Yea I am, and she will get the point eventually because I am leaving the only job I see her at because my career job is getting bigger and won't have time for it. Then I'll just change my number and be all set.
Where abouts in jersey?
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Yea I am, and she will get the point eventually because I am leaving the only job I see her at because my career job is getting bigger and won't have time for it. Then I'll just change my number and be all set.
Where abouts in jersey?
Bergen County. You?
So the oddest thing happened to me last night. I talked to two of my friends (one is a mutual friend by the way myself and ex) and I had an epiphany. I was talking to her about the entire breakup and since then, and she told me "Oh yea! I totally forgot. You were the one who broke up with him. Twice...I mean I don't know what to say." And I had to stop myself. I realized that his lack of contact, etc wasn't him rejecting me. It was me who rejected him, whatever my reasons were (my own insecurities--i was scared he wouldn't stay interested), not that they matter much anymore.
I'm not sure why but this helped me get over the ex a lot, in a span of an hour or two, more than NC, months of self-pitying, or anything period.
Even though my feelings of love for him were constant, I reacted in a volatile manner to them. The worst manifestations were when I'd get angry, resentful, suspicious, and demanding. No wonder he called me "crazy" and "indecisive." My own insecurities played mind games on me. I became adamant that we wouldn't last, even though I wanted it to, and that breaking up was the only way that I wouldn't get hurt in the longrun.
In any case, I realize these are the consequences of my actions. (We are over.) I talked to him online today, and I didn't feel angry, resentul, or like my heart was ripping in two. Instead I just felt sad for him and for myself--him, because of his inability to communicate his emotions, and me, because of my inability to lose control for a person completely.
I'm not even sad. I think the breakup portion that hurt me the most was the feeling of rejection. But we both rejected each other because of the type of people we are. I guess we were incompatible in this regard.
Maybe these are "mind games," but this is very different from the other times. Maybe it's acceptance. I'm not sure what.
All I know is that he's moved on and I feel like I've finally started, too.
I live in Burlington Country.. Right outside of Trenton...
Yea, I know what you mean, I have finally realize my ex is moving on, and while I don't want a relationship, I know I need to just find someone to pass the time with. I know that's kind of frowned upon in this forum but still it will take my mind off things... At least for awhile
I know that you guys probably look down on my actions of violating NC. In any case, I felt bad being a total ***** to him so I asked my ex if he'd like to meet up again and that'd I'd buy him ice cream as a gesture of apology. He agreed (he likes sweets like me). Since he always visited me, I agreed to visiting him.
Only I find myself not wanting to make the effort (several hours into cold New England blech) to see him, like I normally would. In other words, I feel like it isn't worth it. I don't want to see him that badly. So I was about to cancel on him by asking him to visit me (he's a bit lazy). In any case, he said that he'd visit me, which is fine, too.
It's so strange. I almost feel guilty that my feelings for him have faded away. It's not that I don't want to see him. I do miss his company. He's a really funny, nice guy. I just don't feel anything for him anymore.
Is this a sign I have gotten over him? Is this normal? Or is a mindgame again?
I mean... I can't believe it!
Anyway, I just wanted to thank everyone for listening to me. I wish everyone the best!!
jiltedgirl: I'm a little confused at your situation. You say that you were the one who broke up with him twice, but yet you felt rejected. Unfortunately I don't really understand that.
Aside from that it's hard to say whether you have gotten over him. In reality only you can know that for sure. However, I suggest you give yourself a week and see how you feel then. If you no longer think about him then you have indeed gotten over him.
One last thing, it sounds like the "epiphany" you had has helped you mature. You are starting to see that it was a lot of your insecurities that helped lead to the end of the relationship. By all means it wasn't entirely your fault, but by working on these insecurities this acknowledgment will help you in future relationships.
