This is so completely irrelevant but... I got confused, really confused then, because my real name is Lola. Lol
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This is so completely irrelevant but... I got confused, really confused then, because my real name is Lola. Lol
Closure is a fallacy! Usually "closure" equates to hearing things you probably would rather not hear. Trust all of us who've been there. Trying to get "closure" usually just winds up dragging on the agony. There's no way to tie a nice little bow around a breakup and call it "closure". Just give your ex'es exactly what they want and exactly what you need to start healing and moving on. And that's NC and to disappear from their lives. It sucks and it sounds heartless and unimaginable, but trust all of us who've been there, it's the only thing that'll start you on the path to feeling better again.
This isn't my 1st break up.. I know how it goes. Usually when I've been in a long relationship over 3 yrs, I've had 3 of them... we break up for reasons.. we say our peace and its over. This is different.. Ive never done a break.. and it may mean we will break up.. but for now I don't care. I couldn't move on to a new guy if I tried. How is that fair to a new guy? I couldn't get romantically involved without feeling bad about it or disgusted. Its unresolved business.. maybe I shouldn't have called it closure...
I think I deserve the respect to get a straight answer out of him. And I will get it. Even if I have to go to CA myself.. I will find out what I need to move on. Ive never had outstanding ques.. or what if's in any of my relationships. We have all ended knowing what was up.
I think everyone's a bit disgruntled on here... I wanted some positive feedback not all negative bashing...
Hey lola,
I don't think you should take the feedback on here as negative bashing. Maybe you're looking for a specific type of answer and reaction. I'm sorry you're not getting it.
I've been on a "break" before that subsequently, turned into a breakup. From my experience, they are usually synonymous. Then again, I may be wrong.
I've read your initial post regarding your relationship troubles. I admire your determination and your willingness to take action. Your boyfriend, obviously, does not share these same qualities when it comes to relationships (or at least in continuing them or bringing them to a some sort of culmination). I think the fact that your boyfriend can't muster enough decency to break it off completely (or not) after a serious, 3-year-long relationship says a lot. He just doesn't seem as though he's in a place right now to handle a relationship much less himself.
I'm not sure if I'm of any help, but I say do what's best for you. If this means going to California and demanding answers from him, by all means, go for it. Just know that his answers (or lack thereof) may not be the ones you want to hear and you may even lose your self-confidence, dignity, and pride in the process. Then again, maybe that's what you want to do/hear in order to move on.
I'm really sorry you have to go through all this frustration. I guess the other route is to wait it out, to which I don't think you're too partial from the likes of your posts. (Who is? ) Perhaps you should ask him how long he plans to maintain this "break"? I mean, is it really worth it, if it's driving you nuts?
Keep us updated.
Another fellow AMHD-er currently on a "break,"
J
Jilted:
Couldn't have said it better myself.
Hey NC calender people... its been a week or so since I last talked to my ex of two years. Its been rough... very rough.. I miscarried his baby.. and he said he still loves the girlfriend he is with (together for maybe a month) and that he only wants to be "friends"... im very angry, but has somewhat accepted why things went they way they did... I haven't spoken to him at all, and deleted him from phone/myspace etc. he said he friends are willing to fight to make sure him and his girlfriend stay together, like actual fighting, and I find it so immature... the thing is, I miss the old him.. not who he is now. So... yeah... im just tired of drama...
He's a piece of trash. He thinks he loves his girlfriend and his friends are willing to fight for him? That's so stupid.Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInHisEyez
Nobody is going to fight for you in the real world.
Quote:
Originally Posted by hjpan
EXACTLY! That's what I'm saying! He is trash, but he was the father of my baby for a little bit until I lost it, and I just have a lot of unresolved feelings.. mostly anger.when I told him about the miscarriage ( I was unaware of my pregnancy either ) he had the nerve to ask if it was his, WE WERE TOGETHER FOR TWO YEARS!. utter madness.
Yeh... I knew guys in high school who were stupid pricks...Quote:
Originally Posted by LostInHisEyez
some got girls pregnant and ran off... =/
Life is harsh D;
My girlfriend (now ex) of one year four months took off a week prior to my finals D;
calls me now & then.... have not spoken to her for about three to four weeks
Quote:
Originally Posted by hjpan
That's good to hear about not talking, its been I don't know maybe a week or two, but the sad thing is that I'm going to visit some old teachers, and he works there at the school.. so we're bound to talk again, and it worries me...
Two weeks of NC exactly. Longest. Period.ever.
