Listening to the talk show on the radio this morning and the guy started talking about something interesting. He went into a tirade about how women take breakups much easier then men do. He also made the point that men will NEVER leave a marriage unless they have someone else waiting on the back burner.

We justified this by saying that as far as breakups go, women are the much stronger sex. They can handle being alone better then men can. When women break up they can generally be honest and mature about it, citing true reasons and being respectful. He also said that men have trouble with this because they are in some ways, inherently dependent on women and not as strong.

In trying to guess why it is that this happens, he speculated it has to do with childhood. The fact that when growing up, Mom is the one who is most often looked up to, the one who takes care of us and the one who fights for us when we need it. Those feelings carry through to adulthood when children move out and get married. (I'm pretty sure there have been studies showing men seek women who are similar to their mother? )

I don't know if I agree with everything, but it was an interesting rant...

Let me say I do not even recommend you start playing this game with her and continue NC. However if you wish to respond to her message I will Chuff a response for you.

[QUOTE=spion_kop]Alright guys i need your help. This is what my ex just sent me on facebook

"Anna(made up name), ill always be there whenever you need me"

those are the words i remember u saying before u dropped me off at my house. and for some odd reason i dont seem to be getting that "friend" vibe from you. u take me of msn, facebook and dont return any of my phone calls...

have u forgotten about ur ex-girlfriend already?

Answer number 1. "I'm sorry who are you"

Answer number 2. Yes I made a commitment to be there for you under the condition you would do the same for me. I appreciate you noticing that my commitment to you was true.

spion_kop, i know your trying to forget about me, and move on, but please see where i'm coming from. i havent spoken to u in sometime now, and i want to see how things are.

Things are great, and in fact things have really gotten better for me in recent weeks so I figured why bring myself back down with the one negative holding me back. As somebody who only wants what is best for me, I'm sure you understand.

today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing.

Answer number 1. LOL. I know you wouldn't turn to me for advice, as my advice is geared more toward adult relationships.

Answer number 2. He's tired of your games already huh. I don't blame him.

if u really DONT want to be friends with me, please say so.

Oh I want to be really good... no great friends with you. You have just what I'm looking for in a friend.

ill have to then continue life without u. i never ever wanted to do that....but please, if u dont want to be friends then just say so. please dont say that u'll be there for me, and then not be there when i need you....

I'm not a big soap opera fan but I must ask, what soap opera did you pull this dialogue from? It's very well written and I might like to catch an episode should time permit.

please dont be a stranger..

I'm not a stranger to my friends.

Truthfully I wouldn't respond at all. Right now you are the one with the power and she had a fight with her ex and now wants to pull you from the back burner to stroke her fragile ego and emotions. Really a b*tch move if you want to know the truth. I'd prove to her your stronger then she gives you credit for and just ignore her.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Listening to the talk show on the radio this morning and the guy started talking about something interesting. He went into a tirade about how women take breakups much easier then men do. He also made the point that men will NEVER leave a marriage unless they have someone else waiting on the back burner.

We justified this by saying that as far as breakups go, women are the much stronger sex. They can handle being alone better then men can. When women break up they can generally be honest and mature about it, citing true reasons and being respectful. He also said that men have trouble with this because they are in some ways, inherently dependent on women and not as strong.

In trying to guess why it is that this happens, he speculated it has to do with childhood. The fact that when growing up, Mom is the one who is most often looked up to, the one who takes care of us and the one who fights for us when we need it. Those feelings carry through to adulthood when children move out and get married. (I'm pretty sure there have been studies showing men seek women who are similar to their mother??)

I don't know if I agree with everything, but it was an interesting rant...

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I actually looked into this a while back and men commit suicides in greater numbers after marriages fall apart and men do seem to have a harder time with break ups of all kinds then women. Going back to childhood is something that was part of the issue but so is how men and women's head's work. In fact I think you see a lot of it right here on this site. Women think with, use, and understand emotions better then men. From a very young age women talk about men and what they want from them. Men talk about sports or music or anything else but women. That's why women can emotionally pull themselves out a relationship and a man won't even see it happening and then when he gets dumped he will say "I thought everything was great." He thinks logically and when she says "I'll love you forever." and he's really wanting that, he'll believe it. When a man gets dumped he can't turn to his friends because they'll make fun of him and quite honestly they don't want to hear him go on and on. Part of that problem is when a man does talk about his emotions, other men don't know how to respond to it, even if they've been in a bad break up themselves. We think logically and we have a hard time relating to emotions and how to resolve those issues, even if we ourselves have lived through it.