I thought he didn't like me enough, which was why I broke up with him. I thought he didn't want the relationship as much as I did. It's only now that I realize I was wrong. Once again, it was my own insecurities playing around with me.Quote:
Originally Posted by confused25
It's OK.. I got a funny little story for everyone, my ex and this guy she works with are starting to talk. Her friend(no longer friends) liked him since early November, so when her friend Sam confronted her about it a huge blow out occurred in which my ex said she liked him before her. Naturally her ex friend felt compelled to tell me(not that I can believe her friend but I didn't care anyways), and after my ex found out her "friend" told me. The past 4 days she has been texting me telling me that's not what she said at all, and she wishes I would believe her for once and that she has never lied to me an blah blah blah. My response was simple and short saying "none of it matters now, we aren't together" and she said "But it's not like I liked him while we dated, he's just been there for me since we broke up" I know this guy is a rebound and it's not going to last, but I still just told her "goodbye" and she still texted me even after we met at work last night to exchange some things I found while cleaning out the basement. Nothing was said while we were exchanging, except hello and small talk... Then I walk back inside work and again a text saying "I wish you would believe me, I only had feelings for you. I just couldn't take the jealousy and controlling anymore" So I said "Since I am trying to change and be more trusting and everything..I will believe you. Thank you for the truth. Goodbye"
Was I wrong for saying that?
Romefalls19 writes: "Then I walk back inside work and again a text saying "I wish you would believe me, I only had feelings for you. I just couldn't take the jealousy and controlling anymore" So I said "Since I am trying to change and be more trusting and everything.. I will believe you. Thank you for the truth. Goodbye"
"Was I wrong for saying that?"
If I could edit out anything, it would be 'will' in 'I will believe you' to 'I believe you'. Perfecto!
Yea, I mean she never lied to me during our relationship, that I know of anyway. So her friend could just be telling that stuff to me because she's angry. So I will just believe what she has told me, and while part of me does want her back, that responsed seemed like the right thing to do.
As much as it seemed like bullhonky, you manned up to it and you played it fine. Right now, you have the upper hand. Feels good, don't it?
Yea it does, because she was so caught off guard by it.. She was expecting an argument or me to flip out on her and I played it completely cool and took the high road. She now doesn't know what to think ha ha.. We will see how everything goes.. I'm going to keep the NC and the barely talking when she texts me, but not be rude either.
jiltedgirl: I want to give you the best advice possible, but before I can I have to ask the following question: Did you at any point try to get back together with him after you dumped him the second time?
Romefalls19: I think you are handling everything very well and you should be proud of yourself. Right now I'm almost positive she is confused at your mature behavior and also feels very bad about the recent events that happened. This doesn't mean she will have a change of heart about having another shot at the relationship, but your actions are saying a lot of good things about your character. Keep it up!
Yes, I did. He asked me if I was positive that I wanted to get back together. I replied honestly, no. I told him to give me a day, except I never gave him an answer because I was unsure. When I had finally decided several weeks later, it was too late.Quote:
Originally Posted by confused25
None of this matters anymore anyway. I am meeting up with him and my friend here to smooth things over between us in an hour or so. I don't harbor anymore feelings (and by that I mean romantic) for him or want to get back together. We're just better off friends.
jiltedgirl: Sounds like you know what your doing. Let us know what happens after the meeting. Good luck and I hope it goes well.
The past few days have actually been pretty good... I don't really think I miss her anymore, rather, who I thought she was. I'm no longer saying to myself "damn, I had a good one" because if she really was a good one she probably would have made more of an effort to commit. Anyway, NC works! And I'm so glad I found this site! I can't even imagine where I would be without it... probably still calling making myself more miserable. Thanks everyone!
It was a little awkward in the beginning, but he was so exhausted when he got here, he took a nap (while I was getting ready for the party). Apparently, I got very drunk and he had to carry me back to my room, so I guess it worked out; he got some sleep while I passed out and began the process of sobering up. I popped the aerobed he was supposed to sleep in by accident with my heel (I am very very clumsy) so when I woke up this morning, he was asleep next to me. We didn't do anything that night, but I thought it was odd that he kept wanting to cuddle and kiss me. He really wanted to hook up. I told him "no" because we are trying to be friends.
However, we hooked up. I felt guilty during and afterwards. I wasn't really into it and I realize it's because I'm not into him anymore. That made me a little sad.
In any case, he just left. I'm not sure what I'm feeling. I didn't think it'd go this way.
Oh well.
jiltedgirl: Well first of all, I've learned that things never go the way we want them to. Trust me, when it comes to relationships I always think of every possible scenario that can happen and to my surprise something I didn't even think of occurs... and it's not always for the better.
