Ask Me Help Desk - Spanking children and/or teens -- yes or no? Why or why not?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Alty

I have to agree with Exy on this one The only thing hitting a child teaches, is that hitting is okay.

Having said that, I'm human, and I have spanked my children. I can count on one hand the number of times I've spanked both of them, but still, I have done it.

I was spanked as a child. That sort of punishment was the way to raise a child back then, the whole "spare the rod spoil the child" mentality of the 70's.

I use time outs, and take away privileges when my kids misbehave. I haven't spanked either one of them in at least 2 years, and I never want to again. But then, I'm human, so I can't promise.

I too was raised on spankins, and I don't feel hitting is okay now, and I never tried hitting my siblings or anything like that. I do think that the take away and time out punishments make more sense. Hitting a child is so degrading, hitting anyone is degrading. If I had a child I would never want them to feel that way.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cheekiegirl34

I never spanked my daughter whilst she was a child just shouted or took her privellages away .. However now she is a stroppy teenager wish I had of !!!!

Too late, hehe. It would be extremely awkward to spank a teenager! :)

Thank you all for taking an interest in my post ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I think it depends on the child - some children need a swat, some need a spanking, some need a talking to.

Also depends on the age.

I don't think there's a "one fix for all" answer to this.

I do like your take on this, and I also feel the same. My mother always said, "I had to raise each of you differently, because none of you learned the same as the other." I believe my momma :)

I will add - there's "punishing" or chastizing a child. There's also reacting in anger, striking out. As soon as a parent loses control the screaming, talking, hitting, "slap on the rear end" loses all effect.

There have been times when I have said, "Go to your room" because I was on the verge of losing it. Have I ever swatted a bottom in anger? No.

Are we including dogs? If so, no.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I will add - there's "punishing" or chastizing a child.

The parent wants to punish/discipline so the child thinks, "I DID a bad thing (and won't do it again)" instead of punish/discipline so the child thinks, "I AM a bad thing." The first is guilt which emphasizes what the child did wrong. It tends to be constructive with the child willing to mend the damage that was done. The second is shame, is not at all constructive, and opens up an emotional hole that the child will try to fill in some way.

For your reading pleasure, here are some thoughts about shame (Guilt and Shame) --

The following is a list of common shame-driven behaviors:

Attacking or striking out at other people. In an attempt to feel better about their shame, people will oftentimes strike out at others in the hopes that they will be lifted up by bringing others down. While this behavior may produce short-term relief from shame, in the long term shame is only strengthened -- in both parties -- and nothing is done to get at the root of the problem.

Seeking power and perfection. Others attempt to overcome their shame by preventing the possibility of future shame. One way in which they do this is by aiming for perfection -- a process that inevitably fails and causes more problems. Another manner in which people cope is by seeking power, which makes them feel more valuable.

Diverting blame. By blaming our faults or problems on others, we can avoid guilt and shame. However, like the previous responses, doing this fails to get at the core problems and as a result, fails to achieve its purpose.

Being overly nice or self-sacrificing. People sometimes compensate for feelings of shame or unworthiness by attempting to be exceptionally nice to others. By pleasing everyone else, we hope to prove our worth. However, this inevitably involves covering up our true feelings, which is, once again, self-defeating.

Withdrawal. By withdrawing from the real world, we can essentially numb ourselves to the feelings of guilt and shame so that we are no longer upset by these sorts of things. Again, nothing has been done to address the core issues of the problem.

While each of these actions may provide temporary relief, the long term effects are often negative, and the result is the passing on of guilt or shame to others.

I love it when you talk like a librarian! So sexy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I love it when you talk like a librarian! So sexy.

Actually, I had my counselor hat on that time. That was one of my first classes in grad school. Three hours of guilt and shame.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

The parent wants to punish/discipline so the child thinks, "I DID a bad thing (and won't do it again)" instead of punish/discipline so the child thinks, "I AM a bad thing." The first is guilt which emphasizes what the child did wrong. It tends to be constructive with the child willing to mend the damage that was done. The second is shame, is not at all constructive, and opens up an emotional hole that the child will try to fill in some way.

Hello Carol:

One of my earliest memories, is I'M BAD. I wonder if it had anything to do with how I lived my life?

Nahhhh.

excon

Quote:

Originally Posted by excon

Hello Carol:

One of my earliest memories, is I'M BAD. I wonder if it had anything to do with how I lived my life?

Nahhhh.

excon

Dear excon:

Something happened to you as a child that flipped your switch to "I AM bad." Any memories of what that could have been? (You don't have to share... ) We don't suddenly feel that kind of shame when we're adults. Something to think about -- why have you done any bad things? In my old age, I've been reviewing MY life and trying to figure out why I did what I did over the years, my shame issues. I've untangled SOME of it.

As for how you've lived your life -- I've experienced only the "good" excon and know you are greatly loved by many.

WG

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

Actually, I had my counselor hat on that time. That was one of my first classes in grad school. Three hours of guilt and shame.

I didn't look close enough to see the hat - still great advice, still sexy.

Switching to my librarian hat --

News Flash: The current edition of The Week magazine mentions that shaming a child by, for example, bullying and any kind of abuse creates stress, and shortens his telomeres, thereby messing up his DNA which will, in turn, affect his immune system, making him vulnerable to disease and even a shortened life span (source: Bullying, Child Abuse Hasten Aging in Kids | Stress & Telomere Length | LiveScience).

Quote:

Originally Posted by excon

Hello:

Hitting people NEVER works.

excon

Hello there,

And thank you for the feedback :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

I will add - there's "punishing" or chastizing a child. There's also reacting in anger, striking out. As soon as a parent loses control the screaming, talking, hitting, "slap on the rear end" loses all effect.

There have been times when I have said, "Go to your room" because I was on the verge of losing it. Have I ever swatted a bottom in anger? No.

Are we including dogs? If so, no.

We can add dogs in if you like. I wouldn't hit mine personally, they listen very well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by hellocat12

we can add dogs in if you like. I wouldnt hit mine personally, they listen very well.

Hello, again, hello:

**greenie**

excon

Is this question related to your concern about the way your boyfriend's family treats a child? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parent...on-658236.html

Quote:

Originally Posted by JudyKayTee

Is this question related to your concern about the way your boyfriend's family treats a child? https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/parent...on-658236.html

Yes, they are NON-spankers. Absolutely no hitting allowed.

It depends on the child and the situation, but yes I think there are some times where a spanking by parents or teachers is appropriate.

Some are seriously begging for a world class butt whoopin... and should get it when they do. But not just for the heck of it.

We've seen what a miserable failure making sure little johnny doesn't get his feelings hurt... and the classic... the real answer doesn't matter as long as you feel good about it... over the last 3 decades.

No wonder there are so many self important losers running around, that don't have a clue about life... or much else either...

... Rant over...

Quote:

Originally Posted by smoothy

Some are seriously begging for a world class butt whoopin...and should get it when they do. But not just for the heck of it.

Couldn't have said it better myself. I didn't spank much but there were times my kids were begging for it and that is the only way to describe it. I did it, they changed their behavior. However most of the time, I gave them choices and a few minutes alone to decide what they wanted to do. It worked like a charm but I think spanking can be useful. It isn't politically correct but I rarely am.