OK so the time has come - my Mum & Step Dad have now spoken about the house. My step Dad has agreed to let my Mum keep the house (as I knew he would) however it means we have to take over the payments on the Mortgage.

My mum cannot afford to do this and so has asked my older brother and I to pay £350 each per month to allow us to keep living there. She says that when Either my lder borther or I or both move out the house will have be sold and as a result she will give both my older brother and I a lump sum for all the money we put int the house.

My friend Kelly has just moved into a 2 bedroomed house and asked me to move in and be her house mate.

Bear in Mind I am 22yrs old!

Kelly and I have known each other since the age of 3yrs and would live to get perfectly. The house is just outside my home town in a small villiage and with rent and bills I can probably just and just afford it. Probably paying only a little more than £350 per month.

My dialemma...

If I agree to pay my mum £350 toward the house, my older brother, myself, my younger brother and my mum get to carry on living as we are. However my older brother and I will still not claim any rights to the house even though we will be paying the bigger shares each month.

If I move in with Kelly, my mum has to sell the house, rehouse her and my little brother and my older brother will have to find himself his own place because he is not a dependent. My older brother is 23yrs and m,y younger brother is 9yrs.

what do you think?

Ask yourself :-

What do you prefer :-
1. the comodity of still carry on living at your mums, paying her LM350 and get nothing out of it at the end?
OR
2. Move in with your mate Kelly? Which then means you get a lump sum of money!

I only get the lump sum of money if I carry on living at home for a while and pay my mum £350 per month!

Also I feel in some way guilty - My boyfriend & friends keep telling me I have to put myself first - but it's hard - they are family! I would not like to see them on their own and struggling!

MMM it is tricky!
Family are family and I totally understand that!

How long would you have to live at your mums for?

?? Pass - my boyfriend says by staying at home we are only prolonging the ineviatble (which is true).

My older brother has agreed - where as I have not made a decision. If I don't agree the house has to be sold. Either way my Mum cannot afford the house on her own.

Do u want to move out?
And start to live alone or with your mate kelly?

I perosonally would want to experience living alone.

Well that's the thing I am 22yrs old and moving out has been on my mind for a while - I was just not planning to do so for another few months or so. I wanted to start my new job and get settled there first and save a bit of dosh to buy furniture etc.

Now I am faced with decision making now! - If moving out is the right choice I have have to act fast. Kelly won't wait for long - she needs someone living with her as she cannot afford it on her own - so if I don't move in someone else will. But I need to be 100% sure - if I move out and it goes wrong there is no going back. My family home will be sold and so I will have no where to go.

It's deciding whether to take the risk or not?

And also do I put my Mum or myself first in this situation? That's what I cannot figure out!

Iam so exhausted from trying to find a solution - either way someone loses out!

But either way your mum will still have a house, whether it's the one she lives in currently or a new one! And besides she won't be alone she has your little bro?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by DJ 'H'

well thats the thing I am 22yrs old and moving out has been on my mind for a while - I was just not planning to do so for another few months or so. I wanted to start my new job and get settled there first and save a bit of dosh to buy furniture etc.

Now I am faced with decision making now! - If moving out is the right choice I have have to act fast. Kelly won't wait for long - she needs someone living with her as she cannot afford it on her own - so if I don't move in someone else will. But I need to be 100% sure - if I move out and it goes wrong there is no going back. My family home will be sold and so I will have no where to go.

It's deciding whether to take the risk or not?

---

Sometimes in life things get thrown in our face when we least expect them.. I am an expert in that..
I've had to make 1 drastic decission in my life and I had to act quick.. and I did, and ill never changed my decission. Im happy I did it.

But at least if you move out you will move in with a friend. Wouldn't your rather do that, at least you're not alone and as kelly is your mate - known her since you were a kid, then I'm sure it will work out for u
Xxx

I know - but my Mum will say I am being selfish if I move out! Oh god this is so hard!

Why selfish honey?

Because I will putting myself first and not thinking about her or my brothers.

My mum runs her business from home. She converted the garage into her florist workshop - so she lose that if I don't agree - which is probablt the reason she wants to stay at the house in the first place!

U are in a tricky one...

Is the garage fully converted?
Would be difficult for your mum to do something similar in a new house?

