Hi everyone,

I'm a newbie to the forum so I hope that everyone can understand that I am in a new world of learning curves right now.

I would like to start by saying that I have read a lot of the posts here and admire and respect the words of wisdom and experience that I have read, may receive, and could possibly give someday.

I am thinking that it is time that I begin nc. I am hoping to go until June 15th or 5 weeks if I fail the first time around. I was thinking that in order for me to look out for #1, that this is a must.

I am learning that I need to take time time to reflect on my past relationship, what went wrong, and what I have learned from it so that I don't make the same mistakes in the future. I would like to have hope of a reconciliation, however, I have to believe and expect that it is not likely to happen. Even if it did, unless I learn t from my failure in the relationship, it would just fail again and to be honest, I really don't want to go though these feelings again.

I have a quick question before I enter the world of nc. Until the end of the month, we share an apartment where some of my things still are (I already kicked myself out). We have discussed that I can come and get them anytime I wish as I still have a key. She is okay with me being there when she is not and I would prefer that. This is simply to avoid the to the meaningless conversations that we may have. Also, I don't want to give her the pleasure of seeing me or knowing that I am getting past how she treated me (yes as much as I love her and care for her, there is some anger towards the fact that she ended it). I figured that since she ended it, that she will have to live with her decision on what she gave up (if she still cares). I know that I have to go there at least 2 or 3 times to take care of everything. Do these stops count as breaking nc?

Okay, I'm sorry, that was actually a long winded question but I'd be grateful for any thoughts.

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Originally Posted by movinrightalong

She is okay with me being there when she is not and I would prefer that.

thoughts.

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I think this is the way to go.

Don't worry about what constitutes breaking NC. That really doesn't matter. To be honest, at times NC isn't so black and white. If you want to get technical, if your going when she isn't there, then no, your not breaking NC. I agree with friend4u that you should go when she isn't there.

On a separate note, you sound to be very intelligent and have a very good grasp on what is going on. Know that it isn't going to be easy, but if I had to guess, I'd say you will handle it very well. Keep that head level and if you ever feel like slipping up, you know where to come first :)

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Originally Posted by losingit77

For those wondering if NC is the right thing to do, trust me..IT IS! Forget about what your ex needs, YOU need this NC time to clear your head and see things for what they really are.

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losingit,

Do me a favor next time you get a call/message/picture from him. Read this 3x okay?

(Dont worry, we forgive you:))

Argh losingit.. after all the praise you got!! :P
No matter we're all carrying the mantle for you - you'll catch up soon.
Anyone got an educated guess for who's next in line to break NC?
I got a few ideas ;0

Losingit... this is the first piece of advice I've given on this board as I've been a taker up until now. Have you heard the song "leave right now" by Will Young? If not YouTube it... it has served me as inspiration when I've been in your situation. I always use music to get me through things... I don't know if it will work for you but give it a go

It's not going to be me nickshehe! I'm on day... goodness knows.. she contacted me to ask her why I wrecked her bedroom, don't know if I'd count that as breaking N/C. But I've lost count and getting better and better.

Still think about her every day though.. and for some reason, seem to come on here even when I'm not thinking about her!

Not really having any problems myself, just waking up in the morning... but as soon as I get out of bed, I'm totally fine... its crazy, the power of starting the day!

Dazt welcome to my world! When I first started coming here, it was strictly for advice. Now I am here everyday, giving out advice the best I can and I don't have any problems with my ex or anything of that nature. This site is like crack, but with a better side effect

Well, I crashed and burned. See my new post "When I lose it, I really lose it". : ) I'll be fine though. Nothing NC can't fix.

Ever since my last post on my thread, I have gone completely NC. I hung out with my close friend and he really put things into perspective for me. He told me that if you were that amazing to her and she could do this to you, would you really want her back. It made so much sense to me. I realized that I didn't want her part of my life anymore. He also said that when things go wrong with her new bf/rebound lover (they hooked up after two days) she may try coming after you.
It's getting better and better each day. Whenever I think of her, I come on here and it helps me to realize that she messed up and it gets easier.

I keep telling myself that it's not a matter of luck but just a matter of time before I'm finally over her

Well I was on day 3 of NC after breaking it on Friday and he called twice today. I didn't answer but started getting my hopes up that this was him realising he'd made a terrible mistake. But just got a text asking for my bank details because he has the money he owes me. I feel completely deflated again. Why couldn't he have just text in the first place?