Its funny chuff, the same guy on the radio mentioned the suicide numbers as well. I guess it just goes to show that women and men won't ever understand each other :)

You bring up a good point though. Through family, friends and the media these days, from a young age I think men are taught that it isn't right to show emotion and they aren't a real man unless they can hide it all... Probably doesn't help!

Thanks a lot you guys. I think I'm just going to ignore it. She called me sooo many times that day and I ignored all her calls. The ball is in my court and what she is doing is selfish and immature. See I knew that this was going to happen. They haven't even been going out for a month!!

Some of my friend's told me to respond in a very cold way but I think not responding is the best possible response I could give her. I decided to sleep on it so I could think with a clear head and continuing NC is the best thing.

Thanks a lot you guys

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Its funny chuff, the same guy on the radio mentioned the suicide numbers as well. I guess it just goes to show that women and men won't ever understand each other :)

You bring up a good point though. Through family, friends and the media these days, from a young age I think men are taught that it isn't right to show emotion and they aren't a real man unless they can hide it all....Probably doesn't help!

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I agree, and you know even looking back on my own relationships women don't like it when you start showing too much emotion which has always been one of my biggest... if not my biggest problem since I'm an emotional guy. I never notice it when it's happening but I can look back and logically see what happened. Women don't want to help a guy who is "emotionally weak" and men don't know how to do it so a man can be caught in a tough spot with no where to turn so eventually his brain will turn on himself which can only make it worse.

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Originally Posted by spion_kop

Thanks a lot you guys. I think I'm just going to ignore it. She called me sooo many times that day and i ignored all her calls. The ball is in my court and what she is doing is selfish and immature. See i knew that this was going to happen. They havent even been going out for a month!!!

Some of my friend's told me to respond in a very cold way but I think not responding is the best possible response i could give her. I decided to sleep on it so i could think with a clear head and continuing NC is the best thing.

Thanks a lot you guys

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I agree with you. The temptation is always to respond cold and tell her off but that only lets her know you still have emotions for her. Not responding at all does mean you have to bite your tongue but other then calling her a few things where exactly will you be when it's done? In the same place and in fact perhaps a few steps behind because she once again has the power over you knowing she can get a response from you. By not contacting her at all you show her through actions that you show her you are stronger then she gave you credit for, which means she's wrong and you are right, and it also shows her your not under her emotional control.

Her and her best friend have been trying to get a hold of me throughout this weekend. At first I was laughing but then the calls wouldn't stop and then she sent me that message. So I thought before I did anything I would see what the general opinion would be.

I told her to leave me alone and to not contact me ever again. She said I wouldn't last a week and it's been longer than that. I see as this being a ploy for me to break NC. I'm not falling for it. If she really wants to talk to me she has to come to my doorstep as that is the only way I can't ignore her.

Spion,

Good work. By not responding you are showing your maturity to her. She is sounding desperate. She called you out on a week, and you showed her up - she doesn't like that. Rest assured if you're the nice guy and talk her through her problem, a few days later she'll be happy again and you won't be needed anymore.

Keep at it bud.

DUDE, I didn't realize that. OMG, You are kicking her sorry a$$ at her own game!!

Even though it's short I must Chuff this!

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Originally Posted by spion_kop

Her and her bestfriend have been trying to get a hold of me throughout this weekend.

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I love it. She's losing so bad at her emotional game that she now has incorporated her friend. A$$ kicking number 1.

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Originally Posted by spion_kop

At first i was laughing but then the calls wouldnt stop and then she sent me that message. So i thought before i did anything i would see what the general opinion would be.

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Bro, you should still be laughing even with the general opinion being that you are right. She's the one desperate here, even with your emotions running high she's the one playing all her cards while you sit back and watch her crumble. Kicking number 2.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by spion_kop

I told her to leave me alone and to not contact me ever again. She said i wouldnt last a week and it's been longer than that.

