Ask Me Help Desk - Friend mysteriously stopped speaking to me

A little over a year ago, I made friends with someone associated with my company. After the person was no longer a client of my company, we started spending a lot of time together. After a first casual visit to her home, I met her extended family on both her side and her husband's side. We spent various holidays together, and she and her family were part of a very small group who celebrated with me on my birthday. This was not an ordinary friendship. The relationship wasn't perfect, but it was a close friendship.

Then, all of a sudden in early December, she stopped returning my calls and emails. I think she may even look at the caller ID and decide not to take my calls. I can't even identify what I did to offend her. I've even tried writing to her husband to see whether he can help me find out.

After three weeks of attempting, including putting read response tracking on emails, I'm finally giving up (partly at the suggestion of my other friends). Do you think we might ever be friends again? Should I?

Questions:

Has the husband gotten in touch with you in anyway to let you know any information? (I would not contact the husband again as she might be the jealous type and take this as a negative thing(If he has not gotten in touch with you then suggestion follows)
Do you know for sure they are well, and have not been in an accident? (If you know they are well and safe, then suggestion follows)

If this is the case, I would write a short note (for your benefit, not hers), telling her you have tried many times to reach her. If you have offended her in anyway, it was not intentional and have no idea what might have happened to cause her not to answer your e-mails or calls. Tell her that her friendship has been special to you. Just say thank you for the friendship she has shown you the past year. Wish her well and sign the note.

If she then contacts you, it is up to you as to whether you choose to try to be close. There are some people who, for some reason can have only one friend at a time. She may be this kind of person. When they find someone that better meets their emotional needs, they ditch the last friend with no explanation... it is cruel but not unusual. If you can, after mailing the note, I would put it out of my mind and move on.

Familiarity feels good so if she returns, it might feel good and comfortable but if she is the kind of person I described (and she may not be... I am not saying why she isn't communicating with you as I would have no idea) then I would say she is toxic to you and would be again. That is not to say you could not be friendly, kind and go out to eat sometime but I would be leery of getting as close as you were. Forgiveness is always a good thing so I am not saying not to forgive her if she comes back around... just protect your emotional health.

It is at times like this that sometimes hurt the most when there was never any intent in your heart to hurt someone yet they have taken offense and won't share that with you and give opportunity to explain since it is generally just a misunderstanding.

My heart goes out to you in this but I would say enjoy the friends who are true friends. Move forward and just file this away as a lesson in human nature. It hurts but sometimes there is just no resolve.

Best to you!

Thanks. No, the husband has not answered my question.

I've already written a letter as you described. She would have received it today or yesterday. I've also emailed a message saying that her friendship meant a lot to me and that if I had offended her in any way then I would like to hear how I've hurt her.

I have no idea what I've done, and maybe I never will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by meirav

Thanks. No, the husband has not answered my question.

I've already written a letter as you described. She would have received it today or yesterday. I've also emailed a message saying that her friendship meant a lot to me and that if I had offended her in any way then I would like to hear how I've hurt her.

I have no idea what I've done, and maybe I never will.

Then it appears you have done all that is within your power to do. It may be that you will never know what happened and I am sad about that because it does hurt but just know you did all you could do. Feel good about yourself. You sound like a very caring friend that anyone would be fortunate to have. :) I wish you the very best.

There may be other's that are "relationship" experts and perhaps they will have something different to input. I was glad to hear back from you. Take care. For your sake, I do hope you can put this behind you realizng you have done all you can do.

I agree with the last poster, that you have done what you can, so its time to chalk it up, and move on. You may see them again, you may not. Its out of your hands now.

Meirav... I had the same thing happen to me! I think that they put distance in a relationship because they freak if someone is too close or know too much about them. For whatever reason, maybe they had a childhood friend move away causing distress and it tainted them for life. Who the heck knows? I know that I spent many an day wondering what happened! I do know you can' t control anyone but yourself & accept that you have done what you could.

I've come to realize that the person wasn't a true friend. Friendship cannot be turned on and off like a light switch. If the person cared about our friendship, she would have returned my calls. It's a painful realization, but it's still a realization.

Quote:

Originally Posted by meirav

I've come to realize that the person wasn't a true friend. Friendship cannot be turned on and off like a light switch. If the person cared about our friendship, she would have returned my calls. It's a painful realization, but it's still a realization.

Good for you. Because you do value friendship, this is a difficult realization. You can now move forward, put this behind you. It is emotionally healthy. Doesn't help the hurt much but in time, that will dissipate. Blessings to you. What a wonderful friendship she is missing out on. Good and true friends are hard to come by in this ol' world.