J we're here for you J. Hugs...

Bless you J_9, and don't you worry about sounding a little aggravated lately. Anger is one of the stages of grief that we go through.
May a higher power give you strength.

J
I just found this thread and am sorry for your situation. I want to let you know that I and my church will be praying for you and your family.

Ruby is right about the automatic mom response and just doing what needs doing.

I would like to add something else encourage those around you to talk when you can. Encourage mom to quit being strong for "you kids" (another automatic mom thing) and to let the tears flow occasionally (even if she has to go into the bedroom for privacy and cry into the pillow). You do the same for yourself... Tears are what start the cleansing of sorrow from the soul. (That is from the Gospel of Chaplain John Chapter one verse one.)

Now I have a big favor to ask of you... Place your left hand on your right shoulder and leaving that hand in place put your right hand on your left shoulder. Now squeeze... that is a hug from me and my wife... We have a motto "Hugs Help"

Blessings,
John

It's embarrassing to watch a grown man cry but after reading your story I was jerked 20 years back in time when the retirement center my mother had lived for the previous 12 years called to say it was time for me to bring my mother home. Like your father, my mother was terminal and all I cfould do is watch day by day as she slipped away and gradually I became the parent and she became the child. I went through a world war, a few divorces, a 40 foot fall in Fort Myers in 1964 and two bouts with cancer but being a caregiver was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I'd do it all over again in a jack-flash instant. It changes you to watch a parent die. I don't know how and I can't nail it down but I've changed.
J-9, reading your story brought me to tears. Not from self pity or any thing to do with me but from the feeling that once I was where you're at now and I know how very badly you must feel.
Be strong, be brave, because I've got a hunch you're the strong one in your family and perhaps the glue that holds it together.
There! After 20 years this is the first time I've let myself think about it and share my feelings with others. My heart goes out to you, your mother and your family, you have my condolences and my well wishes. Tom

My darling J I'm so so so sorry I haven't been online for you this weekend I'm thinking of you sweety xxx

Tom, I cried while reading your story. Not so much for myself, but I cried reading the sincerity of your words. Thank you for sharing your pain so that I don't feel quite so "alone" right now.

Well, an update:

We got THE call from the hospital this morning. Dad's blood pressure was dropping as well has his heart rate and is respirations. We all rushed to the hospital, all 12 of us, and sat in the room telling stories of him and laughing till we cried.

The favorite of the family was when he was finishing our baserment years ago. He had expensive power tools in each hand. We he a light in the ceiling, you know the kind that just has a string hanging down with a little bell on it, well, he pulled on the string with his teeth to turn it off. Well, lo and behold, the string got stuck between the gap in his front teeth. He yelled and yelled for someone to come help him so he didn't have to drop his tools. Well, I guess you had to be there. LOL

Anyway, his BP and heart rate increased. Mom said he just wanted attention.

So, goody goody gumdrops, (LOL AH), we have one more day with him. Will be going back this evening to see how he is doing.

Thank you all for your concern, it is appreciated more than you will ever know.

It's a shame we can't do more than write words but you know I'm with you xxx

Quote:

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Originally Posted by speedball1

It's embarrassing to watch a grown man cry but after reading your story I was jerked 20 years back in time when the retirement center my mother had lived for the previous 12 years called to say it was time for me to bring my mother home. Like your father, my mother was terminal and all I cfould do is watch day by day as she slipped away and gradually i became the parent and she became the child. I went through a world war, a few divorces, a 40 foot fall in Fort Myers in 1964 and two bouts with cancer but being a caregiver was the hardest thing I have ever done, and I'd do it all over again in a jack-flash instant. It changes you to watch a parent die. I don't know how and I can't nail it down but I've changed.
J-9, reading your story brought me to tears. Not from self pity or any thing to do with me but from the feeling that once I was where you're at now and I know how very badly you must feel.
Be strong, be brave, because I've got a hunch you're the strong one in your family and perhaps the glue that holds it together.
There! After 20 years this is the first time I've let myself think about it and share my feelings with others. My heart goes out to you, your mother and your family, you have my condolences and my well wishes. Tom

---

Oh Tom, yours brought me to tears as well. And I know brought Janine comfort. I don't cry tears of sadness for either one of you, but great great great pride and such a touching tribute and gift to give so much, to make sure peace is had, when a loved one's last days are near.

