I've kind of been feeling the need to contact my ex. Hear me out first, lol. Its just that, I don't want her anymore, we couldn't work if we got back together and I don't even think I want to. But I liked her as a person, we were friends for the longest time before we started dating and I'm just plum curious as to how she's doing. Would an email asking how things are going be so bad? I honestly even think I could hear her tell me about new guy too... I just don't think about her as the same person anymore and I don't think it would be so bad.

Then again, this may be a retarded moment in westy's life and he needs to be smacked. Been 4 months of NC cept for the meeting at spring break which didn't effect me a lot at all... I don't know, I just liked talking to her... but who knows, I'm kind of a moody guy, maybe ill read this tomorrow and be like "what the crap was i thinking".

Hurt me people, or encourage me, up to you.

Haven't been on the site so much lately, because I've been doing so well not thinking about her... recently two very close friends of mine broke up with their girlfriends, and I loved the fact that I had really good advice to give them thanks to AMHD, mostly Tal. Lol. They didn't care for the advice, but I think they'll catch on.

Anyway, for those in the trenches... keep up NC and keep busy.

Broken hearts hurt, but they make us strong.

I have to agree about breaking nc and re opening wounds, best not to even go there in my opinion.

And westy, well its up to you my man, you say you graduate in one week, fair play, will you see your ex after u graduate or are you from different parts of the country?

If you genuinely think your better, and could hear her talk about another guy etc, then maybe you could meet up, especially if you were friends before.

I'd still be a little wary, as you have done so well to heal and become a better person, might not be worth a set back at this stage.

But your call buddy

Lol, that's actually sneezy graduating in a week... I have a couple more years to go... we go to different schools across the country, but she lives where I am. And where I go to school. So she'd be here over the summer, but I'm not going to try to set up anything... just curious. I can't help but care about her... I mean, its like I still love her, but not in that way... I really just want to know if she's really happy.

Westy, I know how you feel... but trust me when I say this.. if she's not happy, she'll let you know.

It sounds like you're having a downtime, and I have a rule as to now to do anything when you're emotionally down... as you might regret it in the end.

Get out there and do something for a little bit... give it a week or so, and once you feel better, if you still feel like saying w'sup to your ex, then go all out.

I got to say though... it may not work out as well as you'd want it to.

My ex is right on time.. every 4 days I get an msn message.. been 3 weeks.
Unbelievably precise :/

HAH. I know what you mean.

My ex systematically called me twice a day for the past 2 weeks.. . two calls. No message. No text. Nothing. Just one call around 7pm. Another call around 11pm.

Lucky I don't get the calls and IMs like the two of you guys get. Basically what I get is her telling MY friends that she has something she would like to talk to me about but doesn't know how to approach it, that she wishes things could be different than they are right now. Oh and told another girl that "I have been looking a lot better lately." She asks my friends and cousins questions about how my life is going, what I'm up to and such things at that and stalks my myspace... Funny how tables turn

Oh maaan. :T

I am very glad that I don't have to put up with that crap. (my ex and I reached a mutual understanding--too bad the first time we were finally able to was over nc!! Lolol.)

Anyway... Westy, (and mind you this is just my personal opinion) I wouldn't contact her. I wouldn't risk it. You've come too far. If you guys are parting ways, however, and most likely won't be seeing each other ever again (and ergo, have that distance), then I think it'd be okay. Only that's not the case.

Like Sneezy said, things could take an unexpected turn and not for the better.

GLuck and tell us what you decide to do!

Yeah, I think you're right Sneeze... regardless, I was going to wait to see if my feelings towards this idea would change, but its been a week, and I still just want to. Like a "what the hell" sort of thing. I have zero expectations. I'm still going to wait and see, because I think I probably will feel differently soon.

And about the ex contact... my ex was nice enough to respect the NC. A good thing, but at the same time... not so much, made me feel like she doesn't care at all... and that's all I wanted from her when I was in the thick of it, a little bit of an effort... whatever.

Romefalls:

Since my ex and I broke up, I started eating better and going to the gym regularly... I dropped about 20 lbs since December. Instead of getting "you look good..." I'm getting "are you ok? are you depressed?"

... apparently, people think I'm depressed and now not eating.

... what's this bs?

Ha ha! Yea, I don't understand that one. It's funny because now that it's nice and warm around here I have been wearing polos to work instead of long sleeves and I catch her looking at me all the time. I'm half tempted to walk in and when she is looking make a point to pull my shirt and expose the Abs... I love the fact she keeps staring.. is that wrong?

Not at all...

