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chuff agrees: Nothing wrong with a little AMHD.com get together.

Couldn't agree more my friend :)

Well I find myself below square one today... So the day after we slept together (friday) after being broken up for only 3 weeks out of a 4 year relationship have gotten me no where but worse off than I was in the beginning. She texted me the next day to tell me that she didn't get into med school (like I thought) and would be moving the next day 6 hours away to do her masters. She than called me that night, where she continued to say that she didn't want us to be over but still didn't know if she could handle a relationship in her life right now. Everyone I told about what happened between us was pretty angry at me, and were very persistent that I could do way better and that what she was doing was really selfish and was more for her own benefit, because she got to see that I still really cared for her and that made her feel good. She asked me to come visit her the next weekend as well as call me daily. Its weird, I had convinced myself so much in those three weeks that I was way better off, and that she did treat me pretty horribly at times and that I did deserve way better... but when I thought she might come back I threw all that out the window. I have decided now that I really have to think without my heart, and use my head, I don't know why but I actually do feel more upset now than I did when the break happened. Just a warning, 99.99% of the time you are not going to get back together with your ex, and in trying so or opening yourself up to it you are only opening yourself up for more pain... I could have been a month into NC by now and feeling better but now I am back to the beginning, this really truly sucks, my confidence is shot and I feel like I will never meet someone again... I have no one to blame for myself however, I definitely had fair warning. Thanks for letting me vent.

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Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

Everyone I told about what happened between us was pretty angry at me, and were very persistent that I could do way better and that what she was doing was really selfish and was more for her own benefit, because she got to see that I still really cared for her and that made her feel good.

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She is being selfish and doing what she wants for herself, so isn't it time you do the same?

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Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

Just a warning, 99.99% of the time you are not going to get back together with your ex, and in trying so or opening yourself up to it you are only opening yourself up for more pain... I could have been a month into NC by now and feeling better but now I am back to the beginning

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Hmmmm... sounds vaguely familiar :rolleyes:

Well,

For those who know what was happening, I saw her at the party and said hi. That was all. After the party, I went onto Facebook, changed the relationship status (I'm surprised that she hadn't) and sent her a quick message saying bye, maybe I'll see you around someday.

Should I go back to day 1?

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Originally Posted by movinrightalong

Well,

For those who know what was happening, I saw her at the party and said hi. That was all. After the party, I went onto facebook, changed the relationship status (I'm surprised that she hadn't) and sent her a quick message saying bye, maybe I'll see you around someday.

Should I go back to day 1?

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Are you expecting an answer back , is that why you sent her a message??

50 days of NC
... bloody hell :|

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Originally Posted by movinrightalong

and sent her a quick message saying bye, maybe I'll see you around someday.

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Terrible Idea, don't do it again.

Very tough. Yesterday was my birthday and I was half expecting a phone call from her. None came. We've been BU for 2.5 months and NC for 1.5.

We broke up 90 days before our wedding because of some mental issues she had and because of her parents not approving of our relationship (her parents caused her mental problems). I've half been expecting contact from her because she said she'd love to get back together with me once she got better.

I am doing my best to not wait around and date, but there are still hard days. I am not looking forward to the next time that I see her.

Sigh,today is the day I decided to seek professional help.Yes,indeed it's that bad. While Losingit77 is slowly moving on 2 months after the break up of a 4+ year (was it?) relationship,I am in month 5 of my depression over losining a relationship of 5 (FIVE) months.So yeah,professional help, I'm a comin'!

There is nothing wrong with getting a professional to guide you, one on one, through this process, Good idea, and good luck.

Nothing wrong at all Kaneda.

Whatever works for you is all that matters.

Hang in there, there will be light at the end of the tunnel soon enough.

Kaneda, that's the right thing to do...

Not only will you get over the problems your having now, you will be learning skills that will carry you through the rest of your life..

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An update on me, going on somewhere around a month plus some of NC. I have been feeling good lately. Keeping busy, going out, talking to people I haven't talked to in years. It feels good to be building my network a little bigger.

Odd turn last night, ex's step sister told me that I "have to go to the bar" with her and her friends soon. Just as friends, don't worry, but she says she is making sure I have fun this summer as "I have been neglected of fun for quite some time".

