Gah, my ex called me for the first time since the break up.

We haven't contacted each other in any way since the break up (5/3/08). I am the dumpee from a 6 1/2 year relationship.

I'm proud of myself for sticking to my guns and waiting for her to call me first, especially since she was the dumper. 3 weeks straight of NC. Perhaps I should have ignored the call, but it was my instinct to pick up when I saw her name on the caller ID... just could'nt help it!

Anyway, we spoke for 1 hour and 15 minutes about stuff ranging from "how things are going" to talking about music, movies, the news, family, random things that have happened since we last spoke. It was a very friendly conversation. She said was geniunely concerned if I was okay (I don't think she's trying to relieve any guilt), and had not called me because she knew it would "set me back" and cause pain. She said she was proud of me for staying strong and not calling/begging her since the breakup. The conversation was only awkward for the first minute, but once we started talking it was totally natural and we were all chummy.

Coincidentally, we both decided to move out after the breakup (we both lived at our parents') I'm moving into my first apartment on 5/31 and she's splitting a place with 2 of her girlfriends. We're even moving out in the same week. I guess I wasn't the only one who wanted a fresh environment.

She also stated over the phone that her decision about breaking up was still final and that the phone call wasn't intended to screw with my head - she said she really just wanted to make sure I was doing okay. Plus, we both also had significant news to share - even if we are exes, we just spent the last 6 1/2 years together.

Most surprising is that I was terrified that speaking to her would send me back to square one of pain and misery, but I'm actually doing fine. We ended the conversation by calling each other "mature" about the whole situation and that "we both deserve a pat on the back." She extended the oh-so-confusing "friendship" proposition, but I said we'll just have to let time take it's course on that. It's sad because we have such chemistry for friendship (we can talk and laugh for hours about pretty much anything), but I still have emotional feelings towards her, which completely destroys the ability to maintain friendship.

She also said we could meet up on Sunday 6/1 to take care of some things (such as planting flowers at my mother's headstone; this was planned right before the breakup), but only if I'm ready. We also discussed her taking a quick tour of my apartment since it's my first one and is therefore a monumental moment in my life, and we both don't want to be total strangers to each other. She said she completely understands if I don't want to see her, and if it will cause me any pain then we should not meet.

Strangely enough, I think I can handle seeing her in person. It could be a great day. Plus, she's leaving on 6/3 (it's about 1 hour away). I think that I've finally grasped the concept that you are powerless in "winning" someone back. Who knows what the future will bring. Maybe she'll end up hating living over there with her 2 friends, maybe she will have the time of her life and fall in love with a new guy within a few months (ack, ack). Whatever it is, I cannot control. What I can control is my own life.

Hey eraser,

That was actually great to read. You seemed to have really come a long way and are doing much better. It seemed like both of you went about it in a really mature way. I even commend your ex on being upfront about what the phone call was for, and that she really didn't want to string you along or play with your mind... If only all exs could be like that. I know if mine was I would be doing a lot better today. I think your relationship is something to walk away from with your head held high. You kept your dignity and probably learned a lot about life and yourself. She'll probably always look back at you with fondness and respect for how you went about it. You have nothing but good things to look forward to.

All the best.

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Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

Hey eraser,

that was actually great to read. You seemed to have really come a long way and are doing much better. It seemed like both of you went about it in a really mature way. I even commend your ex on being upfront about what the phone call was for, and that she really didn't want to string you along or play with your mind... If only all exs could be like that. I know if mine was I would be doing a lot better today. I think your relationship is something to walk away from with your head held high. You kept your dignity and probably learned a lot about life and yourself. She'll probably always look back at you with fondness and respect for how you went about it. You have nothing but good things to look forward to.

All the best.

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Thanks a lot. Yeah, I've been doing better. It's still a rollercoaster, as it's only been 3 weeks since the break up. There are times when I feel completely fine, then moments later I'll almost be crying to hold her in my arms - but the frequency of this is decreasing.

Despite the great improvement I've made, I won't lie: a very large part of me still hopes that we'll be one of those rare couples that "finds each other again in life," somewhere down the road. We met at such a young age. I'm certain this feeling is natural after such a short time since the break up. But the difference now is that I'm actually starting to envision a future without her, whereas before the mere concept of her not being in my life made me want to crawl in a hole and die.

