that. A little clearer than no contact :)Quote:
Originally Posted by srulik86
Here is something that keith brooking used to say in the weight room when we felt like one of use could not handle the pain of the training. " the only reason you can go through so many hours of hell on on the field, is becuase you have your brothers and team mates to push you on, but the only reason you can't handle these weights is because it is concentrated on you and you alone, but there is something to remember "girls" ( god I hated when he said that) PAIN IS TEMPORARY, VICTORY LIVES FOREVER!!
Quoted by D.J. Hicks.
We all break NC once in a while. Its part of the process. Sometimes we break it cause we're desperate (in the beginning) and other times we break it because we honestly think we can handle it. Sometimes you just got to test the waters and then you realize "nope, not ready for that just yet".
One of my friends basically said it to me this way, if he calls you and you get excited for a moment and want to answer, its because you still have feelings for him so DON'T answer. If he calls you and you couldn't really care less whether you talk to him or not, then you're over it and again DON'T answer. So, its really a catch-all. Just DON'T answer. Its sucks but the whole "friends" thing is really a difficult place to get into. You both have to be so far removed from the situation for that to work. I think when exes are friends there's always one person who is a little more "into" the friendship than the other and feelings always resurface.
BTW, I love all you guys. Nice to find people who are all in the same boat. Whenever I think, God, why did this happen to me? How can anyone ever get over this? I remember I'm not alone. Thanks!
Good insight losingit,
It is a very difficult thing to accomplish and when you test the waters, sometimes it hurts a little bit. I found that out the tough way, and it still hurts now. I'm having a down moment, but they are spacing themselves out a little more as the day goes on. Its funny how you can really notice the pattern once you are aware of it.
I'm riding out the rough moments now, but in about 20 minutes I should be feeling good again. I'll be on here a lot today during work I'm sure, as an idle mind finds things to think about, many of which are not so great.
Making it through work is my immediate goal. I'm a little worried about tomorrow as it would have been our anniversary (4 years) but its nothing more than a date. I hate to say it, but I wonder if she's going to remember or think of me tomorrow...
Ah who cares.
Hah,Quote:
Originally Posted by losingit77
You ever stop and just think about all the other people in the world. The breakups you hear about with your friends, family members etc... You stop and think... EVERYONE has been through this, why was it not such a big deal then... I think that a lot, it's a real eye opener.
Guys, I need that closure. I am tired of waiting hoping she will call so I can't answer. I need to know If we just need to quit and go our separate ways.
Bigbird,your current situation breaks my heart. I could imagine the pain and loss you feel when you imagine your girlfriend giving her I-love-yous to someone new. You'd have to accept that she,l ike every other person including yourself, is striving for her happiness - one way or another. Its what people do, so you should really look forward to living the rest of your life, because if you're as good in life as you're on "paper", well its going to be awsome :)
The only way to get closure is to move on. Her calling so you can ignore it isn't going to help you. In fact, from experience, it usually makes you feel worse. You feel like a jerk for not answering and then you will sit and wonder what she wanted.
Your hoping she will call, it seems like you want to hear her voice again. Bad news AJ, stay away from that. Get your closure by moving on and never looking back.
Listen, I never got closure either. She broke up with me over the phone when I was an hour and a half away at a Casino. I just had a fun night with my friend and as soon as I woke up the next morning, I got a text saying "I'm not happy anymore". Well, you can guess the rest, but I wanted to see her very badly one more time, then I realized the only reason I wanted to see her is that it would make it hard for her and I was hoping she would change her mind.
Closure is a fallacy.
HAHA, thanks, that makes me feel good...Quote:
Originally Posted by kaneda
So, you got plans Friday night? ;)
Aj,
Are you sure you want that closure, or is it just an excuse to contact her? You're probably right, but I'm fairly sure I used that as a last ditch attempt to talk to her just to hear her voice. No matter how much closure she gives, it probably won't be enough. Remember its like a drug, you'll beg, steal and borrow to get one small fix. Just a thought...
Yeah, "closure" means nothing. I tried getting "closure" about 5 times. It didn't close anything. It just kept all the emotions and the confusion open and around for a little longer. Didn't help one bit. Just delayed the start of the healing process.
Find "closure" within yourself... not them.
Just another point to add...
Every single word, even a simple "Hello", will have you analyzing until you pass out. You'll investigate her attitude when she said it, her intonation, her breathing pattern, whatever else you can possibly think of. None of that is healthy and will all come from your "closure"...
I broke contact again :) Yes people :) But I've managed to stay unhurt,no new hope was born and I was kind of bored.There you have it.