I wish he'd find and contact me and say he wants to start all over again... and I know that's not happening. Sigh
Quote:
Originally Posted by kaneda
Would you be willing to if he did? Could you put the fact that he broke up with you behind you? Would you be willing to risk all of this hurt/anger/sadness again, just for something that most likely will end the same way? I've been there - after a breakup and a reunion, its not the same - trust me on that one.
As far as the closure debate goes, I just want to say one thing. It seems to me that most people who use the "closure" word are using it as a guise to have contact one last time. It's a last ditch effort. I'm not saying you don't deserve decency and closure, hell I wish I got it, but it doesn't happen. I never got it, I'm not looking for it, it isn't worth it.
Closure (psychology - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia)
Talaniman definition of closure- Accepting the situation, and dealing with it, in a proactive positive way.
After a break up, healing is your closure, then you can see the situation a lot more objectively, after coping with the emotional fall out.
This is very true. I too said I wanted closure. Thanks to people here I soon realized what I really wanted was to try and my ex to see that she had somehow made a mistake in ditching me. I realize this now and as much as it hurts I know that the fact that she has pretty much ignored me or made false promises over the last 6 weeks is closure enough.Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
If the ex (man or woman) wants to try again with us they will let us know. This is especially true if they did they dumping.
Its amazing how predictable this whole break up thing is. You could almost write a textbook about the feelings you go through, and the progress you make. From what I've seen this is how it goes:
1) You search on this site for, lets face it, a way we can get them back - we know its over but there's part of us that tries to find a way.
2) People say to go no contact, forget them and move on
3) You kind of listen and know it makes sense, but part of you thinks "well this is a bit of a discruntled bunch, maybe they're wrong".
4) You break no contact and get screwed over (this might happen a few times)
5) You stick to NC and recover a hell of a lot quicker than you think. Meanwhile part of you still wants them to contact you. They might do in which case you'll probably end up breaking up anyway somewhere down the line, or they might not which nips it in the bud earlier and saves the hastle.
I don't know where I heard this but apparently only 3% of people get back together after a major breakup and stick together (that needs citing which frankly I can't be bothered to do).
At the end of the day, there's about 3 billion (or 6 depending on your preferences) other people to choose from so why get cut up over 1 of them.
I might be wrong here and if so, feel free to slate what I just said. Im only a newby.
Yea it might be true that if you break the NC we might not get what we want to hear..
But to hear them maybe say it again it could sink in better.. For those of us who hang on to the last thread,
This is the 1st time Ive been dumped. Maybe that's why I refuse to let go.
I've dumped my last 4 bf's... never did a "break" said see you later and moved on. I never made it "maybe" we'll get back together.. I cut it ALL OFF>
So this method is ODD to me.. Who drags someone along? A coward? It makes me sick to think the man Ive been with is a coward. And can be cold hearted? I can't believe it! I really cant.
After all this.. THIS is how you want to end things? Without being face to face? Who breaks up over the phone!! That's why I didn't think that would be IT.
ITS RUDE!! Its disrespecting! BE a man and face me! I seriously won't get over it until I see his face.
You guys see your bf's and girlfriend.. mine is 3,000 miles away...
He said he was coming home.. I figured I wouldve seen him by now. I won't give up until he straight up admits he doesn't love me. Which he hasn't done!
He says he still loves me and to give him some time.
Which he may or may not be dragging me on..
From the outside it looks that way..
But shouldn't I call and find out? Do I start telling my family we broke up? OMG I can't do it! They would all be devastated!
Sometimes I wish I had no family or friends then I wouldn't have to live you to anyone's expectations.
I was the same lola, I'd never been dumped before, apart from in stupid relationships when I was about 11. It's a real blow to your pride, I think that's the worst thing; you feel like you've been betrayed. I felt like I'd spent 2.5 years building my ex's confidence and in the end she thought she was too good for me. Weird, considering before I started dating her she was a bit of social recluse and frankly I always thought I was too good for her. Its odd how things change. Your BF's obviously a coward if he left you hanging like that, so you don't owe him anything. You don't need to wait for an answer, especially him saying he doesn't love you. I think all of us on here have thought they wanted that at some point, but after a while you'll realise its bs. Time heals all wounds, not them. Maybe you should at least give it a couple of weeks no contact so your emotions settle down slightly.
Jammy
Yea my emotions are high this week.. Plus with our anniversary next week.. I'm having anxiety over it. Will he call won't he call.. UGH> I plan on getting pretty drunk sat night with some friends so Im hoping I'll forget the pain for a few hrs...