It's so hard to let go of this relationship due to the combination of the extremely long time we've lasted together and how we have a certain "dynamic" that's tough to put into words. People jokingly referred to us as "Dharma and Greg" because on the outside we seemed totally incompatible but on the inside we were totally into each other. Even on our post-breakup call, my ex said something along the lines of "Even though we're broken up, there's still this weird magnetism between us. We just...click."

I believe you are correct in saying we will both look back on each other with great respect and appreciation. Despite what the future brings, we both shaped each other into who we are today - for the better. Especially when starting from a young age like 17, 6 1/2 years together seems like a lifetime. Thus far in both our lives, no other person has ever been so significant.

I have to admit, Eraser, I am truly touched by the level of maturity, and civility, you and your ex have shown, I don't see that often.

Eraserhead,

I too am impressed with how you managed yourself.

In a way, I'm a bit jealous because I don't know if I would be able to handle myself in the same way. I do know that I can relate to your feelings after a few weeks. It truly is amazing once you start to see the future without them in it - you really start to feel better about yourself and you can feel yourself esteem begin to rise.

Good luck, though it seems you won't need it :)

5-6 weeks-ish (?) of NC now. Feeling pretty good still.

Saw an update through a round-about way on my ex's online profile which showed a few pictures she had put up. I think it said there were 21 or so pictures. I didn't look, but I won't lie and say my curiosity wasn't up. I wanted to, but I know better at this point.

Time to get distracted...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

5-6 weeks-ish (?) of NC now. Feeling pretty good still.

Saw an update through a round-about way on my ex's online profile which showed a few pictures she had put up. I think it said there were 21 or so pictures. I didn't look, but I won't lie and say my curiosity wasn't up. I wanted to, but I know better at this point.

Time to get distracted....

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Good will power... I had to delete my ex and about 5 of her friends from fb just to keep myself sane.

I am in a weird position... my ex is in 3 of my 4 high school courses, and I sit next to her in all 3 of them... how to instigate NC when it is virtually impossible> I can't just ignore her, or move seats, or something obvious like that, can I?

Ah high school, makes break ups pretty hard. Their life and what they are doing is right in front of you on a daily basis. Where you sit in class is up to you, I mean if it makes you feel better to move than do it, who really cares what she thinks. Honestly, even though I think it will be hard, you should stay put. If she talks to you be kind but don't give her any special attention. Act like it doesn't bother you (even though it does). Total NC in this situation is virtually impossible but I think you can do a variation of it. Can't imagine having to go through my break up through high school. I am having a hard enough time with it and she just moved 6 hours away :S .

Thanks Northern,
And good luck with your NC... stay strong!

At least I have summer break coming in 3 weeks..

Agh! I don't know what is about today, but I'm feeling kind of down. Broke up a little over 2 months ago and I don't know. All of sudden it hit me again today. It kind of feels like our whole 4 year relationship was a distant memory. Or like it was just a movie or something that was part of someone else's life not mine. I guess I'm just starting to feel detached from the whole thing. Starting to feel like the whole thing and even him just don't exist anymore.

I know I'll be fine and I'll get through this. Just feel a little weird today... like what have I been doing with my life for the past 4 years? God, was that really all a waste? It feels almost like none of it ever happened. Like it was all a dream or something.

Oh, well. I'll live. Probably feel this way because I didn't really keep myself busy today. Need to keep my mind and energy focused on something else. Time to watch a scary movie!

DISTRACT YOURSELF BUDDY!
I used have these random flashbacks too. I would always get quiet around friends, and just think. But apparently thinking is bad, so distract yourself. :)

Good Luck losingit

Haha... yeah, I know the 'getting quiet around friends'. That would happen to me every once in a while too like over dinner with friends or family and then suddenly some would just say "snap out of it".. and I'd try distracting myself with something else.

That's just what I'm about to do. Laundry and scary movie coming up.

Losingit,

You of all people know that this is going to be a rollercoaster journey. You should expect that your going to have down days and up days, and this was just a down day. Live through it and you'll come out on the other side even stronger. You know you can handle it.

And No, it wasn't all a waste. You learned and are still learning a lot about yourself and how you deal with the obstacles of life. Keep going!

I'm really glad I found this site...
It shows me I'm not the only one dealing with a break up, or NC. We are all in the same boat here, and support each other. It really is a great system here.

GOOD LUCK MY NC FRIENDS!
I will go distract myself with homework now.

Listen to "Married with Children" by Oasis

I feel like I need help quick...