Especially since she will have to go on council as she won't be able to aford a mortgage?

I am in the trickiest of situations - I cannot find a solution - ut I fear I will go mad if I don't soon. I am exhausted trying to figure this out and so so stressed!

But if you decide to stay and live with your mum and contribute LM350 monthly, will your mum expect to live there forever wi her?

Well sh knows it wold not be forever - she understands lee and I are going to move out at some point.

Is your bro lee moving or staying?

He wants to stay - so if I leave he will have to find a place of his own and My Mum and Jake will have to go and get a council house or Flat (depending what's available)

Hi, DJ,
May I make a suggestion? If you decide to live in your Mom's house, paying all this money toward the mortgage, GET IT in writing. Write up something, both you and your Mom signing it, that you are paying this much for "rent".
I am not saying "don't trust your Mom", but families do have a way of squabbling, especially over money! May not happen to you, but later, you will be better off just having a simple written statement saying you are paying this mone, and each month, write down you paid it. Later, you will be surprised at how much money you have paid toward the mortgage!
As far as where to live, are you responsible, at 22 yrs old, for the rest of your family? No, you are not. I know that sounds harsh, but you aren't. No one can predict what happens with marriages, and to leave you "holding the bag" for a mortgage, is just simply not your responsibility.
With all that said, I am not sure, if I were 22, what I would do either. But, moving out to share a place with a good friend might be the best for you, in the long run. You cannot continue supporting your family for the next many years to come!
Best of luck.

It must be difficult on you.
But Fred said some good points, points that affect your future and your benefits in the long run.
Think really deep down what you want and full fill that. :)

I think that's part of the problem - I am not really sure what I want and being faced with having to make the decision when I am not ready too is really hard!

At the end whatever decission u do make - I'm sure it will be the right for YOU xxxx

I just hope I can make a decision - this really is tough!

Where there's a will - there's a way :)
Good luck x

Hi, DJ,
I am 64 yrs old, married 29 yrs, and have been through my wife's Mom and Dad's estate settlements. We don't really like to think about death, but if something happens to your Mom, or other family members, does she have a Will? You may not have thought about this at 22 yrs old. Families can change, have different feelings about each other, and when it comes right down to it, can have the biggest "fights" over properties and money you have ever seen!
That's why I suggested you have it in writing between you and your Mom, about what you will pay toward the mortgage, each month, and keep a record of it. Also, have your Mom write out, or make a Will, protecting your interest in these house payments, leaving you money, if any, in the event of her death.
You could then, if you can't decide what to do, live with them for a few months, paying the $350 per month, until you can make up your mind whether to move out on your own, or not. Best of luck.

Hi DJ,
It sounds like you are coming up with some very good reasons to stay at your mom's house. You are 22 and have a lot of good years ahead of you. I wouldn't be in too much of a hurry to move out. If you are comfortable then why not stay? Maybe even just for a year or two. That would give your mum time to come up with a plan and your youngest brother will be a year or two older. I don't think you should have to stay forever, just a year or two might help. If you are treated like and adult and can come and go as you please then I don't see why not. If you and your brother aren't going to take her up on her offer of the money when the house does get sold then that will be that much more she will have to put towards something better in a year or two. Or maybe she will be able to afford it in another couple of years. It's just another point and I'm not saying it's the right one, but I thought it might be another view. I hope you figure things out. Remember, the best thing is to keep the lines of communication open. Good luck.:)

I doubt if you will ever regret helping your family through some tough times even if it means putting what you want on hold. Your mother leaving a will would be a good thing if you feel you should protect your interests, but family helping family is what life is about.:cool: :)

There is a poem (I thought by e.e. cummings but I can't find it) that I am paraphrasing very very badly here:

Whenever I'm called on to make up my mind
And I'm hampered by not having any
I search in my pockets and toss in the air
A single and ordinary penny.

No, not so that fate will decide my affair
As I stand there so passively moping
But rather to know the instant its tossed
The outcome I'm secretly hoping.

Dj H - You might want to do a written out pros v cons on both options to help clarifiy your feelings - it works for me in the really tight corners.