Yea that was like my ex texting me last night out of the blue and asking if I was OK. Spent all of this morning confused and thinking maybe there was a chance but thankfully I wised up after midday.

But why do they text or call afterwards?

Zoo... One word... GUILT! They feel guilty on what they did, not regretting it but guilty. They want to remain some type of contact because it's easier on them. DO NOT make it easier on them

How do you know there isn't a chance in your case?

I know exactly now why they call/text. Read my other posts. For them to cope with the breakup, its easier to keep us somewhat in their lives. They don't have to miss us as much cause they know we're only a phone call away and are too eager to eventually break and respond. Don't fall for it. If they dumped you, make sure they feel like they got dumped too.

Day 1 of reinstated NC! : (

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Originally Posted by AshleyStar

How do you know there isn't a chance in your case?

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This is going to sound weird but here goes...

I know I don't have a chance because even if she did want me back I honestly don't think I could. Too much has happened and she did kiss another guy while we where together so the trust would be gone, in fact id just be waiting around for her to end it again.

My heart is telling me I want her back and my head is telling me she's not worth it, its time to start listening to my head for once lol

"They call it a break up, because it's broken" Relationships end, they aren't all fairy tales. Usually when someone ends a relationship that tells you their isn't a chance. She has told him it's over, a few times, which would lead me along with a few others that it is indeed over.

It's not a movie, this isn't Hollywood where the girl will show up at his door, admit she made a mistake and they will live happily ever after! The quicker you get these false ideas out of your head the faster you will realize how the world works. Man up, or female up and get out there, show your ex's that they were a PART of your life Not the WHOLE thing.

If this came off mean or hurtful to anyone, I apologize but trust me you will thank me one day

I am still figuring out what to do. My ex told me that she loved me and just needed to work onherself. Even told me that she'd find me once she got better, make me break up with who I was with so we could be together again. That was 9weeks ago and have been NC for 6. Still confused.

I'm on NC day #10 after a 6 1/2 year relationship... I am the dumpee... never saw it coming, nor did any of our friends or family. We were known as "America's couple" and "Romeo & Juliet" by people we knew.

Man this NC is TOUGH. We haven't contacted each other in any form since the break up. So much has happened, although it's only been a little over a week. For example, I just got a new apartment to move into (ironically it's like 5 minutes from her house, nice area and price; I'm NOT stalking her). My first impulse would be to call her and tell her the big news, but I can't... my fingers ache to call her but I know that would be bad.

We were so intimate and in love for 5 1/2 solid years. We even played around with naming our kids and how many we wanted. Apparently it's just been the past 6 or so months that her feelings have dwindled. She said she can't continue to grow with me and she doesn't want the baggage of any relationship so she can focus on her competitive career. She even gave me the I love you so much and only want good things for your future, but I don't know if I'm "in love" with you anymore. She said she's finally trying to be brave and accept these feelings she is having rather than repress them out of her head. She doesn't want to be stuck in a relationship that is only kept around out of convenience and to avoid the pain of ending 7+ years with someone. It was bold and honorable on her end, but INSANELY painful for me. Although I'm certain she is in better shape than me, she is not a happy camper either right now; she was crying her eyes out along with me while breaking up. It was a very amicable break up. No hate or anger. Just confusion and tears, lots of tears from both of us.

I can't believe it actually happened. It came so suddenly. There was no foreshadowing whatsoever. I'm in utter shock. I'm still in the "I can't live without her" stage where it feels like my entire world has collapsed and I'll never be able to smile again. I feel like I can never be so intimate or spirtually "connected" with anyone else. She dominates my every thought... happy memories haunt me every hour of every day because we have 6 1/2 years worth of memories.

I'd do anything for one last "snuggle" in bed, even if just for 5 minutes... god I miss having her in my life.

We were 18 and 17 when we met 6 1/2 years ago, so we've been through a lot of major life changes together (high school, college, discovering our careers, adult identities etc.), it's is so hard to let it all go.

