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Originally Posted by George_1950

MLB33: it's because you are hurting and need to get better. You've gone too far and gotten out of balance. That's just my opinion, though. If you are wanting to get walked all over and ground to bits, then NC ain't for you; you may need to start calling her up and texting and begging and just leave your personal worth and dignity in the closet. It sort of gets to whether or not you've hit bottom. Just my opinion.

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And a good opinion at that. I know, I've tried the calling and texting, etc. Try it if you want MLB33, and I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure all that's going to happen is that you are going to feel good because you have contact with her, but then you'll feel like $#!t because you'll realize that having contact with her doesn't equal getting back together, even though that's what you want to happen. And then, you'll start wondering when she's going to return your calls/texts if she doesn't answer right away, and then you'll start to get paranoid that she's out with some other guy and doesn't need you (which could be true). You WILL be back to square one then.

I've been down that road dude, just 2 months ago. I know it feels like if you don't do anything then you'll be letting her slip away, or she'll start to think that you don't care or whatever, but dude she broke up with you, right? She was already slipping away anyway. She's the one who doesn't really care. That's the biggest thing about all of this that us dumpees take forever to realize - the person that dumped you created the situation, and there isn't anyone who can fix the situation except them. You cannot control it, no matter what you do, because you can't make them change their minds about the decision they made. You can't MAKE them come back to you. They have to come to that conclusion themselves, and the only way to do that is to let them see what life is like without you there. If you had a great relationship and spent a lot of time together, they will feel it. Then they'll either try to come back, or fill that void with someone new (almost always the latter).

I can't reiterate this enough - if you throw your dignity out the window and start calling and texting, and leaving wood blocks on her door she's going to think you don't have any balls and can't live your life without her. How attractive is that to your ex, or any woman really? Doing that will flush ANY chance you have down the toilet. That's why NC is the best option if you're trying to get your ex back. However, the MAIN reason for NC is that you are trying to move on and get WHOLE again without this person in your life. You are trying to get back to the person you were when she first met you - the person she fell for in the first place (and who other women will fall for too!) You shouldn't be using it specifically to try and get your ex back.

So basically there's two options:

1.) NC - she will feel void and MAYBE try to come back. MAYBE, and probably not.
2.) Call / Text / Beg / Plead - she will think you're a pu$$y and won't want you back at all.

Am I right or am I right?

Ha, you think I wrote a lot here? Go check out my post when I was going through my breakup. It's a freakin' novel. Comes from being an English major I guess...

Ok... george, I didn't mean I was sitting around doing nothing I just meant that I feel like I'm not doing anything when maybe I should be trying something, anything I don't know to get her back.

Confused... I understand all that. I swear on my life I do and I know it doesn't sound like it because I keep asking questions. I mean, hell I'm very aware of who broke it off haha. And don't think I'm trying to argue with anythign because I'm not at all. I know that wooden block thing sounded retarded but I know that she would know what it was. Maybe it wouldn't have an impact and maybe it would. Maybe it would be positive and maybe it wouldn't. I just want you to see where I'm coming from here. I refuse to look like some kind of wrecked desperate idiot to her. I have NEVER been in this boat before. I just wondered if a little push (the stupid block haha) might make her think a little.

And to add to that, Im almost positive she is with this guy that she worked with. The job was new to her and she talked about him but said she had dated somebody like him before and I didn't work out. (whatever right) When she broke up with me she said she didn't have any desire at all to be with anybody else. I know what you're thinking, I think it too. Anyway, this guy is filling her void that she would have if she was alone. . Know what I mean? I know if she really loves me and all that crap she'll come back nomatter what. I just didn't know if that would get her mind back on me.

This is such a good idea... Well, since me and my ex used to work together we would still see each other but I refused to talk to him since he's a cheating sack of s**T.. So I haven't talked to him or called or texted or any sort of communication in 2 months. I even quit my job so I don't even see him anymore... As time goes by I seem to hate him more everyday. I love it. I couldn't be any happier without him in my life :).

It's been two months for me. I still have times when sadness hits me out of the blue and I let myself have a good cry. I open my heart too easily. It's just always been so hard for me to say goodbye, even when I know it's the right thing to do.

Dude. I don't doubt that this is one of the hardest things you will have to do in your life. First loves are the hardest to get over for sure. In fact, you may never fully get over them. My ex was my first love as well, and I had never had to deal with this kind of thing until now. I mean, we were together from the time I was 20 to the time I was 25. We were with each other almost every day, and slept together every night for a little over 4 years. We were GREAT together (or so I thought). $#!t, her mother even said we were soul mates. And then she dumped me - and believe it or not, I still love the girl, even though I know she's with someone else now.

