Ask Me Help Desk - Is love a choice?

Is love a choice?

Hi all. Please reply with your thoughts on this subject.
We are having a debate with a friend {male} he says that love is a choice that you can pick who to love or not to love. He thinks love just don't happen that it's a choice.
I said what about if you have a child that goes against every thing you have taught him and all of your beliefs, you can't just stop loving your own child. He said that is different.
But he also thinks that you can make yourself stop loving someone, he said it's a mind set.
Hmmmmmmmm What do you all think?

Yes I think it is a choice. If you stop nurturing the feeling it will cease to be. If it matters I am a female.

Quote:

Originally Posted by chiphkali

good question but da guy is wrong
a man can't stop loving his kids
a man can't stop loving his parents n other relationships
love is not a choice

You're right chiphkali, it is a good question and very interesting.

I don't really know where I stand on this and I have to give it further thought.

However, some points to ponder;

A. Does "love" for children and family possibly have a connection to "primary preservation?"
(Preservation of the species)

B. If the "A" above has any credence then is love for another something different? And possibly a choice?

C. "What really is love" has been a question for definition throughout the ages.

I'm not sure; I know when I am in love, as with my wife, but could it possibly be by choice, familiarity, emotional security, attractiveness, mutual affection, intelligence, kindness, etc?

Bear with me on some of the items in the above paragraph; just exploring.

Stringer (What happened to Da Bears?)

The only choice in love is whether you express it or not, and what you do about it, and whether you let it affect you a lot.

I believe that you never know when you begin to love someone genuinely, the other night my husband asked when did I started loving hin and I could'nt answer him, I think love is a beautifull process and not a mindset :)

Depends on the person, everyone's brain functions differently.
Some of them are more practical, realistic, rational, computerlized,lol. More of a "BRAIN" person. For them love is a choice. I am a "brain" person, I think that love is a choice.
Some of them are more emotional, following their hearts instead of their mind. More of a "HEART" person.

That is an interesting question. I do believe that love is a choice, tempered with environment, reciprocity, morality,and other factors. You can fall out of love with parents, children and spouses. As you can nurture those relationships also.

Nicespringgirl we change our minds so often, isn't it better to foliow our hearts than our minds?

Marily disagrees: True love is more than just a feeling #1. Do not tell me what love is. Who are you to disagree with me on the way I choose to feel about love. 2# This was an opinion based question the op asked for opinons and that is what I gave her.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marily

Nicespringgirl we change our minds so often, isnt it better to foliow our hearts than our minds?

Life is never easy, you got to think, consult, research before you make decisions.
What exactly did you mean by following your heart?
Some people have been following their heart all through their life, and turned out it works for them.
Ppl pick the way that makes sense to THEMSELVES.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Marily

I believe that you never know when you begin to love someone genuinely, the other night my husband asked when did i started loving hin and i could'nt answer him, i think love is a beautifull process and not a mindset :)

If your husband started beating you would you still love him?

We may not able to choose all the events and situations that occur in our lives, but we choose how we feel, react or respond to them(including love).

We can choose to accept. Flow and benefit from them.
We can resist, reject and become bitter.
We can choose to forgive or not to forgive.
We can choose to love or we can choose not to.

I think a person's needs have a lot to do with it. Everyone needs loving social interaction. Fredrick II, emperor of the Holy Roman Empire once did an experiment where he had foster mothers suckle and bathe babies, but not talk to them or give them any attention. He wanted to see which language they would begin to speak. All of his labor went to waste though, since all of the babies died. Everyone needs love.

Some women need love so badly that they stay with violent husbands. Other people already have enough love from others (not necessarily romantic) so they can stop loving someone else easily.

Quote:

Originally Posted by gallivant_fellow

I think a person's needs have a lot to do with it. Everyone needs loving social interaction. Fredrick II, emperor of the Holy Roman Empire once did an experiment where he had foster mothers suckle and bathe babies, but not talk to them or give them any attention. He wanted to see which language they would begin to speak. All of his labor went to waste though, since all of the babies died. Everyone needs love.

Some women need love so badly that they stay with violent husbands. Other people already have enough love from others (not necessarily romantic) so they can stop loving someone else easily.

Gallivant, I had never heard the story about Fredrick II; good point made.

Stringer

For me it is hard to stop loving and easy to love...
My husband tells me I give too many people the benefit of the doubt. It is probably true, everyone deserves to be loved, just cause they screw up doesn't mean you can't love them. It may mean you can stop connecting with them. But loving them for what you knew them to be when you did connect with them, is a whole new thing. I usually don't love someone for the bad though if that makes sense, I started to love them when the good came out... I always remember the unconditional love thing.

Ok I have thought about this and my own conclusion is: WHo you love is not a choice, it is a feeling that happens and you can't control that. HOW you love and WHAT you do with it, IS a choice. So, even though you have feelings and love someone, when you don't WANT to, what you do or don't do with it, is completely our own choice. AT least in my mind..

Quote:

Originally Posted by startover22

For me it is hard to stop loving and easy to love....
My husband tells me I give too many people the benefit of the doubt. It is probably true, everyone deserves to be loved, just cause they screw up doesn't mean you can't love them. It may mean you can stop connecting with them. But loving them for what you knew them to be when you did connect with them, is a whole new thing. I usually don't love someone for the bad though if that makes sense, I started to love them when the good came out......I always remember the unconditional love thing.