When your kind of bored, come on here and tell us whatever it is you wanted to tell him... we'll make you feel better than he can.
Here's a question for the masses...
It seems that when women break up, they are immediately approached and people let them know that they are interested. It doesn't seem that men have the same luck with this sort of thing... Anyone else notice that?
Is it easier for a women to find someone else to date/hang out with than a man?
More than likely yes, but it may be for the wrong reasons, men sometimes approach women because they have sex on the mind sometimes, and often times will approach women. Men also can sniff out vulnerability in a woman.Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
Woman on the other hand are looking for something more than sex most of the time, so they are looking for a future husband material, they pick carefully. Don't get me wrong you have some women who are out looking for the "uncommited relationship" but even still they are picky.
Guys she called and we had the talk. I ask if she loved me, she replied yes. I ask if she wanted to be with me, she replied no. I then slipped up and asked for a second chance, she then replied no. I tried to get her to remember things in the past that we used to do. And then ask for a second chance she said no. I told her that I was sorry for how I treated her , and she said she forgave me, and then said no. I then said so there is nothing with us in the future, she said today I don't see anything because I am fed up with your controlling ways. I then told her I was never controlling that I only wanted to know were she was going and who with because I cared about her and her safety. Never once did I say No you can't go here, or no you can't hand out with this person. I don't see were I am controlling. So anyway we talk for about a good hour, she kept on trying to change the subject but I was not about to let that happen. So I asked should I just quit and we go our separate ways and with no hesitation she said yes. I said OK, she said OK and we hung up. Then 5 minutes later she text me "I still care for you " , I did not reply, the 2 minutes later she text " I guess you dont want to talk to me again" I still did not reply. Finally getting the answer from her has cleared my mind. I was so confused on how she would say I love you and want to be with you, but us always arguing is making me fall out of love with you. I wanted to tell her so bad, " the only reason why we argue is because you dont tell the truth, but i held that back. she never tells me truth about things the first time around, but the second time you ask you get the truth. she always thought that she was a pain in the and that when she came into my life she made my life a living hell. i assured her that hat was not true and that i was put in her life to calm things down, wich i really did. well she just called in tears asking if i was mad, i dont really know why i picked up but something inside said it's the last time. She just asked " aj are you mad at me " I paused for a moment and answer " name, I can't talk to you right now". She sounded so proud and confident when she kept saying no, but now she is in tears? This makes no since, and now I am starting to feel she is in her gaming area, IM DONE. I have put a year of my in her hands and she tossed it because she cat sit through the storm, she just walk away and leaves me there to handle it. Sorry guys I am just venting and trust me there is more to come.
My heart has turned cold towards her, she gave up so easily, and could not give me a change to redeem myself, after the countless times I have giving her the chance " become a better person, and show me she loves me" BULL, I have not felt this mad in a long time, you know why? It's because I don't really get mad at all.But she has awaken a sleeping giant in me, I will not take it out on her or do anything to her. I pissed beyond imagining. The only people I can trust right now is you all.
I cannot even put into words how true (and dangerous) this is. From the dumpee's perspective, any post-breakup communication, even simple one word text messages, are so easy to over analyze because our minds are still hooked on getting reunited.Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
I can use myself as an example. When my ex started our "break" last month (which ended with a full breakup on 5/3/08), we made an agreement that she would briefly text me once per evening just to let me know she's home safe because she works in a dangerous area. So, each night for that week I'd get a text ranging from "in bed," "in bed goodnight," or "home." I'd go absolutely INSANE, thinking "why didn't she say goodnight this time? Why just "I'm home" this time? No goodnight? What does that mean? Why so brief? Does she hate sending these texts? What's with the one-word answers?"
All these feelings were stirred by simple text messages. It's crazy when you think about it... the desperation, the anxiety we dumpees go through. When my ex called me 3 weeks after the breakup (thankfully she broke contact FIRST, I stuck it out), I was trying to "feel" out her tone of voice, the words she used... just trying to get any inkling of how she feels. Well after one minute of talking we were both comfortable and these feelings disappeared. She made it clear that her decision was still final - which is not exactly music to my ears, but I respect the honesty. Regardless, we spoke for an hour and 15 minutes about the most random things; it was a great conversation like old times. Still though, I couldn't help but wonder to myself "... hmmm, did she sound happy, or was she just going through the motions with me? Why did/didn't she laugh at that comment? What exactly did she mean by [insert any comment]? Does she sound like she's totally over me? Do I sound weak or strong to her?"