Go figure...

I wasn't and am not looking for a response.

I think that it was my way of saying that I'm done with you.

I have no intentions of talking to her again unless she makes contact. Even then, I doubt that I'll call her back. I am beginning to realize that she isn't worth my time and that I need to start looking forward instead of looking back.

I already realized that I don't want the relationship with her back because it wasn't as good as I thought it was while I was in it. It's just been hard to walk away from her and who she is. The thing is though, she is clearly not who she made herself out to be in the relationship and instead of still liking her, I am beginning to despise the person that she has become. Definitely not someone who I would deal with at the best of times. Maybe that's her way of dealing with the end maybe it's just her, but I don't need to worry about that. I just need to look out for me and that is what I have been starting to do.

Day 1 is now on. No time frame to talk to her again...

Good luck movinrightalong..
I was at the same stage too - I despise who she's turned into, but really - it doesn't matter.
I'm important (or in this case YOU) :P
I'll cross my fingers for you

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Originally Posted by movinrightalong

but I don't need to worry about that. I just need to look out for me and that is what I have been starting to do.

Day 1 is now on. No time frame to talk to her again...

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Exactly!!

I'm glad you've got your head on straight...

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Originally Posted by kaneda

Sigh,today is the day i decided to seek professional help.Yes,indeed its THAT bad. While Losingit77 is slowly moving on 2 months after the break up of a 4+ year (was it?) relationship,i am in month 5 of my depression over losining a relationship of 5 (FIVE) months.So yeah,professional help, i'm a comin'!

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I never understand why seeing a professional is considered a bad idea. There's nothing wrong at all with it and people who say otherwise are probably the ones who should see one the most. I had a friend who had some problems (not related to breakups, just overall depression) and I recommended therapy to her on several occasions. She kept telling me she couldn't because her mother would be upset. I kept pointing out she was 26 years old and her mother didn't control her anymore but she used that excuse and finally I said "if you broke your arm would your mother tell you not to see a doctor?" Of course not was the answer and the same can be said for emotional or psychological help. If something is wrong there is no shame in seeking out help to fix it.

Also, I just want to say as a non-professional your depression may not be linked to the breakup but something completely different.

Nothing to feel bad about with seeking the assistance of professional help... I have been going to a therapist for 2 years.. off and on. I have probably gone about 15 times in all. People always think that people that see a therapist have a screw loose, not the case, I would consider myself a normal guy and I find that a therapist could help a lot of people through their rough patches. I know I could get myself through all this on my own but talking with a trained professional has gotten me threw things quicker and with a better understanding of them. I mean my insurance pays for it so why not take advantage of a great tool. Funny thing is that I started seeing my therapist because of the turmoil my girlfriend has put me through, and every meeting with her has been about her... I mean that alone should let me know that I am way better off without her right??

I have some small items from my ex (car remote, some vitamins etc... ). I have been NC with her for 1.5 months now. Should I just throw the items out, give them to a mutual friend and ask him to tell her that he has some of her stuff, or email her tell her that she can get her stuff from him?

What is deemed "proper" in this situation?

As long as they aren't valuable its probably safe to just get rid of them, or pack them away and wait to see if she wants them. If she hasn't brought them up yet, it probably isn't that important. I wouldn't initiate communication if your only a month and a half in, you can never be too careful.

Hang on to them and wait and see if she ever asks for them, or just throw them out. She went without them for a month and a half, I doubt they are that important.

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What is deemed "proper" in this situation?

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Put them in a box and store them in a closet. For now, stay with no contact and heal, and let things concerning your ex, go until you are better able to deal with it. Not now.

Is giving them to a friend and just saying "give these to her" contact though?

Do you want her to think that your sitting around thinking about her?

Do you want to risk her calling you because you just opened the door for communication?

Would you be able to handle talking to her if she were to call?

If not, would it crush you to ignore her phone call?

... you decide

I am not arguing with you, you have good advice. But if I just give them to a friend, doesn't that send the message that I didn't want to contact her and that I moved on from where we were? Or is total NC usually the best. I don't think she'd call me. Yesterday was my birthday, she didn't call me on that, so Im assuming she's not sitting around thinking about me anyway.