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She was wrong. A$$ kicking number 3.

She is also the one who didn't last. A$$ kicking number 4.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by spion_kop

I see as this being a ploy for me to break NC. I'm not falling for it.

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It is a ploy and you see it. A$$ kicking number 5.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by spion_kop

If she really wants to talk to me she has to come to my doorstep as that is the only way i can't ignore her.

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If you have a peep hole do not answer the door.

If not answer and say, "As you know, I am a gentleman, and I didn't want you to become an embarassment to your family but if you do not quit stalking me I will have to get a restraining order. Have a great day."

Had to spread it chuff, but that was great. Spion, reading your post put me in a good mood... thanks :)

I have a pretty strong right foot if your looking for #6...

Haha chuffffff, that's what I've been thinking. She wants a response from me but it's not going to work. The biggest motivation I got was for her telling me that I wouldn't last and that has driven me on. Not only did I take her off the pedestal but I've put myself on it. I'm not going to compromise my emotions for hers.

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Had to spread it chuff, but that was great. Spion, reading your post put me in a good mood...thanks :)

I have a pretty strong right foot if your looking for #6...

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I have a strong feeling he's going to give it to her!

Quote:

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Originally Posted by spion_kop

Haha chuffffff, that's what i've been thinking. She wants a response from me but it's not gonna work. The biggest motivation i got was for her telling me that i wouldnt last and that has driven me on. Not only did i take her off the pedestal but i've put myself on it. I'm not going to compromise my emotions for hers.

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She so stupid, she never knew stopped playing her emotional games to see how emotionally strong you were. A$$ kicking number 6.

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Women think with, use, and understand emotions better then men.

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That's why Samson never had a chance.

Um, can someone remind my ex boyfriend that he broke up with almost 2 months ago? And the last time we spoke (where he told me he missed me soooo much but also reiterated that he just wanted our relationship to be over) I told him I didn't want to hear from him for a really long time. He agreed to not talking for a "really long time". Apparently, a "really long time" in his book only equates to about a week. Seriously, come on guy! I know I'm awesome but do you really have to text me a week later to remind me that you miss me? Haha.. sucker. I didn't respond. Don't have even the slightest inclination to feed his ego. He can go cry is heart out like I did for a month.

Doesn't he know that I've met about 10 better guys since he left me (15 if you count all you guys on here), and 2 guys that I'm seriously considering dating (sorry chuff, you're not one of the 2.. I don't do long distance)... haha (that's my evil laugh).

Message to lousy "confused" lonely ex-bf: If you don't treat your girl right, someone else will do it for you. (I stole that line from another post but its SO TRUE!)

BTW, I wish I could change my screen name from "losingit77" to "winningit77". Doesn't he know... in this game of life, I always come out on top! : )

It's all right losingit, you know what you need to do and you know your perfectly capable of doing it. Let him get over it on his own, like you had to.

As far as my NC, it has been going pretty well. Lately I have been worried that she is going to email/call me. I don't know why, but it seems to be a trend for ex's to call between the 1 and 2 month mark of NC and I really don't want that to happen. Its not that talking to her would bring me back to thinking of getting back together, but I'm afraid that I would have trouble telling her to not call me - it would hurt me to be mean to her, even though I know it isn't mean beucause she has to understand.

Whatever, it hasn't happened - I'm done worrying about it.

Keep it up everyone.

Yea that's weird bigbird... I know what you mean. I don't want my ex to call me but I don't want to tell her to stop. I don't want to be mean either, it really doesn't make sense why we think that way, guess we really are too nice haha. She texted me tonight... Asking when I am going to be in the new city she moved to. I had told her before that sometime this week I would be there to hand out my resume for a job I want there. She had asked me before to visit her when I did and I told her no. I haven't responded to it, but I almost feel like telling her when I will be there but then ignoring her calls or texts when I am there... Stupid I know, I don't think I will respond at all. I will be staying with a girl and she knows this so I think she is feeling a bit jealous, best let her stew about what I am up to.

Big bird & northern,

Good work on the NC all round, its def the best way forward. After about a month and then two months I got a couple of emails from my ex, didn't say much just that she was thinking of me etc. basically nothing I wanted to hear at the time. It just stirred up more confusion for me, and set my healing back. Check out my questions for what happened.

