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Originally Posted by talaniman

The only reconciling he will do is if he gets what he wants, and you do what he says. I care a lot, and want you happy, but you really need to get the stars from your eyes, and move forward. Stop speculating on him and deal with what YOU want.

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Hi Tal,

Thank you very much. I really want him, but I know what you all mean. I want him, but it has to be US, not just him. I know I would make him so happy, but I would love more than anything for him to realize that because of his yo-yoing in the past, (and I guess now), that this is not right; that this is why I said what I said. Basically I want him to wake up and step up to the plate. I hope that doesn't sound unreasonable on my part. Who knows what he is thinking, and if he really wants this relationship (me).

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Originally Posted by starlite1

Who knows what he is thinking, and if he really wants this relationship (me).

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You are better off that way. I know it hurts to hear that, but its easier if you don't know anything about what he is doing, or what he is thinking. Any inkling of his thoughts will just keep you hanging on and feeling very upset.

Keep strong and stay on the NC path. Trust me, and many others here, it gets better!

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

You are better off that way. I know it hurts to hear that, but its easier if you don't know anything about what he is doing, or what he is thinking. Any inkling of his thoughts will just keep you hanging on and feeling very upset.

Keep strong and stay on the NC path. Trust me, and many others here, it gets better!

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Hi BigBird,

Thanks very much. It is just so hard. I see how men (especially here on this site) are so wonderful, and they really do care about their ex's. I just feel (not because of the site - this site and the people on it are awesome!) extremely heartbroken, because he since the breakup, he doesn't/didn't reach out to me to even talk about working on things. It's like, yet again, he kicked me to the curb, and threw away his feelings towards me. I know that sounds selfish on my part, but, my God, there is nothing I wouldn't have done for this man, I genuinly love him, but either he doesn't see that, doesn't want it, or doesn't know how to handle that... I just don't know, and it breaks my heart...

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Originally Posted by starlite1

It's like, yet again, he kicked me to the curb, and threw away his feelings towards me.

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This sort of thought is totally under your control. For example,

My ex hasn't tried to reach out to me in 2 months. She sent me a couple emails, but since those, I haven't heard anything from her, and at this point, I'm thanking her for that. It would be SO much harder for me if I had to choose to ignore her constantly, I'd rather her let me heal and I appreciate the gesture from her.

See, I choose to look at is as her doing me a favor, not her "kicking me to the curb". When we first broke up I told her that it was going to be hard for me to be friends, and that upset her. However, she has been strong and not tried to contact me repeatedly, and I respect and appreciate that.

Its all in how you decide to look at it.

I agree with BB...

Star:
In a way he's making things easier for you!. Thank him for that... I know you would rather him calling you, and trying to fix things, but like Tal said: he will only reconciliate if he gets what HE wants, and that's no good for you!. So thank him (don't contact him)bc he's doing you a favor... you can't realize that now, later on you will!. Things will get better Remember this:"not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of LUCK!

I agree with both BB and damaged. Your brain is automatically going to go negative, so you have to turn the meaning of what is happening into a positive outcome.

Thanks guys. You all make perfect sense. I am going to force myself to do that. I need to take control of my happiness, and by pining, worrying, etc... that isn't bringing in happiness...

Thank you guys! :)

How are all of you doing today?

Damaged, are you feeling better honey?

Hey star...
I'm feeling pretty good... yourself?.
Excited about the get-together?

Starlite,
He is using your own feelings to get what he wants, you to miss him enough, to give in to doing it his way, so you really need to re-evaluate such a one-sided, controlling, relationship, because you will never get what you want, without paying a heckuva price to your character, self-esteem, and dignity.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

He is using your own feelings to get what he wants, you to miss him enough to give in to doing it his way, so you really need to re-evaluate such a one-sided, controlling, relationship, because you will never get what you want without paying on heckuva price to your character, self-esteem, and dignity.

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Thank you Tal. I can't tell you, and everyone else here, how much I appreciate your insight and advice. I know he is so one-sided. I hope that by me breaking up (believe me I didn't want to) maybe will give him a real wake-up call. Who knows?

Well I posted a week ago telling you lot that I'd been having dreams about my ex lately. Since I posted that, I've picked myself up and had a really good week. But today, I've woken up in bad form.

