Guys... we should all join the military and try to get ourselves based somewhere else... hopefully not Iraq :O
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Guys... we should all join the military and try to get ourselves based somewhere else... hopefully not Iraq :O
Hey guys,
Please be rest assured that there are GREAT girls out there that will stand up to your expectations!! It's not a bad thing to know what you want now, and to have high expectations. I think I need to do that too. Just remember that not everyone is perfect, and if you find a girl that's the opposite of your ex, just remember that she will have different problems and baggage.. not saying it's going to be better or worse, but just know that everyone has their issues.. just a matter of if you guys are willing to put up with 'em or not...
You know what's a good suggestion? Don't look for potential dates at a bar.. you will NOT find a decent girl at a bar or club.. they are most likely the kind of girl that "nice" guys should stay FAR AWAY from!. just little words of wisdom
Quote:
Originally Posted by plonak
Many people have told me the best girls are in college. Well, I am in college and I see majority of the girls are sleaze-bags... Not to be rude or offensive, but I think the best place to find great girls are shopping centers... haha
As for the potential dates at a bar... they are exactly like prostitutes/hookers. Yes, you may get to put "your key" in the "key hole" and feel great...
You can meet girls at church too BUT you should go to church for you and if you happen to meet a girl then great! Just going to church to meet girls is very obvious to the women and they stay far away from you..
My advice? Don't go searching, conduct your life normally and you will meet someone when you least expect it.. women sense when men are on the prowl.. it's a turn off.. just keep that in mind and I know the same goes for women being desperate too
Funny, I never thought about that until about an hour before I read your post. I was thinking about the times that we had major problems in our relationship, and it was always right around the time my ex started to finally get a little bit of her own life and hang out with her friends more. I hope that doesn't make me weary of a girl with a lot of friends in the future. I guess my mistake for getting involved with someone who really didn't have their own life :(Quote:
Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy
NNG, I know what you mean about your mind saying "no, were gonna be sad". It happens, but you do realize that it does get better. You can feel the down times fading away and the not thinking about it times becoming longer and longer. Its almost like a competition, see how good I can feel today. It gives you a little hope, and its just enough to get you through the day.
Still amazing how something so minute can make you feel so down for so long. When your on top of the world you feel like your totally healed and could be friends in a snap. Its times like these that make you realize you were wrong... I think these tests are necessary as they make me appreciate that I took advice against my wishes when I thought I was strong.
Okay, I understand that a lot of the girls at a bar might not be the long term relationship/good girlfriend material type of girl, but you can't generalize and say that every girl at the bar is a hooker. That's just a little too far :pQuote:
Originally Posted by hjpan
Whoops... I meant majorityQuote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
Quote:
Originally Posted by plonak
Becareful of some church girls..
They may seem all religious, but their legs are wide open =/
Happened to a friend of mine~
How do you intiate NC with your ex?
Do you just stop talking, and ignore her?
Do you let her know how you feel?
How did you begin?
As you know, I want my ex back. I have decided to go for broke, all or nothing. I am going to ask to get back together... If she says yes, than great! If she says no, then NC! The thing is, after I can let go, I want to continue a friendship with her. I will just need a little time to get over her, thus the NC.
So, how if everything goes wrong... then how should I intiate NC? We have talked a lot lately, so I don't want to just ignore her.
Do I just say something like, "I think its best if I don't see you for a while."
Thanks for the advice guys
DUDE!! Don't ask her back. You will feel like crap right after she says 'no. Really, is it worth to be hurt more? My girlfriend (now ex) dumped me 3 weeks ago; I have the urges to try and get back but I resist. After taking advise from others who are in the same sinking boat, I decided to stop.Quote:
Originally Posted by jrsg
It's hard but you need to cut ties. Yes, I have my ex's pics, number, email address etc. but I don't contact her. Recently, I have been talking to 2 girls in particular, names are Lynn & Katrina, who are awesome~ both are virgins and seriously outgoing =]
Today is my ex's birthday and she called me three times. I didn't answer once. I was thinking about texting her a happy birthday message but I decided against it.
I'm not going to do anything of that sort. I'm going to leave everything in the past and look towards the future.
Today was a real defining day of my strength and will. It just shows that I have a great support structure and determination to get through all this.
For those of you who feel weak, just take a step back, calm yourselves down and remember that it gets easier by the day.
JRSG don't ask her back. Don't put yourself through that. She left you for a reason and by reading your story, you don't want to do that.
Bigbird, our major problems revolved around three issues. 1) Her insecurity with other women, she thought I was cheating on her emotionally with this other woman, but I did no such thing. I use to ask this other woman advice on how to improve my relationship with my ex. This other woman was like a sister to me but my ex thought I liked her, by the way the woman was gorgeous maybe that's why.