Oh how your words did my heart good and I am sure Janines too. Having so much trouble trying to convey what I am feeling in my heart after reading what you so generosuly shared with Janine. Thank you so much for doing that.

Hiya,

I do feel for you. My parents have been married for 40 years this year, and last August my father had a stroke. He has been living in hospitals and care homes since and is due to move back home with us (I have bought a house with my parents so I can help out with him) next week. Dad is totally sound of mind, but his body is crippled, and my mum bless her just can't get it into her head that dad won't be getting better, she is still talking about when he is walking and looking after himself and going out and about with him, whereas the reality is a lifetime now of 6 a day carer visits and totally housebound. My dad has to have his leg amputated soon as he is diabetic and it is very infected, and dad is fine about it but mum is refusing to accept it will ever happen. The doctors have also said there is a good chance he won't come out of the operation. I think when couples have been together so long they can't let go, its down to us kids to get them through it. Good luck to you. I wish I could offer you more advice. Certainly mention it to your mum, test the water, she may just be hoping you give your permission in some way, if that makes sense.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Squiffy

Hiya,

I do feel for you. My parents have been married for 40 years this year, and last August my father had a stroke. He has been living in hospitals and care homes since and is due to move back home with us (I have bought a house with my parents so I can help out with him) next week. Dad is totally sound of mind, but his body is crippled, and my mum bless her just can't get it into her head that dad wont be getting better, she is still talking about when he is walking and looking after himself and going out and about with him, whereas the reality is a lifetime now of 6 a day carer visits and totally housebound. My dad has to have his leg amputated soon as he is diabetic and it is very infected, and dad is fine about it but mum is refusing to accept it will ever happen. The drs have also said there is a good chance he wont come out of the operation. I think when couples have been together so long they can't let go, its down to us kids to get them through it. Good luck to you. I wish I could offer you more advice. Certainly mention it to your mum, test the water, she may just be hoping you give your permission in some way, if that makes sense.

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Squiffy - I promise you, it will be okay. The right words, and strength will come to you. Mom will be okay too. She will get to the place that she needs to when she is able to and ready. Just be a good ear for her and let her feel in control as much as you can. Been in something oh so similar and familiar. I do promise you, although long, tiring and difficult, it all will workout and be okay. It's amazing how much family love can see you through. Will keep you and your family in my thoughts.

Janine, that is good that you are all together with him as a family.

Too many families do not like facing up to what is happening and many people end up passing away being lonely and sad.

At least your all there as a family and you are all having precious time and sharing memories together.

I think you are all beautiful and I wish I could say more and do more at this time for you. I am there, and our whole family is there with you in spirit.

Joe and family.
Xxxooo

Thank you Squiffy for sharing your story. It is hard to watch a loved one go from completely independent to completely dependent.

We have made funeral arraingments. The priest at Mom's church was wonderful and got her in touch with a local funeral director. You see mom and dad live on a fixed income and have little money for a funeral. The funeral director then told mom not to worry about costs, as he would absorb the costs of the funeral himself, and to just enjoy the last few moments she has with him.

I felt that was an enormous jesture of kind humanity in her time of need. Apparently this funeral director is helpful to the elderly in this community. What a wonderful man with such a kind heart to be able to do this for our family.

Dearest Janine, my deepest sympathies and special prayers for you and your family. Wish we could all be there to stand with you. You being there with your Mom and Dad was important for them and for you. What a blessing in the funeral director. Not often you find one so compassionate.

Hugs and wish I couild do more but you are in my thoughts and prayers every day.

Time goes on
We all get old
It won't take long
Or so I'm told
Happy memories
Cloud my eyes
Childhood fantasy's
Of days gone by
Lifes bumps and brusies
We've all shared
Young at heart
We never cared
We grew up and moved away
Back again we are this day
We have gathered
Tear in eye
With heavy hearts
We do cry
In strength of memory
And fear of soul
A family of blood
And one of friends
Bound in circle
Love never ends
We are here
To help you through
Because we all care
And love you too
Cry on our shoulders
Ease the pain
We are family
All the same.

Myth
Is that an original piece?
If it is I would like permission to add it to my file of poetry that I use during funerals.

It's very original you won't find it on paper anywhere. This is the first and only copy thus far. If you think it will help someone Chaplain John then by all means yes you can use it. I wrote it for J because I wanted to be able to express my feelings and this is the best way I know how. I hope that it can help anyone the hears it.

