I have a friend whom I have known for a few years. Sweet girl but every time we meet the topic of conversation is about her, her, and her and her drama life.
So I avoid meeting her much.


Tonight, I am going out with my family, kids and friends, I told her I may do so earlier this week. Should I message her to say to join? Or leave it up to her to message and when she does she will say - "why didnt you tell me about it again"? I can say "i did" but she will say "you know me i need reminding"

What's the best answer to give her?

"If you really had wanted to go, you wouldn't need reminding. And the world doesn't exist to remind you anyway."

Seems trivial. She sounds exhausting, not sweet, to me, but I only have what you say about her to go on.
If you like to have her as a friend, spend some time thinking of ways to guide her out of her self-centeredness.
You can try gentle suggestions, or catty responses like I wrote above.

There's no 'should' or 'best.' Just what you want.

But for this particular day? I'd remind her, because it wasn't definite when you mentioned it.

I like your remark but she would say - yes I'm sorry but am so busy with work kids and being hassled all the time by my ex.

She is exshausting in fact I stopped meeting her just us and kids as her conversation is tiring and I find certain things she says about her problems irrelevant to me. When I try talk and say something about my son, for example, she would say ahh that's nice but you know even my son.. etc etc and bang topic about her life again... and her problems etc

Can you give me clues on how to guide her out of her self centredness and examples of catty responses.

I told her I was going out tonight or sat and was not sure yet depending on another invite I was awaiting from another friend

She messaged me actually and told me to go with her and her friend tonight and her ex joining also, so it's a group of us (she said)
Always moaning about him , yet he's always there

Have you tried sitting down and talking with her about the friendship? Being open about liking her as a friend but frustrated by the way every conversation is about her and her family? That you need a friend who will interact with you instead of treating you like a doll that doesn't have its own thoughts and ideas?

Talk to her about feeling like you are her therapist instead of her friend. If she needs someone to talk to about the drama in her life, perhaps counseling might be an option.

In all relationships, Romantic or Plutonic, there is a major factor to remember, you can not change the other person unless they see a need to change and want to make the changes. Ultimately, you either figure out how to adapt to their personality or you walk away.

If you value the friendship, talking with her may show her a need to make changes and adaptations of her own. If she doesn't then walk away from the friendship. Don't add more drama, anger, frustration, etc. to the relationship. It won't hurt any less if you drive her away by playing school girl games.

I have told her number times (when she constantly spoke about her hate and problems with her ex but yet never left him) that I am no longer interested in hearing it anymore.
She now took action and left him which I am happy for her because he was a bully towards her, yet she still moans about him and yet she still meets him with the kids and yet I still get an earful

I gave you one example of a catty response. Any more are up to you!

You sound like you let her go on and on. Try to force yourself to stop her from now on. Hang up or walk out or change the subject. Have a key phrase that you use each time, like you are training a pet. It could be just the word STOP said emphatically. You could add a short sentence such as "Life isn't all about you" or "My turn." Then start talking about you or something else. You could even reward her when she can go an hour without monopolizing. Say "That was an actually fun time, sharing talking back and forth. Let's go to dinner."

I like your style Joypuly :)

Another message from here.. Here we go

Stating... Her ex now giving her hassle about kids and tonight and she doesn't know where to come with or without kids

See..
Its always a headache

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Originally Posted by Krs

She messaged me actually and told me to go with her and her friend tonight and her ex joining also, so it's a group of us (she said)
Always moaning about him , yet he's always there

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I am a guy and when a friend moans on and on about an ex yet still socializes with them you either point it out, or decline to join them. You don't just go along and set yourself up with what you consider BS! What's an ex doing hanging with the girls anyway?Makes no sense to me at all, and doesn't sound like having fun to me, which I thought was the whole point.

Unless she is that dense then refusing to socialize with her ex is a strong message for her to consider. Maybe you cannot change your friend but you can stand for what you believe and not just merely tolerate a lousy situation.

It's not like you have not limited contact with her before for those very good reasons you cited so why is this instance any different?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by joypulv

I gave you one example of a catty response. Any more are up to you!

You sound like you let her go on and on. Try to force yourself to stop her from now on. Hang up or walk out or change the subject. Have a key phrase that you use each time, like you are training a pet. It could be just the word STOP said emphatically. You could add a short sentence such as "Life isn't all about you" or "My turn." Then start talking about you or something else. You could even reward her when she can go an hour without monopolizing. Say "That was an actually fun time, sharing talking back and forth. Let's go to dinner."

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How do I sound like it let her go on and on?

Maybe it's time you distance yourself from her.

You sound like you let her go on and on just because you are here saying she does.
You may be the only person in the world who puts up with her, so she's even worse, dumping all her complaints on you.
From now on, it's your fault. Don't LET her do it to you!
My response to her latest message? "I'm busy. It's YOUR problem"

You are dead on!!

You an either stop spending time with her, or you can tell her that you are not going to discuss the same old tired topic with her any more.