He told me about all the stresses in his life. Said he needs a therapist.. told me that 1st.. THEN broke the news he wanted a break.. and thought that if by telling me he was going to see a therapist id understand more.. not a chance... I exploded with crying Id say over 2 days we were on the phone 4 hrs of me hyperventilating.. classy huh?
He said I make him the center of his universe.. which I didn't see that I did. How can you keep up a LDR if you don't call! That amazed me.
He seems selfish. He always said it was all about me.. that I was his best friend! Just recently he mentioned to his mom how am I going to top this wedding. Meaning his sisters who just got married.. like why even say that! Why throw out a bone here and there!
When we went 5 yrs with not a mention of marriage.. it was all so bizarre to me.. the whole lets break. I was id say 75% sure he was getting himself ready to get married this year or next... the way he looked at me! OMG it was so loving!
I said to him how could you just do a complete 180! He didn't really answer it but said I always make things black and white...
Like that confused me.. what does that even mean. Are we in a grey area right now.. an iffy area? Where it can still go either way...
So you think calling next week is a bad idea? Or do I have a right to know after 2 months?
Its just as amazing that everyone thinks their situation is unique and they are the first to go through it.Quote:
Originally Posted by jammyb
I studied a bit of pshcology a few years ago and the interesting thing I took from it was that human beings are reletively the same once you peel away personality, likes and dislikes, culture, and societal influence. In other words we all have different lives we lead but underneath it are drives and emotions are coming from out brains, which for the most part are designed to do the same things for every human.Quote:
Originally Posted by jammyb
Are emotions are should be protecting us and as such they often get in the way of us seeing what's really going on.
Never quite understood this... Why drink to feel better knowing that alcohol is a depressant. Do what you want, but be careful. People have been known to make bad decisions when they are drunk. Wouldn't want to slip up and call him, would you?Quote:
Originally Posted by lola nyc
Personally, I never had the urge to drink when I'm not feeling great. My opinion - drink to make yourself have a better time than your already having, if I'm in a bad mood, I just don't feel like doing it.
Ever drink tequila?? LOL
No Ive already been drunk over the past few weeks and haven't called.. I never drunk dial. Never did. Not wasted literally.. 4 beers.. or 2 martinis.. that's as far as I go.. I don't want to get sick! Im old I'm not 18.. I know how to drink.
Im not drinking alone.. then I might get depressed!
I went to the beach had a few beers had a great time.. didn't feel depressed at all.. When the work week came back it gave me time to ponder my crappy situation. Felt crappy again.. I go out drink feel better.. I don't know it puts me in a good mood..
Im just going to have some fun and wait and see. I still have hope and I didn't come on the board to be bashed. I thought people would be nicer or more open..
If I wanted stick it in your face bluntness I would talk to my MOM!
I bet there are tons of people on here going through almost the same thing still having some hope... love doesn't DIE that quick! I can't turn it off like that.
I certainly didn't try to "bash" you or give you "stick it in your face bluntness". I was just expressing concerns and giving you my advice/opinion on the situation. For the first month or two after my breakup, every time I drank I woke up the next morning feeling worse than I did the night before. I was just trying to help you out.Quote:
Originally Posted by lola nyc
Take it how you will.
Sorry bigbird,
The way u had depressant bolded.. made me feel like you thought I was stupid and didn't know how to handle my drinks.. didn't mean to offend u.
No worries, just wanted to emphasize it - some of the stories we get around here... :rolleyes:Quote:
Originally Posted by lola nyc
F**k it, I was wrecked constantly for a good couple of weeks after the break up. It got me off my butt and out seeing mates. In my opinion they're probably the most important thing after a break up. If its an excuse to get out, why not? The drunk dialling is a real killer though, Bigbird has a damn good point. So are the hangovers.
To be honest though lola, its not that we're not being open/nice; I think its just that people aren't rreally themselves in this situation. People do stupid things and need the obvious pointing out to them. I know I did anyway, but screw it if you honestly think you should call him maybe you should, then hopefully u'll get the closure you want. Let us know how it goes
Lol. I feel like that is an expected turn-of-events soon after a break up. First, booze yourself away. Afterwards (and perhaps throughout), feel like sh*t and, because you cannot run away from the opened can of angst and gloom, start the difficult process of dealing with -shudder- feelings.
So I'm visiting my friend next weekend, which is where my ex currently resides. I know I shouldn't, but I'm curious to see what would happen if I told him I'll be around. I don't feel much for him at all, which is not even disappointing because I don't really care in that way anymore (lol- feelings are fickle). I'm just curious.