I made a mistake - big time. I'm shaking, just went for a walk, I'm so angry upset, everything. I don't know what to do now...

I was on my Facebook account and a picture of her showed up. It looked like a great picture so I clicked on it because I wanted to see it. Well, when it came up, another picture was there of some guy I never knew before. After looking at it again, it was in her house, in her basement.

I don't know what to do. After 4 years 1 month is enough?

My mind is going nuts. My sensible side says this: He might be a friend, nothing says they are together. She's smarter than that. She isn't a slut. Etc etc...

But my mind is also saying they are having sex. They are dating, they are intimate, I'm having all of these disgusting images in my head. She's saying I love to him she's thinking abuot marrying him.

I feel sick. What the !@#$ is wrong with me. I know better. I thought I would be fine, I was feeling so good.

How do I not let this ruin the next week for me. I deleted her Facebook, what do I do?

I'm so sorry...

Stay calm, and distract yourself. There is NOTHING wrong with you. The emotions you are expiriencing are to be expected, and they are completely normal.

I don't know much about this, so I can't give specific instructions or tips, but I'm here for you, as is everybody else. I feel for you man...

Thanks,

Sorry I sound so emotional. I thought I had everything under control and I'm just upset now. I think I'm more mad at myself, though I think that if they are dating after 1 month I'm a little pissed off...

My mind is analyzing things that have happened since the breakup and I'm forming assumptions and theories which I know are all rookie mistakes.

At least I know enough not to call, make contact or anything else. That would make everything worse. I'm trying not to mention it to anyone either as they might give me details I don't want.

I think it just hurts because she moved on and I still don't feel I'm ready to. (stupid seeing as I don't know anything about him, or their connection)

--EDIT---

Didn't want to delete that for the sake of anyone else who wants to see my pain. Its been a few minutes and I calmed down. I stopped, talking to two people about it, and tried to think rationally about it. It's going to be on my mind for a while I imagine, and that bothers me, but I guess I deserve that. It shouldn't keep me really upset, but now when I think about her those 2 or 3 times a day, I'm going to have something extra to think about. That sucks a bit.

In any case the results of my rational thinking:
-I know nothing about him or her since the breakup.
-It is none of my concern, she has every right to, just as I do (even if it seems really short)
-It is unlike her, or at least how I know her, so I still think its unlikely
-He's definitely not a looker, and I feel I'm a better catch (not to be cocky, but I don't think I lack much of what people would call a good boyfriend)

The last point helps to reinforce the feelings of her loss, my gain sort of thoughts. Oh well, I guess onward with my healing. I leanred that lesson, even though I thought I had it under control as it was. It just hurts to have my mind go nuts like that and start to think about disgusting things. I don't know if anyone else goes through that, but it's that part of self destruction your mind takes.

The hardest part was feeling like she isn't think even a bit about me, when I still think about her everyday for sometime at least.

Pathetic...

Hey bigbird
You know I think you give some great advise to a lot of people on here. One of the main things is obviously NC and how it affects people etc.. First of all 1 month is not a long time to be broken up and you will still be carrying emotional baggage at this early stage.

But by looking at that photo on Facebook you actually broke NC to an extent , learn from that and realise what damage it does. We're all on your side and you just have to keep going with what you were doing before because you seemed to be going so well. It just goes to show how easy it is to go back a few steps.

And thinking about what she's doing or what is happening in her life is not going to help you one little bit either , remember its out of your control anyway.

We're all with you mate so just keep coming on and venting.

And NO LOOKING AT HER FACEBOOK AGAIN! That's an order :)

Oh, bigbird! I feel for you. Don't worry about it. Don't start with all the "what ifs"... it could be something, it could be nothing. Either way you're still awesome! Think of all the plausible scenarios:

- Just some guy she happened to be hanging out with that night along with 10 other friends who you can't see in the picture
- Some guy maybe she did something with, but please even if she did, most likely the "relationship" will crash and burn (or already has) long before you even stop thinking about it.

If you're going to make assumptions, make them realistic assumptions (not a "happy ending story for her")... She's not "in love with him or thinking about marriage" already. Come on, you know that! Anything she has done since the break-up is in no way a reflection on you...

To be honest, I've slept with 2 guys since I broke up with my boyfriend ( I know, I know, I feel a little slutty about that) but in no way is that any reflection of how I felt about my ex during our relationship or even, heck, how I still feel about him. No comparison!