I'm sure you have already realized this, but you should not have met under those circumstances. I thought you guys were going to get together over some food, talk things through, and let one another know that there were no hard feelings. Instead you guys bring a party, alcohol, and sex into the mix, which is always bad news.
Personally I think that despite what you say, you BOTH still have feelings for one another. They may not be as strong as before, and ones feelings may be stronger then the other, but the feelings are definitely still there.
If you really aren't into this guy anymore then you need to stay true to your word and not involve yourself romantically with him. If he wants to cuddle, kiss, or have sex then you need to tell him "No" otherwise your sending mixed signals. If you want to be friends then you need to keep it at just that. If you can't then go back to No Contact. Erase him from your life and move on.
Personally I think you two need to sit down (maybe over a cup of coffee) and have a long talk about where you both want this relationship/friendship to go. If you both agree that you would like to stay friends then you should both agree to some boundaries and stick to them. If one or the other feels that a friendship will not work then leave it alone and be happy that you two tried.
I guess what it comes down to is knowing what you want. Whether it's a relationship, friendship, or nothing to do with him. Once you know that, you'll be able to make the right decisions.
Thanks confused25. I definitely agree with everything you just said. It sounds completely reasonable and I wish my [our] actions had been different.
I should have just been resolute and stuck with a resounding "No". I did for a while. I kept resisting, and he continued to ask, "Why not??" I told him "You know why. Because we're trying to be friends. And I don't know about you, but I don't kiss and have sex with m friends."
But I understand that if I want to be friends with him, we have to establish boundaries. This is the last time we will have sex. I am POSITIVE that he doesn't harbor any feelings for me. He probably just wanted some A$$ (excuse my french).
jiltedgirl: From what you're telling us it does sound like all he wanted was sex, which more then likely means he no longer has any romantic feelings.
Aside from that, the most important thing is how you feel about him. If you honestly are over him then I think you can have a friendship with him. However, if you're not then I suggest you give it some more time before you try talking to him.
Good luck and keep us up-to-date!
Yes, I'm positive that all he wanted was sex. I'm not sure how I'm feeling right now. I'll give it time.
Well I just found out why he was so affectionate and wanted to hook up this morning. According to a friend, I apparently made out with him while drunk. I have no recollection of this whatsoever.
Talk about blocking out unwanted memories...
I texted him last night asking if he got in safely and that I needed to talk to him so please come online. He never replied to those texts and he never came online.
I was suddenly reminded of how much it hurt me when we dated. It was always difficult to get into contact with him and I used to think he was ignoring me purposely when he wasn't. In fact, that was the last straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. When he had "ignored" me unintentionally for a day, I broke up with him.
At least I'm not hurting like I did back then, although I have to admit that I'm annoyed. I wanted to establish boundaries, as recommended by confused25.
Especially after rereading confused25's previous post, I now have to wonder if he truly did only come down here for sex. He drove 3-4 hours, left a tournament thing he had early on so he could make it here, and he told me that he had been completely exhausted and a total mess that morning. But I had just assumed that he felt guilty for cancelling on me previously and because I had accused him of being a flake, and that's why he went the trouble to visit me.
In any case, I plan on asking him as follows:
1. Did you just come here for sex?
2. If not, why did you let things escalate?
3. If you want to be friends, I want to be friends and not friends with benefits.
Does this sound good?
The only thing that can help is letting go, and stop assuming, which you seem to be good at, and keeping the no contact, as seen in your last post, you have more questions than answers, and are not focusing on healing. His motivations, for his actions, are not important.
I think No contact is a very effective way of healing and at times even a good tactic at getting the ex back. However, I just don't feel that it should be applied to jiltedgirl's situation... at least not yet. In fact, I believe that simply cutting contact right now would be running away from the problem.
Of course she has questions and after sharing a very physical and intimate act I believe she has a right to have them answered. BUT you have to be prepared to hear answers you don't want to hear, including "Yeah it was just for the sex." In other words, don't ask the question if you fear the answer.
Personally I think you are ready to have a calm and mature conversation with this person. Talk to him about all of this and lay to rest the whole problem. However, it's important that you go in with the attitude that whatever happens, happens and life goes on afterwards. Don't go in with the idea that maybe you'll get back together, or maybe you can be friends, but instead go in with the idea that you are about to finish this chapter of your life and your fine if it has a good or bad ending.