(And if anyone digs up the real poem here, I'll buy them a beer! :D )

I agree, with sorrow. I have been told to do the same at times. Making a list of pros and cons. I Know it must be hard to make up your mind but no matter what your decision is do not let your mom or your friend make you feel guilty about anything. Yes, helping family is important but at the same making decisions for what is best for you is important as well. Your still very young and there is no need to rush into making a decision. We all go through these experiances in life and it is hard not to let the worry of family not influence that decision. At the same time there will be a time where you will need to break away from that and live your own life. So make your list and what you need to do is relax and calmly think through the pros and cons. Write them down and see what you come up with. Then you will be able to make a clear calm decision without all the stress. I hope the best for you with whatever decision you make.

Joe

Well I did weigh up the pros & cons with Pete. (have done nothing else) - came to conclusion that staying at home for now was the best option for me and the rest of the family.

The trouble is my Mum flipped at me this morning!

She said because I am not prepared to pay the money and I don't want to do it, she has decided to sell.

I told her - how did she come to that conclusion?

I told her that after much thought and careful consideration I had decided to stay at home - she then proceeded to tell me that it was tough, she can't rely on me so I would have to find my own place and sort myself out. She proceeded to tell me how selfish I was and how I was only thinking of myself in this whole stuation.

I said to her "so because I needed time to think and I questioned a few things I was going to be condemed for it". I also pointed out that as an adult I was entilted to some time out to think about things and weigh up everything - but she would not put her guard down. I said if I had just nodded and agreed like my older brother then there would have been no arguments - but just because I needed time to think - she had to come out and say all these horrible things.

As a result we had the biggest row every and lots of hurtful things were said. She is now dead set on selling - but with this in mind something is very wrong! Something just doesn't add up - but I am left very upset and confused.

I told Pete that my mum would do this - I told Pete that she would send me on a Guilt trip and I told Mum that was exactly what she is doing She said that I dictate what happens and then it happens and I was so confused - I said I do not dictate anything I just know how you work!

I spoke to Pete this morning and he said that if she was going to be like this and make everything difficult then maybe it is my best interest to just walk away.

So I am now in a bigger mess. Any suggestions? Dop you think Petes right? Do I need to walk away?

I think Pete is right. Listen to your gut instinct.
You did you utmost to do what's best not only for you but for all your family and this is how your mum repays you. Not very nice on her behalf.

Now that she is selling anyway, then its prob best you go fend for yourself, maybe live with your mate kelly if its still available. Xx

I knew she was going to put you on a guilt trip and I do believe I said do not let her do that to you. It is very diffulcult because sometimes family wants to use scapegoats for things that are happening to them. There is nothing wrong with you wanting a little time to think about it. She is determined to sell and things do not work out she now has somebody to blame. You. You are the scapegoat. Scapegoats get the blame but usually are not responsible for somebody else's decision. Did you really have it out with your mom. Is there any room for more discussion? It is almost like she is forcing you to make a decision now. Sometimes with families the best thing you can do is walk away and when cooler heads prevail, maybe a year, maybe a week who knows but the relationship might actually be better because of it. I had to walk away from my family at the age of 18. It was the best thing I ever did. Please take your time and hopefully your mother will cool down.

I agree with Jesushelper. I left home when I was 19. I never had a bad relationship with my family but as all families do we agrued, leaving home was the best thing I could have ever done. It brought us closer together. Coz living all under 1 roof is definitely an arguing point whilst living separate lives but still remaining close is prob the best thing to do.

Jesushelper you could have hit it right on the nail. The problem is I know she is going to tell everyone that she is selling because of me and my selfishness - my mum always does this and its always me because I question why, rather than just agree.

I said to my mum that we are both very different people and that this decision was very hard for me - but I was thinking of them as well as myself - but she is dead set that I have not thought about them in the slightest and even though I have told her she is just sending me on a guilt trip, she thinks she's not. She said she isn't sending me on a guilt trip and everything I am saying is nonsense!

Well it was your mums own decission to sell, so why is she blaming you?
After all you took the time to think

That's what I don't undertand KRS - but it's as Jesushelper said - all part of a gilt trip and using me as a skapegoat!

It must be so hard for you, esp trying to understand why!
Well as now your mum decided to sell are you going to move elsewhere?