The thing with my NC is, we both agreed to meet post-breakup when we feel "okay" to talk because she really wanted to visit my mother's grave with me (it's a long story, but trust me when I say she sincerely wants to do this, no headgames). This is something that for some reason got put off for many years and is very important to both of us. She has words to say to her gravesite. I'm confident that within a few months we should be strong enough to meet on "business only" terms and close the final chapter of our 6 1/2 journey... we were both each others first big love and we have made our marks on each other. Even though we are broken up, we have been instrumental in shaping who we are today, for better, I guess.

I long for her to come running back. I have dreams that she calls me and says "baby, forgive me...Now I truly realize what we had and I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life with you" but I know these exist only in dreams 99% of the time. But I still believe it, which is painful. A friend of mine was broken up with after 8 years, but they got back together 6 months later and are now happily married.

Eraserhead: Im in a similar situation, though mine isn't as long as yours. I've had dreams when like those too. But I think to myself that if her and I were meant to be together than it will happen, but Im not going to be waiting around for it. I'm going to enjoy my life and move on. She WAS part of my life, but in the end it's YOUR life so you might as well enjoy it to the fullest.

Remember it takes a big person to end a relationship. It takes a bigger person to get back up once they've been dumped, dust themselves off, keep their chin up and walk away smiling knowing that tomorrow will be a better day.

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Dazt welcome to my world! When I first started coming here, it was strictly for advice. Now I am here everyday, giving out advice the best I can and I don't have any problems with my ex or anything of that nature. This site is like crack, but with a better side effect

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Me too :)

I'm going to be coming up on 2 months of NC. It's amazing, last week I felt great. At the 1 month point I could tell I was defenitly doing better. Feelings were dying down but I was still thinking about him constantly. This past week I sensed a huge change. I was feeling really happy. I wasn't thinking about him as much and I was feeling so good about things going on in my life. It felt amazing.

Today wasn't all that great. I feel a little sick and the weather is cold and rainy and I guess that made me a little depressed but I was thinking about him again. And instead of having that "i don't care" attitude that I had the week before, I was letting it get to me. I stupidly went to his Facebook just now which I haven't done for weeks. Nothing changed at all except his status said he was sick. Even though nothing was different I got upset and now I'm on the verge of crying and I have no idea why. I don't know if it's just because of the weather or maybe I'm just mad at myself for looking at his page. Maybe I was still secretly hoping that he would have broken up with his new girlfriend by now.
I'm sure I'll be fine later, I just felt like ramberling about it to get it out of my system.

For everyone struggling through NC, just remember you're not alone. And NC does help a lot. And even things like going to your ex's myspace or Facebook just hurts more. Just try to stay busy. I know everyone says this stuff, but it really does help. I came on here after I was dumped by the man who I actually thought I was going to end up marrying one day. (LOL! ) I almost made some stupid decisions... at one point I was thinking of writing a letter to him or trying to stay friends with him. Thank god for the people on this board... their words stopped me from doing those things and now I'm sooooo glad I didn't do them.

I just keep telling myself: Life is short. I learned from my experience and now I'm moving on to bigger and better things. The world didn't end, there's a lot of awesome stuff still out there to go and experience.

Bang on Rome,

I admit I read the book! Made me feel better.

My ex tried to contact me to obviously ease her guilt, but I cut her totally out of my life as she binned me. I must be on day 70 ish of NC now, and its going well.

Still have no interest in dating other girls yet, but I'm sure ill be back on the circuit soon.

When you get dumped, don't hang around to feed off any scraps the exes give you, as all it will do is stir up emotion inside you, and you'll be hoping that they want you back.

An email from an ex - you think they may want you back
A text " " - you think they may want you back

99 times out of a 100 they don't. They are being selfish by contacting you, its helping them not you.

Help yourself by getting gone. Best advice I've seen from Tal, when you get dumped, get gone.

Stay strong guys. Things do get better. Day by day

I just found out my ex has a new girl! God it makes me feel so sick I saw pics of them and she is really pretty not that it should matter... I guess it should really help me move on more but really it just makes me feel sick and sad... this sux it has been almost four months I should not be feeling like this now! It just shows me if I had stuck to N/C the whole time things would have been better and I would have probably been toatally over this!!

Lens21: don't worry these things happened. At least you're getting the picture of how much no contact works. Just be strong and realize that they are missing out on a great person, not you. My ex moved on in two days with some other guy. It completely destroyed me but that is when I realized the person that she was.

