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Yea, it is best to keep it private. Although I know the guy she has been hanging out with and he is such a tool and really I don't see him as a challenged at all and I was even told by her friend he is just there to see if I get jealous... So who knows.. We will see what happens but the pain in nothaving her in mylife would be too much you know?
I guess when you do NC right, good things happen. Haha but in all seriousness, that's a good insight look into it. I was thinking that she's jealous and nosey or she worries about losing me. I don't even know why she would contact me again. We've known each other for 2 years and she dumped me right at the day before our homecoming dance. So low of her. Anyway, I'm not really sure if I want her back into my life. No one has replaced her and she has one of a kind personality, she's cute and she's fun to hang out with. I guess I want to be friends with her, but should I make friends with her or should I let her approach me?
Romefalls19: Yeah I absolutely understand. However, at the same time don't allow yourself to get into a position where you're emotionally in pain because you're having to hear about other guys she is dating. Personally I believe you can be a part of her life without having to know the details about her relationships with other men. When you've truly moved on and are ready to give her dating advice then sure you can sit there and listen, but for now it's too early and talking about one another's personal lives will only create problems. Take it slow and one step at a time.
Yep.. I feel as though talking and showing her I can be that guy again will do wonders for me emotionally... Because we started as friends before when there was another guy in the picture and had no intention of dating and then it happened so who knows.. Fate is funny like that
Why is it that the rebound is always a tool?. is it the fact that WE think they're tools? I've looked into this... all my friends think my ex's rebound is a tool... obviously.
Then I looked into what other people thought. I experimented. During a conversation within my study group, we brought up the people that I saw at a bar recently. I brought up "the new guy" and my entire study group, with disgust on their faces, said, I HATE THAT KID.. . they don't know about my situation... they don't know about anything. For some reason, he really is a tool.
I went further. Found out that really, most of my ex's friends don't like him except for 2 people... and the two people happen to be dating one another. So the group is... my ex, the new guy, and those two people. Double dating, I guess. A lot of my ex's friends have stopped or have decreased talking to her... and actually have been calling me to hang out with them.
Someone should do a sociology thesis on this.
Romefalls19: There you go! I think you got the right idea. Hopefully things work out for you, if not then at least you kept a good friend. No one knows what will happen, but that's what makes life exciting.
Spartan24018: You don't have to do anything, she has already approached you through the MySpace message. You said you want to be friends, and if your honest about that and you have no intentions aside from that then message her back. I would say something like "Well you didn't need to go that far to see my account. If you wanted to be friends you should of told me. Well your added, I hope all is going well. Later!"
As always though, proceed with caution. Only message her back if you really are ready to be just friends.
Exactly... "Love is funny in a car crash sort of way" and ISneeze.. yea, it's weird. Everyone else sees this kid a total tool, he becomes WAY to attached to a girl, even after telling him "we're just friends" he will send like 50+ myspace messages anytime a girl shows any interest in him. I laugh it off and I'm like whatever you want to do. He has even told my ex "I'll beat his *** if you want me too" and my ex's response (told to me from 3 different people that we're there) "that's really sweet, but he would kick the crap out of you, no offense"
Don't you love that? It's happened to me as well. They were talking about me and the new guy apparently said WANT ME TO TAKE CARE OF HIM? And my ex looks at him, smiles, then goes... YOU MAY NOT Want to TRY. And her friends in the room then continue... YOU MIGHT END UP IN A DITCH SOMEWHERE. Then he didn't say anything.Quote:
Originally Posted by Romefalls19
I love it... Granted, I'm not the biggest guy but work out a lot and have been in my fair share of fights... But to see how much of a tool this guy is and say he could take me and the fact she shot him down very quickly was like... Wow.. dude you must have felt very little after that blow
Ok GOD!! Turn of events - I told you she text me and I waited a day and resonded. Then did everything right, 3 text and said I had to go to do something I don't know she said she would talk to me later. BUT NOOO, my fat mouth had to keep talking. I had sent something along the lines of "its too hard for me to talk to you do you think we should just not talk b/c im tryin to move on." Then she said "I see how you feel, good luck with whatever." So I felt the need to tell her I still loved her and all that crap. Its absolutley freakin amazing how that works. Long story short I called her today and she said she felt the same way she did 2 weeks ago. That she loved me and hoped it worked out in the future but it just wasn't working right now. So, like any fool, I told her everything. I told her I knew I wasn't suppose to be telling her this stuff but how I missed her and blah blah. Who's the tool here haha geez. She agreed we couldn't be friends. So its about 10pm now and I just sent her 4 text in a row.
