Ask Me Help Desk - The NC Calendar II

Quote:

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

Entirely too common of a feeling. You're right, that whole "it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all"...is bs at this point. Only after you're over the girl and have "bettered" yourself, will you realize that it's true. As for now, yes, being angry, being sad, feeling like there's nothing left for you...is normal.

However, everyone on this thread is right. You gotta focus on yourself. You gotta do you.

Thanks for the reply Sneeze, that seems to make sense. I hope I can reach that point soon. On a side note, I just read your entire thread the other day (I am doing NC. What about her) and it's really amazing how similar our stories are, I almost couldn't believe it... from the reasons for the break up, to how she was one of those stressed out "wanting to please everyone types," to how she already has a "new guy" (and denies it), to how she never drank before but now is starting to. She was also one who was genuine, would never play games types, but has changed that since the break up. Plus I am asian too :). Just thought I'd share that...

Yeah, one thing that amazed me when I was first here on this forum was that I thought I was the only one going through this crap, then I found out there's THOUSANDS of guys in the same situation.

Thanks for reading my entire thread... that's a long thread too.

Hang in there hav0k, it gets better, in fact, it gets better than better. I'm on day... what... I've lost count... something like 6 months? I just feel overall in better control of my life... physically/emotionally. I also feel much lighter and more relaxed... being single for a little bit is definitely liberating and less burdensome.

Hang in there.

Quote:

I really feel like I can never go back (she was my first...). I know you guys say to work on bettering yourself, go out more, pick up new hobbies, keep yourself busy, etc. but I just feel like there will always be that irreplaceable void.

First experiences are very hard on us emotionally, as we have no previous events in which to guide us through what is a very tough time. Be patient as you will eventually know how to cope with those very normal emotions, we humans have after a sudden loss.

When in the middle of those emotional storms we go through, we seldom see hope, but as you gain knowledge and experience, no matter how hard the times seem, it will get better, and there is no such thing as irreplaceable voids in your life. That's the lesson we learn , that saying goodbye to one life chapter, often ushers in another.

Well last night was my ex's boyfriend birthday. Those thoughts are seeping into my mind... all that physical touching... ugh... At least I went out and enjoyed my friend's birthday. It sux when you make up in the morning and you're in your bed thinking about what may happened. It's been more than 3 weeks of NC and so far so good.

On day 3. Feeling good. How's everybody else doing today?? Any cool happenings?

Grrr... just rememebered about that letter I sent to her. Lol. Whatta dummy move that was! Oh well. Better to smile about it then dwell. It's kind of funny what we do for relationships eh?

Quote:

Originally Posted by dollarman

Grrr...just rememebered about that letter I sent to her. Lol. Whatta dummy move that was! Oh well. Better to smile about it then dwell. It's kind of funny what we do for relationships eh?

What was the letter about? I have been contemplating doing that but I have resisted (probably the right thing to do).

There's a thread on this forum called "letters to our exes"

It's where we wrote letters and just sent them in... without actually sending to our exes. It helps.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hav0k

what was the letter about? I have been contemplating doing that but I have resisted (probably the right thing to do).

Don't do it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

there's a thread on this forum called "letters to our exes"

it's where we wrote letters and just sent them in...without actually sending to our exes. it helps.

Helps a lot, I recently went back and read what I wrote... wow, wasn't I an angry westy. However, I've come a long way since then and at this point I don't think I couldn't care less about the whole situation and my ex in general... also been about 5-6 months, I never kept track, but being single definitely has it's benefits... you will all learn that once again.

Just recently been on a slew of dates... still nothing to float my boat, and it just feels like I've been dating the same girl over and over again. But it makes me feel great that you can literally meet girls anywhere.

Basically it was me saying that I've been working hard, and that I have no hard feelings toward her. And I also mentioned starting over and working things slowly. It seemed like a good idea at the time, but now its like... any contact we've had recently I had to initiate and it wasn't hostile at all... I'm just like... she can start initiating. I mean, the upside is that the letter allowed me to relieve myself but at the same time move on. I do love her, but I'm not her doormat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hav0k

what was the letter about? I have been contemplating doing that but I have resisted (probably the right thing to do).

Don't do it!! There's really no point.

Originally Posted by hav0k
what was the letter about? I have been contemplating doing that but I have resisted (probably the right thing to do).

I agree, and hope you can keep resisting. Letters to our exes is the place to send it. My post is #41

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs+to+our+exes

(5 weeks in now)

Hey Guys,

Well my trip out west is just about coming to an end. I fly back home tomorrow. Got to admit though things are starting to get a little hard again. We haven't talked or anything but my mind is starting to think a lot about what she is up to and if she is with somebody yet. I am forgetting about how bad of a girlfriend she was and starting to think about only the good things. I suppose this is just one of the dips in the roller coaster that is a break up. I think it might have something to do with being far away with home not really knowing anyone (except my friend). I guess when you put a mind that is feeling down and lonely in that kind of situation is can make you feel pretty ty. I have caught myself a couple times being pretty quiet and it really bugs me that she this effect on me when I want to be having a good time.