I would say that whilst part of you wants contact from them, hell part of me still does, it is best if they don't. It is better for you to graduallly move on, and get that great person back who is you, but has just lost their way. The confusion I got from the contact I received set me back a good way in my healing.

Now on day 70ish of NC, things are much much better. Haven't forgotten her, still think of her, but am so much better. I' m even crashing and burning in style again when chatting up new girls I meet!

I'm not really interested in dating anyone yet, just enjoying my own company at the moment and hanging out with my mates.

Stick with the NC, you will gradually get better, I am proof of that.

Jp,

I think you sort of nailed it on the head for me. While contact from her does nothing but screw me up... I mean her one message asking when would I be in her new city was short. But it instantly made me upset, and made for a rough morning. But at the same time for some reason I still want her to contact me, so I know she is still thinking of me.

I am glad you are feeling a lot better it gives me hope, day 70 is way off for me... Been 30 days since the break up, but I have broken NC about 5 times after she initiated contact. I think the whole sleeping with her a week ago really set me back to day one (ha ha you think?). Should have listened to big bird on that one and not let her come over. Live and learn I guess.

Also I might as well confess something, I cracked this morning. (I find mornings brutal) I texted her back and just said Friday. I am not going to respond to anymore, for some reason I felt like telling her that so she knows I will be there but than can't have me. I should really just go total NC, I know this girl isn't good for me, and I know I don't even want to be with her... I am just prolonging my suffering. I am sure she will call me Friday, I'll let you now how that goes. :s

JPM,

I didn't mean my message to convey that I wanted contact from her. In fact, I meant the opposite. I know that contact from her might or might not screw me up. I think I could probably handle it but don't want to risk it. And the reason for my post was mostly because I am afraid that she might contact me. I have to mail her something, so I was worried that it might be a reason for her to contact me.

Trust me, I meant pretty much the opposite. I Don't want contact, in fact a little scared that she'll try :)

Soo I am stupid once again, got home last night and our fuse box blew strait away the first person I want to call is my ex cause he is an electrican, so ring him just to see if he could talk me through fixing the switches I totatlly could not work it out so said I would ask the next door neighbour and my ex was like I will come and fix it I said no don't worry and hung up. He text straight away saying he would come round tonight or tomorrow I knew I would be easy enough to fix and the neighbour did it no problem, I text my ex back and said it was all good now and he was text back saying who fixed it I am meant to be your hero! So weird how willing he was to come around to fix it when he knew someone else could do it. Also stupid that I contacted him about it but that was my reaction I kind of freaked out and knew he would know what to do...

I wish I could do no contact :( unfortunately I have a child with mine

It's day 6 and I'm still hanging on,but the real rough days are just ahead.Day 7/8 is when I TWICE broke NC.I hope I don't fall into that pit of despair again.

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Originally Posted by Numb

I just had this idea after reading Mik's post.

How about if we use this thread to count the NC days, all of us? Each one would mention how long he/she's been maintaining the NC period and how he/she feels with time.
Maybe in some way this can help us all (including me)?

This is my first NC day.. Afternoon here, so far didn't even touch my phone. I don't know how I feel, but I'm not that miserable, I have a goal and thinking about it, NOT HER!

What about the rest of you?

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Wow, I guess the last time I had contact with her was... 2,3 months ago. We talked for an hour. She told me she was getting married for him to have a green card. ("I'm not with him", she said)..? Anyway, she said she would call me back. It was so good to hear her voice. I didn't like the news but I took it well. She even was surprised that I was so supportive. I was so bad to her for the 4 years we were together. I broke up with her about every 3 to 4 months then would ask to get back together. Then I finally moved across the country (broke her heart) then, 3 months later found out that I was in love with her. We talked for a period of about 4 months then she stopped calling because she didn't want to lead me on. A couple months later, I flew to where she was ($900 ticket) to profess my love to her. She said, "Why don't you get a girlfriend" I was crushed. I'm still crushed. It's been a year and a half since I've moved away from her. I know it's over. Still, I think she might call... she won't . I know. She's my #1 friend on MySpace. I keep thinking I should move her down. I ended the relationship. I'm such a jerk. I know I need to move on. I'd like to contact her one more time just say that we could be friends. Not that she has to contact me like a friend would but, I guess for her to know that I want her to be happy and have a good life even if we never speak again. I have tears in my eye while writing this. I don't know if it's because I've been so bad to her or I just wish I could have her back. I'm confused but I know I need to move on. I'm going to start on that list: "Things to do after a break up" I miss her so much. I thought she was the one but I don't blame her at all for protecting herself from someone like me and respecting and loving herself enough to be strong and say, "no more". I sucked her dry. She told me that she had nothing left. I left her cause I knew I was being bad to her. I don't know why she kept coming back to me for the 4 years we were "together". I also don't know why after 5 months of no contact, I was one of the first people she told that she was getting married. Thank you in advance for reading this. I know it was a long post.