I agree.. she sounds aggravating, not sweet. Sure you should be able to vent with friends from time to time... but when it becomes a constant thing... not even friends want to hear it.

So here are the events of last night... I tried to chat with everyone about normal topics.. Because it was not about her you could see she was not liking it and tried to jump in between my conversation saying " u will never guess what he was doing on our way down here . Calling me rude words.. Etc etc. Then the mood between then was soooo off they began arguing and she ended up storming off home. Then calling me st 2am and sending long messages about him.

I only heard from him that next weekend he's taking her on a weekend break just them for her birthday. She obviously never told me this as she knows id laugh in her face.

It's mental

Good job. It isn't going to be easy. Don't fall into the same trap where you spend half your time complaining about HER!
Use tough love on her when it's just the 2 of you. Mostly just say STOP. GOODBYE. TALK LATER. I DON'T WANT TO HEAR THIS ANYMORE. And HANG UP!

What I don't understand is... He was and still is abusive verbally and does put her around abit even in front of their kids. Yet she still keeps constant contact with him and they meet etc. I know its not my business really but why would someone stay in touch with such a person especially after bullying her so much and never helps with the kids. Then all her friends just have to listen to constant things about her drama wit him. Could it be she enjoys it?

Yes. She does enjoy the drama and apparently you do as well. Do you not have your own life to lead without listening to hers ? I couldn't put up with that for five minutes.

I don't enjoy it. Far from it. I have had to my eye balls and have told her I am not interested anymore yet she still does. I want to keep my distance but we all have same friends and if we go out we tell all of us..

Do they have kids together or something? I get your loyalty to the "GROUP" of friends, but from her, you definitely need some distance from her whining. She has become a depressing frustrating subject for you, (And probably your friends too!) and that just drags your own emotional well being down since all of you are helpless to change anything about her situation or circumstance. Only she has that power. Be nice if the "GROUP" confronts the problem as one, but obviously that' not happening, so you have no choice but to put a healthy distance between you and her, and unfortunately that applies to your "GROUP" when she, and HER EX(?) are a part of it. At least for a while until YOU can deal with it BETTER.

Sad yes, but the bottom line is you have to somehow give her, and her issue a rest. Removing yourself is the simple solution yet the hardest to do, short of going off on her, and risk alienating or dividing the GROUP, which is PACK/MOB mentality. It's on YOU to change/adjust your approach to this situation, because she won't. Forget her well being and pay attention to your own.

I see ALL of you enabling her behavior by tolerating it. Indeed if ALL of you told her to shut the hell up, and stop forcing this ex on you ALL, wouldn't she shut the hell up, or leave the GROUP?

You said you know it's none of your business, but are asking anyway.
STOP STOP STOP
You are too deep into this. You keep telling us more. Nothing more matters. She is who she is.
She's no different from millions of other drama queens. You are no different from millions of friends who have allowed her to drain you dry.
STOP!
It's actually all extremely tedious and boring after the 2nd or 3rd story....
if the subject intrigues you, ask her. She won't tell you the truth because she probably doesn't know the truth.

I haven't read the other posts.

Frankly it doesn't sound like you even like her, or enjoy being around her. There comes a time in life when you realize that not every person in your life, belongs in your life. There comes a time when you decide to surround yourself with people that enrich your life.

So really, it's up to you to decide if you want her in your life or not. If you don't, then break all contact, and move on. If you do, then you have to accept how she is and live with it, because she won't change, and it's not fair to ask her to change. So you either like her for who and how she is, or you let her go.

It's really that easy. But if she stays, then stop complaining about her and learn to accept her. In other words, stop complaining and creating drama about her complaints and drama.

I only don't because her conversation is one streak and always about herself and her ex

Apparently last week he was dead to her however tomorrow he's taking her on a mini trip just the two of them.

Its bananas

KRS, you either like being part of the drama, or you don't. If you don't like it, remove yourself from the situation. It's really that simple.

You ou can't expect us to keep giving you advice if you are going to continue to pace yourself in this drama.

Basically, and this is harsh, either do something about it or quit whining and complaining.

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Originally Posted by J_9

KRS, you either like being part of the drama, or you don't. If you don't like it, remove yourself from the situation. It's really that simple.

You ou can't expect us to keep giving you advice if you are going to continue to pace yourself in this drama.

Basically, and this is harsh, either do something about it or quit whining and complaining.

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My answer last time was basically the same; he seemingly enjoyed the drama she presented. He needs to get a life and distance himself from this friend.

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Originally Posted by tickle

My answer last time was basically the same; he seemingly enjoyed the drama she presented. He needs to get a life and distance himself from this friend.

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SHE. This is a female and many years ago was one of our "relationship experts." KRS is a woman, not a man.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by J_9

SHE. This is a female and many years ago was one of our "relationship experts." KRS is a woman, not a man.

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OKAY still the same advice. Drama is drama no matter who is involved.I guess I didnt know that ten years ago.