About 15 minutes ago, I sent a text to my ex to confirm us hanging out this Sunday to take care of some things (we agreed to this on our post-breakup call, and even on the breakup day). My text was simple: "Hi, just confirming we still good for Sunday?" Her response was "I think that would be fine." Immediately, I begin going nuts, rereading the text over and over as if I'm hoping for the words to rewrite themselves into something warm and lovey-dovey. My mind goes: "You think that would be fine? What's that mean, like you don't really want to do this? And it's just fine? Not like, sounds great! Looking forward to it! Is she just doing this out of pity?" But now, 30 minutes later, I know I'm being irrational and that's all crap. First of all, she already told me she sincerely wants to meet up. These messages are words...not even spoken words, just a freakin text message. What was I expecting? She is downplaying any emotions so I don't get "false hope," I know this because she already said this over the phone. She's always been good and honest like that. One of my favorite qualities about her is that she doesn't play mindgames and is very straight-up and honest.
Anyway, I don't really consider my text to be breaking contact - hear me out first. We already agreed to this on the post-breakup call (which SHE initiated), and I really did need to confirm the date because we are very, very busy with logistics and packing as we are both moving the first week of June. It will be okay when we meet in person. I got this under control: Be strong, be happy, play it cool, crack some jokes, make her feel at ease, avoid anything involving criticism, anger or negativity. Don't appear clingy and weak, but at the same time don't be arrogant and "act" like I'm having the time of my life since the breakup. I know we are both going to be "stepping on eggshells" and avoiding any heavy talk, but I trust us, I trust our 6 1/2 years together of being civil and good to each other. It will be awkward at first, but once we start talking it's all good. I'm sure she will be going into this with similar feelings.
I'll keep you updated.
AJ,
You are making this more dramatic then it needs to be. All the extra drama isn't going to help you one bit, its going to make everything feel worse for you.
Don't try to rationalize or understand what she says or does. We have all heard funny things from our ex's during/soon after the breakup. They are just as confused as you many of the times, and they really don't know how to put their feelings into words.
Try to move on, cut all communication, and get happy being by yourself.
Eraser,
I'm glad that you understand what I was trying to say. Everyone does this, and it really is dangerous. The worst part is, 9/10 times the scenarios we dream up are 1000x worse than reality.
Don't worry guys, I find myself trying to figure out my ex's texts, even now. Only because it's free time and I have friends texting me saying she brings me up in conversation now. Talks about how she will be using the purse I bought her soon, how I got my tattoo at her house, smiles when she does bring up my name.
So yea, trust me... Ex's contacting will always confuse you. Depends on if you can keep the confusion at bay
God, what's going on? Are we on a breaking NC spree? For a second before, I felt like breaking it. Luckily it was just a fleeting moment. Instead, I came on here and read everyone's posts and remembered all the drama and confusion breaking NC would cause so I wised up. Woo, that was close!
Its much better to know nothing than to fabricate ideas from the slightest of info.
Besides, I know he wants me to call him. The last time we spoke I told him I didn't want him to hear from him for a VERY LONG time and his response was "ok, I'll hold out for as long as possible, but you know, i want you to call me whenever you want, i'll always be here for you, call everyday if you need to." Please, I will not give him the satisfaction. The last thing I want him to know is that I'm sitting around still thinking about him. Its best to just DISAPPEAR! If we're having the "what ifs", let them have the "what ifs" too...
Losingit, I wouldn't consider what happened with me as breaking NC, as it has not hurt me at all. I'm still having fun, going out and doing my thing. Had I talked to her and I was hurt my it, or started acting like a b*tch again, that's a different story. I have learned I can be with or without her and still breathe on my own. That's when you know you're okay
Hey Rome - I wasn't meaning you. You're a much longer way in than the rest of us. I meant those of us still in the thick of it who were doing so good, suddenly feeling down suddenly. Maybe its the holiday weekend or something.
Its weird. I guess its just natural but the beginning of the week is usually the hardest. Once it gets to later in the week and the weekend, I'm usually good for quite a while.
Losingit,
You can use my name if you want to ;)
I'm sorry if I pushed everyone over the edge... hopefully my story can help you guys not do it (like it did for losingit) rather than inspire you to do it. That was NOT the intent. I guess it depends on your definition, but I didn't really break NC (on a technicality). Either way, it was bad news and not a good idea. It was snooping for information, even if it was by accident.
Oh, and Rome, sorry I "started acting like a b*tch again" :) Just kidding, I know what you meant, and I hate those psychotic mood swings
Ha ha Bigbird, lol... acting like a b*tch again would have been texting her and sreaming "why can you move on so quickly! and blah blah blah" you did the right thing by coming on here instead of texting her or calling.
... It would be a COLD day in hell :)Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
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