To sum them up I said that I tried to find something to hang onto when I was talking to her on the phone but she never gave me any signs of wanting to be with me. That its OK if she wants to be single and that she's enjoying it because she should put herself first. I just hate that it happened this way. But if she really loved me like she said then there was no way she would let me go and that I finally realized that she was just letting me down easy. That I made a HUGE mistake when I broke up with her a year ago and that she's a great girl and I hoped things worked out for her. I ended it with, I really meant it when I said I loved her with all my heart, just so you don't leave thinking anything else.
Did I do OK? I really screwed the pooch when I kept texting earlier. So now its back to NC. Somebody PLEASE give me some direction.
Wow. Screwed the pooch.
Well, what's done is done. Contacting her to fix it won't fix anything. Leave it alone.
Right now, after all that, the ball's in her court. So... go back to nc. It may be day 1 again. Who knows. You know what you got to do.
MLB
You have done what a lot of Dumpees do in the first few weeks , this is because you didn't want to believe she didn't want you anymore. Your situation was different right , wish I had a dollar for every time I've heard that :-)
Anyway time for you to start going NC fulltime and start healing for YOU!
Again we have said what you should do so go back and read all your posts from Day 1 because unfortunately you are probably back there again.
And don't beat yourself up about it , BUT do learn from it.
How in the world could I have messed that up? I mean, I did everything so freakin right. Short and sweet with the txt and I told her I was busy and she said she would call me later. What else could I have ask for at that time?
Let me ask you this, I wrote a little paragraph on the last txt I sent. I sent them all back to back and that was about 2 hrs ago. Did I do right or wrong sending those?
No one can tell you whether it's right or wrong because we don't know you... we don't know the girl.
As I said... what's done is done. Did you screw up your chances completely? Maybe... but again, no one knows for sure. Will she call/text you again.. no clue.
Right now, everyone here is telling you to concentrate on yourself. Do that.
You did a couple of weeks of NC and then she wiggled the bait in front of you , you bit and look where you are now. Back to square 1 and she knows she still has you hooked.Quote:
Originally Posted by MLB33
Ignore her from now on and start healing , or get stuck in this state of false hope for how ever many months your willing to go through the pain.
As we've said before , nobody just decides they don't want to be with someone they love. If she really does she will come back eventually , if that happens then you need to make her work for that right. She dumped you remember.
Yeah I get that. I swear I do. I was just asking if I did right or wrong sending those last messages to her. Kind of trying to show her I was OK with it I guess hell I don't know what I was doing maybe trying to make her think. Here it is again...
To sum them up I said that I tried to find something to hang onto when I was talking to her on the phone but she never gave me any signs of wanting to be with me. That its OK if she wants to be single and that she's enjoying it because she should put herself first. I just hate that it happened this way. But if she really loved me like she said then there was no way she would let me go and that I finally realized that she was just letting me down easy. That I made a HUGE mistake when I broke up with her a year ago and that she's a great girl and I hoped things worked out for her. I ended it with, I really meant it when I said I loved her with all my heart, just so you don't leave thinking anything else.
My opinion
YES I think you made a mistake.
Firstly she knows you love her , you don't have to keep saying that to her or you will come across as some weak little puppy who is just sitting there waiting for her if she ever decides she wants to come back. Doesn't really make her panic about whether she made the wrong decision does it , she knows she can do whatever she wants and you will still be there for her if she needs.