And I'm still having trouble with the breakup 4 + months later. I was with my ex for a long time, but some others on here were with their ex for much longer. I expect that all of us will continue to struggle with it for several more months. I mean, that's why we post on this thread.

Point is though, is that we all see where you are coming from MLB33, no matter if we were with our ex for 4 years or 40. It's all the same. We all have this in common with one another. Many of us are further down the SAME PATH that you are on. Yeah, there are variations here and there, but they are all variations of the same story. And we are telling you what we've learned in hopes that you will not make the same mistakes we did when it comes to begging/pleading/trying to influence the ex, and breaking NC. All we're trying to do is speed your healing dude, so you don't have to wallow in agony for as long as we have. You need to go back and reread what I just posted, because you need to understand that no matter what you do, you cannot influence whether they think about you or not. In fact, if you try to influence them to think about you when they would rather not, you will just make them want to think about you EVEN LESS, because they will feel like you are forcing them to confront the situation. All you can do is disappear, and let them start to wonder what is up with you. It's exactly opposite of trying to get them to think about you - in essence, your absence will make them think about you. If you are always there, texting and calling or leaving wood blocks or whatever, they aren't ever going to miss you or wonder about you because they'll know you are still stuck on them.

You know, it's funny. When you are going through this stuff for the first time and you are hanging on to that thread of hope, it seems like no matter how many people on here tell you to let go and go NC, you just can't. You read what everyone tells you to do, and somehow you just don't listen. I had like 50 people on here tell me to go NC, but I thought my situation was different for some reason. It's like, you have to go through it and come to the realization that NC is the best way on your own. To bad it usually happens after your ex has found someone else and you realize that all hope is lost. But the good part is, you learn a lesson that you won't soon forget, and so next time you find yourself in this position you know exactly what to do.

What's funnier is that I'm sitting here holding onto that thread of hope... and then I'm telling some other idiot DON'T THINK THAT WAY! JUST DROP HER LIKE SHE NEVER EXISTED!

... that's it. I'm out of here.

:: pretending to study ::

Ya it's much easier to give advice then follow it. But NC is almost always the best way to go. Contact after the break, can and usually pushes the other person further away. It's probably the hardest thing to do, but most things worth doing, aren't easy.

MLB: The wooden blocks idea is great. It's thoughtful, sweet, romantic, and it's a unique way of getting your point across. How could she not love it? Well its like I said a thousand times before, life isn't like it is in the movies. In some sort of romantic film that type of thing would easily win the girls heart, but not in reality; that sort of thing just doesn't work. I know what you're going through, we all do, we all try thinking of really great romantic ideas that will bring the ex back, but it's best to leave those ideas for the people who actually want us as a partner in a serious relationship.

See that type of tactic would probably work great if you two had gotten in a fight and weren't talking because you were angry at one another. But it doesn't work when the person dumps you because she "wanted to be single." You cannot catch what doesn't want to be caught. You can't change that sort of mindset. She didn't break up with you because she had problems with your behavior or something terrible you did, she did it because she wanted her space and to be single.

Look, if you really want to contact her go for it. Give it a shot, the only thing at risk are your feelings and mental health. Heck as far as we know you contacting her might actually work and bring her back. We cannot tell the future, we can only tell you our experiences. It's funny really, you remind me a lot of me, trying to come up with really sweet ideas to win back the girl you care so much about. Trust me, I've tried it all: flowers, poems, music, etc. and none of them worked. In fact they failed miserably.

You keep asking if there is more to No Contact then simply healing yourself, and the answer is yes. No Contact is the only sensible, rational, tried and tested path of the dumpee for two reasons: (1) anything else will only serve to push the ex further and further away and (2) if she comes back then you know that she truly loves you. Think of No Contact as a test for your ex, now sit back, enjoy life, and see if she passes and earns the right to be by your side.

Listen you. I truly truly know that everybody is trying to help. I hope I don't come off like Im trying to disagree with you. You're right about it being different when you are the one living it at that time. You kept saying things about holding onto that thread of hope. Yeah, know what you mean... Im squeezin the hell out of it. Do you ever think that if you tried somehow to contact her and it just totally blew up in your face... well maybe not that but you got the response that there was no hope at all left it would have helped? I swear I'm not trying to make an excuse to contact her. Its been 10 days since the breakup and I've not contacted her in any form or fashion once. Pats on the back are welcome thanks thanks haha. But really, I have this lingering thought in my head that maybe we will work out or something along those lines. Im sure you all had that same thought. I just wonder if you really knew 100% that it was over if that might have helped in some weird twisted way.