A while ago, my ex contacted me with a number I didn't know. She told me when we broke up that it would be a good idea to change our numbers. So I guessed that she had changed her number and that's why when she text me a while ago, I didn't know the number. Well when I was slightly drunk on Saturday night, I decided I'd ring her old number to see if she had changed it and guess what, she had.

Now when she texted me with her new number, I deleted the message so I have no way to contact her even if I wanted to. But this is getting me down because we had been together 2 and a half years, now I haven't even heard her voice in about 3 months. She's just like a stranger to me now. And I'll probably never get to see her again (bar walking past her in the street). Just one of those days you get :(

Dazt:

A bit off... because if she suggested that you guys changed numbers, and she changed her number, did she assume that you haven't? Because... if she thought you would change your number... why would she text you at your old number?

However, now that you have no way of contacting her... technically, it's a good thing. Almost a forced nc. Now the ball's in her court.

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

dazt:

a bit off...because if she suggested that you guys changed numbers, and she changed her number, did she assume that you haven't? Because...if she thought you would change your number...why would she text you at your old number?

however, now that you have no way of contacting her...technically, it's a good thing. almost a forced nc. now the ball's in her court.

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We had been texting about a month (about an incident that happened) before that and I was still using my old number and she was using her mum's so I guess she just assumed I hadn't changed it. Thing I don't get is - she told me we should both change our numbers, so why when she got a new number, why did she text me using it? I think she did this because then I might chase after her again - and I know she loves me chasing after her.

I know how you feel... It sucks so much when you feel good for about a weeek and then one day you wake up and feel like crap.. but be patient you'll prob feel better tomorrow.. try to get busy today and just get through the day.. Its a good thing that you don't have her new number... It'll help you in the end... Things will get better!!

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I hope that by me breaking up (believe me I didn't want to) maybe will give him a real wake-up call. Who knows?

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This worries me as maybe its you who needs the wake up call, not him.
(Darn, tried to say it nicely, without being harsh)

Hi Daz,

I am sorry that you are feeling the pain. I know (we all know) what you are going through and how you are feeling. In a way (again, I know this is hard) it is a good thing that you don't have her new number, because that will always tempt you to reach out to her. It is best not to for your own good. It is the best thing for you. The feeling that you have of her being a 'stranger' is a normal feeling when a breakup occurs. But just know that you will get past the sadness and hurt. You will meet someone else and you will fall in love again. It will take time, but you must try and stay as strong as you can, and keep yourself and your mind busy with other things. Always know you can always come here and talk with all of us.

Thanks Star.. At the end of the day, it was my decision to delete her message and the number and then went and deleted her mums number, her dads, her sisters and her friends numbers so that I would have no chance to contact at all. I'm on 3 months no contact, most of the time I've been positive but you get a couple of days in the month when you feel really down about it. Not sure why.

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

however, now that you have no way of contacting her...technically, it's a good thing. almost a forced nc. now the ball's in her court.

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I agree. This is one of the times where it is nice not to have any control over that situation. You no longer have a choice, and it will make it easier. No more temptation, as you have no way of contacting her anyway. Take it one day at a time, you'll get there. Your in a down moment, but in a short while you'll be feeling great again.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

This worries me as maybe its you who needs the wake up call, not him.
(Darn, tried to say it nicely, without being harsh)

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Hi Tal,

You didn't sound harsh at all :). I had that wake up call when I broke up with him I guess, but I wish he would have that wakeup call as well.

DazT, sounds like you are having a strong case of "separation anxiety". When you had access to her number, you had one set of emotions to deal with but knowing you don't know her number, it sets up another set of emotions to deal with.

It all goes back to acceptance that this is over... whether you have her number or not. I do not take "separation anxiety" lightly. I am no expert about it other then my own experience... have no real knowledge of it... If I lose a pencil, I can get "separation anxiety", well of course, that is a bit of an exaggeration but just meaning it isn't so much what I lose, it is the absence of something that was in my life and now is gone or lost.

I always have to get a mindset in loss. I am so sorry you woke up feeling so badly. Her texting you and then finding she had changed her number spun you around. You can always find a way to contact her so I don't that that is so much the issue. Did you respond to her text? If not, you are one step closer to your new future.

Personally, I don't understand why she would want you and her to both change your numbers. I would not change mine just to help her not contact, that just means all your friends would have to be notified, businesses notified, dental and doctor offices, etc.

It sounds like to me, you have been doing fairly well in NC and this is just a bump in the road leading to a better future. If she texts again, write down the number but I would not text back. That way, you can put the number away and sort of relax about the "separation anxiety".