Also, I know you're shaking now and your mind is racing frantically, but don't worry. Give it 1-2 days and you'll be back to good days again. Remember that! Like you just told me a couple of hours ago, its an emotional rollercoaster! Just take the ride...

And no more slip ups on your NC, bigbird. Once you get back on track, everything will be okay. And losingit is right, there are several reasons that guy could have there for.

Thanks guys,

I was talking to her step sister online (which I have done a few times since with no impact on me) and heard one thing that I didn't like also. I don't know if it has anything to do with my current state or not, but she told me that she wanted to get drunk the other day. That's EXTREMELY unlike my ex as she used to get angry with me for getting drunk, though she did drink with me a few times...

I'm sensing it now, my mind making up stupid things, and I'm sure you all see it, I'm just missing it. Ahh so stupid...

Thanks for the support, I just hope that I can keep getting over it.

I'm starting to feel like just sleeping and not doing much, I hope that's just fatigue from tonight.

Bigbird, you need to wake up, and get out. Even if you feel like sleeping and lying around, get out. Go out with a couple friends, do anything to distract yourself.

And I'm sure that you will get over it.

But you know what you have to do, you always give great advice when it comes to NC. You have to distract yourself, and not think about 'her'.

And no problem for giving support, its what we're here for. I just joined a few days ago, and I love the support I get here. Makes life so much easier.

Yes, the mind loves to play tricks on us.

Sometimes I think we forget the point of NC is not just to eliminate contact with the exes, but its also to help us stop thinking about them and to remove them from our day to day lives. Hearing about what they're doing or seeing info about them on the net, can be just as painful and set us back as much as proactively breaking NC so the best bet is to just remove all temptation and stay the heck away.

Right now, its best to not know anything! Our lives are no longer any of their business so their lives are no longer any of ours. If it helps, rewrite history in your mind, and pretend that you broke up with her. It helps me all the time.

And in terms of moving on, don't rush it if you don't feel ready. We all move at varying paces so don't take any of what possibly did or didn't happen with her as any indication that you're not moving on fast enough. When you're ready, you'll feel it. You have the whole summer to enjoy!

Yeah,

I want to say I'm done thinking about this, but it really isn't that easy.

I'm setting out to prove to myself that this isn't as big a deal as my brain is making it out to be (my heart I should say). I didn't find out anything, I'm making wild assumptions.

Rookie mistakes, I'm better than that.

Thanks again everyone,

Good night all.

I'm here too Biggie! I think everyone has got you covered. I've been through it more than once, and you are neither pathetic, or being stupid. You know that! I know the sick feelings you get, and how it makes you want to jump out of your skin and just run away. You'll be OK. It hasn't been long, so try not to jump to conclusions, and just let yourself go through it. I feel for you bud! I've soooo been there.

Bird, yea like I said before I had to delete her and 5 of her friends from FB, it just gets too tempting... I mean it could have been much worse. The day I decided to delete my ex was the day I saw pictures of her at a bar, in a shirt sized dress and high heels, grinding, holding hands, and wearing the jacket of this 30 year old or something steroid bound loser. It was absolutely devastating. Really the picture you saw means nothing and I am glad to hear you removed the temptation... you don't need that getting in the way. I went to dinner tonight with a girlfriend and she even mentioned that this guy has been all over her wall and stuff. That one little comment made me sweat... but you got to think of this rationally and tell yourself its no big deal. There is nothing you can do about it, and your going to rise above it. Think of all the people that have been dumped because their ex was moving on with someone else... or cheated on...

Stuff like this kind of brings you back to earth and lets you know how much more healing you got to do. You'll get over this picture quick, its just a bump in the road.

Facebook is evil!!

Thanks NNG,

I know, I have calmed down a little bit. Still a little down, much more level headed though. I think I handled it pretty well, but I jumped the gun posting here so it looked like I went nuts (I did for about 10 minutes, before I went for a walk.)

I was going to go for a drive, mom took the keys away heh, didn't want me driving, she knew I was upset. Either way, I was headed to bed, but there's a funny show on. I could use a laugh, so ill be up for a little while longer.

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Thanks NNG,

I know, I have calmed down a little bit. Still a little down, much more level headed though. I think I handled it pretty well, but I jumped the gun posting here so it looked like I went nuts (I did for about 10 minutes, before I went for a walk.)