Start: When I first began reading some of the posts I noticed your answers--the world needs more people like you and Firm. You are definite assets.

Remember my Mom? Again I am going to quote her. When I was going through hell in my first marriage-in the beginning of the trouble, she told me;

"If you love someone, you love them. When they betray you, or your love, or just do something you don't like or appreciate;"

"You still love them. Love IS NOT a 'light switch." "You need to say to them; I still love you, but I don't like what you did and how you acted; remember You earned my love; but I am not at all happy with your actions."

Stringer

Yes, yes Stringer, people we love aren't always who we need them to be and they often disappoint us. WE cannot turn off our feelings but sometimes our minds and our egos push people away that hurt us... We choose how to handle our love for others and sometimes it isn't always the right way. Your mom was right, you don't stop loving someone, even when they don't deserve it. BUT, I don't always give it out so openly once my heart has been trampled on.. It stays inside and I protect it from being hurt again..
So, I make the choice to show how I feel, or don',t but the love I have does remain within me. REGARDLESS.

Let's think about it this way, love is a choice when its among, say two different subjects... You choose the subject you "want" to love, your choice right? However the other "subject" doesn't cease to exit your mind/heart (which ever you want to argue that is more relevant to follow) So does that leave love to being a choice, you had made your choice?? But your heart/mind was telling you something different!

Paternal or Maternal love disregarded, love is choice.

Attraction is NOT a choice.

My vote is both. Although you don't have a choice who you love... you do have the choice to express it or not. This is strickly for humans. The whole dog thing was quite fascinating and will have to think about that one further.

No. Love is due to a chemical.

Imagine an invisible, undetectable force that's powerful
Enough to override your sense of reason yet draws you
To someone with an almost animal passion. These aren't
Cupid's mythological arrows, but real shots of human
Pheromones.

http://health.discovery.com/centers/...phermones.html

Welcome to The Scent of Eros:
Mysteries of Odor in Human Sexuality -

'Scientists in Philadelphia have established for the first
Time that the human body produces pheromones, special
Aromatic chemical compounds discharged by one individual
That affect the sexual physiology of another'...

http://www.athenainstitute.com/discovery.html

Do pheromones work in human sexual attraction?

They may be odorless and colorless and their function may be
Mysterious, but human pheromones at last have the zest of
Scientific truth. Researchers at the University of Chicago
Have demonstrated that compounds swabbed from the
'underarms' of young women at different times of the month
Can alter the length of other women's menstrual cycles,
Compressing or expanding the cycles in predictable
Fashion...

http://www.ishipress.com/humanodo.htm

http://www.cnn.com/HEALTH/9803/11/pheromones/index.html

What is the force that lights the fuse between two
Complete strangers? What current pulses through their veins,
Engorges their hearts, occupies their minds and numbs their
Texting fingers? Ah, if only

I knew. As magic formulas go, sexual chemistry must surely
Be the most valuable. It's intoxicating effects are more
Pleasurable and more powerful than any drug and when it hits,
It hits hard. There are the rushes of ecstacy, the gut wrenching
Anticipation, fluttering, dizziness, and the diminished
Concentration that turns day-dreaming into a full-time job.
And then there are the side effects. A positively Colombian
Annihilation of appetite and its confidence- boosting by-product,
Weight loss. And it is free. And it is legal. It is bloody amazing.

But no one knows what "it" is. Scientists have managed to
Map our genetic blueprint. They understand the subtleties
Of hormones and the complexities of the emotional brain.
But the thing that makes two people click remains a mystery.
Theories abound as to what, or why. Those looking for a
Magic bullet (or Cupid's arrow) tend to favour the notion
Of pheromones - scents secreted by the sweat glands in the
'armpits' and pubic hair. And the relatively recent discovery
Of the vomeronasal organ, a small chemo-sensory structure in
The human nose, lends the concept some weight.

http://findarticles.com/p/articles/m...9/ai_n12741733

Science of Love - Cupid's Chemistry:

There are, in fact, three distinct stages of love; each with
Their own characteristic emotional profile and scientific explanation.

First is lust. Lust is driven by our sex hormones testosterone
And oestrogen. These hormones are what get us 'out on the pull'.
After lust comes attraction. This is the love-struck phase;
The time when we lose our appetite, can't sleep, and can't
Concentrate. This is what we know as falling in love.

http://www.thenakedscientists.com/HT...incolumn1.htm/

Who says we were talking about a sexual? Relationship, For goodness sakes, I was talking about all of the people I love in my life... lusting (the first state of love) would be very wrong in these instances! So back to the question sweet, is it a choice? To love your daughter? To love your Grandma that you only met once or twice? Is it?

Maybe he lusts after his daughter.

Yuck NK...

Perhaps he will revise his stages of love now. :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by NeedKarma

Perhaps he will revise his stages of love now. :)

Agreed!:D

Well... I think it would have to be a little of both... I don't really know though.

Good question! :confused:

My feeling is that love is a state of being. It's a state of mind AND heart because you actually don't need to have anyone special in your life in order to love. It IS within you.

Think about it.

The state of 'loving' is special in itself and needs no particular goal or focus, no particular object. So, there is no choice about love in it's purest form - it just 'is'.

Sorry to get all philosophical...

It simply depends on weather you believe in the love at first sight. Love is a choice and it is not. You can choose if you love someone, because if you were married, you would have chosen to love that person. But you don't get to choose weather you love your brother or sister.