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Originally Posted by MLB33

Listen ya'll. I truly truly know that everybody is trying to help. I hope I dont come off like Im trying to disagree with you. Youre right about it being different when you are the one living it at that time. You kept saying things about holding onto that thread of hope. Yeah, know what you mean....Im squeezin the hell out of it. Do you ever think that if you tried somehow to contact her and it just totally blew up in your face...well maybe not that but you got the response that there was no hope at all left it would have helped? I swear im not trying to make an excuse to contact her. Its been 10 days since the breakup and I've not contacted her in any form or fashion once. Pats on the back are welcome thanks thanks haha. But really, I have this lingering thought in my head that maybe we will work out or something along those lines. Im sure you all had that same thought. I just wonder if you really knew 100% that it was over if that might have helped in some weird twisted way.

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We all had this thought. And we all hold on to that thread of hope. Only, some of us have been holding on to it longer and have started to see that it's really just a false hope.

Contact her now and there is a good chance it'll blow up in your face, and then there won't be any hope left. If you feel like you need to do that to move on, then do it. But if you aren't ready to move on and would like to continue to hope you might get back together, then leave her alone because calling her now might push her away. I'm not saying don't contact her ever, or that you can't work it out. My old boss dated this girl once in high school or college or something. They broke up and went their separate ways, and then several years later found each other again, and now they are together. It's rare, but it does happen. All I'm saying is that you can't work it out RIGHT NOW. It's been 10 days dude. Right now it's too fresh. Right now you need to let the dust settle a bit, pick yourself back up, and get your head back on straight. Once you have had time to examine the relationship, you might find that she wasn't the best person for you, and that you are just missing being with someone and not necessarily her. And this could take a long time. I would say 1-2 months for every year you were together, but I don't even really know myself. It's taken me over 4 months to finally begin to let go of any hope of getting back together. And getting back together could take a lot of time. Notice in the example I used above, it took them YEARS to find each other again.

I would tell her if she does get in contact that you need some time to think about the situation, and to not talk to you for a while. If she really wants you back, she'll respect that and wait, and you can take some time to make sure being with her is the right thing to do. Although, there's the possibility that she won't contact you at all, and I think that would speak for itself.

However, you should always do what you feel is right. We don't know this chick, only you do. We are just trying to give you advice based on our personal experiences. If you really feel as if you want to place your chips on that small chance that it won't blow up in your face, then call her up dude.

What helps me is to remember this: When I start feeling down about it and start missing her, I just grow some balls, and repeat to myself over and over "She doesn't want to be with me, otherwise she still would be. AND She's already with someone else, so why should I care anymore?" That tends to do the trick. :D

MLB I am in the same point of impact as you. It's been 11 days with NC and it is very hard. And yes, I do still hold on to hope that she will come to her senses and call me and try to work things out. But I also know this NC is for me to heal, which I am getting better. Hang in there, my ex is giving all types of warning signs that she is curious to how I am doing, looking at my myspace, driving by my house in her friends car, having her friends randomly call me at 11:30 to ask about a weird IM she got and wanted to know if I knew who it was. I was put on speaker phone by her friend and could hear girls in the back ground. Her friend Sam also asked if I was with anyone when I called and then when me n her friend Sam talked the next day she made it a point to tell me to "hang in there, she isn't having feelings for anyone else at all" and then another friend IMs after 2 1/2 weeks of not even speaking to me and seeing me at work to find out how I am doing... So trust me, it's hard but NC is best if you want any shot of getting her back. It's one of the hardest things you will do, but you have come to almost 2 weeks and it would be stupid to go back to square one and then you're wishing you never took that plunge. Just stick it out, if it's meant to be it will happen.

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Originally Posted by MLB33

Listen ya'll. I truly truly know that everybody is trying to help. I hope I dont come off like Im trying to disagree with you. Youre right about it being different when you are the one living it at that time. You kept saying things about holding onto that thread of hope. Yeah, know what you mean....Im squeezin the hell out of it. Do you ever think that if you tried somehow to contact her and it just totally blew up in your face...well maybe not that but you got the response that there was no hope at all left it would have helped? I swear im not trying to make an excuse to contact her. Its been 10 days since the breakup and I've not contacted her in any form or fashion once. Pats on the back are welcome thanks thanks haha. But really, I have this lingering thought in my head that maybe we will work out or something along those lines. Im sure you all had that same thought. I just wonder if you really knew 100% that it was over if that might have helped in some weird twisted way.

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No because even if they say "IT'S 100% OVER FOREVER" you're not going to believe it... It's because you are in the DENIAL stage of grief.

Out of all the stages of grief that you are going to go through, Denial seems to last the longest...

I'm still in some form of Denial... After all this time I still find it so hard to believe that the man I knew so well and loved so much could ever do this to me.

So again we are telling you that hearing that there's no hope will not make you believe it. ONLY TIME and stricked NO CONTACT will ever make it easier.