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No biggie you did the right thing , without venting you may still be thinking about it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with getting things off your chest.

I don't even know you guys and I love you all, I was about to go insane, and read this and saw how you guys are here for each other, it's just way too amazing that total srangers can be so close. Bravo.

Big bird my man - stay strong you are doing fine. 1 month is very early days into a breakup. I was still all over the place then.

I didn't even accept my exes attempts to be a friend on Facebook, as I new id look at her account, and it wouldn't do me any good at all.

The best way to think about things I found was this -

Your ex may be with another guy, but it isn't big bird. Big bird being the best thing that happened to her, her opportunity of a lifetime which she threw away.

So no matter who she may or may not be with, smile inside and outside, because no body will be like you my friend. What a fool she is!

I always thought this and still do whenever I think of my ex. I still do, and its been six months now,with a hiccup in the middle, so on 80ish days of NC now.

Just keep going pal, and think that those good times are around the corner, because they are. Friend4u is right, you have been giving out quality advice for the last few weeks, we've all seen it.

Don't be too hard on yourself.

I can't wait to do this - however I need to speak to my ex as we have a house together and need to discuss finance - we were going to do it today face to face (we have been split since 20th May - I have went to stay with my mum but have to go back home today) I emailed him and told him I couldn't face him and will contact him by phone later. Originally I think I wanted to meet hime face to face to make him see that he was making a huge mistake, however his emails etc have told me that he does not regret his decision. He thinks this will be best as he has fell out of love with me. Im not sure I can even call him tonight because I break down in tears and can't bear to see how cold he has become. I know I have to do it - but then after that I'm going to try and have NC - (it will be tough though as we work at the same company)

Bigbird,

Hang in there buddy.Allow me to say this though : this is why you-and everyone else-should be a bit less strict and hard when it comes to telling other people what to do.It's hard for everyone,even when you know what the right thing to do is.

Next time it hits you,go for a run.A fast,long,getting your heart in your mouth kind of run.Run till you see blurry.Then run some more.

I know it sounds stupid,but it helps.

I wanted to say thanks again to everyone.

After having a (half) night's sleep, I guess I feel a bit better. I have been trying to heed my own advice that I have given out, but its nice to hear from other people as well. Sometimes I just disregard what I say as trying to make myself feel better.

So far this morning my mind has been pretty consumed with thoughts of her, but I sincerely hope that will change a bit as the day goes on. I'm looking forward to getting out of work to go home and sleep -- just beucase I'm tired I think, not really depressed...

Thanks again.

Stay strong. It is a rollercoaster, sometimes your up, sometimes your down, but you will reach the end of the line. Just hang on!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jpm247

Big bird my man - stay strong you are doing fine. 1 month is very early days into a breakup. i was still all over the place then.

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Thanks for that, I was just upset because I was doing so very well (attributed to NC no doubt) and this has set me back. I was hoping for a full recovery without ever stepping back, but sometimes you have to be burned to learn I guess.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jpm247

i didn't even accept my exes attempts to be a friend on facebook, as i new id look at her account, and it wouldn't do me any good at all.

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I was very strong about that for the whole month. I never looked at it, and to be honest, the only reason I did was because I thought I could handle seeing the one picture I wanted to. Meaningless things caused my mind to go wild with assumptions, and that doesn't help anything.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jpm247

the best way to think about things i found was this -

your ex may be with another guy, but it isn't big bird. Big bird being the best thing that happened to her, her opportunity of a lifetime which she threw away.

So no matter who she may or may not be with, smile inside and outside, because no body will be like you my friend. what a fool she is!!

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I found myself doing that too. It helps for a few minutes, then I feel down again and just do it again. I'll be limping along that way for a short while now...

I guess it was just a combination of what I saw, my assumptions and what I heard about my ex (Drinking). It almost made me feel like I wasn't good enough for her to change, but now she will. Then I thought - "Why not assume shes drinking because she is so upset about our breakup and doesn't know what to do."

Thanks jpm

Big, I missed last nights episodes.. but I've been there too - under the first month, saw Facebook pictures uploaded from when she was in london(where I got dumped), she was with some guy all the time in the pictures,leaning on him,hugging him e.t.c.. I knew him though- and I was suspicious of him when we were going out.. it drove me insane when I saw the pictures. I wanted to drive to his house and beat his face to the ground - but then I thought.. It's just not worth it - let her make her own mistakes.