Spion, I guess in your case it would help if liverpool was doing better :P
Hah just kidding mate.. But I must say, my ex was the last thing that was on my mind when we lifted the trophy on Sunday.. hopefully Wednesday will be a good day too...
Whatever the case.. its great to watch a game of footy without the constant phone calls and nagging isn't it? :)

Tell me about it nickshehe. Before I even dated my ex she knew that liverpool was number one in my heart and she always had to compete with it, hahah just kidding. But yea, it does take your mind off a lot. Watching footy reminds me a lot about life. You win some and you lose some. You just have to have a strong mentality to keep you going.

NC is easier once you start hating their guts/disgust. Thanks to a phone call yesterday, I'm at that stage. Eventually, that'll subside into simply not caring anymore. I'm on the road to bigger and better things. Wow, I dodged a bullet on that one. I'm thankful now he dumped me... what the heck was I thinking before?

Haha well my story got moved to its own question even though its not really a question... more like a blog as the moderator called it... Anyway if you want to read it you can, but here's my two sense on this...

No contact, or at least the beginning, most people seem to be holding on to hope that their significant other is going to come back to them. And I think this hope gets in the way of doing any true healing, or at least I know it did for me. I think there is a moment for everybody where something snaps in them and they decide that they really are better off without the person, and that cloud of admiration surrounding them lifts and you can really see them for who they really are. Don't get me wrong, it still hurts like a b**ch but I think that I can now really truly start NC with the full intension of healing myself and moving forward. Of course there are going to be bumps in the road, but that's what you guys are here for. Thanks for hearing me out and really, I am sorry for the length of all that, it just felt better to write it down.

Well, survived another day w/nc.

Just got some interesting news that will affect my nc though.

Next weekend is a long weekend here and my best friend and his wife are holding a party that we are both invited to. The catch is that the ex is really good friends with her and he is my best friend.

I have no intention of missing out on this event simply because she will be there. These were my friends long before they were hers and they will continue to be long after her. However everyone else are mutual friends.

I am considering the polite distance thing with her, but I am worried about two things.

First is the comfort level - Tension could be so thick you could cut it with a knife.

Second and more importantly, people at the party trying to get involved in something that is really none of their business.

I know that it's another long winded question, but should I assume that if she does attend, that I need to start all over on my nc? I fully intend to keep my distance from her and will be able to calmly and maturely talk to her if she initiate the conversation, however how does this fall into the no contact issue.

As far as I am concerned, even though there is so much that I need to get off my chest to her, I really don't have anything that I want to say to her at the same time. I don't and will not give her the satisfaction of knowing what is going on in my life. If she wants to know, then she will have to hear it from someone else.

I know that it will only put me a week back, but as hard as it is, I know that I am mentally stronger than she is because in the span of the 1 week since I left (as the dumpee), I have already changed the tune from I want you back to whatever. I love you, but you were not mature enough to talk to me about the relationship during a tough time. You just gave up and I have little respect for that.

Sorry for this being so long and more of a blog than a question, however I needed to vent that last bit out.

What is everyone's opinion on NC with your ex's family? I sent my ex's mother a simple Happy Mothers Day e-mail and I got this...

"Hi (north) thank you for thinking about me. You put a tear in my eye. There is not a day that goes by without mentioning your name in this house. I still talk to (my ex) about you and we get emotional. Your pictures are still all over this house. (ex's dad) and I miss you a lot. Bye for now I will talk to you again if thats alright with you."

Like what should I take from that? I don't know if anyone read my essay style blog story but my resolve that I am better than her crumbled a bit when I read this. She also texted me tonight asking me to come online with a please and :(. I didn't respond but it was pretty hard and both of these ruined my night. Why would they still have my pictures up?

Ignore everything that has to do with your ex... including her family... I loved my ex's family a lot, they were great to me and we got along very very well, and it sucks that I don't get to see them anymore... but your ex wanted you out for some reason, so that means you've got to disappear.

Forget about why they may have pictures of you still up, it doesn't matter anymore friend. Its over. If they want to hang on to your pictures, let them. It's the same as any gift you gave your ex, every time they look at it, they're going to think of you. My ex told me soon after the break-up, that her dad cried because he thought we were so good together. Her loss, the same with your ex, her loss.