Maybe you can wear one of these:

http://us.st11.yimg.com/us.st.yimg.c..._1998_62661551

Yes, it's a girl's shirt... but it gets the message across.

I like it! It must suck when she looks at her new guy and sees a huge 38" tire of a stomach he has... But hey! Maybe that just the size of his... heart?

Mm I thought I posted already.. but my ex messaged me earlier again.. right on time,every 4 days... its kind of funny

Well I screwed up again. The nice guy in me just won't go away. She came down to my office before I arrived today with her little boy as it is bring your kid to work day and asked if I was here. A co-worker told her I wasn't but asked her if she would like me to go see her when I got here and she said that would be fine.

So like an idiot... No, not like one-the actual idiot that I am, I not only go up to see her and her son but because I happened to have some toys in my office I bring those as gifts for the kid. FAILURE!! When I left she said she'd see me at lunch and of course she never came to lunch. Total failure on my part and for the love of God please learn from me, because even I see what I did wrong, she came to me after NC, I then went back to her and on top of it, I brought gifts for her kid thinking in the moment she would appreciate that when in fact as I write this now, I realize it came off as total desperation because it was in fact total desperation. It came off as me trying to buy her affection through her son which I have to admit was exactly what I was attempting.

Once again I will point out I'm doing everything backwards and it's getting the exact problem I've had for the last while now. I've lost my edge and I let her lead. As God is my witness I can verbalize it here but in the heat of the moment I crash and turn into the nice guy which is odd because for most of the time I was in control until the last few months.

Never, ever regret being nice to a kid. You have lost nothing this time at all, but being nice, and polite. Just continue no contact. This is getting intriguing.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Never, ever regret being nice to a kid. You have lost nothing this time at all, but being nice, and polite. Just continue no contact. This is getting intriguing.

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Forgive my stupidity but what do you mean by this is getting intriguing? Like intriguing in something else is going on or this is part of a game or something else I can't see with my emotional blinders on?

Also to add to the intrigue during her drunk phone call last week she asked me why I don't call her anymore, at some point she got very sad and told me that if I called her we could go out and do something but that I "have to include my little one." I asked her back, "When have I not included you little man? I understand he's part of the package and he's the priority and I've never held that against you" Her response was a very soft spoken "I know, I know." I didn't give it much consideration as part of the overall conversation but today when she brought him by I guess I thought maybe I was being tested and I was trying to include him and I think I went so far overboard that it backfired.

Hii everyone! I have to say I love this thread. I think it gives hope and reassurance to a lot of people. So.. here is my update.. my boyfriend broke up with me on Sunday. We've been on and off this whole year. We were together for about a month, then split.. then decided to stay friends.. became good friends.. got back together 7 months later.. split again after a month or so.. he told me he wanted to stay friends.. I decided to have a nc policy but something came up the very next day. I had to send a message of congrads. He replied fairly quickly congratulating me as well. After that nc. I'm assuming that I've given him the OK to be friends.. and if he really sees me as a good friend to say the least.. he'll contact me. :)

Must be having a good day because I didn't even wake up knowing what day of NC it was and I didn't even have to remind myself not to call him. There were even a couple of hours in there today at work where I wasn't thinking of him. So now that I've counted backwards, I can say its been Day 5 of reinstated NC (after a 13 day strectch broken, but hey, I still feel pretty good about it.. I mean we were together for 4 years, it's a hard habit to break). Almost 5 weeks since "the breakup". I just keep reminding myself that I made it 13 days at first so this stretch has got to go at least double if not longer than the last (baby steps). I won't conquer this in one day/one month, but I will conquer this. I will not die if I don't talk to him for a couple of months.. life goes on. Good, I'm happy today...

My friends keep reminding me that a clean break is the way to go. If he (my ex) can't understand that then he'll just have to learn to live with it. He made his bed, its time for him to lie in it. If he can walk away from me, than I certainly must be able to walk away from him. All right, I gave myself enough of a pep talk for now. Go me!

I'm on day 2, and all I can think of is this sucks.. lol

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I thought maybe I was being tested and I was trying to include him and I think I went so far overboard that it backfired.

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That's what I'm starting to see, a test! As you can recall, I am for being healthy enough to make decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just emotions. Some facts are just coming to light, and I suspect more will follow. I know, false hope is a no-no. So big guy, how do you honestly feel, in light of events that have occurred? I think you have handled things as a gentleman, not stupid, nor overboard (nice guy, yes).

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ststoleson

im on day 2, and all i can think of is this sucks.. lol

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If we took a vote, everyone would agree... this sucks! Just hang in there though. Read the links in my signature.