Stuck,

I'm glad you worked out your issues with the relationship and recognize that it isn't something that you want to do again. You need to be careful to make sure you learn from your past relationships so that future ones can be more rewarding and fulfilling.

I don't know why she told you she was getting married, but if she is marrying people so they can get a green card, I think she has a few issues that need examining. Marriage isn't something that most people would play with like that (according to the state, she most definitely is with him.)

I don't think that she blames you for what you did, based on what you write, as she tried to talk to you afterward and had the decency to tell you that she didn't want to lead you on. Cut your losses, acknowledge that she isn't coming back, and work on becoming a happier, more whole you.

Good luck

Hey all,

I came on here to write about how I was having a bad morning, but my mood has since changed. The last few nights I have had dreams about her (some being intimate and others about her wanting to come back and me not wanting her to) so I have woken up slightly upset in the mornings.

In any case, I was going to write about that and hope to get some advice to feel better then I discovered what I was doing wrong. The last few days I haven't spent much time answering questions as I have been busy with work. I spent a good 45 minutes this morning answering questions and I realized that immersing myself in other peoples questions and problems truly helps me to take the focus off my own problems and put me in a better mood.

Just some advice for those having problems - the questions on here are a great distraction and help you to gain insight on questions you didn't even know you had :)

Hey guys, my jealousy course has just reminded me that it's been 6 months and I have to write about how I feel now that it's been that amount of time. So far I have a page, probably end at about 2 pages but I can realize just by my writing from here and on the paper that I have come a long way from the wimpy guy who first posted on her about how my ex was the best thing to ever happen to me.

Keep your heads up everyone, I recommend everyone should write a little essay by the time the 6 month period hits. It's truly eye opening to see how you are, while writing it I realized that I no longer hate my ex, and while I didn't want the relationship to end, I know it took a lot of her to end it. Some may not agree with that statement but it's how I see it.

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didn't want the relationship to end, I know it took a lot of her to end it. Some may not agree with that statement but it's how I see it.

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You have come far, and hope you realise your in a very good place, when you can let go of those negative feelings. Has it been 6 months?

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

I know it took a lot of her to end it. Some may not agree with that statement but it's how I see it.

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I agree with that statement 100%.

During my first breakup, I spent too much time wondering why it happened and being angry with her for doing it to me.

The second time around, this realization came much quicker and you really do start to appreciate how much it takes for the other person to do what they did. In all honesty, it requires courage - sometimes courage I wonder if I would have had.

Anyone who has been in a situation of "I don't want to be the first to say we both know its over" knows what I'm saying...

Bravo Rome...

Tal, yea I know, my friend and I were discussing it this morning and we both couldn't believe its been 6 months. Thanks for saying I have come so far and yes, I do realize that I am in a very good place. While I think anger is good at first for a break up I think you eventually have to let it go.

I've had a bit of relapse I must admit. She came by yesterday for business reasons. Nothing really was said there but after she left I just couldn't shake the thought of her for most of the day and into the evening. It's funny because on Monday I was in complete control and haven't really even thought about her since then and then I get a reminder, in the form of her, nothing was really stated but I haven't forgot about her since yesterda. By the way folks, this is why you never date someone you work with... and I don't even work with her, we just work in the same building but for two different companies. It is impossible to shake them once they are gone.