Janine you know where I stand on this issue. I am with you heart and soul and in spirit. Although you dad has bouts of dementia he has not been declared incompetent. He can still make decisions for himself. He stated he was done and fought the good fight. He is in essence telling everyone he doesn't want to fight any more but rest.
When we say a person is a dnr (do not recussitate) the family immediately panics and thinks that means do not treat or care. There is also comfort care. Allot of time these aren't explained to the family the way they should be. I had a doctor walk into a patients room while he was on the vent. He stood in the door way and yelled do you want to be a code or a no code? Needless to say I almost hit him in the back of the head with a chart. That was both callous and cruel.
The nurse and the social worker are putting undo pressure on you and your mother to make a decision your father already made. He's been quite clear in his wishes. He can talk with the doctor and the doctor can write the orders. He won't be taken off the vent if he's made a comfort care or no code.
Your mom has been with him for so long. She's having trouble facing life without him. She's also afraid she'll make the wrong decision. A little moral support from you will go allong way. You can't force her to make a decision she isn't ready to make. Butif she sees your dad has already made his decision and if everything is explained to her gently and compassionately, I'm sure she'll do the right thing.
The nurse and social worker need to get a grip. Why are they pushing this when the doctor is the one who has to write the orders and not them. What if your mom decides and they can't get the doc intime to write everyhting. Nurses can't write or take verbal orders for dnr or comfort care status. The doc needs to write a progresss note and sign it. And write the order.
As soon as you arrive there and catch your breath, you and your mom talk allone. Then you make arrangements to talk with the doctor. Leave out the social worker and the nurse. In fact ask for the nurse to be reassigned that she is putting too much pressure on the family. Be asserttive. Or call me.

Wow myth,

You wrote that yourself just now? Amazing gift. Beautiful words. Brought me to tears and helped me remember that things isn't that bad after all.

Thank you for sharing!

Just an update. Dad passed today at 2:30 pm. He went peacefully after a bath, LOL, in his sleep.

Now comes the healing process.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and friendship. I could not ask for any better friends than I have here. You all are wonderful.

Thank you Janine, for letting us all know. It sounds like he passed away very peacefully and happy, especially having family so close to him.

Thinking of you all at this time. Prayers and friendship will always be there for you and your family.

Joe

EDIT: Hugs from all of us too. Superbaby and superbaby family.

Love you hunny sending you lots and lots of hugs and millie ones too xxxxxx

You know the sloppy pitbull kisses will be waiting for you when you get back. I am glad that you all were able to get there in time and be with him. I know it meant the world to him. Love you J. xxxooo

Thank goodness no one had to make that decision you were worrying over.

Will be keeping you in my thoughts.

~hugs~
~hugs~
My deepest sympathies to you J_9. I too watched my parent (mom) pass by into God's hands.
I have been reading the posts here.
My thoughts, prayers & love are yours & your family, as this new phase of life begins..
God bless you all & bring you peace & grace. May His loving arms surround you and comfort you.
Moomin

http://i8.photobucket.com/albums/a24...dPrayers-1.gif

J we love you so much.

Thank you for sharing Dad with us. I just know he is resting and will now and forever be beside watching over our girl.

I just love you so much. Hugs to Mom and your entire family.

Love you now and always.

You are continually in our prayers, J. My heart goes out to you and your family in sympathy and love. May God grant you all that you need and more. Hugs from the Barney Family.

Enveloping you in hugs from AMHD, Janine. There are just no words to express how I feel. Always here for you sweetie (except when that old computer acts up like last night! GRRRRR). You are right, though... now the healing process begins.

Love, Didi

You are all so wonderful. I didn't cry until I read a PM from Laura, yeah, thanks Laura, tears from a couple thousand miles away and I cry too. LOL, Goes to show you how close two peas in a pod are.

As my beautiful friend AllHeart stated so eloquently, "there are no reddies in heaven." LOL Thanks for that memory AH

Shy, my special Barney Family, you know just how special you are in my heart. I Love You, You Love Me. LOL

Kae, the card is beautiful. We can always count on you for beautiful visualizations.

Moomin, my new friend. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers.

Joe and Superbaby family, you know you have a special place in my heart. I thank you too for being such a wonderful friend.