So to answer your question, technically you did break NC... because her mom will tell her you emailed and any news to her about you is bad, she shouldn't know what's going on in your life anymore, she wanted you out of hers, so get gone. In a few months you'll feel loads better about everything, in fact, you probably won't even care.

My first night alone in 5 years and I've made it 6.5 hours. Damn, I hope this gets easier.

To moving...

That's a tough one buddy. Its only been a week for you, its been 3 for me and while I am feeling much better and feel like I have really got a lot stronger, seeing my ex would really take me back to the beginning at this point. I saw her at the gym a couple days ago and while I was able to give a pleasant hello and a smile like I didn't care anymore, if I had been left in that situation for anymore time and forced to be happy and social with others I don't think I could. Everyone at the party is going to be keeping their eyes on you guys for the slightest sign of trouble so be careful. I suppose you know yourself better than anyone else, and if you are confident in your abilities to be pleasant and up beat than by all means I would go for it. Just take care of yourself, you know your limits. And if you do talk to her yea... definitely do not get into anything about you guys there, not the place and nobody will appreciate that.

Good luck!

movinrightalong: It will be hard for you mate.. but chin up. I suggest you play it cool.. don't turn around and walk away every time she's in the same room as you.. If your eyes meet then just smile and nod your head, or if you're close.. a simple hello wouldn't hurt.. If you start to go through small-talk like the how are you's e.t.c don't make it last over a minute. Just be like "I was in the middle of a conversation with a friend and I just came to get a refill for my drink..maybe ill bump into you later.." and smile and walk off... It's all in your head from then on.. Show her you're stronger than she may give you credit for. She may flirt with guys to get your attention - e.t.c. Don't let it get to you, and you don't have to stoop to her level either.. Just be yourself and enjoy the party like she was never there to begin with..

NorthernNiceGuy: I was quite close to my ex's mother as well.. We even talked a lot in the after math of the breakup with her daughter.. but then I told her we should stop talking about it altogether.. Her mother is divorced and a work-a-holic.. so I spent most of my time convincing her to go out there and give love a chance again since she's working too hard.. I helped her get out of her shell so to speak and I found out recently that she's dating again and I'm happy I made some sort of difference in her life.. But the problem is I found myself asking her how her daughter was and stuff.. (Not if she misses me) Just if she's doing all right at uni and everything.. which may have set me back.. She still messages me frequently but I decided that I wouldn't reply to her mother either and I decided it was best for me to block her family out as well.. I also blocked out any friends of hers I met through her (Who also still talk to me at times). It's best for you to let it be.

I'm in the middle of my fourth week of NC now. The last few days had been a little easier on me, the thoughts of her were fewer and shorter during that time - it was kind of nice.

This morning I woke up and was thinking about her. I knew it was bad from the start. Its been about an hour I've been up, but for some reason she is really on my mind today. I'm having the rookie thoughts of "What is she doing?", "Why did she do this?" and "Why can I just email her?". I know this will pass, but it's a rough morning and I wanted to get it down. For some reason I'm really worried that she has found someone and isn't even thinking about me -- I know, stupid right? I haven't had those thoughts in a long while, but they're back today.

Ugh.

It's not stupid bigbird :] I'm nearing the 40 day NC mark and I still get those thoughts.. I start thinking someone else might be touching her now, or sleeping with her.. It's a lot worse knowing that she's left you and she's with someone than if she's left you and she's alone.. But then I remind myself that I've been around since she broke up with me so I can only expect her to be doing it as well.. Days like these will come and go though - worry not :)
I think even the NC veterans get low days.. But trust me , whenever I felt weak and felt the urge to break NC - the next day I would give myself a pat on the back and felt good about not calling her, as I would have regretted it FOR SURE.
Whenever I feel down I just hang out with friends. ;]

Its been about 40-50 days of NC for me. 2 months since BU. I still get those days. So don't feel bad. It will pass, just keep putting one foot in front of the other. I have to do that everyday.

movinrightalong:Go to have a good time or stay home. NC, doesn't mean rude or bad attitude. You treat her like anyone else, and keep your best foot forward. Keep any conversation light, and don't be drawn into anything having to do with the relationship. The its all good attitude will get your through this if you keep your cool.