Yeah, its weird when you come through all the pain and anger and realize the breakup was something you actually wanted all along. You just couldn't be the one to do it. For the last year of our relationship, I actually thought about us breaking up every day. Knew it was the right thing to do... just couldn't see my life afterwards. Wow! My ex was right. During the whole breakup, he kept saying, "losinit, you know you're not happy. you know this is no good. you know i'm not making you happy anymore, all i do is bring you pain."

Gosh, he was right! 2 months, and I'm really starting to feel like my old self again. Sure, I miss talking to him, miss having him as a friend, but this is for the best. No more drama, no more pain, no more tears.

Been dreaming about him lately. Doesn't really bother me though. I'll have nothing but fond memories of him always. I'll always try to remember him as my sweet guy, and not the bs we put each other through at the very end.

Losingit, I'm glad to see you let go of that anger you had a few weeks ago.

It helps for a time, but in the long run is destructive.

Yeah, I'm not going to lie. Sometimes I got to bring the anger back up if I start to get too nostalgic. But honestly, I do wish him the best in the future and I do still care about him immensely. However, I definitely don't want to know anything about his life right now. Not ready for any "friendly" conversations. And no matter how good I've been feeling lately, I know I won't be ready for that for a very long time.

Lesson learned. From now on, I only put 100% into a relationship with someone who is returning that. And I'm never going to put someone else's happiness before mine. I really lost myself and my own life for a while and I couldn't be happier to have it back.

Well,Losingit77, at least you guys wish each other well. Whereas when I wished him all the best (honestly) he responded with "Yeah ,well you dont deserve a "farewell,live and prosper",so you're not getting one". Seriously, shouldn't the dumpee be so bitter?

Still on day6. I'm holding out, though I am online with an "invisible" status on to keep an eye on him... Today is well... a big day for him... so don't know,I'm hanging around for a bit but NO TALKING.

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Still on day6. I'm holding out, though I am online with an "invisible" status on to keep an eye on him...

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I don't think keeping an eye will help you. It will only keep you wondering and will not help you with your healing. Sometimes when people break up with us they say mean things. Sometimes because at that moment they may want to be left alone, and especially if we don't give them that space, they can get frustrated hence saying some hurtful things, whether they mean it. It still can hurt. Give him space as well as yourself. And don't keep an eye out on him. Especially if he is not thinking about you. Just take this time and do things you like and not wait for him to call or text or say hey I made a mistake, it may never happen.

Take it one day at a time, the first step is acceptance that it is over, and then from there you can start healing.

Good luck

kaneda, you should really delete him off your online buddy list. It's borderline stalking if you keep invisible but keep checking his away messages or profile. You're only impeding your own recovery with this because if you see "out with *enter girls name*" you're going to get upset and fly onto this site and complain, where we will only tell you to delete him off the list. Trust me, get rid of his myspace, Facebook, bebo, phone number, AIM address... Everything

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Originally Posted by kaneda

Well,Losingit77, at least you guys wish each other well. Whereas when i wished him all the best (honestly) he responded with "Yeah ,well you dont deserve a "farewell,live and prosper",so you're not getting one". Seriously, shouldnt the dumpee be so bitter?

Still on day6. I'm holding out, though i am online with an "invisible" status on to keep an eye on him ... Today is well ... a big day for him... so dunno,i'm hanging around for a bit but NO TALKING.

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Lose all contact of him. This is only holding you back. In fact I can say in my own case that this is exactly what is stopping me, I have to see her and interact with her. If you don't have to, why punish yourself anymore.

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Originally Posted by kaneda

Well,Losingit77, at least you guys wish each other well. Whereas when i wished him all the best (honestly) he responded with "Yeah ,well you dont deserve a "farewell,live and prosper",so you're not getting one". Seriously, shouldnt the dumpee be so bitter?

Still on day6. I'm holding out, though i am online with an "invisible" status on to keep an eye on him ... Today is well ... a big day for him... so dunno,i'm hanging around for a bit but NO TALKING.

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In case the other 5 responses didn't sink in ill say the same thing.

Get rid of him from your buddy list. The idea behind no contact is to make sure you don't know anything about them. You found a loophole, and its going to come back to bite you in the a$$. You don't need to keep an eye on him.

The whole process is easier when you realize you know nothing about what's going on with them.