In my opinion you should try to talk to him, but don't make it a priority. Don't stress out about getting answers to your questions right away. Let things flow naturally and talk to him whenever it just happens.
You will never hear me say NC is tactic to get an ex back. Just my opinion, the better you heal, the better your prepared for making good decisions based on facts, for yourself. She had a chance at that rational conversation already, and has a hang over to prove it.Quote:
I think No contact is a very effective way of healing and at times even a good tactic at getting the ex back. However, I just don't feel that it should be applied to jiltedgirl's situation... at least not yet. In fact, I believe that simply cutting contact right now would be running away from the problem.
Hey confused25 and talaniman! Thanks for the input, as always. You both brought up valid points. I did lose an opportune moment to have a rational conversation, which was the entire point of the trip... ((sigh)). I was so bewildered by the turn of events I didn't know what to think (like you said, it was probably the hangover... ).
I will ask him when I see him online. I don't expect anything from him. There's nothing to lose. I mean, to be frank, I lost him three months ago when I broke up with him. Lol. I guess I have to be prepared for the chance to lose him as a friend, too. :/
Quote:
Originally Posted by jiltedgirl
I can sympathise with what you are going through, like yourself I wouldn't mind a few answers either. Even though I've staunchly stood by the no contact rule and reached 60 days (yeah!), I still feel an urge to seek answers like you do. I've got no clue what I'm hoping to gain from it, or even why I have such an urge. Maybe once you get the answers you are looking for you will be able to gain the closure you seek.
So I find myself thinking that it has been virtually a year to the day that my ex ended our relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by Numb
In many ways I have started to move on, but in so many ways I am struggling to do so. I still think about her on a daily basis, why the person who I did absolutely everything for, and helped through some tough times and a bad illness, would go against everything she said to me, that she loved me and wanted to be with me.
On the other hand, it is nearly 6 months of no contact. I have not contacted her and I won't contact her, so in that respect I am pleased with myself that I broke the cycle of me being there for her on the pretense of friendship, yet her doing nothing for me except give me false hope that we may get back together and use my kindness for herself.
I still think that she may contact me at somepoint, though I am starting to think now that it probably won't be on the basis I want it to be. If she does call, she will either not be listening to my requests that being friends won't work or, she may contact me to talk about us, but I am not sure I could ever trust someone again who let me down so badly.
I am just trying to get some perspective. The fact that I have stuck to NC for 6 months, and will continue to stick to it, is surely good. How else can I try and move on further!?
Any thoughts would be appreciated?
Wow. I never thought it would come down to this, but my ex is avoiding me. He never replied to my texts from Sunday. He didn't reply to the one that I sent to him last night--"Are you ignoring me? I won't bite"--and he never accepted my Facebook friend request, and I'm pretty sure he's been online on Facebook. I just sent him another one this morning to not be a douc*he, that it'll only take a few minutes, and that I'm going to keep bothering him until he answers.
I just can't believe he is reacting this way. He's acting so immature. I honestly don't see why he is making it such a big deal. We hooked up. It was a mistake. We both know nothing is going to come out of it. And for some odd reason, I'm not even angry at him. Just surprised.
Well, on the bright side, we can now do NC for real in line with this forum's philosophy. I mean... I understand if he doesn't want to talk to me again after this. I don't understand why, but I understand that this is his wish. And to be frank, I'm sort of sick and tired of trying to be friends. But, I deserve, no, he at least owes me one last explanation.
I just asked a mutual friend to tell him to talk to me and stop being so childish about it. Come on. If we're going to end things, I don't want to end things this way. And by "this way," I don't necessarily mean bad. It seems like we're going to have a bad ending either way. Lol. But I might as well get some answers...
Jilted, understand I'm not trying to be harsh, but your chance for answers has come, and gone, and anything but accetance and healing, will only prolong your questions and misery.
I don't think that's a question for you at this time. I think you already know how NC, has helped you so far. You will have those days where you have doubts or feel uncertain. That's only those old feelings making a last ditch effort to influence your thinking, so push them aside, and stay on the path.Quote:
I am just trying to get some perspective. The fact that I have stuck to NC for 6 months, and will continue to stick to it, is surely good. How else can I try and move on further!?