Rome: How do you know she is checking your MySpace? I didn't think that was possible since there is no way to track who is watching and who isn't. On another note, I think the way your ex-girlfriend and her friends are acting is kind of immature. I'm glad you are staying above the fray and not falling into their game. Above all though I hope you're still on track with the jealousy courses. I feel that once you truly fix that part of your life everything else will nicely fall into place... with or without the ex.

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Originally Posted by freakinconfused

And a good opinion at that. I know, I've tried the calling and texting, etc. Try it if you want MLB33, and I might be wrong but I'm pretty sure all that's going to happen is that you are going to feel good because you have contact with her, but then you'll feel like $#!t because you'll realize that having contact with her doesn't equal getting back together, even though that's what you want to happen. And then, you'll start wondering when she's going to return your calls/texts if she doesn't answer right away, and then you'll start to get paranoid that she's out with some other guy and doesn't need you (which could be true). You WILL be back to square one then.

I've been down that road dude, just 2 months ago. I know it feels like if you don't do anything then you'll be letting her slip away, or she'll start to think that you don't care or whatever, but dude she broke up with you, right? She was already slipping away anyway. She's the one who doesn't really care. That's the biggest thing about all of this that us dumpees take forever to realize - the person that dumped you created the situation, and there isn't anyone who can fix the situation except them. You cannot control it, no matter what you do, because you can't make them change their minds about the decision they made. You can't MAKE them come back to you. They have to come to that conclusion themselves, and the only way to do that is to let them see what life is like without you there. If you had a great relationship and spent a lot of time together, they will feel it. Then they'll either try to come back, or fill that void with someone new (almost always the latter).

I can't reiterate this enough - if you throw your dignity out the window and start calling and texting, and leaving wood blocks on her door she's gonna think you don't have any balls and can't live your life without her. How attractive is that to your ex, or any woman really? Doing that will flush ANY chance you have down the toilet. That's why NC is the best option if you're trying to get your ex back. However, the MAIN reason for NC is that you are trying to move on and get WHOLE again without this person in your life. You are trying to get back to the person you were when she first met you - the person she fell for in the first place (and who other women will fall for too!) You shouldn't be using it specifically to try and get your ex back.

So basically there's two options:

1.) NC - she will feel void and MAYBE try to come back. MAYBE, and probably not.
2.) Call / Text / Beg / Plead - she will think you're a pu$$y and won't want you back at all.

Am I right or am I right?

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Very true. Though I would add that in a lot of situations, after the dumpee institutes NC, the dumper does come back after a period, BUT by that stage it is too late. The dumpee has started to get themselves back and wonders what made them so needy and reliant on the dumper. They like themselves and their life again and are ambivalent or wary about letting the dumper back into their life because they don't want to revert back to being the needy person the dumper made them! The catalyst for that might be that they meet someone better, or they may remember what they liked about being single.

It is, in my view, that ambivalence stage that the dumpee goes through, that often turns the tables and leaves the dumper needy and feeling like they have made the mistake of their lives in letting the dumpee go. BUT it is often too late!!

I actually took a page out of my ex's book and put a tracker on my page. Its not one you can see, and all it shows is an IP address. But me being an IT guy and having set up her entire computer network at her house I know the IPs. Not from stalking but because I was taught to remember those long numbers for work purposes. I feel as though the immature acts she is going about is to strictly get me to cave in and contact her by saying something along the lines of "stop having your friends do this or that" then she will deny it and feel the ball is back in her court. I'm not going back to that point again. And thanks, I am still on track. I'm on my second course as week speak, got 2 weeks left on it then I start my 3rd. I passed my first course and even got a call from the instructor saying he has never seen someone so determined and motivated to better themselves before. About everything falling into place, I'm sure it will. Everything happens for a reason, and it's to the point where her childish antics are actually helping me move on even better. I would respect her much more if she just came right out and said "can we talk" instead of these games

Rome: Wow that's a neat little trick there. It's good that you know the IP address or the tracker seems as if it would be pretty useless. Is she doing the same thing and tracking your views? Does she know your IP address?

Well good job on the classes. I'm really glad to hear that. You definitely have to keep that up. As for the ex's antics, just continue to brush them aside. Looks like the ball in your court and it's going to stay that way.

My friend actually challenged me to not look at her myspace anymore, so since the day before New Years, I have not went onto her myspace at all. And can honestly say, I feel very calm and relaxed about it. It was tough for the first few days, but once I hit a week, I don't even have the urge to go on anymore. So nothing is getting popped up from my IP on hers lol... That might be the start of all the antics and now that I don't text her 24/7 and talk to her at work, she is starting to wonder... What happened ha ha... I'm starting to feel not so powerless anymore, after all that I have accomplished with everything, I feel as though I am stronger and standing a lot taller than what she is right now.

Rome: That's really interesting. I'm thinking I might get me one of those trackers. Question, if you don't know the person's IP address is there a way to track it back? If so how?