Geez buddy. Listen... I KNOW I MESSED UP. Ok? I thought I was stronger then that. I couldn't have been more wrong. All I was asking, and you didn't answer it, is about that last set of txt I sent her. I sent them and left it at that. I was just asking what kind of effect that might have. SINCE, I messed up with the others.
Sorry didn't mean to get pissy I know you're just trying to help. I just wish I would have stuck to my plan. I mean it was right there, I had it set up perfect.
Apology accepted , and I thought I answered your question in the post above.
Dude.
I think the last text you sent her was kind of weak, and the effect it will probably have is to drive her further away. Do I know that for sure, no. I don't know you, and I don't know this chick. But what I do know is that as soon as I told my ex that kind of stuff she ran for the hills and got herself into another relationship right away. You need to do what I wasn't able to do for 4 months and grow some nuts. If you can get this girl, and she stuck with you this far, you must not be that bad of a guy. Go find you a new hottie because this one is done with you and done with this relationship. Does it matter why? No. All that matters is that she broke up with you, which means she does not want to be with you. If she did, she could easily fix the situation by coming back, right? Right. But she hasn't decided to do that so far, so as hard as it is to believe, and no matter how much you love her still, you got to look deep down inside yourself and find the guts to just say SCREW HER, and simply stop talking to her.
She's giving you the same answer she gave you from the start, which is that she'd rather be single than be with you. And if that's the case, please don't waste any more time on her. You're only getting older by the day. I know you probably don't see this now, and all of our words are just bouncing right off your head because you are still in that emotional love cloud, where it feels like everyone on this site is attacking you and giving you advice that just doesn't seem right. I know we are complete strangers to you dude, but we all turned to this site at one time for help, and most of us didn't accept what we were being told during the whole process. It was only afterward that we realized that everyone on here was trying to guide us in the right direction, which is why we are now back on here trying to help the next guy avoid making the same mistakes we did.
I know you already dumped her once, and you two got back together. But this time, you are on the receiving end. Does this mean you will get back together like you did last time. Can't say that for sure, and you shouldn't be counting on it. What I can say for sure though is this relationship is, as of this moment and the two weeks leading up to it, over. Leave her alone. If she REALLY wants you that bad, then its on her to fight to get you back. If she is acting like she doesn't care and doesn't want want to put any effort toward coming back to you on YOUR TERMS, then she isn't worth your time anyway. Hard to accept, I know, but true.
MLB: Listen, what's done is done and it cannot be undone. However, there is a bright side to what you did. At the end of the day you told her how you truly felt. You told her you loved her and if it was sincere then you have nothing to be ashamed of. Seriously, as I said there is no universal handbook to relationships (oh but how I wish there was one) and so we as love struck individuals do what we think is best in any given situation. I'm willing to bet that if you had not sent those texts and things still didn't work out you would be kicking yourself in the butt for never telling her you loved her. As much as it sucks when it comes to these things you usually just can't win no matter what you do.
At this point just go back to NC and move on with your life. If she calls great, if she doesn't well then so be it. Listen to what everyone has told you and apply that knowledge as best you can. Only time will tell whether you made the right choices.
MLB I know how you feel.. My ex e-maled me yesterday morning asking how I was and if I could be friends and just friends. She said she doesn't want to give me the impression it could become more. Basically what she tried to do what wiggle her way back into my life so maybe she could stop having her friends get in touch with me for stupid reasons. Putting the ball in my court and instead of making it seem like I'm desperate to have her in my life I politely told her "I will only be friends if its more than that occassional hi and hello stuff. I'm not going to pretend we barely know each other, we have been there for each other for 2 and a half years, so if being friends means talking once in a blue moon or that awkward hello at work, then maybe it's best we go our own seperate ways but if you're comfortable with being actual friends then I would like that." So I dun know what you guys think of that, so let me know if you think I did the right thing or not. Any background you need to know about me or her, just ask
You ready for that friendship level? You ready to see her with another guy?
