Ask Me Help Desk - The NC Calendar II

Quote:

Originally Posted by hav0k

Ahh weird day today...
I have been NC for a week from my ex, and the one time I saw her through this, I completely ignored her (see my previous post). So today I get a text from her asking to meet up after class. I know I shouldn't have agreed but I feel like I'm at the point where I'm okay with talking to her. Plus from our last run in, I think she thought I hated her, which I do not, so I wanted to clear that up.

Anyways, I meet up with her . We talk for a little and she finds out I'm stuck on campus today because my car is in the shop and I can't get a ride home until much later. She offers to give me a ride and then suggests maybe we can eat and hang out too. At this point I get a little angry, as I realize she misses me and just wants to see me to make herself feel better. So I tell her that I can't just come running whenever she misses me and tell her how messed up what she did to me was. At this point she gets mad and storms away from me. I think...okay...if you can't be mature enough to have a conversation with me than fine. So I leave too...I have my own stuff to take care of.

Few minutes later, she calls me and tells me she wasn't doing this to try to get me to stop ignoring her (I told her I needed my space), but she was only trying to be nice by offering me a ride home. I feel a little guilty for telling her off before, and start to think that maybe she really was just trying to be nice, so I tell her fine, you can drive me home if you really want. On the ride home she tells me she is really hungry and would like to eat too before she has to drive back. Still feeling a little guilty, I agree to that and we find a place to eat. During this time, she tells me stupid, meaningless things such as "I miss you and I think about you all the time." When I hear this I realize that I was right - she just missed me and wanted to see me - she wasn't just driving me out of kindness.

At this point I know well enough not to get my hopes up about her coming back to me and whatever. In terms of healing, I don't think today's incident has set me back. I don't miss her more than I usually do, and don't expect anything of her from today. This situation was just overall very awkward for me to handle. On one hand, I know if I had refused her ride back I would feel guilty because, according to her, she was just trying to be nice. However, after accepting her ride and her telling me those nonsense things, I feel like I was tricked because it turns out it was only because she missed me...

Thoughts anyone? How should I handle this in the future?

A week is not that long.If it was like a couple of months it would be different,but a week is nothing,it doesn't mean anything what she did,because I know that that is what you are really thinking.

What you should be thinking is,yeah she misses you but.. she's not with you.So nothing of importance has changed.You should have and you should from now on,give her more time to miss you.

Oh,and by the way,I'm over a month now,of not contacting and ignoring her texts and calls,which of course have stopped for 10-12 days or so,and were stupid and irrelevant anyway.

Last week was bad,but everyday things are a little different,not better necessaserily,but different.Been working out like crazy,and running through that proverbial wall!

Fortunately,the winds are back!Surf's up!

Quote:

Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

I don't think the facebook status was a good idea. It was obviously aimed at her... and it kinda looks like you were trying to get a reaction. Don't be one of those people that wear their hearts on their facebook status.

Don't mean it in a mean way, just don't broadcast whats going on in your life (drama) over the facebook airwaves, its nobody's business

I have to agree here. It seemed your status reaction was based on trying to get a rise out of her. Maybe you were feeling a little down because she called you and you wanted to know what she was thinking about you? Either way, I wouldn't recommend it in the future.

When I am tempted to do that sort of thing... I think along these lines:

I respect my ex for not trying to contact me and understanding when I told her that we couldn't be friends, at least not right away, so the least I could do is respect her decision to end it and not try to force emotions up on her that she doesn't need. Granted, she shouldn't be checking up on me, but just in case she is, why would I put things out there to dig at her?

EDIT: Any spion, I wanted to respond to your comment "who did I fall in love with". Realize that who she is now, is not who you fell in love with. They probably couldn't be further apart, and many of us can relate to that.

I agree with you bigbird. I have been NC for a about a month and I haven't done anything like that in the past. It's just that after she accused me of calling her and not vice versa I just got very annoyed and lost my composure. At least now I know better. I just love the advice you guys give because it's blunt and that's what I want to hear.

Anyway I blocked her friend from Facebook, even though I'm friends with her, and I told her the reasons. This is what she said in response.

lol aww spion_kop, i think u know her too well, or maybe girls in general. and she talked to me about how she misses u more than ever now, and i told her that it's not that, its' just that u've stopped giving her that attention, that's what makes her miss u more. the fact that ur not answering her calls or calling back makes her miss u more. and she agreed. so, anyway, she has to get used to that, because clearly u had it 10 times worse than her, and if u can do it, she has to too.

What's so special about an individual is their own special individuality and personality that they hold true to them self (somewhere deep down inside). The bad things in life will not be changed by passivity or idealism but through our own capacity to make wise choices in our engagements with the world around and also within us. By learning how to treasure freedom and compassion, we cultivate an ethical life not as an end in itself but as a mean to serenity and wisdom. We sow the seed of our future through what we commit ourselves to in this moment. Maybe that whole thing is a mouthful, (but hopefully not wrong?)

Quote:

Originally Posted by ka1111

A week is not that long.If it was like a couple of months it would be different,but a week is nothing,it doesn't mean anything what she did,because I know that that is what you are really thinking.

What you should be thinking is,yeah she misses you but.. she's not with you.So nothing of importance has changed.You should have and you should from now on,give her more time to miss you.