Well he just IMed me. I didn't get a chance to ask my questions and have the "answers to come and [go]," but told him to be around later to talk.
He really is a fantastic bullsh*tter. I wish I could be more like that instead of blunt, open, and to the point.
Oh well. I agree NC will be best after this. But I want my answers, whether they're what I want to hear or not.
I feel you jilted... it's just that most of us here want answers. Most of us here are from the infamous "I need space..." and we all know that's not really it. So we want answers. We go after answers, and we realize... they don't really have answers.
I would MUCH rather my ex come up to me, come clean and say, YES. WE BROKE UP BECAUSE I WAS INTERESTED IN ANOTHER GUY. But... it ain't going to happen.
We work with what we got... and sometimes... it's not much. Sometimes, it's nothing at all.
I hope you get the answer you deserve... but if not, at least you got us.
Thanks ISneezeFunny. I continued the conversation once I got back to my room. I actually did get the answers I needed--the excuses that he normally gives to cover his own --when I asked him why he was avoiding me and acting weird. He told me he wasn't really avoiding me but I called when he was asleep. When I told him that I noticed he didn't friend me back on Facebook, he snarkily replied, "I noticed you defriended me...so," which is just another example of his repressed anger at me coming out. He was very snarky and cold. He tried to act like he was fine with the hook-up, even though when I asked if we were cool, he replied, "sure, well what do you mean by cool?" He seemed to be the one who was defensive, not me, yet he accused me of being very defensive. I suppose it's just another example of his immaturity and selfishness, saying he got caught up in the "spur of the moment," which I aptly said "so you thought with down there" and he replied, "that's what I meant."
In the end, I let it go. I'm just so sick and tired of making nice. I tried hard to make the relationship work. I tried doubly hard to make this friendship work, too. At least I got to express everything I wanted to and got everything off my chest. I explained that I hadn't meant that to happen. I told him I didn't think we could be friends to which he replied, "That's insane. Of course we can be friends."
That was the only time that I kept my own thoughts to myself: "Not if I can help it..."
Surprisingly I went from being indignant to just feeling sorry for him. He only cares about himself and that's the way he will be until he changes. He made the hook up a much bigger deal by avoiding me afterwards, coming up with excuses, and acting cold and distant with me--not friendly behavior.
It's not so much more that I am forcing myself to stick to NC anymore. I just don't want to talk to him and deal with his inability to communicate anything. As I told him, "you have the mental capacity of a spoon and the emotional capacity of a rock." He, of course, told me that statement made no sense whatsoever.
I told him not to think too hard about it.
By the time he figures it out, I'll be gone.
Tal: I'm sorry, I think you took what I said the wrong way. I never meant to say that you suggested NC was a tactic to get the ex back.
jiltedgirl: Well it looks like you got your questions answered. I'm sorry that it didn't turn out better, but at least now you can move forward with your life. Forget about this guy. Personally I have little respect for men who engage in sex with someone who cares about them and then brush it off as it didn't mean anything. Trust me you can do a lot better. I suggest going back to NC and begin writing the next chapter of your life.
No problem, I never took it personally, just wanted to make sure that others see it for what it is and not build false hope. Standard expert disclaimer.Quote:
Tal: I'm sorry, I think you took what I said the wrong way. I never meant to say that you suggested NC was a tactic to get the ex back.
It has been said and re-said: "...it's just that most of us here want answers." At the end of the day, folks, it really just doesn't matter. "I need space" and "I need time": it's over. I don't believe romantic love is negotiated.
I'm just starting NC and I am a little scared, but I need to start to heal and move on. He is not the same guy I started dating and I need to remember that and now I feel as if I do not even know him. It is just so difficult after living together for almost two years with all the memories we have to then go to not talking to at all. Hopefully he will realize what he lost and I will be over him by then!
sunshine79, you have written: " i need to start to heal and move on." That is a great start and NC will work for you. Just watch those little, impulsive tricks in the mind, like 'I'll just send a little text' or 'I'll just send a nice email', etc. And when you start blaming yourself, go get a milkshake.
Hey those in healing --
Take at look at my break-up guide
(Below in my signature)
It just may help... Many have found it helpful in tough times.
Best,
A
Quote:
Originally Posted by George_1950
... george, if I followed that advice I would have gained at least 20 lbs a week after the breakup.
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