I didn't say you were arguing with me, relax :)

You probably could give her friend the things and let her give them back. That would avoid any direct communication from you to her, but what I am saying is that you have to be sure that on the slight off chance it does happen, you can handle it.

Chances are, nothing will come of it, but I don't want you to give back her things hoping to get a response. I hope you aren't upset about not getting a call on your birthday and trying to use her stuff to stir up a response -- THAT is the wrong thing to do.

If your simply trying to give back her stuff, and you can handle the remote chance that she will try to contact you, then go for it. I just want you to think it through before you do it.

P.S. Happy Birthday :)

Thanks for the advice bigbird. I know you weren't arguing with me, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate your advice but I respectfully disagreed with part of it.

I'm not trying to use up this stuff to stir up a response, I'm just trying to be the nice guy. I highly incredibly doubt she'd contact me at all. To make a long story short, she abruptly broke up with me due to mental issues she was having and left the door open for us in the future and I know she took the BU very hard (2.5 months ago). Since then, she has cut all contact with me, and even cut out any mutual friends/hobbies that we had. So I highly doubt she will call me thanking me for her stuff.

If its so insignificant, why are you so adament sounding about it, and in such a hurry to be a "nice guy"? Hide the box, and let go! Bring no one into the equation, and deal with you, and not her. Why do I say that? Because its a last ditch effort, to let her know your thinking of her, and you still care, and that is the very attitude that needs to be left in the past. If I'm wrong, then throw the stuff in a box, and forget this whole line of thinking. You have a lot more to deal with than her junk.

Third party contact, is still contact.

Tonight I'm a bit annoyed. For the past few weeks I have been started to wear a chain which my ex bought me again. It says her name on the back of it and tonight I dropped it when I was playing football. Someone came into the changing rooms after the match and had found it and told everyone in the changing rooms what it said on my chain. There is a couple of people that are mutual friends with me and my ex so there is no doubt that they will tell her that I've been wearing the chain :(

I wouldn't worry about it DazT...

Wearing the chain shows that you respect and appreciate what you guys had. It would be much worse for you to throw it away or try to give it back. She gave it to you with every intention of you enjoying it and wearing it, so that's what your doing...

Do you really think she would rather you never wear it? Would you rather she threw away and forgot about everything you ever bought for her? Doubt it..

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

I wouldn't worry about it DazT...

Wearing the chain shows that you respect and appreciate what you guys had. It would be much worse for you to throw it away or try to give it back. She gave it to you with every intention of you enjoying it and wearing it, so thats what your doing...

Do you really think she would rather you never wear it? Would you rather she threw away and forgot about everything you ever bought for her? Doubt it..

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I have to spread the love a little more, but goodness man... the advice from you is immaculate. Keep it up.

Thanks, I'm doing my best to give back :)

Wellll, today I got a call twice from my ex's best friend and once from my ex. Both times I didn't answer. Both left me a voicemail saying "oh yea my friend needs help in a psych course, could you please call her and help her out. I dont know if u're trying to avoid me but this is important".

Later her friend texted me saying that she needed my help. I was like , so I called her and helped her out, kept it to the point and no further.

I don't know if that's breaking NC but I didn't give her the chance to ask me what I did or how I was doing. Just straight to the conversation and that's it.

Well I was doing pretty well, I went out on a date last night with a great guy who is toatally into me maybe a little too much for right now... anyway have been feeling pretty good today but then one of my friends just said they saw an update on my ex's Facebook that he had quit his job, and started another one... it is a weird feeling about hearing him having such a big thing like that happen in his life and not being aware of it. In a way I have this urge to text him and say congrats on the new job, even though I know it would achieve nothing. Don't worry I won't contact him but I hate that the feeling is still there!!

Alright guys i need your help. This is what my ex just sent me on facebook

"Anna(made up name), ill always be there whenever you need me"

those are the words i remember u saying before u dropped me off at my house. and for some odd reason i dont seem to be getting that "friend" vibe from you. u take me of msn, facebook and dont return any of my phone calls...

have u forgotten about ur ex-girlfriend already?

spion_kop, i know your trying to forget about me, and move on, but please see where i'm coming from. i havent spoken to u in sometime now, and i want to see how things are.

today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing.

if u really DONT want to be friends with me, please say so. ill have to then continue life without u. i never ever wanted to do that....but please, if u dont want to be friends then just say so. please dont say that u'll be there for me, and then not be there when i need you....

please dont be a stranger..