Also, I feel ridiculous even saying it but have any of you guys gone through this... We have been going to the bars and clubs a lot the last few days, and whenever I see one of those douche bag guys that hit on every girl in the place, I picture him with my girlfriend... stupid I know...

She will be home on this week for grad so I think I might be getting nervous about seeing her out or her contacting me. She had told me before that she wanted to do dinner when she was home... I told her I would think about it but it would just set me back. I think I will just ignore everything from now on. I find that she contacts me a lot, and then when I open up to talking with her she feels better and stops contacting me. I can't play that game anymore. That's my update for now, any of those great words of wisdom you guys have would be great right about now.

Day 33

Been seeing this girl recently, and have barely thought about the ex. Great girl, real funny, real hot, really into me, couldn't be much better on paper.The ex popped into my head this morning and I thought; why not see how she's doing, I think I could handle it given my current great situation. So went on Facebook... and there was another post about her new boyfriend and her going for a day trip together. Thought for a brief while I thought they might have split and karma might have had its way, but that's a lesson learnt, no contact means no contact. Why the hell did I do it? Sorry guys.

By the way NNG, I know exactly what you mean about the guys hitting on your ex. Though they are also the same guys that women can see right through, even if they are really vulnerable after the breakup. Another one is that I always look whenever I see a car that looks like the ex's or the new bf's. I just can't stop myself.

One thing that you seem to have at least is that she is actually contacting you and that she is upset about you at least a little... think mines completely forgotten about me... bleak. Still though, NC is always the way forward.

NNG:

What your feeling is perfectly fine. It is tough, and as time goes on you begin to forget about the bad things in the relationship and miss the good - as nothing else seems to matter anymore. It really helps to stop and think rationally about why you broke up. Think back to the little fights that you had, how often you had them, and how they drove you nuts. Guaranteed there is something about her that drove you nuts before it ended - remember these things don't just "go away".

It's also perfectly normal to be upset by the thought of your ex with someone else. What usually comforts me is that she was just as, if not more, broken up by the breakup then I was. Therefore, I can assume that she is having as hard, if not a worse, time trying to move on and forget about me. Is this true? Hell if I know, but because of NC I can believe whatever I want :)

Jammy:
Don't sweat the Facebook issue. You aren't very far in yet, so its understandable that it would still upset you. You tested the waters and found out you weren't ready. Now you know for next time. I did the same thing and was worried that I would be set WAY back, but it only took a couple days and I was right back where I was before. It hurts, but it really shows you how far you have come in dealing with these sorts of things.

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but my mind is starting to think a lot about what she is up to and if she is with somebody yet. I am forgetting about how bad of a girlfriend she was and starting to think about only the good things

To keep your mind from playing tricks on you, remember the bad when you remember the good. Selective memory is not giving you the whole picture.

Normal for people that get dumped.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

To keep your mind from playing tricks on you, remember the bad when you remember the good. Selective memory is not giving you the whole picture.

Normal for people that get dumped.

Good advice, I agree. I have only been starting to do that. Before, I used to only reminisce about the good stuff but now I like to focus on her negative qualities too :). Now that I think about it, there are quite a few of them

It is a constant struggle between your heart and your head.

Your hearts sees only the good, your heart wants you to go running back because everything was perfect and you miss all those GREAT qualities. However, your head knows the negatives. Your head knows that even if you get back together, it won't work down the road.

Why else do so many of these "quick reconciliations" fail? No time to understand what happened and fix the problem. Comfort is no substitute for a REAL relationship.

Well haven't really been thinking of her lately but for the past 2 nights I have dreamt about her. No idea why - and it has her in the back of my head all day when I dream about her. In my dreams, she's telling me she has missed me every minute of the day and I respond negatively to her? Maybe I want her to be missing me, when, in reality, I don't think she is because she never bothers to contact me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by DazT

Well haven't really been thinking of her lately but for the past 2 nights I have dreamt about her. No idea why - and it has her in the back of my head all day when I dream about her. In my dreams, she's telling me she has missed me every minute of the day and I respond negatively to her?? Maybe I want her to be missing me, when, in reality, I don't think she is because she never bothers to contact me.

Dreams are dreams. Random firings from your brain while you sleep. No doubt she was on your mind during the day, and the thoughts fell over to your sleep. Don't think too much into it. Happens to everyone.

on Day 6 of NC and she's not supposed to be gone longer than 7...
(details are on my thread, it's the only one I've created, check my profile)

Its really starting to sink in that she isn't coming back tomorrow... I have tomorrow off and I don't know what I am going to do with myself.

I need to think in the now though and focus on today and worry about tomorrow when it comes. Long day of work ahead of me (1pm - 10pm, dreading it already)

Just trying to get some of this out so I don't feel weird ALL day long x.x

-Sik

Well a little over 2 months since we broke up. Can't/don't count NC anymore since we actually spoke twice the weekend (he called 5 times).