I know a week is nothing... Some people I see here have NCed for months. But we've been on a break for over a month before I started NC and during that time I did maintain contact but was also working on getting over her. Through this, I believe I skipped most of the hard parts of NC in the beginning. Maybe it hasn't hit me yet, and I'm speaking too soon, but I see people who are in the same length of NC as I am posting stuff like "I miss her so bad I really want to call her" etc. I haven't felt like that since we first went on this break over a month ago, and if anything I felt like this week of NC was very liberating.

So really, I know not to expect anything from this encounter. I never would have gotten in that car with her if I knew it as only because she missed me but she pulled the guilt card on me. I just feel a little deceived and hopefully in the future I don't have more run ins like this...

I guess I'll follow Tal's advice (good as always) of polite but unavailable

On day 8. Not so down today, but still a bit confused I guess... how is everyone else?

Hi Dollar,

Eh... okay. Trying to stay strong... I actually posted a letter on the 'letters to ex' topic that I wanted to send to him, but I didn't send it.

How are you doing? Are you still confused about whether you should contact her family?

High five for not sending it! I'm proud proud proud of you! And I'm not so confused anymore, I think I'm more bitter lately, I'm sure there's an anomosity growing in me... oh well. And I haven't contacted her family no, I have no intention on doing so either. Thanks for remembering! Made me smile.

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Originally Posted by dollarman

High five for not sending it! I'm proud proud proud of you! And I'm not so confused anymore, I think I'm more bitter lately, I'm sure there's an anomosity growing in me...oh well. And I haven't contacted her family no, I have no intention on doing so either. Thanks for remembering! Made me smile.

Thank you my friend, so very much!

And I am proud of you as well! You are doing great with NC!! :)
I understand why you feel bitter. You love someone so much, and you give them your all, and then this happens...

Starlite, good job on not sending, strength is what will pull us through. Today is going OK for me, really want to talk to her but I will not make that call or text, she wants to see what else is out there so fine. As well do I then.

Question for you guys and gals! What would you do if your ex wanted you back today? Would you say yes or no? Just curious... remember when doing NC it is also great rule of thumb to know where you stand if in fact they do come back into your life... start preparation for that mental meltdown in case it happens.

Hey Guys, well I broke NC today with her mother. I don't feel to bad about it though as her god father passed away, and I think I did the right thing by sending my condolences.

My ex made contact with me to though, twice since yesterday. She sent me an e-mail, just saying she was in town and wanted to know what I was up to. It bothered me because she used my pet name and dropped an xoxo at the end. And than today she texted me and said, "I saw your dad today :) I Miss him :(" That also bothered me... I have managed to pull myself out of the funk pretty good though. 2 more days and she won't be back in town for a good few months, I can't wait!

Honestly jolienoire... I'd be willing to work on it. I'm not sure how I'd react if I heard those words, but I'd be willing to work on it. And I would take all that I've learned and see what happened..

Quote:

Originally Posted by jolienoire

Question for you guys and gals! What would you do if your ex wanted you back today? Would you say yes or no? just curious... remember when doing NC it is also great rule of thumb to know where you stand if infact they do come back into your life... start preparation for that mental meltdown incase it happens.

I would definitely WORK with her if she was willing to WORK on what caused the separation, and then I would probably go another round. But I honestly don't know if that day will ever arrive

Jolienoire, if she can leave once she can leave again.

The way she did was just so completely immature too. And nothing has changed since we've split. Im still doing ALL the work as far as figuring out what I am doing with her stuff that she left in MY HOME.

-.-
-Sik

Quote:

Originally Posted by jolienoire

Question for you guys and gals! What would you do if your ex wanted you back today? Would you say yes or no? just curious... remember when doing NC it is also great rule of thumb to know where you stand if infact they do come back into your life... start preparation for that mental meltdown incase it happens.

That's a good question. I know I can say that I wouldn't. The sheer amount of people... family and friends that would kill me for doing so would keep me in line. I think I would be too embarrassed to show my face if I did. Easier for me by the way she treated me I think... I really hope all you guys would do the same.

Quote:

Originally Posted by NorthernNiceGuy

Hey Guys, well I broke NC today with her mother. I don't feel to bad about it though as her god father passed away, and I think I did the right thing by sending my condolences.

Yea I broke NC with my ex's dad I ran into him yesterday but it felt good in a way to talk to him, we didn't talk about my ex, just talked life. Small talk. Felt good, I don't know y.

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Originally Posted by classicrocker

I would definatly WORK with her if she was willing to WORK on what caused the seperation, and then i would probly go another round. but i honestly dont know if that day will ever arrive

It could it or it could not, Let me tell you I was in the same boat, I went months without talking to my ex. He did inititate several attempts to contact during the NC period, But I kept my cool stayed grounded, and didn't give in. But again I already have been through a divorce so my tolerance level is pretty dense.. Anyway Months passed I already considered us never getting back together, but again this is the guy I dated many years ago back in HS before I was even married. SO we have a history.. anyway he came back and with a vengenance.. He was completely miserable the whole time we were apart. I guess I didn't worry because I knew deep down in my heart of hearts I was good to him, and when you make a good impression in someone's heart it usually stays there.. My point is when he came back I was firm in what I wanted and stood for, and if he couldn't handle it then he was knocking at the wrong door. He knows I am very verbal, and very true to my word. Yes we are still together, and stronger than ever...

Quote:

Originally Posted by classicrocker

starlite, good job on not sending, strenght is what will pull us through. Today is going ok for me, really want to talk to her but i will not make that call or text, she wants to see what else is out there so fine. as well do i then.

Good for you, Rocker! :) That is right!