... I know there's a lot wrong with what I just said. Oh MAN. Hahaha. Just ignore me... -__-
Going back to studying for LSATs,
J
Tell him to fuq off when he tries to talk to youQuote:
Originally Posted by LostInHisEyez
So this is my 3rd day of no contact... before the breakup if we weren't together, we would talk on AIM a lot... now we both still go on it on some nights, seeing her online frustrates me sometimes because I want to talk to her but I know that'll only make me feel worse (happened 3 days ago)... so today I just went up and blocked her, this way I won't know when she's online and she won't know when I am, I won't feel bad about her not talking to me and I won't feel tempted to talk to her and make things worse for myself... as trivial as this may sound it's big for me and I think will help a lot in the healing
That is a very wise decision, and is recommended to everyone who comes here.
Agreed, and the same goes for Facebook, myspace, and your cell phone!Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
Lola if he says he needs time and you love him then isn't giving what he asks for the best thing? From what I can see this is all about what you want. In reading your posts I see little about you wanting the best for the man you love. If he wants you he will come back to you. Our ex's know how to get in touch with us.
I too hate being apart from my ex. It feels horrible not being wanted by the one we love. Nobody here is attacking you. People here are trying to help you avoid going through a hell of a lot of pain.
I also thought that I needed to see my ex just so she could look in my eyes and tell me she did not love me. BS! Investing time in a single person who has decided she does not want me, when there are others out there who maybe available makes no sense.
Last night, I had a dream of my ex going out with another guy. I woke up annoyed and it's stuck in my brain... damn~
This morning, I saw my ex on MSN but I did not want to talk to her... it seems like she's "okay" with this break up cause she has no feelings for me. Well, I thought of myself that one day I'll be on TV and tell the audience what happened to me and how this girl was an a$$.... I also told myself that I will have a better future than my ex and if she came to me for help, I'll tell her to fuq off...
for the dream.. is it normal?
for my idea.. is it ok?
Hi hjpan. Why do you still have your ex on MSN? What is that doing for your piece of mind mate?
I think your dream and your feelings are normal. We can think or dream about whatever we want. Just don't act on those thoughts. Wanting to tell your ex to fark off is normal. We just want our ex's to feel the same sense of pain we have been through. I wonder what I will say when I run into my ex next quarter. I know I will run into her as we are in the same major. I do not think I will be mean to her. It is more likely I will say hello as I walk by and leave it at that. I often think of all kinds of mean things I would like to say to her but in reality I just want her to be happy with or without me.
You seem like a good guy hjpan. Go easy on yourself and be good to yourself.
F104-Great advice.
hjpan-while your thoughts are normal, let me say your not busy enough. When you have those waking thoughts of anger, that's when you have to get busy.
One thing healing gives is a realistic view of the world around you, and very little time to dwell. Holding on to resentments always builds anger that, either motivates or debilitates. Be honest, where are you on this? Can you see progress in yourself?
Hey there f104..Quote:
Originally Posted by f104
I have my ex on MSN cause she never logs on and just by chance, she is on... It does not bother me cause I don't talk to her... I talk to my other friends
Well, I really want to tell her to go effe herself and make fun of her future that is not stable. For me, I won't be running into my ex in San Francisco cause I'll be going to technical school for hands-on training and returning back to university to study; by that time, I will be working part time & studying part time....Quote:
Originally Posted by f104
Thanks :D
I can see myself be successful as long as I strive to continue myself to go on and leave the 8itch ex behind...Quote:
Originally Posted by talaniman
This afternoon, I was on facebook when my ex & I started talking a bit. I told her straight up that I'm not going back to the university and I'll be working (false plan). She's like "ok.. whatever.." attitude...
Well, I am now more eager to make her feel like sh8 as she did to me in the past..
thanks for helping me around~ I should help around too :)
..!
Hj, you're trying to make your ex feel bad?. classic sign that you're not trying to feel better buddy. It's not about revenge, it's simply about "healing"...
You can get revenge after you've healed... if you want. Sometimes, though, just the fact that you've healed is revenge enough. For instance, I was out with a smoking hottie what... mm... 2 weeks ago?. ran into my ex. It was weird, as... it was MY favorite restaurant... not sure what she was doing there with her boyfriend, but alas.
But yeah, I definitely won THAT battle. My girl could NOT be touched.
Hmmm... I guess it is revengeQuote:
Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny
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