Count me in on that vote Tal... Because we have ALL been where he has been and if you read Sneezy, Westy or my posts from when we first got on here, trust me you would see how alike every situation is. I'm almost positive we all had the topic of "she's not like everyone else, she is perfect" Looking back, and I'm sure they will agree... Our Ex's are FAR from perfect and we are all getting along just fine. We just needed time to heal, which I learned from this site.

Which also keeps me coming to this site, because I have been through it and any advice I can give that helps someone makes it worth while. Keep your head up champ, you will get through this.

I think Im a lot happier now than I was with her.. I mean besides the times we were together where it was perfect most of the time(.. wasn't always or else we wouldve still been together).. but yeah I didn't really go out much because I felt like there was no point.. and during weekdays I was pretty moody and I ignored my friends a lot.

I feel really weak at times though, especially when I'm drunk.. im having the time of my life and then I go home alone and I'm like "..wwhyyyyyyyyyyyy".. hah.
Oh well.
To new beginnings.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Thats what I'm starting to see, a test! As you can recall, I am for being healthy enough to make decisions for yourself, based on facts and not just emotions. Some facts are just coming to light, and I suspect more will follow. I know, false hope is a no-no. So big guy, how do you honestly feel, in light of events that have occurred? I think you have handled things as a gentleman, not stupid, nor overboard (nice guy, yes).

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Actually I still think as I wrote yesterday. I still think it came off as desperate and me trying to buy my way in as opposed to just being me. Furthermore, I think I should never have gone up there when I found out she came down here to see me. If she wanted to see me bad enough, I should have let her Even last night, at home I was thinking to myself, that I've sort of lost my way for the last couple months in my overall life and quit following my advice. In fact I spent some time yesterday reading several older posts and my responses and I was just stunned that the same guy who wrote that is the same guy who is now here wondering what the hell happened? I have to say though, reading some of my own stuff really was very theraputic, because I was sitting there going "that's me, I'm that guy not this one who is confused." In the end, I'm not really confused, I'm just holding on to hope and not following the rules. Ironically enough, I went to get something to eat last night and the bartender started flirting with me and I started ragging on her and sure enough she bought me a drink and told me when she works again and that I needed to come back. I was thinking "I still got "it", it's in there it just needs to come out" But writing this all out here has been great for me because, for some reason I can't seem to see what's going on when it's happening, but as I write it down it becomes crystal clear.

But to answer your question how do I feel, I feel like the interest level on her end is way to low for this to recover, I feel like it's way to high on my end for me to think straight or logically as opposed to emotionally, and I continue to give more then I get. Furthermore, it's obvious she has put me on the backburner and if that's where I've been regulated I have to face the fact I deserve better then that position and I need to move on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by chuff

In fact I spent some time yesterday reading several older posts and my responses and I was just stunned that the same guy who wrote that is the same guy who is now here wondering what the hell happened? I have to say though, reading some of my own stuff really was very theraputic, because I was sitting there going "that's me, I'm that guy not this one who is confused." In the end, I'm not really confused, I'm just holding on to hope and not following the rules.

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Hey Chuff,

Back about a year ago you helped me a bunch with what I was going through (it was a different name at the time). I just wanted to say that I'm glad you read some of your own advice, because it really helped me out at the time. I guess it also lets you see into why some people appear to "ignore good advice", when in reality its so much easier said from outside then done from the inside.

I hope everything works out for you man, I'm pulling for you...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Hey Chuff,

Back about a year ago you helped me a bunch with what I was going through (it was a different name at the time). I just wanted to say that I'm glad you read some of your own advice, because it really helped me out at the time. I guess it also lets you see into why some people appear to "ignore good advice", when in reality its so much easier said from outside then done from the inside.

I hope everything works out for you man, I'm pullin for you....

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Thank you, I seriously can not tell you how much that means.

I'm starting to realize what I need to do with my life, and I'm starting to figure out even thought it hurts like hell that if I did learn anything from her it was this, "The only people you need in your life are the ones that need you." Im still hoping that shell come around, but if she doesn't, I guess that's what I'm going to have to live by

Day 6 of reinstated NC. Ex called me last night. Did not leave a message. What? Did he really think I'd crack after only 6 days?? Please, he has no idea who he's dealing with now. Its time he realizes what "break-up" means. It's a permanent loss. It doesn't mean I sit around waiting for him to call, it doesn't mean I'm available whenever he needs me, it means I'm gone from his life for good.