Now for you Didi. The computer, LOL, technology huh? Sometimes we love it and others, well... I understand how it goes. I can hardly get a cell phone signal here, so it is hard to call the ones I love. I have felt a connection to you from the start.

Oh, Ruby, love the wet sloppy kisses. They are great for a laugh when I just want to cry. LOL And just looking at you staring at me in that silly little party hat just warms my heart.

Em, you have become a wonderful part of the AMHD family too. Yes, it was nice that we did not have to make any decisions, that was going to be our next step after he slipped into the coma.

And Laura, you are just you and I love you.

If I missed anyone, please forgive me. I am here just trying to keep my mind occupied right now.

Hugs and coffee.

I just want to echo everyone else words here J. Your in my thoughts and it is an inspiration to 'see' how you have handled this situation with such dignity and strength. Your dad sure did raise a great girl!

Myth, thanks for the hugs and coffee, can I have mine with some Baileys in it please?

Skell, thank you for your kind words. Glad you see my strength, I knew it was in there somewhere. Sad that it sometimes takes something like this to bring it to the surface.

I will, however, remember how my father was treated by his caregivers during his last days and take that with me when I begin to pracitice nursing. I will remember the good and use it for my patients, I will remember the bad and vow to never treat anyone in such a way.

AH, CBW, and Ruby, thank you all for your calls today. You really have no idea how special you are to me.

Any way you want it hun...

Janine
May God wrap you and yours up in his loving arms; pick you up and carry you through this dark time into the light and joy that surely is ahead.
Prayers and Blessings,
John

Quote:

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Originally Posted by J_9

Just an update. Dad passed today at 2:30 pm. He went peacefully after a bath, LOL, in his sleep.

Now comes the healing process.

Thank you all for your thoughts, prayers and friendship. I could not ask for any better friends than I have here. You all are wonderful.

---

I am so sorry for your loss. I disappeared myself for a while myself for the same reasons. I have suffered 4 losses in less then 6 weeks time. 2 aunts (my dad's sister here in California and my mom's little sister in Mexico) a beloved elderly neighbor and an old acquaintance.

Janine, words cannot express my sympathy. I've been there, I know the loss of a father. The pain, the sadness and even some feelings of hopelessness tend to linger. I will continue to pray for you and your family that the Lord will bring you peace and comfort as only he can. Lucky you that you had him as long as you did, blessed is more like it. If you're a believer, then you will see him again and he will not be sick, but the fun loving dad you remember.

All my love to you!

Thank you for your heartfelt sympathies. It was a blessing that he is gone. I am sure in my heart now he is playing golf on evergreen courses, and riding his horses that he loved so dearly. I will see him again, he will be whole and healthy.

MC, I am sorry for your losses. It must be horrendous suffering so many losses in such a short period. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers as well. Just as you said to me, know that the Lord will give you peace and comfort.

My love to you MC!!

Janine - How can one cry and laugh all at the same time? Try reading your post and looking at your ridiculous Sponge Bob Square Pants Avatar who just so happens to be one of my husband's heroes and secretly one of mine, just don't tell my hubby...

Thanks!

LOL, I have been doing a lot of laugh-crying lately. We are a very happy family, we play practical jokes on one another, etc etc, Every time someone crys about dad's death, another one of us cracks a joke.

Now, please don't anyone take this as crass but at the visitation Mom was carressing the urn, saying goodbye to Dad, then she looks up at me and says, and I kid you not "This would make a good doorstop!!!" I said "MOM!!!!" She said "Dad made me say it." You see, Dad's nickname was joker.

And Spongebob is a friend of mine too. LOL

Quote:

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Originally Posted by momincali

Janine - How can one cry and laugh all at the same time? Try reading your post and looking at your ridiculous Sponge Bob Square Pants Avatar

---

Thank you for pointing that out. PMSL!!

I see now how it is hard to take me seriously.

I think Rubypit is so right, you mom has been with your dad so long she won't accept any idea like the hospital is suggesting, I'm sure. You have to be there and check it out for yourself and then have a heart to heart. Sorry to hear all this J9 if you need anything let me know!

Loveless, I am sorry to tell you that my father passed almost two weeks ago. I was there and luckily we did not have to make a choice as his kidneys eventually failed him.

Thank you for your thoughts though, it was very kind of you to respond.