It was weird. We just chatted like old friends. I got to say. I really didn't feel any of those old feelings. We talked. Hung up and that was it. No crying. No sleepless nights. Nothing. Weird. Guess feelings can diminish and we can get control of our heart and emotions sometimes.

To be honest, he honestly sounded surprised and a little confused by how apathetic I seemed. But, whatever. He knows he'll always hold a special place in my heart. But the last 2 months (and really more so the last 2 weeks) have given me a lot of time to realize that our relationship had to end. Not because there is anything wrong with him or anything wrong with me. We just want different things out of life and we are just too incompatible. There's no winners and losers in breakups. Just 2 people who just aren't meant to be together. It feels good to finally be getting to this place. And the future looks bright.

Hang in there all. If you set your mind to it and really look hard enough, you can see the silver lining in what's happening to you right now.

It's Day 5 of no contact.

Day 4! I think my record is 7 days. Almost there... how's everyone doing today?

Quote:

Originally Posted by dollarman

Day 4! I think my record is 7 days. Almost there....how's everyone doing 2day?

Stressed as heck.

3 essays due this week.
2 final exams on Saturday... back to back... 3:30pm to 5:30pm & 6pm to 8pm

That's how college life rolls me =/

Hey don't be stressed man. Let the situation add a couple logs to your fire. I almost had a lapse and almost let myself get down about my situation, but then I read your post... I look at it two ways, we can either cry or smile. It's our choice to choose. Lol long-winded but good luck on those finals.

Quote:

Originally Posted by dollarman

Hey don't be stressed man. Let the situation add a couple logs to your fire. I almost had a lapse and almost let myself get down about my situation, but then I read your post....I look at it two ways, we can either cry or smile. It's our choice to choose. Lol long-winded but good luck on those finals.

Thankss =]

Hey Bird and Tal,

Just got home from my trip... haha the first thing I did was hit the computer to check what you had to say. Thanks for the words, they always help. Tomorrow is going to be a better day.

Day 7, she said she wouldn't be longer than a week (on her little trip, look at my thread for more info).

Also happens to be our 4 month... ugh how awkward.

-Sik

Tough it out. A thought that helps me through is that you didn't forget her words, and she didn't forget yours. The difference is you actually cared, and currently she doesn't. Phones work two-ways, not just a one way deal. If she can blow you off, let your wind blow stronger.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

(5 weeks in now)

Hey Guys,

Also, I feel ridiculous even saying it but have any of you guys gone through this.... We have been going to the bars and clubs a lot the last few days, and whenever I see one of those douche bag guys that hit on every girl in the place, I picture him with my girlfriend.... stupid I know...

Jesus northern! You read my mind. I get like this even at the gym, I never used to compare myself to other guys, but now I see all the other guys with better physiques and imagine them with her, thinking that her intentions are to upgrade from me.

I'm glad I don't feel alone in this. Thank you so much for speaking up about it!

And another thing to remember, you never want to reach out, get bitten, feel bad, cry about it, piss your friends off by talking about, then have to hop on here just to say you messed up. Then the classic line... "I broke NC, I'm back on Day 1 again". I want to be worlds away from day 1.

She's blocked//removed from everything as of right now so I'm not worried. She knows my phones on and I'm not going to break NC unless I decide that I need to tell her she's moving out and her stuff is all packed up.

All this just makes me wonder what in the world is going through her head...

-Sik

Good job on the blocking. Now let's work on worrying about her thoughts. You have to pretend to hold a mirror to her. Act as though she's completely forgotten you, and when you hold the 'mirror' up.. you need to reflect that. 'Forget' her in a sense, and focus on your thoughts. This is only going to strengthen you. There's plenty of support here... you're not alone.

I know and I appreciate that from everyone. Thanks.

Still trying to decide whether to break NC or not.

-Sik

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sikativ

I know and I appreciate that from everyone. Thanks.

Still trying to decide whether to break NC or not.

-Sik

Give some more time or so..

I'm trying my hardest not to call~ it's pretty rough.. 6 days

Sik,

Dollarman has some good advice for you. I think you should reread it. The idea of the mirror and "letting your wind blow stronger" are both great suggestions.

Don't worry about breaking NC, just keep going as you have been going. There is no reason to start over.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sikativ

I know and I appreciate that from everyone. Thanks.

Still trying to decide whether to break NC or not.

-Sik

I just commented on your thread, and in my view taking care of those loose ends, she left behind is business you should take care of, as soon as possible. Handling your personal business overrides no cantact, and no begging or whinig, Do what you have to, and be done.

When I was doing hard no contact I just looked at it this way, would you ever play through a whole videogame only to get to the final boss and turn off the system without saving? No flipping way! So why would you go 7 days and then want to start all over?

What you think will happen, she will come back to you and then next time you forget to fold your shirt the right way, she takes off running? She disrespected you, your family, your house. Just think, in the old times, that type of thing was punishable by DEATH! And you want to talk to her? I would say "come get your stuff on this date at this time, if not it will be on the curb. Thank you"