2) Exam time. As you know trying to become a doctor isn't easy and it can be stressful so I use to get frustrated with the hardcore school work etc.
3) Kind of LDR/didnt express emotions too much. We use to live about 20 minutes away from each other. It isn't too far because we both went to the same uni in downtown which literally was 10mins walking distance. Also, I use to have a difficult time expressing my emotions. My ex knew I was happy whenever good things happened to her or to me etc, but I didn't like to express myself too much. Even now I have a hard time, people don't generally think that I've gone through a breakup because of how calm and collected I am. It's not that I keep things bottled inside, it's just something I've been taught not to do. Yea you can be happy and joyful but not too happy or too hyper etc which she wanted
I knew I was going to hear that, especially on an NC thread. The info is going to a little biased here, lol.Quote:
Originally Posted by hjpan
I thank you for your consideration, and concern.
BUT... I still want her back. We only went out for two weeks, and we broke up with me after her ex tried to commit suicide. Now, he is stable, and getting help. I am seeing much more lately, and for the past 2 days. I am fairly certain she will accept my offer to get back together now that all that drama is over. It was the root cause of the break up. Now that it is over, I think we can move on together.
That 2 weeks that we went out, I didn't get too attached. I can take it if she doesn't want to get back together. If she doesn't I just need a little time of NC, so how should I do that? How do I begin NC?
Again, thanks for the concern, but I at least want to try. It won't 'break my heart' or anyting like that. If I can confirm that its over, then I can move on. Right now, it feels like the relationship is in this 'limbo.'
JR,
Asking her back is a risky move. I'd advise against it as well.
However, to answer your question - you can initiate NC any way you want really. Its your move, and you can do it however you'd like. Let her know that you need the space to heal and be better by yourself before you can talk to her, or just ignore her. The choice is yours.
In my particular situation, I knew about the NC route before it happened. When she told me that she wanted some time, I told her that I didn't think we could stay friends, at least not for a while. She was upset, but understood...
EDIT: I wasn't aware that you only went out for 2 weeks. With such a short period, it should be easy for you to live with either decision. Though, if she broke up with you within 2 weeks, could you trust her in the long term?
Spion,
I'm glad to hear that you are being strong and doing well with your NC. I'm proud of that and you're an inspiration to people here going through tough times, including me. Thanks for the update.
Spion, that is great! It feels so much better when you have a great support system, doesn't it? Keep going buddy! You're doing great!
_________________________________________
Back to my situation,
I know everyone here will advise against it...
I really do appreciate all of you guys advising of what you think is best. As a teen, I am going to use that line, "let me make my own mistakes." - I promised I would never use that stupid stereotypical line, but I just did, Oh god.
Its something I think I have to do. If I don't, I will thinking, "What if..." for the next while, then I definitely won't be able to move on. I think this is the best and most quick way.
If she dumps me a second time, its okay. Hey! I am 16. I've got a whole life ahead of me, and I only dated her for 2 weeks, so I'm not in love or anything. I am fairly certain that I can move on quickly.
Thanks you guys, it really does mean a lot because we're all in this together. We're all going through unique but yet similar situations. Things always have a way of working out so all you can do is live your life the best as you can and control things which only you are able to control. Other than that, you have to keep your chin up during the hard times and keep walking on.
Don't get me wrong, I'm still going through the pain daily but when you look at the bigger picture, you can definitely see the light at the end of the tunnel.
This is a test of our character. If you've read my story, I have come a long way but the real success story isn't about getting your ex back, it's about getting your life back together. If you can be yourself and keep yourself in check, you will find other women because hey, if you've found one, you can find many.
How awesome *sarcasm*
My ex text me and I thought something was wrong. Turns out she wanted to talk to me... so she chats for over 1 hour while I just sat & didn't really give a flying effe. She did mention a "friend" of hers tried to make a move by scooting closer to her and putting his arms around her...
I was like "umm... yeah... sounds like a player.."
Hey guys. Sorry I haven't been on recently; its been a hectic and somewhat weird couple of weeks. This is another testiment to no contact: Been seeing this girl recently, I may have said about it in another post. Everythings going great, she's really into me and I think there could be potential in it (touch wood).
Anyway, I've been feeling great. Im on Facebook this morning (yes, Facebook again) writing on a mutual friend's wall and there's a message from the ex which seems to be indirectly slating the guy she's with. I decide to go on her profile and there's another message from some random woman saying "really nice to see you both and glad you had a nice weekend... say hi to [new boyfriend]". Its amazing how everything can be going fine, and then that happens. F**king constant tests! Can safely say things are pretty right now. For any of you snooping or thinking of breaking no contact... Don't.
Jammy I was just there and went through that I know what you mean.
When you haven't been tested, you feel like you are on top of the world and can handle anything. You feel like your ready for friendship right now... Then a test like this comes along and your trying to pick yourself back up off your knees...