She has already said she wished to keep our "love life" out of our conversations right now because she said "she's doesn't want to hear about it" And even so, I already know she has been out on dates and it hurt at first, but now I'm just like "whatever" and doing my own thing.. I won't be making much effort, if she wants to be friends, we can be friends.. If not no skin off my back
Girl speak with forked tongue, kemosabe; watch what she does, not her talk. Listen with your eyes.
Umm.. george.. Care to elaborate for me?
Words mean diddly. Actions mean everything.
I guess what I was asking was not "are you ok with her dating?"
It was more along the lines of... will you be OK if she finds another boyfriend?
Ehh.. it's going to happen sooner or later. At least this way the 3 am phone calls, random IMs and drive bys from her friends will stop. At least I'm hoping they will ha ha...
I am currently living in a completely different world... my ex hasn't even tried to contact me in any way shape or form. At all. She lives 4 minutes from me... but nothing. Nothing from her friends... nothing at all. The one time she tried to find things out was just simply asking my best friend how I was doing... but I feel like she did that out of politeness.
Eh. It's a relatively quiet life... although I DO wish someone was here to take care of me.. . I got the flu. After weeks of telling everyone to get the flu shot, I forgot to get it myself.. . sad.
Yea I know how you feel ISneeze, you're hoping for anything at this point. That's why the friendship is important to me, I'd rather have her in my life as just that then nothing at all. We went through A lot together. Not like problems with our relationship but deaths, family problems and such. I was there when her friends abandon her, strangely the same friends that she is with now. So we will see how things go, we were friends before and we fell in love with each other that way.
Rome: All I know to tell you, haha advice from me yeah I know, is that you had better make SURE you are ready to face the fact that she may be with somebody else. Like they said, if you are that's great, no biggie. If you are not 110% sure, it will come and hit you in the side of the head like a ton of bricks. I thought I was ready after 2 weeks to just be able to talk normal. Not to be friends but at least talk with a level head... not so much. Just be careful man.
Here's prob my last question. IF, I know big if, but if she does call back or text back someday and I'm not over her how does this sound for a response... "If you are not ready to try and slowly work on things then at this point im not past this yet and its too difficult to talk to you. I hope you understand." I want to respond because I don't want to be rude. Im not a rude person and I never will be. I dotn want to be an a@@hole. But I think that is short and to the point. If she doesn't undertstand that then I'll see her true colors.
MLB: I don't think there's anything wrong with responding that way - it's honest and you are looking out for yourself.
The biggest problems I have with this whole getting dumped crap is:
1.) My ex seems like she is totally over me. Whether she is for sure, I don't know. But what I do know is that she's hooked up with someone else and is likely dating him because she has pretty much quit talking to me right after she hooked up with him. And her words on the topic were "He's so cute, I really like him." I, on the other hand, am just now getting to the point where I am starting to accept that she's completely gone, and it's over 4 months later. I haven't even looked at another woman. It makes my angry because it's like she had a head start on me. She basically wanted to dump me for a while I guess. I guess I was oblivious to it. It really makes me feel like crap, because from here it seems like her life is great, while mine sucks @$$ now, and I'm really just NOT happy. In fact, the happiest I've ever been were those 4 years I was with her - she made me an all around better person. I know I'll eventually be OK, and I can feel myself getting stronger by the day, but I mean, she really just flipped my life upside down, while hers stayed the same, only she got herself a new group of friends and a new guy to #uck.