What to say in return guys

Spion,

I know how tough it is when the ex pushes for contact like that. Personally, I'd ignore it. The straw for me would be the fact that she wants to talk to you about her boyfriend? I mean, honestly, how naïve can you be?

I would take that as a slap in the face and definitely not respond. She is just trying to see if you are there, if you are hurting because it looks like she is missing you. Don't let that bring you back in and ruin the progress your making with NC. It isn't worth it.

Note that I said it looks like she is missing you, but it certainly wouldn't be the first time I've seen an ex say anything they could to make sure the other is sitting by waiting to hear from them. Its an immature way to gain the power back (and for you to lose it).

"today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing."

Wow, the nerve she has to say that... leaves you (makes you miserable), finds a new boyfriend right away and thinks you should be there for her when things aren't going her way. I am sure if you did try and talk to her as a friend she would tell you all about the fight...

Walk away from this one buddy, if she is too dense to see that being your friend through all this would be detrimental to you than she really isn't much of a person. When she dumped you she lost everything, including your friendship. Don't respond, its her problem so let her deal with it.

Sorry, if I had received that I wouldn't be too impressed...

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Originally Posted by spion_kop

Alright guys i need your help. This is what my ex just sent me on facebook

"Anna(made up name), ill always be there whenever you need me"

those are the words i remember u saying before u dropped me off at my house. and for some odd reason i dont seem to be getting that "friend" vibe from you. u take me of msn, facebook and dont return any of my phone calls...

have u forgotten about ur ex-girlfriend already?

spion_kop, i know your trying to forget about me, and move on, but please see where i'm coming from. i havent spoken to u in sometime now, and i want to see how things are.

today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing.

if u really DONT want to be friends with me, please say so. ill have to then continue life without u. i never ever wanted to do that....but please, if u dont want to be friends then just say so. please dont say that u'll be there for me, and then not be there when i need you....

please dont be a stranger..

what to say in return guys

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Not your problem... what would she say if you asked her for help??

Aw god damn! I'm in the early stages of depression again,and its only day 4 of NC . I sleps for over 10 hours,that's never good.

Spin... reading things like that actually make me angry at how us girls can be sometimes, she still wants your attention even though she choose to end it with it is so selfish of her! I would be toatally gutted if my ex sent something like that to me esp mentioning her new b/f! That is just rude. Ignore her she does not deserve the time of day.

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Originally Posted by spion_kop

Alright guys i need your help. This is what my ex just sent me on facebook

"Anna(made up name), ill always be there whenever you need me"

those are the words i remember u saying before u dropped me off at my house. and for some odd reason i dont seem to be getting that "friend" vibe from you. u take me of msn, facebook and dont return any of my phone calls...

have u forgotten about ur ex-girlfriend already?

spion_kop, i know your trying to forget about me, and move on, but please see where i'm coming from. i havent spoken to u in sometime now, and i want to see how things are.

today i really wanted some comfort...and u werent there for me. i had a huge fight with my bf, and not that i was turning to u for advice or anything. i just wanted to see how u were doing.

if u really DONT want to be friends with me, please say so. ill have to then continue life without u. i never ever wanted to do that....but please, if u dont want to be friends then just say so. please dont say that u'll be there for me, and then not be there when i need you....

please dont be a stranger..

what to say in return guys

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Seems to me like she's poking the bear... she wants you to respond, its her sick little game, let her play it without you. Good on you coming here before you even thought about responding.

If you do respond, she's going to think she's still got you around her finger... listen to Tal's simple, yet great advice: "Disappear". Delete the message and just go along as if you never got it...

I bit when my ex sent me anything, and I regret every time I responded.

I feel for you man, I really do but you got to see what she is doing, and the nerve of telling you about her boyfriend... wow... total lack of respect for you there. Her loss my friend, move on as best you can.