Take comfort knowing it will get better, because it always does.
Yeah too true. Im happy for her in a way and I guess he's good for her and hope it works out, but then again I HATE her. Its an odd situation. I don't feel as bad about it as I think I should though, weirdly. For a while I was dreading finding out anything about her, then whenever I did it was about as bad as it could possibly have been, and I've almost become desensitized to it.
Its good to know that you're never going to make the same mistakes again. It says a lot about guys like us who are willing to find out what went wrong in the relationship and make moves to not let it happen again. Break ups are a harsh lesson in life that teach you a hell of a lot about yourself.
How's everyone else doing?
Its been rough for me. I spent a long time feeling good, then I found out something which was so stupid and meaningless, but still sent me to the bottom of the barrel. It was a tough fall, but I'm picking myself back up.
Its certainly a lesson for everyone to stay away from any indications of their life. Hearing anything, no matter how negligible, can really wear you down. The worst part is that you feel so good and you feel like your almost ready to be friends with them, then the smallest inkling has you tumbling backward. Anyone else feel this way?
Well I have broken NC. My ex and I spoke on Wednesday. I was surprised as I really believed she would not answer. She said I can call any time and even suggested meeting next week some time. I truly have mixed emotions here. As I am not sure where we stand. She seems to think that she did not truly dump me. So where this puts me I do not know. If she and I do meet then I will certainly lay out what I am looking for as far as she and I go.
The thing I find is that, when you feel you are ready to be friends with them, that just means you AREN'T ready for it. When you don't think of them that often or don't really care who they are seeing or sleeping with etc, that is when you are ready. And also, you shouldn't be pursuing a friendship with your ex "when you think you're ready" but it should come naturally.
Spion, that's actually pretty bloody insightful. Ironically the time when you're truly ready to be friends is when you don't really care about being friends. Any time before that and there's probably feelings involved. Good call man!
I think it happens to everyone... Well to me it does. I have gone through some days of feeling great and thinking I could handle anything, but with recent events I am certainly not. But one day these little things that make us run for the hills won't bother us, and I think that will be the day we realize, "Hey, I really am going to be okay"Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
Be careful on this one f104... I am getting the sense your hopes are going up. Especially after she said she thinks she didn't truly dump you... What the hell was the week of no contact, some sort of vacation?? And if you hadn't contacted her would she have? If you do meet be ready for the worst, I hate having to be brutally honest with you on this one but I think this is going to end with you at square one again.Quote:
Originally Posted by f104
Thanks for the words NNG...
I was thinking recently about how my relationship was. I don't know how other people's relationships were in terms of happiness and seeing yourselves together in the future but this applies to mine.
Without being conceited, I can say that I tolerated a lot from her and gave her a lot. There were a lot of times during the end of the relationship that I wondered what we were doing together and why we weren't ever happy. Funny thing is, it doesn't make it any easier now.
What I'm trying to get at is that sometimes I wish I could just say to her (in my head): "Good luck finding someone else who is going to put up with what you put me through." Because I know that I did a lot, and I don't think many people will have that kind of patience... But in my (demented) head, I think she is going to find someone immediately without any problem.
I guess this is the same thought process that kept me with her when we had large fights which should have probably ended the relationship, but I didn't... That "I can't stay mad at her" feeling.
6 days of fully NC
17 days since I saw him & 23 days since I spent time with him.
*Sigh* finding this unbelievably hard it's taking everything inside me to not just ask him if he wants to do something. I've spent every Friday with him for the past year :(
I was diagnosed with moderate depression today.
Hang in there Boris,
It is tough at first, but you do feel better. Despite feeling like sh*t lately, I can honestly say that the past few weeks have been really good to me considering. You will get there, just give it time.
Boris you are in the right place. You will find support and encouragement here.
NNG, Jammy and Spion what you all say makes perfect sense. I wish I could say that I was not getting my hopes up but that would be a lie. I initiated contact although she said she was planning on calling me. She did suggest meeting so we could "hangout" whatever she means by that.
Bigbird - I see things a lot like you too. Now, I'm like "why did I put up with so much". The last couple of months we were together I kept thinking the same thing... "why are we staying together? why am i letting this go on like this?" I gues you just keep thinking that it will somehow magically get better. But it just delayed the inevitable. Guess in the back of my mind, I always knew he'd end up my EX-boyfriend. Its like holding onto to a sinking ship. Some people have a hard time committing to a relationship, but we were the opposite. My ex and I had a hard time committing to a break-up. Its funny.Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
You're doing good bigbird. Keep it up. You're helping a lot of people out here.
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
Bigbird, my ex herself told me that. She said that one of the many qualities that I had was patience. Before I initiated NC with her, she told me how patient I was with her and was always the one with the cooler head when it came to fights. Yea I do have a temper but my patience with her was one of the things that she loves about me.