2.) We spent a little over four years together. And I mean, just about every day and night together unless she was out of town, or we were in class, etc. We hardly ever fought, and just had an all around wonderful time being in each other's company. She literally was both my girlfriend and my best friend all at the same time. But now its like, not only have I lost my girl, but I don't even have her as a best friend anymore. She just doesn't even contact me at all, as if I never meant anything to her. I just cannot comprehend this, and I know I probably never will. But really, I just cannot understand how she could be that close to me, and then rip me out of her life and toss me aside like a piece of fuc#!ng garbage. I think this is the hardest thing, because we were so close and so good together. Practically all of my friends were jealous of our relationship, and wanted one like it. Even her mom said we were soul mates. And it seemed like it happened so fast. I mean, one week we were talking about moving to a big city and selling our furniture. The next week we get home from her friend's wedding and bam! She's done with me and I have to move out. It's really just like, I cannot understand how someone who was that sweet, kind and caring, and such a wonderful lover could just turn her back on me and let me twist in the wind as if she never cared about me at all, ever. I just don't think I would be morally capable of doing this to another human being, especially one I loved and cared for for so long - but who knows.
Anyway, enough of my little rant. Just thought someone might have some insight as to how the dumper could pull a 180 on someone they love (loved?) and leave them to suffer.
If I had known the b!tc# was going to do this, I would have broke it off first so she could be the one to suffer what I've gone through. Haha, I'm evil.
I broke off a 6 year relationship with a girl that I loved very much that waned over time. She was my best friend etc but it was also a very co-dependant relationship. She was threatened if I spent a lot of time doing anything other than being with her and it's only now that I see that the best thing I did was to leave her and allow/force her to grow. It's ironic that she has now grown into the person I always wanted her to become once our relationship is over but at least it happened.Quote:
Just thought someone might have some insight as to how the dumper could pull a 180 on someone they love (loved?) and leave them to suffer.
Anyway, when I cut ties I did it very abruptly and didn't give her the type of support I had given her over the course of the relationship. I was rude, abrupt and 'left her to suffer' on her own. I'm not proud of how I handled it but I think it was to steel myself as I knew inside to this day I still love her very much and it was the hardest thing I ever did.
Anyway that was just what I did, but maybe it might give you an idea of why someone might have handled it a certain way.
Yar! Psh, women... My ex broke up with me and is away at college, we tried for a semester to do long distance and every time we talked she told how much fun she was having and everything was so great. But yet in that same conversation she would cry about how she missed me and that she would rather be with me. Anyway, xmas break... She broke it off. 2 years together, I thought we were stronger than that. And our relationship was just like yours. Her reasons were that she was having feelings for someone else, and she never really knew if she ever loved me, yeah, that was hard as f#ck to hear. So she tells me she doesn't know what love is, and then I find out through her Facebook that she was telling this new guy that she loves him after like 3 weeks of dating. What a hoe. She sent me only one email a week after she went back to college saying that she just feels different about us now, and that she's not sure about the future, but also that she doesn't want to give me false hope. I think she wants me to hang on to false hope.Quote:
Originally Posted by freakinconfused
Anyway, I feel the same way freakinconfused. I feel like she did have a head start, and that her life is so much better. But I know that in the summer when she gets back, ill get a call, but I'm not expecting anything. I want so bad to hope for the best, and that she'll tell me she made a mistake, but right now that seems so unlikely. And yeah, I don't want to end up being another one of her "girlfriends" so she can tell me all about some douche that she's dating, I don't think I ever will be. I know that if she wants anything to do with me its going to have to be all or none.
I'll tell you what I tell my sons: by summer, you should have a girl for each finger on your hand. You need to put this one behind you and get on with your life.
I figure by then, I won't care what she wants, and I probably will have a girl for each finger. HahaQuote:
Originally Posted by George_1950
The funny thing is, that while you are joking, you are probably right. Get out there, have some fun!Quote:
Originally Posted by ihatewestseneca
I know how everyone of you guys feel. I try so hard to pretend I'm fine but each night comes and I feel like I die a little more... No not suicidal, just the expression. I'm becoming hollow inside, numb to my feelings and just cold to anyone who pretends to care. Since I responded to that e-mail about being friends, she hasn't said anything back. I don't know what to think anymore, part of me wants to text her and just say hey, but I know that is completely wrong isn't it?
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