He wants to give up 4 years together because he wants to be free and single? Then, fine. He'll have to deal with it. Ha!

losingit77, that's right preach on. How are you holding up? I'm only on day 2 of NC and the days arnt getting any easyer

3 days here.. Im starting to hate her :-\

Classicrocker - Just keep busy. It'll get easier. I have the next 3 weekends booked with stuff to do with family and friends so I'm just looking ahead to that and know that that'll continue to keep my mind of everything.

I know its hard, but you just got to keep on living. Keep your eye on the prize! And you, healthy and happy and free, is that prize!

ststoleson, the first couple weeks are the toughest. The best thing to do is to put her in the past and focus on yourself. It gets better but you need to invest the time and effort. Acceptance will set you free and keeping yourself active will help clear your mind of her.

I want to add a revelation that I came to today to this post...

It seems that many people wait for a day when they will be "normal" again, or a day when they will be happy all day long. This is what people strive to feel they are getting 'better' again...

The problem I see is that a lot of people just want to be sad for less time as each day passes... However, this isn't the way it works. I'm starting to notice that the healing process is more variable.

As we all ride this emotional rollercoaster, we can begin to tell we are getting better when the swings of depression throughout the day are lessened. Not so much that we are upset for less each day, more like the times we are upset are not as extreme and do not last as long...

Am I anywhere close to right?

Bigbird.. I feel the same way. The swings just seem to get less intense and less intense. I still think of him and have this underlying feeling of loss all day... but the lows aren't as "low" as it was in the beginning. Anytime, I start to feel down, I just ask myself, "ok, can I handle feeling this way for a little bit?" And the answer, of course is yes. And I remind myself that I lived a pretty happy and content 26 years before meeting him so I must definitely be able to live another 26 years (or god-willing longer) after him.

At least we broke up during springtime! The beautiful weather is definitely helping lift my mood.

Indeed it is, I sat outside today, smoking a cigg (which I picked up right away again lol) and I figured out 2 things for certain. YOU cannot make THEM love you! And The ONLY people you need in your life are the ones that NEED you in theirs! I feel really good and I'm hoping that it will continue, I deleted her myspace, Facebook, aim, phone number EVERYTHING.. I figured if she wants to come back, she will no matter what, and if she doesn't, then I guess I learned my lesson and will stay away from her. I don't mean to t00t my own horn, but I'm pretty proud, so far so good..

Good for you ststoleson. In my opinion, I think we might be starting to become the healthiest and happiest "broken hearts club there is." I couldn't sleep last night and I was thinking the same thing. I wasn't sad or anything but it was like an epiphany. I can't make him feel the same way I do. If he doesn't feel the same way I do about him, I should be thanking him for breaking up with me and setting me free to one day find that person that wants me in their life as much as I want them in mine! I mean, we were together for 4 years. If you're not sure after 4 years whether you want to be with this person forever, then there's a problem.

There's nothing I can do to make him feel the same way as I do. The only thing I can do is just let it go and say "big friggin deal". NC is the way to go. You can't manipulate, play games, guilt trip, people into wanting you. It'll only backfire in the end. Just be yourself and one day someone will love you like you deserve... just the way you are.

If someone truly loves you, there's nothing that can keep them away from you. If someone doesn't truly love you, there's nothing that can make them stay. (I don't know exactly, the saying goes something like that).

You guys are making some great points! I'm trying to get to where you guys are and I think I am... today I felt like I just wanted to cry and let it all out but... the tears just never came so I think I'm starting to pik up those broken pieces of my heart, next step the glue and someone to help me put it all back together. And yes we can't make them love us...

21 days NC 6 days Smoke Free!
Still think about her all day and night!
We were supposed to go to Vegas next weekend together but after she left I gave her ticket to my best friend instead. I think that's making it a little harder. After Vegas I hope it starts to fade away. This is probably one of the most challenging things I've ever done in my 36 years. Maybe because I'm older or the love was stronger. My head is still a mess.
One day at a time!
Don't answer the phone!
Don't Drink and Dial!

Good luck to all!

Classicrocker - Don't forget. You don't need someonelse to put the pieces of your heart back together. You just need to love yourself and do it yourself. Until your heart is hole again, you won't be able to give it to someonelse.

Trust me! I've been there. Last time we broke up, I thought I was ready to get out there and start looking for a new love after about 2 months. Met someone, really liked him, we were inseparable for about a week until it just ended. And guess who I was calling up for consolation after that went sour... my ex. Big mistake.

Don't try to fill the void with someonelse cause no one can do that. You just need to love yourself and believe, truly believe, that you deserve that in return. Don't rush anything. Just focus on getting through the next couple of months single and fancy free and you'll be fine.