I think the issue of "separation anxiety" has something to do with us feeling we have no control so we must take steps to control what we can, and what we can't, let it go.

I know "Easier said than done". You are doing good, better than you even know. Best to you! Moving on is difficult as everyone on this thread will attest to. But the longer you go without contact the easier it becomes.

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Originally Posted by jrebel7

DazT, sounds like you are having a strong case of "separation anxiety". When you had access to her number, you had one set of emotions to deal with but knowing you don't know her number, it sets up another set of emotions to deal with.

It all goes back to acceptance that this is over...........whether you have her number or not. I do not take "separation anxiety" lightly. I am no expert about it other then my own experience.....have no real knowledge of it..........If I lose a pencil, I can get "separation anxiety", well of course, that is a bit of an exaggeration but just meaning it isn't so much what I lose, it is the absence of something that was in my life and now is gone or lost.

I always have to get a mindset in loss. I am so sorry you woke up feeling so badly. Her texting you and then finding she had changed her number spun you around. You can always find a way to contact her so I don't that that is so much the issue. Did you respond to her text? If not, you are one step closer to your new future.

Personally, I don't understand why she would want you and her to both change your numbers. I would not change mine just to help her not contact, that just means all your friends would have to be notified, businesses notified, dental and doctor offices, etc.

It sounds like to me, you have been doing fairly well in NC and this is just a bump in the road leading to a better future. If she texts again, write down the number but I would not text back. That way, you can put the number away and sort of relax about the "separation anxiety".

I think the issue of "separation anxiety" has something to do with us feeling we have no control so we must take steps to control what we can, and what we can't, let it go.

I know "Easier said than done". You are doing good, better than you even know. Best to you! Moving on is difficult as everyone on this thread will attest to. But the longer you go without contact the easier it becomes.

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Yeah, I see what you mean. I didn't have the control I once had. Because, even when I did have her number, I didn't contact her once.. so what difference does it make?

She text me a message off her new number saying "Can you give my sister back my DVD tomorrow please?".. a month and a half later, I still haven't gave her DVD back, so I don't think she's even that bothered about the DVD, I just think she wanted to let me know that she has a new number just so if I want to go chasing after her, I have the number to do so. I just text her back saying "Yeah, I'll give the dvd back when I see your sister".

Yeah, I thought it was silly changing my number, so I never bothered. It's obvious, she's finding it hard to get over me to go through all that hassel just so I don't have her number then she gave in and gave me it? It's abit weird.

But anyway, I'm getting on really well with no contact, 3 months it's been.

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Originally Posted by DazT

Yeah, I see what you mean. I didn't have the control I once had. Because, even when I did have her number, I didn't contact her once.. so what difference does it make?

She text me a message off her new number saying "Can you give my sister back my DVD tomorrow please?".. a month and a half later, I still haven't gave her DVD back, so I don't think she's even that bothered about the DVD, I just think she wanted to let me know that she has a new number just so if I want to go chasing after her, I have the number to do so. I just text her back saying "Yeah, I'll give the dvd back when I see your sister".

Yeah, I thought it was silly changing my number, so I never bothered. It's obvious, she's finding it hard to get over me to go through all that hassel just so I don't have her number then she gave in and gave me it?! It's abit weird.

But anyways, I'm getting on really well with no contact, 3 months it's been.

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Sounds like you are doing good then and have made a come back from your down day! Good for you! :)

Hey all,

Just checking up on all you guys... Hope everyone is doing well.

I'm going on somewhere around 1.5-2 months, I haven't really counted and don't intend on it. I couldn't even tell you what day it was that we broke up - doesn't matter :)

For anyone struggling -- keep it up. Sooner rather than later you notice the results, and from there on out it all gets easier. The little bit of progess you make inspires you to keep going and one day you will feel fine again. I don't know if I would say that I am "great", but I am definitely okay.

I am still keeping busy, going out whenever there is something going on and looking forward to meeting new people in the future. Who knows what might come up...

Hang in there everyone.

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Originally Posted by DazT

. It's obvious, she's finding it hard to get over me to go through all that hassel just so I don't have her number then she gave in and gave me it?! It's abit weird.

But anyways, I'm getting on really well with no contact, 3 months it's been.