I'm not trying to say that you're situation isn't unique but it just goes to show that for people who we love so much we do put up a lot. We wear our heart on our sleeves and our ex's haven't yet realized what they are missing out on. Most of our exes have new bfs/gfs and are still in the honeymoon stage. Yea some will move on to others, some may stay with their current ones for the long term(marriage etc who knows?) while some may come back. But the main question is, are you willing to take them back, I know at the moment I won't because I'm honestly having a lot of fun being single
f104, I can't imagine she wants to hang out with you for the purposes of getting back together, but rather to alleviate the guilt she's feeling or because she's feeling and you're the first port of call. Unless she makes it clear to you that she wants to get back together, it's probably a waste of time. NNG's right about ending up at square one.
Bigbird, what you're saying is absolutely right... toward the end of our relationship there were countless occasions when I was going to break up with her (and on a couple of occasions actually threatened it)... mainlly as she had in fact become cold and obnoxious. Its still pretty painfuleven though we weren't happy for a long time before we broke up.
Boris, as the guys are saying this is the place to come if you want advice or you just want to vent. Its AMAZINGLY therapeutic and good to know that there's others in the same boat as you. I've learnt a hell of a lot on here, and they're lessons you'll never forget which is always a good thing
I know what you mean Spion about being single. Apart from the loneliness and general feeling of rejection and betrayal (fairly powerful emotions admittedly) it is nice to actually do what you want to do when you want to do it. I guess relationships make you a bit institutionalised, like you're scared to get out into the world at first but then you get used to it and start to love the freedom after a while, just like you did before you got into the relationship. Personally I would never take mine back now I can put it in perspective. One thing I'm curious about though... I know this probably isn't the most positive subject, but do most people's ex's have new bfs/gfs? I can't help but think I'm one of few in that situation.
jammyb, I had to push my ex to dump me because I felt something was weird. If I didn't confront her she wouldn't have dumped me. She dumped me over msn, I asked her to call me to dump me because she was too much of a coward. Well she moved on in 3 days with a guy I had warned her about from her work. He's 5 years older than her and she is 21. The way I see it is that instead of makings things amicable between us, she ruined all the good memories of three years in three days.
I don't know if this is a rebound or whatever but whatever it is, I certainly don't want any part of her and her life.
EDIT: wow the amount of typos is unbelievable.
Nothing conceited about that. I feel the same way. Last a few days ago before I really started ignoring her texts she said to me, "you are the only one I want to be with, you are perfect and I don't want to be with anyone else"Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
Make sense of that... I just replied "If you can say that and still don't want to be with me than you are nuts"
But you know, I personally think its true, good luck finding someone else who will treat you like I did and who put up with your crap.
And bigbird, sure they might be able to find someone else fairly quickly, but that doesn't mean it will last. People always appear perfect in the beginning, but as time goes on you get to know the real them.
And bigbird and losingit, we will find the right partners who are going to be blown away by how we treat them, and they will appreciate it, not take advantage of it.
Yeh tell me about it mate, its ridiculous to think that after all the time we put into the relationship they just chuck it all away like that. I think what it is is that they are too weak and cowardly to cope with being alone, so they just get with the first bloke that comes along. Though I say that, my ex's new boyfriend has got everything; he's well-off, 4/5 years older and generally seems like a good catch. That's what makes it even worse, I could handle it if he was a complete loser. In a sick way Im hoping he dumps her so she knows how it feels.
Yea, well that's normal feeling jammy... And chances are most of our ex's are going to feel this one day. Pretty rare that someone goes through their whole like without being dumped or hurt in love. Not our problem though and I am not saying I hope they do get dumped, but if they do, I hope they see the pain we went through, and maybe regret some of the things they did, and have a better understand of what we were going through and learn something from it.Quote:
Originally Posted by jammyb
I couldn't agree more with you NNG. At first everything appears to be perfect but then wear and tear occurs in a relationship. Plus we've got the potential to be great, it's just these little obstacles are in our way. Once we overcome them, who knows. Things always have a way of working out. All we can do is keep our chins upQuote:
Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy
Someone tell me I'm nuts...
So my ex's step sister calls me and is wondering if I want to go out to the bar with her and her friends tonight. While she was talking to me, her younger sister yelled in the background: "We miss you bigbird!". That made me think:
1) If she said that, my ex must not be around.
2) If she isn't around, where is she?
3) Is she out having fun? Who's she with? What's she doing?
...
N) etc... etc... etc...
Someone please tell me if that is a ridiculous thought process or what? It's what I thought of, but in reality I think I might be nuts... Just give me your honest opinion.
Oh, and for the record, her step sister is just being friendly, as best as I can tell, do you think it would be a bad idea if I were to go? It would be me and my friends with her and her friends...
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