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It's a mind game they love to play... you got to prove to them and mostly to ourselves that we are strong enough to not chase/ txt/ call them... Keep it strong you are doing good... You will have bad days.. we all do... but if you hang tough you'll come out stronger than you already are!. ""This too shall pass""

Hey BB...
Im glad your doing "Okay".. Its awesome!. Keep up the good work :)

Hey guys,

I broke NC last night.. he sent me a text and I replied.. I know it's bad, but tonight around 10pm I'm going to lay it all out there and tell him we don't have a chance of getting back together.. I know it's going to be hard, but I think he needs to hear this so he can move on. He doesn't seem to get it in his head that it's over. Maybe then he will leave me alone...

Plonak,

Since you want him to leave you alone (basically) it might be best to lay it out to him like that. Some might say just ignore him, but if he wasn't totally clear on your intentions, and what was happening, it might be best to tell him like that. Just be sure that you don't keep letting him get you to call after this, at some point you may need to put your foot down.

I think its best that your open and honest with him. Don't tell him anything that might give him hope, even though that might make it easier for him in the short term. False hope is a killer in the long term. I'm sure you don't want him hanging on and getting hurt even more, so honesty is always the best... I'm sure you know that.

Be nice, but firm. You sound a little annoyed ("Maybe then he will leave me alone..."), just don't come across this way to him. You don't want him thinking you hate him, that would make it harder on him...

Good luck, and you know where to find us...

It's been more than a month now. I'd say that it's getting better and better each day. Just today I'm feeling a bit down and I thought about her.
This past weekend, I went out of town to visit some old friends of mine and had suchhhhh a blast! I did nothing but relax, take it easy and re charge my batteries!
How's everyone else?

Doing OK thanks Spion. Guess I feel a little left out sometimes because all my mates seem to be in a relationship, but I try to not let that bother me. Looking forward to being totally happy on my own, and then one day finding someone else.

JPM!! That's weird because that's happening to me too. When I was with my ex, most of my friends were single and now it's the opposite. But don't let it bring you down, after all, now they will come to you for advice on what to do etc. You're the more experienced person now and just keep your chin up!

That happens.. lol... now even animals have a mate or couple or w.e:D... But its okay!. things will get better!!

Don't know why, but having a bit of a down moment. Probably because we lost our 5 a side footy game tonight and I was pants, so guess feeling a bit useless for a bit.

Aaakkk

Stop being a sad sack! Just sometimes I can't look at all the great things that I have going for me, I get a bit caught up in the past, and look at what I haven't. I guess sometimes your up and sometimes your down.

Better day tomorrow I hope.

10 days~ *sigh*

Well, I told my sister that I want a military career and work in the psychology field. I also told her that I wanted to become a street racer.

Then, we talked about my relationship...
It was hard, but I managed to talk her directly with it.

Good News: My surgery went well and am now in the healing process (damn it hurts more than it did before, but with blood now)

There's no bad news to be said because her dads getting her stuff!!

-dances-

-Sik

Glad your surgery went well... I bet it hurts like s****.. hope you get well soon!.
Good to hear her dad is getting her stuff

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Originally Posted by Sikativ

Good News: My surgery went well and am now in the healing process (damn it hurts more than it did before, but with blood now)

Theres no bad news to be said because her dads getting her stuff!!!

-dances-

-Sik

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That's cool :)

I am planning on getting my stuff back after I finish my Army training (whenever I get sent)... lol

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Originally Posted by Sikativ

Good News: My surgery went well and am now in the healing process (damn it hurts more than it did before, but with blood now)

Theres no bad news to be said because her dads getting her stuff!!!

-dances-

-Sik

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Hi Sik,

I'm glad your surgery went well! I hope you feel better! I'm also happy for you that her dad is picking up her stuff. It's all good my friend! :D

Thanks everyone :)

Its funny also, we both are in a chatroom about a certain hobby. And its like nothing ever happened and it amuses me to no extent. :P

Is it bad that I have such a POSITIVE outlook at just about EVERYTHING in my life now that she's GONE?

-Sik

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Originally Posted by Sikativ

Thanks everyone :)

its funny also, we both are in a chatroom about a certain hobby. And its like nothing ever happened and it amuses me to no extent. :P

Is it bad that I have such a POSITIVE outlook at just about EVERYTHING in my life now that she's GONE?

-Sik

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No way! That is awesome, and by all means, you should have a positive attitude. You are on the up and up!! That is great! Keep that positive attitude and you will draw positive things to you! :)